Proverbs 26-31; Ecclesiastes; Song of Solomon — First letter to You in 2024

Is it a fear or hesitance? Father, I was determined to write you a letter for the first time in 2024. Until August, I didn’t read a single word in the Bible. Since then, I sporadically read Your words, underlined some lines, thinking I would write You some. But I never did. Father, writing is hard. It is torturous. But it is a job that pays me, and it is a calling I believe You want me to fulfill while on earth. Almost an hour has passed. I have a note in front of me with an outline of how I would write this letter. 

From Proverbs, then Ecclesiastes, and to Song of Solomon. No line in the three books encouraged me to break through this fear, or a worry that whether I am just not capable of writing words that make sense. Such a pity, isn’t it? 

“There is an appointed time for everything,” You said via Ecclesiastes 3:1. What is the appointed time for Sean? What would I be taking on when the appointed time comes? Would I be still writing things for a living? Or would I be doing something totally foreign to what I self-proclaim to be my destined work — writing. “Man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end,” says Ecclesiastes 3:11. Maybe I have been negligent of what You have been wanting to communicate with me. 

Father, I think this is it for now. At least I wrote some to You. 

At the very least, I like to end this with the way I have always done. 

In Your name I pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 16, 2024  

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Proverbs 17-25 — Confidence in my writing to You

Pity that I need to be listening to a spiritually arousing song to motivate myself to write You this. Leveraging songs praising Your name to emotionally instigate me to write an emotion-driven letter. Father, how my words so far read to You? Am I being genuine before You? Or is it rather me trying to get done with a weekly church assignment, at least two written reflections on Your words a week.

Told I need to place myself in a dead-quiet place when trying to be in a communication with You. But when throw myself in such a noiseless atmosphere, I somehow can’t really write You anything. I can read Your words, no problem. But writing You a letter often brings me a headache. A headache that I have to write You something very candid, spiritually insightful, humble but also bold in my confession to You. I too often need to squeeze my brain to come up with a right language, as I don’t want You to read anything substandard. It is almost an inner torture to myself when having to scribble something original to You. When I first started writing You three years ago, this was used to help me rest and relax; but now, as the volume of my letters to You gets larger, I am becoming more and more conscious of a level of language, style, insightfulness and genuinely my letter would present to You, that it is getting more difficult and even agonizing to write You on a regular basis. 

Since September 6, I read Your words from Proverbs 17 to 25, and indeed underlined a couple of lines that stood out to my eyes. Among those underlined were Proverbs 21:2, which reads: “Every man’s way is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the hearts,” and Proverbs 23:17 to 19, which read: “Live in the fear of the Lord always. Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off. Listen, my son, and be wise, and direct your heart in the way.” 

All very insightful words of Yours. Very much worthy of reflection. 

But, why can’t I relentlessly write You? Why do I need something to emotionally stir me up to write You? Why am I too conscious that almost always I want to deliver You a most finely-written letter, torturing me rather?  

Peace is what I want to invite to my inner self at least when I am trying to also invite You to my inner self. Confidence in my writing to You is also what I want to embrace when trying to write You a letter.  

Next time, maybe. 

From Sean to Him

September 12, 2023 

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Proverbs 14-16 — Prayers for friends

A power of keeping in journal is words logged in the journal remain permanent, and they can never be undone. This is why  words scribed in the Bible may be deemed powerful, that their permanency extends You influence to generations after generations. All prayers and Your responses of each prayer recorded in the Bible, or a so-called compilation of true stories, may mean once a prayer gets laid out to You the steadfast Answerer, it gets answered when it’s due time to be answered. 

Father, prayer is still a difficult labor, I consider. It’s still an awkward way of me monologuing against the answerless wall. But the Bible says the otherwise. Prayer according to the Bible is the fastest way to get my inquiries delivered to Your mailbox. It may take some days for You to find my mail, but You will eventually locate my mail, read it, and respond, according to the Bible. 

If what I think the Bible says is true, and if prayer is indeed the fastest way to communicate my words with You, then OK. My words in a journaled prayer en route to Your mailbox. 

My God, I know I am not at all entitled to write prayers for someone; but I nonetheless want to, or actually am compelled to write words of prayer for four people whom I recently befriended via an online church fellowship.  

Here You go. One by one. 

Father, Song Hyunseok, Your beloved son wants to manifest Your love to others. He tonight confessed it is difficult for him to embrace a forgiving mindset, it is difficult for him to treat less friendly people in a way You would treat them. But he is determined to learn and embrace Your characteristics, so he may showcase Your love and care to as many people he want to love. So please, listen to Hyunseok’s prayer, and answer his when in due time. 

Then there is another man of Your beloved, Beom Jiho. He loves Your words, and is more than willing to share Your loves with his families, friends, colleagues, and even acquaintances. He works at a government office, spending his weekdays in service for those in need. And now, he wants to spend his every day, Monday to Sunday, spreading gospels and manifesting Your loves to others through his actions. Father, please pay close tune to Jiho’s prayer, and answer his when in due time. 

My God, my caring Father. This time I want to lay out a prayer for Lee Gilhye, Your beloved daughter. She recently started a new job, and is still adjusting herself to a yet foreign workplace. I am not in her position, so I can’t know how challenging a new workplace has been for her; I can’t know her short- and long-term goals at work; and I can’t know how her tomorrow would be unfolded. But You know. You know how her tomorrow would pan out. If You do know, and if You will, then could You please walk with her tomorrow, show her where to find Your way, and keep her in a right path of Yours for many days ahead? Thank You for tuning into Gilhye’s prayer, and thank You for answering to hers in advance. 

Lastly but certainly not least, my good Father, there is another daughter of Your beloved, Won Jiyoung. She loves You, and You love her. She cares about learning Your words, and You care about learning her past, present and future. She wants to do things You love, and You want her to fulfill Your will on Your behalf. Mr. The Most Caring, Jiyoung once underwent some pain in the past, and You healed the pain for her, didn’t You? I can’t know the extent and depth of the pain she underwent, but You know, and You took great care of her at the time of her pain. Thank You for what You did for her, and if You will, please continue to do what You have been doing for her. And please guide her to do things You want her to do tomorrow, day after tomorrow, and many days forward. Thanks for tuning into Jiyoung’s prayer, and answer hers when in due time. 

In Your name Hyunseok, Jiho, Gilhye, Jiyoung, and Sean pray, Amen.

From us to You

September 5, 2023

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Proverbs 10-13 — You know better than I

A good friend of mine whom I befriended at church shared me a song titled “You know better than I.” The song delivers a monologue of Joseph wandering off in a wilderness en route to Egypt where he knew nobody but You, where he had nobody from whom he would seek counsel but You, where he had nobody to whom he would cry afoul but You, and where he had nobody on whom he would lean and rest but You. 

The song is made up with plain but direct and powerful language. In its middle goes Joseph monologuing — “For You know better than I; You know the way; I’ve let go the need to know why for You know better than I.” No response from Him while Joseph’s monologue; but he continued on with his relentless plea to the hollow, keeping his steadfast belief that one day You would answer him. 

Father, I am slowly losing motivation at work. In retrospect of a couple of years ago when I was jobless and really thirst for doing something productive from sunrise to sunset, I should have not complained You about work I do. Rather, I should have been thanking You every day, maybe through prayer, for gifting me a regular job to do Monday to Friday. 

Complain after complain. Whining after whining. And repeat. How are You holding up with my relentless stream of complaints? How are You holding up with my lack of understanding of Your plan for my life? And how would You help me understand Your plan for my future days? 

Throughout this afternoon at work, I was repeatedly listening to this song “You know better than I” while editing a trade article discussing drug development strategies, and while drafting a Powerpoint deck intended to persuade the corporate leadership of why there must be a subject-matter-expert committee set up for the benefit of the company. 

What I hope to do in future is to write stories that would bring positive changes to my community, every day, as a full-time journalist. What I hope to do in future is to torture my brain every day to come up with best language to deliver much-needed information to many. What I am really eager to do is to spend the entire day examining a ream of government documents to find one or two sentences that need public attention. 

But ultimately, my future is in Your hand, isn’t it? Isn’t it what You want me to confess? 

“He is on the path of life who heeds instruction,” reads Proverbs 10:17. 

Father, show me Your instruction. Please lays out Your guideline, from A to Z, if You will. 

Just like how a Samaritan woman eventually confessed to You, acknowledging You as her one and only prophet, Father I also like to doubt about You no more, but to acknowledge You, believe in You, believe in Your plan, and trust You. 

When will that day come? 

From Sean to Him

September 4, 2023 

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Proverbs 4-9 — Letter after a bottle of beer

Father, what it is a man like myself pretentiously writing You a hand-inked letter, after chugging a bottle of beer. What it is that  I while feeling lightheaded nonetheless eyeballed through Proverbs 4 to 9, then John 3. What it is that inside me tells me to read and write, but I am not doing what my inside tells me to do, likely a right thing. What it is that I was inspired by a sermon based on Isaiah 2:12-22, that I should reckon and admit I can never win a debate against You, can never pursue Your goodness before mine, and can never beat You down. 

You against all breathing beings You created, including Sean Na.

Why it is that You mandate me to understand Your very unscientific fantasies; why it is that I am left without proper resources that would help me understand You. 

Like how Proverbs 7:7 says, Sean Na who “lacks sense” of grasping Your will; like how Proverbs 9:6 says, I who ain’t yet spiritually prepared to “forsake my folly and live and proceed in the way of (Your) understanding; and unlike how Apostle John was capable of “decreasing himself but increasing You,” Father, I am left without confidence, without a direction, but left with so much hesitancies and stubbornness. 

My God, may I please borrow Your hammer, so I can break down all my follies? 

From Sean to Him

September 3, 2023

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Proverbs 1-3 — My journalist ego v.s. Your so-called words of truth

For years, I have kept a stubborn stance of why I can’t 100 percent trust a myriad of nonsenses and off-logic episodes described as truth in Your Book. Journalism has taught me not to write stories based on scientifically not-yet proven data, or called assumption in other words; it has taught me not to blindly quote anyone’s words unless they were driven by eye-witnessed accounts or backed by hard-rock evidences. My ego as journalist has rather kept me from trusting Your words, digesting Your lessons as written, and not questioning myself about You and the Bible, or what Christians often refer it as the bastion of ultimate truth. 

I am still not 100 percent bought in by Your words. Proverbs 3 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Then in John , Your Son Jesus assured the perplexed woman, saying “My hour has not yet come,” and never worried about His realness being constantly challenged by doubting men like myself as He knew He is the ultimate truth whatsoever. 

Father, whenever I need to focus, I often plug earbuds to ears and start listening to a song titled “Blessed Assurance.” Not that I buy what the song proclaims, but just its melody helps soothe my immediate anxiety and helps me concentrate. The first line of the song goes — “Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine” with an exclamation point at the end. Later in its lyrics introduces two powerful words, perfect submission.

My so-called God, I am not yet ready to assure myself in Your blessedness, nor am I ready to submit myself to You. Maybe I am being too stubborn, or just not wanting to let go of my journalistic ego just yet. It is a relentless challenge to myself, that when would I ever be able to trust You 100 percent, and when would I ever be able to read Your words and digest Your teaching without a doubt. 

“He did not need anyone to testify concerning man, for He Himself knew what was in man,” reads John 2:25. 

Your Almighty, if You know what is dwelling inside me, if You know what is boiling and about to burst out inside me, and if You know what is preventing me from confessing You are the truth, why don’t You come out to me man to man, and tell me what to do, what to fix? 

From Sean to Him

August 31, 2023 

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Psalm 122-150 — Just how Psalm journalists wrote with confidence, just how Apostle John confidently testified

Hagridden by my own inability to write a genuine letter, my unaccounted hesitancy, or maybe my self-validated excuses, Father, I ain’t sure where to start and what to ink on this arid notepad. 

The last time I wrote You anything dates back to June 20, when I asked You to help me confess “the sum of Your word is truth” that I may not lean on my short-sighted rationale to judge words scribed in Your Book, that I may wholeheartedly digest Your words as they were written. 

My God, I just finished reading Psalm 140 to 150, then steered my eyes to the first chapter in the Gospel of John. From Psalm 140 to 150, then John chapter 1, I sensed one commonality — that words in Psalm and John were written with confidence, rested on a faith that enabled Psalm journalists and Apostle John to proclaim You are real, rest assured that no doubt is necessary when writing testimonies centered around Your words. 

Throughout Psalm appears a repeated outcry. “Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications! Answer me in Your faithfulness, in Your righteousness,” reads Psalm 143:1 and many other places in Psalm. It is still difficult, almost an everlasting challenge, that I read Your words in faithfulness and pray out loud believing it will be answered according to how You plan my life to be unfolded, in due time. 

Father, I recently joined a group of faithful Christians taking on a five-week challenge of reading and meditating on Your words, every day, in all sincerity. You know, and I know my level of faith is no where near to theirs, that I may have to pretend to be a good Christian, may have to make conscious efforts to write You a seemingly genuine letter. 

As I am scribbling this letter, I am listening to a song named “King of Kings.” The first several lines of the song testify – “In the darkness we were waiting; without hope without light; till from heaven You came running; there was mercy in Your eyes; to fulfill the law and prophets.”  

As the song testifies, and as Apostle John testifies in John 1 — “The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it,” Father, I who is still deeply swamped in my own darkness and therefore haven’t been able to let go of my constant doubt over Your realness hope to let the darkness inside me be gone if not completely then at least partially by the time I finish the five-week challenge along with my fellow Christian friends at Samil Church. 

On June 30, when I tried to write You a letter but couldn’t as I didn’t want to fake myself to You, I underlined the last few lines of Psalm 139. They read: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.” 

They read very cliche, seemingly almost everywhere in the Bible, so called feel-good verses. Nevertheless, my Father, as Psalm Journalists wrote about Your words in confidence, and as Apostle John confidently testified of Your realness, I who is also a journalist and a relentless truth seeker hope to be able to write You in a more not pretentious but heartfelt fashion. 

From Sean to Him 

August 30, 2023 

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Psalm 119-121 — The sum of Your words, is it the truth?

“Teach me, O Lord, the way of Your statutes, and I shall observe it to the end. Give me understanding, that I may observe Your law and keep it with all my heart. Make me walk in the path of Your commandments. (I may have been hesitant, but let me no longer) delay to keep Your commandments. (I may have felt frustrated in the past, but please may my past afflictions have taught myself to) learn Your statutes, (and acknowledge) the law of Your mouth is better to me than thousands of gold and silver pieces. (While I may have been blind in the past 31 years of life, moving forward, would You please help me realize there is always) a limit to all perfection; (but) Your commandment is exceedingly broad. (Ever since I started writing You this letter, my No. 1 prayer to You has been help me walk in Your path and help) establish my footsteps in Your word. 

(Father, will You discipline me, and lead me to confess if not now, then in a near future day) the sum of Your word is truth. (While I am not firm in my faith toward You, I wish to believe) the Lord will guard my going out and my coming in from this time forth and forever,” read Psalm 119, 120 and 121. 

In Your name I pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

June 20, 2023 

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Psalm 110-118 — David’s motive v.s. Sean’s

Two Sundays ago, I was sermoned that by reading the Psalms is a process of learning and embracing Your language, Your tone, and Your manner described throughout the Bible. “Praise” is the word I think mostly repeatedly used in the Psalms, then “thanks.” David, the author of the Psalms, whether in joy or in despair, he praises You and he thanks You. Whether in comfort or in danger, he didn’t place a pause on praying to Heaven. Whether his prayer did get received or not, receiving the return from You wasn’t a motive David held when praying. His motive, to my knowledge, was to simply thank and praise You. 

Psalm 117, by far the shortest one in the 150-chapter Psalm, reads: “Praise the Lord, all nations; Laud Him, all people! For His lovingkindness is great toward us, And the truth of the Lord is everlasting. Praise the Lord!” 

Last Friday night, at Your alter, I consciously tried to sing Your praises as loud as I could during the worship service, not sparing my throat at all. While singing, however, too many thoughts were encroaching inside me that I couldn’t deliver my full to You. Outside I was seen fervently praising Your name, but inside I was sailing elsewhere. 

My God, it has gotten harder for me to write this supposed-to-be stress-free letter. It is getting harder to write anything today than yesterday; and it will get harder to write a thing tomorrow than right now. 

It isn’t that I want to write You a colorful letter; I never intend this letter to be that way. Then what it is, the intent, the motive of Sean writing this letter? If David’s motive to repeatedly write “thanks” and “praise” in his dedicated songs to You was to really thank and praise You, then what is my motive of periodically writing You a letter? 

“I love the Lord, because He hears My voice and my supplications, because He has inclined His ear to me,” sang David in Psalm 116. 

Bullshit. Isn’t it? 

From Sean to Him 

May 29, 2023 

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Psalm 102-109 — A scribble

It isn’t moving. It isn’t that I don’t want to. I in fact am very much eager to write You this. But after 10 chapters checked off through yesterday and today, I still can’t think of a bright way to start this off. Father, I say “bright” because I still unfortunately want this to read like a glowing letter to You and to a selected few with whom I regularly share this scribble. 

“Therefore, He humbled their heart with labor; they stumbled and there was none to help. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble; He saved them out of their distresses. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and broke their bands apart. Let them give thanks to the Lord for His lovingkindness,” reads Psalm 107:12-15.

I ain’t sure what else to write here. 

From Sean to Him

May 14, 2023

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Psalm 90-101 — My life OK outside my spirituality

My God, my Lord. The one the only. A so-called the only Man that could pull me out of a pitfall. I kneel, I pray, and I seek. No other name but Jesus could rescue me. No other man other than God could keep me away from committing transgressions. No other voice but His would I only pay attention, if not physically then spiritually. 

Is this kind of prayer what You would like to hear from Sean, isn’t it? A confession made by a untainted heart without any deceit nor sly intention. 

“A perverse heart shall depart from me; I will know no evil,” professed David to You via Psalm 101:4. 

Father, am I feeling ill? Have I been carrying some pains, rather unwillingly? What have I then tried to fix the pains? Or have I never given a damn about it and let the pains multiply inside me?  

It isn’t a physical pain. However many times I attend church services, I still don’t get moved, nor inspired, nor enlightened, nor renewed, and nor spiritually incited. If I every could, I would very like to not care damn about attending church, and enjoy good life on Sunday. But not only I don’t have enough courage to throw away church from my life nor can I think of anything else to do to entertain myself on Sunday afternoon right now .

Please don’t misunderstand, that I am living an OK life outside my spirituality. I have a 9-to-5 job. I do get a guaranteed paycheck every month. My parents say they are proud of a job I hold, and some friends envy me that I work at Samsung. 

But, my God, my Lord. Why am I feeling hollow? Why am I not getting any better spiritually? What is this damn thing that’s been hurting me inside? 

From Sean to Him 

May 7, 2023 

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Psalm 72-89 — What has led me to church?

Father, I am listening to a song based on a verse in Psalm 8. It reads: “What is man that You take thought of him, and the son of man that You care for him?” While listening, with eyes half closed, barely in focus, I was hurriedly reading from Psalm 72, as effortlessly as I could, just wanting to get these ridiculously repetitive 150 chapters in Psalm out of my way so I could start reading something far less repetitive and hopefully more enlightening in the subsequent books. 

Then I was stopped at the last line of Psalm 84. It read very cliche, just same old words of encouragement abundant across books in the Bible. “How blessed is the man who trusts in You!” Reads Psalm 84:12. 

Father, I am struggling to write You this. Nearly half an hour has passed, and I’ve only written You a few lines. I wanted to write a reflection on my behaviors last week – when I got up at dawn and went to church to supposedly worship and thank You for Your death on my behalf, twice, Monday and Friday. Maybe I wanted to show off how dedicated I was to You during Easter week that You must gift me something greater in return; or maybe I just wanted to acknowledge myself a dedicated church-goer. It’s a mixed feeling, that I still can’t find a damn reason why I willingly tortured my sleepy body and dragged myself to church, that early in the morning. It wasn’t that I felt thirst in listening to Your words, nor was I so desperate in life that I needed to scream a outcry under Your watch.

What has driven me to church, I don’t know. What is a right mindset to embrace before entering Your alter, damn I don’t know. Why on earth have I been willingly standing like a grounded kid amidst the passionate Christians Fridays and Sundays? What’s a motive that I read nonsense in the Bible? 

Almost every time before I enter the church, I almost ritually smoke a cigarette, to get myself eased enough to stand an hour-long service. In the Bible says take care of your own body gifted from God. I am not doing what’s a right thing to do according to You. But I nonetheless go to church, quite religiously, even at a time not many would go. 

Like the song says, what is it that You are thinking of a man like Sean; what is it that You are taking care of a man like me, supposedly, according to the Bible verse. What is it, my God, that You are making me feel obliged to write this letter, if not every day, then at least once every month.

Once I finish this letter, I would likely go outside and lit a cigarette to call it a day, and be worrying about what to do after I get off the work tomorrow. 

“For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate,” reads a verse in Romans. 

From Sean to Him

April 10, 2023

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Psalm 61-71 — Hesitation

“Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but on thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead; I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Father, what is a thing Sean’s ordained to seek? Where specifically should he crawl toward to catch the thing to his heart? Is the thing, whether tangible or not, even pursuable? A man lost in direction is I. 

Every morning I in my ideal world hope to set myself a goal I would strive to score by the end of each day. A goal that pleases my career greed as well as makes me think as if my satiating the greed is what You also desires me to do. 

My God, a tale of the lost sheep described in one of Your four gospels seems to be replicated in my life recently. Sitting at Your alter on Sunday evening about an hour prior to the start of the night service, tuning in to the worship band practicing usually helps me write this letter, rather relentlessly, without hesitation. Being here used to fire up my emotion, helping me calm and be genuine in my wording to You. 

But not tonight.

My God, I have already scratched off quite a few words and phrases on this notepad, as I against what I had initially intended wanted this letter to read grammatically perfect, deceptively inspiring, and also hypothetically enlightening to those I share this disingenuous letter through Kakaotalk and blog. 

Hesitation had never been invited when writing a letter to You, not until tonight. 

Sire, though I redacted my language over and over and hesitated more than self-allowed, I nevertheless managed to read Psalm 69 to 71, underlining a couple of lines including Psalm 69:3, 69:17 and 70:5. 

The three verses read: “My eyes fail while I wait for my God … For I am in distress; answer me quickly … O Lord, do not delay.” 

My so-called Father, I copied and pasted words from Philippians 3:13-14 to start this letter. Not sure why I was moved to do it. These words from Paul, I reckon, were the most heart-touching language I heard in recent weeks, I suppose. 

OK, a minute till the start of another evening service. Now forty seconds. Father, am I prepared to invite You to my heart? If not, then I guess that’ OK for now.  

OK, the end. 

From Sean to Him

April 2, 2023  

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Psalm 58-60 — Incessant stream of doubts

An incessant stream of doubts over so many words scribed in the seemingly delusional book of Yours is yet what I hold to heart. This wall of unaccounted doubts, I haven’t been successful at breaching it down. 

My God. Almost every Friday and Sunday since January, I have dragged myself to Your alter to hear sermons trying to decode Your nearly unfathomable disciplines. 

I ain’t sure, Sire. I ain’t sure where to head, what to seek, and how to uncover. Truth veiled in a thickest curtain is what I want to learn and ultimately embrace. 

“You have given a banner to those who fear You, that it may be displayed because of the truth,” reads Psalm 60:4. 

To David’s earnest prayer spoken in the midst of lamenting over the merciless defeat, You displayed the truth, or Your disciplines, before him. 

Father, how many sermons would I need to hear; how many chapters in the Bible need to be read; how many hymns need to be sung out loud; and how many more times would I need to write this one-way scribble to Your inbox to get Your disciplines crystal-clear displayed in my life? 

At tonight’s sermon, I was reminded of a very enlightenment Jacob finally learned after decades of having played a sly dog before You. Just like how You helped David pull himself out of a deadly swamp. Just like how You helped Jacob eventually learn whom to fear the most. Father, when would You decide to do the same for Sean? 

From Sean to Him

March 5, 2023 

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Psalm 55-57 — Carelessly spoken words

A carelessly spoken word. Regardless of an intent, it could hurt, discredit someone’s long-held belief that what he or she does every day is benefiting lives of others, even from a farthest distance. 

Father, several hours ago my spoken words hurt someone’s long-held belief. My intent was to merely share a crooked perspective of mine and seek others’ thoughts on it. I raised my doubt over church’s intent on praying for those devastated, especially in Turkiye and Syria. I in my shortest thought and depth of understanding in Your plan and intent thought it was hypocritical for churches to pray for those hurt by an earthquake given tens of thousands of people were already killed. And churches praying for Your grace over those already killed and deeply devastated? You wouldn’t revive those lives killed nor would You miraculously bring a ceasefire and ultimately a peace over this war-torn, devastated lands. 

Then what on earth would a prayer do to the already rampant catastrophe? 

My so-called God, here I am again sitting near Your alter. A man with a vastly shaking faith is sitting here waiting for a Sunday night’s service to be unfolded. What is my intent of sitting here and spending the next hour listening to the worship band and a sermon? 

“I am restless in my complaint and am surely distracted,” said David to You in Psalm 55:2. “Evening and morning and at noon, I will complain and murmur,” confessed David to You in Psalm 55:17. Nevertheless, David asserted himself to You that his heart would remain “steadfast” toward You in Psalm 57:7.

Father, in less than three minutes another service dedicated to You would begin. I ain’t sure, and am rather immensely perplex of my intent sitting here. Surrounded by people ready to devote their heart to You, how would I act, where would I anchor my heart toward? 

OK, here it goes again. The service has begun. Let’s see how I would act in the next hour. 

Mr. Fearful, tonight’s sermon will likely linger inside me for a good amount of time. The fact that a subsequence of dreadful events like how the COVID-19 pandemic came to kill millions, and the  Russian-Ukraine war killing another thousands, and then a recent mega earthquake in Turkiye killing many and displacing millions, had long been foretold in the Scripture was hard to consume, and fathom. The pastor said  stories depicted in the Bible are not someone else’s distant stories; rather they are ours, things we may have already gone through or will eventually face.  

Good and bad stories constitute 66 books in the Bible. I for sure want only good stories to be manifested in my life on earth; but that may be too much to ask, isn’t it?  

My God, in the two previous church gatherings I had, I wasn’t able to be considerate enough of others that I ended up hurting others with my carelessly spoken words. Maybe I am not yet ready to talk about You and the Bible with other faithful; or maybe I get envious of others sharing their tight-knit relationship with You that I intentionally wanted to challenge their faiths in a vicious manner. Father, I strongly hope the latter wasn’t the case tonight. 

But who knows? Maybe I was a careless villain to my church friends and You. 

It’s difficult. Really it is, difficult. 

From Sean to Him

Feb. 12, 2023

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Psalm 52-54 — Unaccounted tumult in my faith

Father, here I am sitting five chairs north of the stage where a worship band is practicing hymns they will devote to You along with hundreds of faithful Christians in about 20 minutes. It’s been a while, my God, since I calmed my daily-agitated nerve close to where You, the Invisible, sit and watch. 

It’s an odd feeling indeed, Father, that an unaccounted emotion is slowly rising inside me while writing this letter. It could be because I haven’t been really writing any that I am just happy as writing something original other than a corporate press release or a CEO newsletter. 

Dear Sire, the worship band just finished singing an unnamed song, whose ending lyrics was: “Kneel down before God and worship.” In about 16 minutes, this chamber will be crowded with faithful people praising Your name in a pitched voice. In the previous two Friday nights, this man Sean was rather standing like a lifeless woodstick whereas everyone else around him was utilizing their full voice to send a highest praise to Your way. 

“The fool has said in his heart, ‘There is no God,’” reads Psalm 53:1. 

Father, I just returned home from church. It’s now 1:05 a.m. the next day. Now last night’s sermon was based on James 1:1. “James, a bond-servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ,” the first half of the verse reads. James in his letter to the twelve tribes referred himself a bond servant, acknowledging himself a man serving Your will without expecting anything in return. 

Every word inked in a hand-written letter serves a heartfelt, genuine message from the author to a person receiving the message. James was genuine in his intention to serve Your will, a plan he must have not crystal-clearly known as You at the time would’ve been still invisible and unheard of. But James wasn’t concerned of Your invisibility nor inaudibility. However an end result he would get after painstaking efforts to do work on Your behalf, he was determined to keep plodding on. 

After the sermon, as the worship band re-staged to lead the time for prayer, I as always gripped my Bible in two hands, closed my eyes, and spoke none for 20 plus minutes. I didn’t say a word to You, as usual. Quite unfortunate I am, ain’t I? 

I couldn’t fathom what my mind was gravitating toward during the prayer, couldn’t understand myself. 

But did You?  

From Sean to Him

Feb. 10, 2023

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Psalm 46-51 — Sean in his pomp

Two years ago in December, I flagged a cab to Samil Church to attend a 6 a.m. service, three days in a row. With less than $200 in my bank account, a nearly $35 taxi ride each time could have gifted me an entire week without snacks. Going penniless was not of my concern at the time though. I was desperate, damn desperate for rescuing myself from a swirl of uncertainties and failures. Three months since I had returned home from Indiana, I did accomplish none at the time. No damn work done under my belt. My once ambitious freelance venture in solutions journalism was losing directions. No papers picked up my story pitches, and my parents at home worrying about what on earth would their baby son do with his journalism degree. 

I needed a way-out. A crystal-clear direction of what to do today, tomorrow, and beyond. A short- and long-term target. A chaperone who would watch over Sean 24/7, and yell at him when he’s about to go astray. 

At the time, that week in December 2020, it was You, Mr. Invisible, whom I begged for help and direction, and You never responded.  

Father, up until 2021, church was where I found peace. A Friday worship night was used to be a long-waited moment. Calming melodies coming off of intercoms used to unagitate my nerve. A low-tone hymn had my eyes burst in tears. I used to shout out Your name out loud, not giving a damn about how folks around me would perceive Sean. But, my God, nothing changed in my life throughout 2021. Same ole’ restless day continued. Sean still floundering in a deep swamp, and slowly but steadfastly parting myself away from You. 

My God, Mr. Almighty, today is Jan. 29, 2023. This is my very first letter to You in 2023. The last time I wrote You dates back to last year’s Christmas. I for the past month lost motive in writing a devotion. It isn’t because I am no longer desperate for something to turn around, nor is it I’ve been working five days a week, getting some tangible work done under my belt every day. 

Dear Sire, this past Friday, I attended the night service with two of my new churchmates, Minsu and Soyoung. Sitting in between them, all I did was observe them praising Your Name out loud and praying to You in sincerity, just like how I used to worship at church until 2021. Maybe this could be a trigger point in my relationship with You, or may be not. One mere hope however has sure been dwelling inside me: I do want to be close to You, not in disguise but in sincerity. My Father, I am still much doubtful of You. I would likely be at Your alter next Sunday, but would also likely be sitting and standing like a dead man while everyone else around me praising Your name out loud. 

“Man in his pomp, yet without understanding, is like the beasts that perish,” reads Psalm 49:20. And here’s another one from Psalm 51:15. 

“O Lord, open my lips, that my mouth may declare Your praise.” 

My good Sire, when will You ever have this verse burn bright inside me? 

From Sean to Him 

Jan. 29, 2023

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Psalm 40-45 — Merry Enlightened Christmas to Sean

On Dec. 13, I was enlightened while reading Psalm 42. “So my soul pants for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God …… A prayer to the God of my life …… Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God,” reads Psalm 42. 

Then today, on Your 2022nd birthday, words from Psalm 45:17 enlightened me once again. “Therefore the peoples will give You thanks forever and ever,” reads Psalm 45:17. 

No further words nor attempt to dig into what seems too clear in Your delivery.

Happy birthday.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 25, 2022

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Psalm 37-39 — What to do? I feel dried in nearly everything

It’s been a while. Three weeks it is. Ever since the last time I wrote You in mid November, I hardly gave a glimpse at my ragged Bible, skipped two Sunday worship services, and as always, never gave a damn about kneeling down and praying to someone who’s never been visible or audible to Sean. 

Mr. God, Sean just read Psalm 37-39, and stroke every line in Psalm 39: 12-13. The verses read: “Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear to my cry; Do not be silent at my tears; For I am a stranger with You, A sojourner like all my fathers. Turn Your gaze away from me, that I may smile again before I depart and am no more.” 

Likely not understood a true meaning veiled behind Your words. But, Mr. Invisible, the first three words of the verses stroke me. “Hear my prayer,” an inquiry You have never, really never given a damn to accept for years and decades. One of thousands of verses in the Bible may well then say — an incessant prayer is the quickest way to get one’s inquiry heard in heaven. A truly irresponsible message had a verse like this actually dwelled in the Bible. 

Yes Father. I do have dozens of inquiries I like to deliver to You; but at the same time I’ve long found no value in doing so by an arduous means called prayer . Mr. Stubborn, may Sean have to nonetheless deliver You just one minor inquiry. Sir, Sean likes to be recovered. Sean likes to be reinvigorated with energies and passions. Passions Sean used to hold 24/7. Whether in You or in journalism or in anything under the sun, I like to retrieve them to my inner self. 

I am feeling dried tonight. Dried in nearly everything. I make an OK amount of monies every month, and will get a bulk of bonus later this month and next month. But that doesn’t quench my thirst at all. Father, actions are needed. And motives are dearly on demand. 

If You will, would You place Your hands on me tonight, though I even now are very much reluctant to kneeling down and praying. 

From Sean to Him 

Dec. 12, 2022

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Psalm 31-36 — I want to write a story that doesn’t mourn, but that brings hopes

My God, I have a story I want to write. A story that doesn’t mourn. But a story that explores a silver lining from a swirl of criticisms and negativities. Three weeks ago I rather reluctantly had to write and publish three stories delving into a historic tragedy at Itaewon. At the time, my hands defied against typing any positive words. Koreans were angry at a failed government. Generations threw hatreds at each other, ranking whom to be most blamed. And journalists from all over the world dissecting into a swath of the broken government’s accountability. 

Not for this story. Father, for this story at least, I wish to bring some positive lights to it, letting my readers know there could be a silver lining drawn from the tragedy. I don’t yet have a concrete logic built. Very short-sighted logic is all I have constructed so far. No confidence at all. Those who will happen to come across my story may laugh at an absurd, none-sense logic prevalent in the story. 

Father, I wish not to care about a likely barrage of laughs and criticisms I would get as soon as this story runs in the end of November. 

Sire, I as writer and journalist hope to disseminate words that delight lives of others. This story I’ve been building on for weeks yet lacks compelling evidences to pursue some positivities. It lacks compelling characters who would bolster the positive angle of the story. 

Understood news tend to be critical. And also understood not a single story can make everyone happy. Nevertheless, Father, I want to explore, experiment, and test myself how capable Journalist Sean is in terms of transforming a prevalently tragic story into something positive. 

Once again, I am not at all confident that I could push this story to the finish line. About a week is left until I have to get the story finished and publish it. 

“And the children of men take refuge in the shadow of Your wings,” reads Psalm 36:7. 

Just for the record, I ain’t sure why I’ve quoted Psalm 36:7 here. Guess I did because it reads positive. 

From Sean to Him

Nov. 20, 2022

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Psalm 28-30 — A tragedy reporting at Itaewon

Father. I could have thanked You for having canceled my scheduled business trip to Germany this week. Had I flown to Germany, I would have not had an opportunity to cover the deadly Itaewon stampede for The Sydney Morning Herald.

But my God. I am not feeling thankful to You, nor do I feel excited for getting my official journalist page created on The Sydney Morning Herald website. This past week, I hadn’t paid a glimpse at the Bible up until 10 minutes ago. From Sunday to Thursday, while covering the tragedy and filing three stories, I, really I so wanted to put at least one positive angle to the tragic stories. But I couldn’t, really couldn’t find any, any silver lining from the tragedy. 

The latest story I filed yesterday, its title begins: “Absolutely Avoidable.” Shoot, let me stop here. Don’t want to further discuss this. My God, tomorrow I will again head to Itaewon to cover the last day of the national mourning period. Wish me luck. Actually, don’t wish me luck, but wish me to do a right journalism there, and don’t let me get swept by an instant emotional stampede. 

“Hear the voice of my supplications when I cry to You for help,” reads Psalm 28:2. 

Father, You must have heard enough cries this week, not from me, but from millions of those affected, both directly and indirectly, by the tragedy all over the world. 

My God…

From Sean to Him 

Nov. 4, 2022

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Psalm 25-27 — ‘Dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life’

David said it all I have long wanted to say outspokenly but never done from Psalm 25 to 27. So I reckon this is an opportunity to document it here, a letter that no one would read except You and a few of my friends who’ve been kind enough to help me hold my wavering faith in You. 

OK. Here You go, Sir, in verbatim: 

“For Your goodness’ sake, O Lord ……Guard my soul and deliver me; Do not let me be ashamed, for I take refuge in You …… For I wait for You,” reads Psalm 25:7, 20 and 21. 

“All I have trusted in the Lord without wavering. Examine me , O Lord, and try me; Test my mind and my heart. For Your lovingkindness is before my eyes,” reads Psalm 26:1-3.

“One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to meditate in His temple,” reads Psalm 27:4.

In Your name I pray. Amen.

From Sean to Him 

Oct. 27, 2022

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Psalm 22-24 — I am sorry

I am sorry, Sire, that I can’t think of any word I want to write here. Checked Psalm 22 to 24. No words underlined. 

But here are the last few lines of Psalm 24: 

“Who is the King of glory? The Lord strong and mighty, The Lord might in battle, Life up your heads, O gates, And lift them up, O ancient doors, That the King of glory may come in

“Who is this King of glory? The Lord of hosts, He is the King of glory. Selah.” 

Good night.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 25, 2022

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Psalm 19-21 — A letter full of shit words

Tired. Lying myself on a bed now would keep me under a blanket until the sunrise. At 10:21 p.m., eyes half closed, and fingers floating on a keyboard, I somewhat skimmed through Psalm 19 to 21, did underline a few lines and words, but can’t think of an outline which’d start inking this letter. 

No break was allowed throughout the day at work. Morning gone by a second, lunch time sacrificed, then when a dim twilight started permeating the office through half-closed window covers, at almost time for heading home for most of my colleagues, I could finally take a breath. By mid afternoon, I had to finish a first draft of a quarterly earnings press release. Materials from the Investor Relations team were all in Korean, financial jargons, and absurd technicalities I had no idea what each meant, and how I could turn each absurdity into a simple language. While scrambling to write the release, colleagues around me asked for help, rather in a urgent tone. And I couldn’t ignore them. 

Bombarded with work over work. Father, I am tired. But a work day like this is what my colleagues have ritually been enduring for years and even decades. Less than three months have passed since I started this role. There shouldn’t yet be a room for complaint nor whining for Sean. It’s too early, or maybe I haven’t yet been fully adjusted to a new work life. I am still in a middle of a work-mental adjudgment, slowly building up work muscles. 

Father, the only complete sentence I underlined through Psalm 19 to 21 is in Psalm 20:7. “But we will boast in the name of the Lord, our God,” the verse reads. 

The next time I get to write a letter to You, whether that’d be tomorrow or one day next month or year, I hope not to dub the next letter with a full of shit words and work complaints. 

As the verse says, I want the next letter to be filled with my bragging about You, “boasting in the name of the Lord,” so at the very least, it’d be a bit more pleasant and calming for me to come forth to You and start scribbling about words in the Bible. 

Sounds good? 

Thanks.

From Sean to Him 

Oct. 24, 2022

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Psalm 16-18 — Failed attempt to write You while drunk

Last night, I wanted to write You a letter while drunk, thinking I could lend the power of alcohol to be more genuine, more transparent, and more confessing to You. But that one 500ml can of Blue Moon engulfed my will, and led me straight to bed. 

The 4.8% alcoholic beverage had me sleep past noon today. Still a bit hungover after just one beer, I spent almost the entire afternoon in bed watching old movies on Netflix and catching up some belated news on my mobile news apps. Then came already the sun set. Past 5 p.m., I stepped outside for the first time today, visited a local cafe to fill some caffeine into my yet hazy self, and came home around 9 p.m. for dinner. 

And now, five minutes till tomorrow, I am finally doing something that isn’t wasteful. I wanted to spend today in a far more constructive fashion, but look, what have I done today except lollygaging the entire day? 

If my will is too weak, then please fix it Sire. If my laziness has nearly progressed to be chronic, then please stop the progression and kill it. And/or, if I am just a lazy ass 30-year-old without a vision, then please take an immediate action to alert me, and arouse my vision. 

Father, it isn’t that I am distressed. I’ve been actually pretty calm these days. But, Father, while in calm, I feel as if my life is at a stalemate. At least several months have passed since I somehow felt accomplished with my work. Had I lived my life like this, I would have no problem with sustaining a stable life. But I wish not to only pursue a stable life, if You know what I mean. 

“Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,” prayed distressed David to You in Psalm 13:3. 

Father, please read this letter word by word and answer me if You are my God. 

In Your name Sean prays, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Oct. 22, 2022

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Psalm 13-15 — Enslaved work machine

“How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me (while I am begging for help amidst troubles),” said David in Psalm 13:1. 

Until last year, while floundering in the self-inflicted swamp of joblessness and uncertainties, almost every time I wrote You a thing, I asked You over and over — “How long, damn it, how long should I keep on praying to the invisible while not hearing anything from You in return?” At the time I was desperate. So desperately wanting to get out of my joblessness, get out of my everyday despair, and get out of a seemingly endless state of uncertainties. I envied friends who posted what they accomplished at work on Instagram. I envied a cousin who went on a vacation to Jeju Island and posted photos of his surfing on the Jesu waves on Facebook. And I envied my sister who gifted my parents a new outfit for their wedding anniversary. I wanted to do all these things I envied, but couldn’t do any of them as I was living on a monthly government assistance designed for jobless young adults like myself. 

While in trouble, while in my own term a deepest despair, I clung my hope to You in a most desperate manner by shouting Your name in an empty public park, by becoming emotional while listening to soft hymns, and by writing You a letter from time to time. Had I read Psalm 13:1 last year, Father, I ain’t sure how I would have outlined this letter. What David sang in Psalm 13 almost identically replicates what I had in mind almost every hour last year. 

But now, a man with a relatively stable job and monthly income, I am not terrified nor moved by Psalm 13:1. Almost insensitive. Have I lost my thirst in You? Where has my desperate mindset fled to? Why did I not become emotional as soon as my eyes spotted a phrase — “How long” — in Psalm 13:1? 

Like yesterday, I went to work at 7:30 a.m., and got off at almost 10 p.m. Another entire day was spent at work. A work machine would probably fit me well at this moment. Due to days of overtime work I’ve logged this month, I effective today am qualified for overtime pays. Extra monies will be sent to my bank account next money. Is that a good thing? Is making extra monies an accomplishment? Is overtime work advancing my life to a right direction? At work tonight, I wanted to find a way to write an original feature story without violating Samsung’s stringent regulations. I spent days and hours to find the way, but haven’t been successful yet. I wanted to find a way by tonight, but couldn’t do it. 

Father, I hope not to be enslaved by work for corporate. If ever can, I would much rather be enslaved by something else, maybe on-spot journalism, maybe some undefined altruistic work, or maybe You. 

What am I talking about? Can’t tell whether I am in a right set of mind at this moment. 

I don’t know. But, You know.  

From Sean to Him

Oct. 19, 2022

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Psalm 10-12 — Fight against hypocritical self

Another long day at work. This time the longest. Physically tired and cerebrally deep-fried. All I did since 7 a.m. was self-learned about bispecific antibody platform, how this new generation of cancer-treating drugs would engender helpful ripple effects to those who haven’t been able to afford expensive cancer treatments, while almost consistently taking care of miscellaneous communications with folks in England and Germany. At 11 p.m., right now, I can finally take a breath. What goodness have I brought today? Given almost entire day was spent at work, have I been then productive, actually bringing tangible work outcomes? Have I grown professionally? Am I doing a right thing at a right moment? 

Questions after questions. Doubts after doubts. Father, did I live up to Your expectation at least today? Or did I not? Answer me? Or would You stay mute as usual? 

Father, yesterday I nakedly discussed my veiled wickedness with You. Remember how deceitful have I been to people around me? How wicked have I been to those who nevertheless send cares to my way? How did I talk and behave today at work? Was I seen honest and truly understanding of my coworkers? I can never know whether my behaviors are viewed favorable to others or not. But You would know, wouldn’t You? 

Apologies for throwing out a barrage of questions here, Sire. But I just want to lay out every question I have had in mind but never spat it out to anyone in recent days and weeks. “They speak falsehood to one another with flattering lips and with a double heart they speak,” reads Psalm 12:2.

Father, I wish not to speak any word with flattering lips nor do I ever want to embrace a double heart. I want to be seen genuine, want every word that comes off of my mouth to reflect my true self. As You were always honest and transparent to Your followers in the Bible, I pray and wish to be honest and transparent to those whom I care and love, families, friends, colleagues, and even acquaintances. 

Let’s see how I do tomorrow. Please keep Your eyes on me tomorrow. 

Good night.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 18, 2022

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Psalm 7-9 — Faith long been shaken

I do lie to people. I do fake myself to people. I pretend to be understanding of others while inside talking shit about them. I act like an extrovert but inside I am a pathetic introvert. I smile at people while grinding agonies inside.  

I am not a good man, nor a good son, nor a good friend, nor a good coworker — nor a good believer. At the very least, Father, at the very, very least, I want this letter to truly manifest who I am to myself, and to You. In the past week I’ve been reading the Psalms. Most words in the Psalms read encouraging and hopeful. Positive vibes are everywhere in David’s songs. I almost always quote at least one verse in each every letter supposedly devoted to You. Had I quoted a hopeful, encouraging and vastly spiritual verse in this letter, then my tones and languages here would also read in a smilier fashion — while inside me has yet been battling my ill faith, spirituality for years. 

How could I nakedly discuss my ill faith here with You after reading a barrage of enchanting Bible verses? The lines I underlined tonight come from Psalm 9:1-2. They read: “I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart; I will tell of all Your wonders. I will be glad and exult in You; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High.” 

I haven’t found a thing to thank You today; I ain’t yet ready to praise of Your wonders since they have never been manifested in my life; and calling You “O Most High” just sounds too, too flattering that my skins would shiver in imaginary chills.

While reading the Book of Job just a week ago, I could have written a lot more in a plain, naked language than I had done — as the book was all about spiritual battles, personal agonies, and perpetual grudges. But I did not do so as I had almost always read the Scripture at late night that I just wanted to be done with it as quickly as possible and head to bed. I am expected to spend as much time as possible to speculate on Your words, consume Your words, make them to my own, then write about them. I however rarely, or rather hardly met the expectation. 

My God, my faith has long been shaken. I haven’t been able to stop the shake in my faith. As confessed multiple times, I am powerless in too many ways, including controlling my shaky faith. Would You hold me tight? Would You grip my shaky faith and anchor it around Your pole so it would no longer be shaken? 

Would You? 

From Sean to Him

Oct. 17, 2022

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Psalm 4-6 — Sean’s 20 plus years old prayer to You

Today is my beloved dad’s 65th birthday. I, my mother and sister for the past 20 plus years have been imploring You to encourage and motivate my dad to voluntarily come to Your alter. It seems like our collective prayer have very slowly been received and realized in heaven as he now says hallelujah whenever my family holds a small worship service at home. But he still is very reluctant to going to church and is still in a deep doubt about Your presence. 

Father, it may sound absurd to You as Sean, who has repeatedly and rather vividly said he yet doesn’t believe in You 100 percent, is asking You to help his dad to believe in You. I admit I still don’t believe in You 100 percent; but at the very least, I do pretend to be a believer, pretend to be faithful at church, and pretend to be an OK christian by pretending to write You a seemingly devoted letter quite regularly since July 2020. 

One of my biggest short-term wishes is that I and my family including dad would go to church together on a regular Sunday, not a New Year’s Eve nor a Christmas Day. He is already 65. Father, I earnestly hope he would spend at least 20 years learning a bit about You before You summon him to Your residence. This isn’t a plea nor an asking, but a prayer. Please remember. Really. 

My God, I just used the language – prayer – here because David in Psalm 4 determinedly sang the Lord  would eventually hear his prayer. “Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness …… be gracious to me and her my prayer …… the Lord hears when I call to Him,” sang David in Psalm 4:1-3. The Bible never lies is what the countless Sunday sermons have pierced through my ears ever since I started attending church. I hope You are following my logic here, my good Sire. And I hope You wouldn’t just walk away but actually do something, do something to my dad sooner than later. 

In Your name I pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 16, 2022

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Psalm 1-3 — A day when I would pray like David

The Psalms was my favorite book in the Bible when I was attending a Sunday school at church in the early 2000s. Not because the little Sean found it spiritually inspiring and enlightening, but because each chapter in the Psalms was so short that he could quickly earn points for a weekly Bible transcription contest — which whoever transcribed the most chapters in the Bible got awarded a 50-cent gift card, enough for purchasing an instant ramen bowel at the time. 

Beside at church, I can’t remember a time when I took a personal time to open up and read the Psalms. That may be because David’s songs is one of the most frequently quoted Bible contents at a Sunday sermon that I have never felt a need to revisit it at my own time. Or I may just have not been spiritual enough to read it on my own. 

Father, after the Book of Job appears the Psalms. As agreed to myself and You, I just now finished reading three chapters in the Psalms. It took less than five minutes to read them as they were mercifully short. Only a few skims were all I needed to finish achieving my daily Bible-reading quota — three chapters a day. I could have read more, but somehow I did choose not to. Hope it is OK of me taking an easy route to fulfilling the quota, the long-breached contract between You and I.  

My God, 20 years ago of me would focus on transcribing each verse in the Psalms as quickly as possible to win the contest. But on Oct. 15, 2022, I did not transcribe any but read, and found these verses that poked my eyes. 

“But You, O Lord are a shield about me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head. I was crying to the Lord with my voice, and He answered me from His holy mountain. Selah. I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustains me,” prayed David to God in Psalm 3:3-5. 

Wish I could become spiritual enough to pray like David in sincerity. But my heart isn’t yet ready to do so. Putting conscious efforts to pretend to pray like David, I don’t think, wouldn’t do any service to You. So I would not try faking to You. Father, however, one day, hopefully in not too distant future, I wish I could pray like David, rather in sincerity. 

Amen. 

From Sean to Him 

Oct. 15, 2022

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Job 40-42 — A hundred-fold reward after decades of pain

I had a rough day at work. Three weeks ago, I was given an opportunity to attend a business trip in Germany in November, a rare privilege for a newcomer. Since then, I’ve assumed a marketing role on top of my primary role as senior writer. To keep up with my doubled, daily workload, I’ve come to work early and gone home late. My brain got deep-fried every day after a long day at work during the past three weeks, but I was nonetheless feeling achieved. 

Then I was told this morning that I would not attend the business trip as my performance has not been demonstrated. It was a decision by one of the company’s Vice Presidents. The VP wasn’t sure whether Sean would be capable of representing Samsung at the global conference; and wasn’t sure whether Sean’s writing level was what he had expected upon hiring me. He through my team leader said he would test my writing performance through a spree of writing assignments in the next several months. 

Father, in all candor, I was disappointed when hearing this news, and was a bit discouraged that I would no longer be flying to Germany in November. On the flip side, however, this could be an opportunity for me to prove the VP what Sean can do, what Sean can contribute. That’s how I’ve kept reminding myself of throughout the day at work. 

My God, I just now finished the Book of Job. The last three chapters read enlightening. In Job 40:2, You told Jon: “Will the faultfinder contend with the Almighty?” Then in Job 41:11, You proclaimed: “Whatever is under the whole heaven is Mine.” You are entitled to make these pompous proclamations as You are the one the only God. After You came Job’s confession in chapter 42. Word by word, Job confessed: “I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted …… Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand, things too wonderful for me which I did not know.”

After Job’s confession, You, who had taken away everything — families, assets, and every other luxuries Job enjoyed under the sun — Job had earlier in the book, awarded Job a hundred-fold of what he had lost and been taken away.

The last sentence of the Book of Job says: “And Job died, an old man and full of days.” Reading the last sentence made me jealous of Job’s life. He lived his life to the fullest as he never let his life depart from You. 

Hmm… 

From Sean to Him 

Oct. 13, 2022

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Job 37-39 — You spoke to Job, what about Sean?

God finally spoke to Job, face to face, in the entire chapter 38 of the Book of Job. Authoritative, determined tones smeared every 41 verses in the chapter. “Have you understood the expanse of the earth? Tell Me, if you know all this,” God asked Job in verse 18 as if He had already known what Job would’ve answered — ‘No I do not.’

Father, I also do not know. I don’t know how powerful You are. Barely even try imagining what You can do that I can never do. The Bible says You have every power that I, one of the many powerless, should pray whenever I can to borrow a bit of Your mighty power to sustain my life on earth. Your faithful servants featured in the Bible, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and many others, managed to borrow a diminutive amount of Your power to get their heavenly missions achieved on earth before death. Even some animals described in the Bible enjoyed some enchanted gifts from You although they never understood who You were. 

My God, I have a very little understanding of who You are, what You can do to my life, and how You will maneuver my life. No one has yet provided me enough evidences that’d make me believe how powerful You are. Hundreds of sermons that’ve hit but never dwelled in my ears for more than half a day didn’t do so well at convincing me that words in the Bible are from God and thus trustworthy, 

Faith inside me has no established base. My heart is yet ready to dive into Your deepest pool. Despite all these, I nonetheless attend a Sunday service; read Your words from time to time to pretend to be a grown-up Christian; and scribble some raw sentences on a computer notepad supposedly dedicated to You. 

It took 37 Bible chapters for Job, likely the most faithful and resilient Biblical character, to finally get Your responses. 

What about me? How long would it take for Sean to get Your responses to his sporadic devotional letters? 

I am still waiting and will wait more if needed. Just letting You know. 

Good night. 

From Sean to Him

Oct. 12, 2022

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Job 34-36 — Where are You, who’s supposedly my Maker?

“But no one says, ‘Where is God my Maker, who gives songs in the night, who teaches us more than the beasts of the earth and makes us wiser than the birds of the heavens? There they cry out, but He does not answer because of the pride of evil men,’” said Elihu, a jealous friend to Job, in Job 35:10-12. 

Elihu, from a rationale standpoint, could never grasp how Job managed to keep his faith despite all these egregious afflictions God put on him. Job to Elihu was a person never to be understood, a person too spiritually perfect to befriend, a biblical paragon no one could ever follow suit.

Father, I am with Elihu. I almost finish reading the Book of Job, and I have not become to like Job nor do I admire his selfless behaviors manifested in a chronicle named himself, not even to a littlest degree. 

To my understanding, Job never chose to think nor act in a rational way nor did he ever try to make a deal with You, the Almighty – who could convert the impossible into the possible with a finger tip. Job could have reached You out for help after having lost everything he once had. But he chose not to. He never got discouraged but kept on crying out to You through prayer even if You never, never responded to Job’s prayer. What a fool, a complete fool. The most naive Biblical character featured in the Bible. That’s Job to my understanding.

Father, I unlike Job am wicked. This letter is supposed to be a selfless devotions from Sean to You. But as I am writing this, I am hoping You would recompense me a something good in return for me writing this devotional letter. I have never given You a single prayer for more than a year, but still hope You would get my earthly hopes and desires realized in my tomorrows. 

My goodness. Sire. I ain’t sure how You would react to today’s letter. Hope You read this with understanding. 

From Sean to Him

Oct. 10, 2022

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Job 31-33 — I hate to be a quitter

I hate to be a quitter. Give up has never been welcomed, but has for too many times successfully infiltrated to my life. Eleven years ago, in a basement at the University of Missouri Student Center, I began a career as journalist. Ever since, I have published approximately 400ish stories under the byline Sean Na. In between my reporting career were several gap years in which I once diverged from journalism to Korean-to-English translation gigs, teachings, and other miscellaneous work. But I during these gap years tried to do some original journalism work on my own, actually made quite a progress, but never finished any of them. I can recall one winter day in 2018 when I had a three-hour interview with a North Korean defector. The interview was long, but very eye-opening that I at the time couldn’t wait to transform the interview contents into an enlightening story. I however never even started drawing an outline about this defector’s story. And, the three-hour interview file still dwells in my iPhone’s storage, never played even once since early 2019. 

I can’t count the exact number. But there must be at least a dozen stories for which I had started researching and even interviewing real people,  but never got any of them to the finish line. One of them was actually a darn important story – that I attended a four-hour long legislative session pertaining to Medicaid at the Missouri General Assembly, and actually drafted a story right after the session. But the draft needed more information before getting published, and I for some absurd reasons never came back to finish the story and get it published. 

Quitter. I hate to be a quitter. But Father, I have to admit that I have been a quitter. Not only have I quitted on pursuing some important stories but I have also for too frequent times quitted on doing work pleasing to You, like as trivial as not sleeping in a middle of a Sunday worship service.  

“Does He not see my ways and number all my steps?”Job asserted in Job 31:4.

My God, I have quitted too many times that I can’t know where to start to revisit all my projects that’ve been lost in action for months and years. My Father, I want not to be a quitter in my professional as well as spiritual life. As written in Job 31:4, You should have also well documented every quitted attempt I have committed for months and years. I honestly don’t know where to start first, where to start to get these long-halted projects re-rolling, and where to start to get my writing and journalism spirit back.

Dream. Journalism is my dream. No one would want to give up on dream. Neither do I.

Help me roll again Father. Help me get fired up again, please. Like You did to Job. Please do the same to me as well.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 9, 2022

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Job 28-30 — ‘I cry out to You for help, but You do not answer me,’ said Job, and Sean seconds that

“I cry out to You for help, but You do not answer me; I stand up, and You turn Your attention against me. You have become cruel to me; with the might of Your hand You persecute me. You lift me up to the wind and cause me to ride; and You dissolve me in a storm. For I know that You will bring me to death and to the house of meeting for all living,” reads Job 30:20-23. 

Cruel, but determined. Painful, but resilient. And. Steadfast.

I wish I could cry like this in a determined voice. I wish I could stand resilient amid a swirl of distresses. And. I wish I could act steadfast, like how Job manifested himself in a chronicle named after him.

Could my three wishes be even realizable? I hope they are, though it’d take a gazillion amount of sweats and bloods to manifest them in my day-to-day behavior, life. 

Sire, life isn’t easy. It almost never rolls in a way I desire; rather it rolls in a way You desire. I would like the complete opposite to happen in life, but that’s just a gibberish. 

No control is granted to me. My steering wheel is long broken. No engineer could fix it. 

Maybe You can? 

Unsure whether I am making sense here. But sure You are smart enough to understand my nonsense scribbles. Aren’t You? 

From Sean to Him

Oct. 5, 2022

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Job 25-27 — Father, simply put, I want all my loved ones be well

My God, I right now am listening to a song titled “Talking to Jesus.” The song, narrated in the first-person, describes a boy slowly building up his faith from the scratch. Once not fond of his grandma praying out loud to Him every night, as growing up to adulthood, he’s gotten to admit that his grandmother was in fact talking to Jesus. And ever since, he’s started praying every night in a relentless attempt to find answers to questions in life, like his grandma did. The song ends with a repetitive, friendliest chorus — “What a friend we have in Jesus.” 

Father, anther work day passed. I was a bit nervous this morning as I would face a doubled amount of workload and responsibility throughout October. I thankfully got through the first day in this challenging month. So I reckon here’s one thing I would talk and thank You tonight. Sire, I about half an hour ago was reading Job:25-27. In the middle of the chapters, Job said: “For as long as life is in me, and the breath of God is in my nostrils” in Job 27:3-4. I ain’t sure about a philosophical meaning behind it, but it reads as if You are destined to hear my words, complaints, whining, grievances, or anything under the sun as You dwell right inside my nose that You cannot miss a single word come off from my mouth. 

I know I am writing a nonsense here. I may sound too hopeful tonight. Not sure why I am writing this like a child. But Father, You know there is an old adage that says parents can’t win over their children. If You are my spiritual parent, and You regard me as one of Your children, then I guess You have no other option but do what I respectfully ask You to do. 

My good Sire, all I am asking You tonight isn’t a huge favor. I simply want all my loved ones to be well.

Would You do me this favor, please? 

From Sean to Him

Oct. 4, 2022

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Job 22-24 — Prayer for my friend whose mother ascended to Your residence

Father, this morning I received a text message from a good friend of mine that her mother, whose precious name is In-sook, passed away. The only thing I know about Ms. In-sook is she was a believer, a daughter You have loved on earth and will continue to love in heaven. I can’t calculate the amount of grief and regret my friend is going through now. It must be tough. I ain’t sure how I would be had any of my loved family members passed away at a sudden. I would feel devastated, extraordinarily regretful, and unsure how to move on the next day. Father, I suppose You have already welcomed Ms. In-sook to heaven, and she is enjoying every second of her new chapter there. My God, had You been so kind and merciful, while taking care of Ms. In-sook in heaven, I hope and pray You would do the same to my friend, who this morning seemed not to be ready to goodbye her mother yet. Thanks in advance for Your help and mercy. You are good, to me, to my friend, and to Ms. In-sook, and others in need, as always. 

In the meantime, my good Sire, I just now finished reading Job 22-24. Despite all the gruesome events You purposefully put on Job, he nonetheless confessed that “he longs for God.” “It is God who has made my heart faint, and the Almighty who has dismayed me,” Job confessed to You in Job 23:16-17. “But I am not silenced by the darkness, nor deep gloom which covers me.” 

Job was a warrior inside and outside. He was resilient to agonizing pain and determined to position himself closest to You, both in-and outside. Father, I starting tomorrow will take on supporting the marketing team on top of my day-to-day global media duty. My workload will be doubled, responsibility will be doubled, and pressure will be quadrupled. As You know, I’ve long felt empty inside as I have not done any journalism work outside my workplace, and felt worried that I may lose my journalist spirit, identity had I kept dwelling on my everyday work at Samsung and not taking an initiative to pursue some journalism work outside the work hour on my own. A busy, likely hectic October is on its way to me. Father, I need strength, resilience, and determination that You provided to Job. 

Once again, thanks in advance for Your help and grace, for me, for my friend, for Ms. In-sook, and for others thirst in You. 

In Your name I pray,  

Amen. 

From Sean to Him 

Oct. 3, 2022

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Job 16-21 — Full of falsehood, where’s my long-held identity as writer, journalist?

Father, I ain’t sure what to write. This letter full of unfiltered words shouldn’t need much thinking to be written. A stress-free, candid writing is what I initially intend this daily series to be. In recent months, however, it has rather become a bi-weekly or even a monthly series. I no longer feel sorry to You had I not read Your words nor written You any before bed every night. I somehow feel stressed of contents I would deliver to You, which’s made me even more hesitant and reluctant to reading and writing about Your words. 

In all candor, about a month ago, when I opened up the first chapter in the Book of Job, I was darn excited. Excited for reading one of the most insightful books in the Bible; excited for learning how Job managed to keep his faith amidst egregious struggles; and excited for highlighting as many verses in Job as possible and over-quoting them in my letters to You. My God, I tonight read Job 19-21, and I underlined none while reading the chapters. On Sept. 17, the most recent day Sean opened the Bible, he read Job 16-18, and he didn’t underline any nor did he write You any. 

For about 15 minutes while reading Job 19-21, I spotted at least five words of which I didn’t know the meanings. I would have looked up those words in an online dictionary, but I didn’t do that tonight nor on Sept. 17.  Sire, I am not getting any, any insight while reading Your words. Reading the Bible has for months felt like a mundane school work that I hate to do but have to do to get a passing grade in a class. In July, when I resumed writing You a letter for the first time in almost a year, I was excited, excited for resuming a once disconnected communications line between You and I. But now, Father, damn it I can’t, can’t think of what damn words I should ink on this letter. 

In the ending verse in Job 21, Job told Zophar: “How then will you vainly comfort me, for your answers remain full of falsehood.” Father, I don’t know based on which context Job was speaking these words to Zophar; but the last six words in Job 21:34 caught my attention just now. “Your answers remain full of falsehood.”

Full of falsehood. Father, I am making good money at my new job, making new business connections and friends. But somehow, I feel empty inside. I feel as if my long-held identity as writer, journalist has slowly withered away. A rigorous writer would write even day. A passionate journalist would keep his or her ears and eyes wide open for stories 24/7. But Sean Na hasn’t done any of what a passionate writer and journalist would do every day in the last two months. 

Father, that however does not mean I am not enjoying my new job. Every day is a pleasant challenge at my workplace. I enjoy working with my colleagues, learning new lessons every day. My God, I nonetheless feel empty, so excruciatingly empty that I feel as if I have to do something right away.  But I can’t figure out what to do to remedy my emptiness, what to do to fill up my empty box. 

Where should my focus be? What’s my priority list? Where should I start to fix this agonizing puzzle?  

From Sean to Him

Oct. 1, 2022

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Job 13-15 — Treading on the rugged grounds

I have felt thirst, thirst for writing a thing — whether in a form of a scribble, blog, newsy story, or letter from Sean to You. Father, I have wanted to write You a thing since last weekend. I for the past five days have only imagined myself conducting a rigorous writing activity but have not transformed the imagination into a real action. This morning, I woke up around 5:30 a.m. with an intention to start a day by writing You a thing based on words in the Bible; but my determination had short-lived, and I soon re-collapsed on a bed, sleeping past 7 a.m. 

Last Sunday, during a church service, I for the first time since the early last year scribbled a few broken sentences on a notepad about the sermon. My scribbles read: “Exodus 14:13; take a break from busy life; break from obsession; break from journalism; and spare times for spiritual reinvigoration.”

Father, I was sermoned last Sunday that I need to find enough time for me to escort You to my inner body, congenially invite You to re-energize my depleted spirituality, and politely ask You to lend Your comfort to my life. Exodus 14:13-14 read: “Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the Lord which He will accomplish for you today …… The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent.” My God, these verses read like another cliche abundant in the Bible, another word of encouragement, feel-good sentences that render a false hope to a person like Sean Na — that one day the Lord will take care of every struggle in my life. 

Dear Sire, I tonight read Job 13 to 15. Despite a never-ending pain that You bestowed upon Job, he was determined to stay with You, determined to never let his faith go, and determined that You would eventually take care of his pain as long as he kept sending You a one-way prayer. However egregious pain Job suffered, Job chose to complain, cry, whine and regret not in solitude but before You. 

My good Sire, as Job did not want to be a man who “mourns only for himself” as written in Job 14:22, I also wish and pray to become a person proactively seeking Your guidance and comfort however rugged grounds my feet would stand and tread on. 

Hear me loud and clear? 

From Sean to Him 

Sept. 7, 2022

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Job 10-12 — My own awful ego to not pray

Father, this may sound a valid excuse of why I can’t turn off the light, kneel down, close my eyes, grip my Bible, and pray. I live in a dorm with a roommate. He is sitting right next to my desk watching a Korean drama on a mobile phone. And it would be too embarrassing had I suddenly kelt down and started praying right next to him, wouldn’t it be? My God, I know I haven’t given You a prayer even once in 2022, and I know I every day am making an excuse of why I couldn’t pray. I would likely come up with another excuse tomorrow, and continue. 

Dear Sire, I at least read Your words and am taking an initiative to write You something spiritual two days in a row. Sean at least hasn’t turned completely against You. He was close, but managed to not cut the communication line between him and You. 

Father, another work day passed. Today’s workload was comparatively lighter than yesterday’s. Two more days are left until another weekend, or another Friday and Saturday nights with hard liquor and limitless beers. I was for once used to looking forward to greeting a Sunday morning, looking forward to stepping into church, looking forward to interacting with other church-goers, and looking forward to venting off every stress by singing praises at Your home, church. In recent years, however, I have chosen to employ other ways to vent off stresses — smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, and watching old dramas or movies on YouTube or Netflix.  

Father, I know I have long been misled by my own egos. So misled that I no longer feel being misled while doing something awfully wrong.

My good Sire, then, tonight I came across Job 12:16 — which in part reads: “The misled and the misleader belong to Him.” The Bible doesn’t lie, does it? So I reckon I, despite a mountain of wrongdoings I have committed thus far, yet belong to You and You are in charge of Sean’s life moving forward. 

So I guess I am fine and should not be feeling guilty and pressured but relieved and well. 

May I? 

From Sean to Him

August 31, 2022

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Esther 8-10 ; Job 1-9 — Eventful August, with not a single letter written to You until now

I ain’t sure, Sir. I ain’t sure whether I should feel regretful that I did not write You a single letter in August. The fact that I willfully chose not to read Your words and chose not to think of You while wrestling with every minute of my work life — I ain’t sure why, why I am not feeling regretful. 

Father, I have had quite an eventful August. On Aug. 1, I was tested positive for COVID-19, felt sick for nearly a week, and thus had to cancel my long-waited, two-week long solo trip. While combating a high fever and soar throat, while trying my very best to juice every sweat off my overheated body, I yet chose not to seek You. Then on Aug. 16, I officially assumed a new role as a senior writer for Samsung Biologics. Since then, I have felt inundated with pressures every day, pressures that I have to prove my competitiveness sooner than later, demonstrate how adept I am at writing, assure my seniors and colleagues that they can count on me whenever they have issues with English writing, and a million other self-inflicted agonies. 

My God the Almighty, it’s been exactly 14 days since I started working here. Father, I ain’t sure. I am really not feeling confident that I’d be capable of tasking out what I am hired to do at Samsung. Last week, I was assigned to write a story about drug substance and product — bio-medical jargons I had never heard of. I struggled with first understanding the technical concepts and decoding dozens of biomedical acronyms that I had to spend nearly an hour to find their spelled-out names. Then came the most frustrating part — writing. I couldn’t write easy-to-grasp sentences fast enough nor was I at all confident with sentences I wrote after hours of rewriting, rewriting, and rewriting. I wasn’t sure, or rather was worried that my colleagues would be disappointed in Sean — who’s supposed to be a super proficient writer.

Dear God, this month, I dove into the Book of Job in the Bible. You purposefully tested Job’s faith in every gruesome way possible. Even then, Job, unrealistically dedicated follower of You, kept his faith in You, sought You, communicated with You though knowing he couldn’t see nor hear You, and prayed. “Were He to pass by me, I would not see Him; were He to move past me, I would not perceive Him,” grieved Job in Job 9:11. 

Father, what are You doing now? Where are You? Are You hearing me loud and clear? 

I am not like Job. My faith base is much fragile. If You’ve been testing my faith like You did to Job but in a much lighter extent, You’ve chosen a wrong person. I am not the one capable of being tested. You know I am weak. You so well know I am much fragile. 

Father, I know I am under pressure right now, a seemingly immense pressure. But I ain’t sure how to mitigate this pressure. Maybe I should ask for Your help, guidance, and wisdom. But You wouldn’t come forth to me and directly tell me what to do to troubleshoot my troubled life. Then why would I spend my own times asking someone unreachable for help? 

Father, I admit my faith is so, so twisted that I have no clue how to untangle this. Folks around me say Sean is one of the most extrovert and positive-minded person they’ve met. But Father, I have not been so extrovert nor adopted a positive mindset when trying to talk to You. 

Dear God, where to start to fix my troubled faith? Really, where to start? 

From Sean to Him

August 30, 2022

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Esther 5-7 — Soon to be a Samsung man, is it what You want me to be for a while?

At church this morning, when I was expected to pay attention to a sermon, with my eyes half closed and ears bypassing words from the pastor, I kept conjuring up new words I learned while listening to a Washington Post podcast yesterday. The word amalgamate was one of them. ‘How could I use this word in a sentence?’ ‘Maybe I could use this fancy word for my next story, showcasing my readers how fancy I am with word uses.’

In short, I consciously chose not to listen to Your words, chose not to respect the pastor trying to decipher undisclosed meanings behind Genesis chapter one, but chose to lollygag the hour-long Sunday worship service. 

Father, I did not read Your words nor did I write You any in the past four days. I had times. I had every hour available from sunrise to sunset this week, but didn’t want to spare an hour dedicated to You. I had a plan in mind last week. I wanted to make a notable progress in my Master’s project; I wanted to make a concrete list of story ideas that I would start tackling during the first two weeks in August; and I wanted to invest a good amount time in preparing myself for a new job. The bottom line is — I did none of them. I lollygagged the entire week, watching NBC Nightly News on YouTube, watching trending dramas and movies on Netflix, and roaming around my neighborhood without a destination. 

My God, right now is a critical time that I can utilize to do what I have longed to do — pursuing helpful stories to my fullest extent. Then why. Why have I been feeling restless ever since I got the final offer from Samsung? Why have I consciously chosen to waste all these precious times, doing nothing fruitful. What the heck Father. What on earth is wrong with me, my consciousness? 

Folks around me in the past week have all told me — “Sean, congrats on a big role you earned! You must be so proud of yourself! Now you should go and party until you start the new job” My parents this week have repeatedly told me they are ecstatic that their baby son is going to work for Samsung. But Father, I am not ecstatic nor do I feel deserved to partying. 

Your Highness, I just 20 minutes ago read Esther 5-7, a story about Queen Ester grudging against Haman. I didn’t find any line worthy to be underlined. But I still read Your words, three chapters in the Bible. Did I at least fulfill my pledge today? 

I feel lost. Yes, I will soon be what everyone enviously calls a “Samsung man.” I will be making pretty good money. And my professional credential will soon be more noteworthy. Nevertheless, Father, why on earth am I not thrilled for the next adventurous career chapter that’s about to be unfolded in my life? Why am I being consistently worried for God’s sake? Where can I find the motivation? Where is my damn lost motivation? Where is my damn lost passion in journalism? Am I doing the right thing today, and will I do the right thing tomorrow? 

My pastor today told the congregation that Christians must do things that represent God’s images and Christians must do what You tell them to do. I in all candor did not at all agree with the pastor’s message. How could I do things that represent Your image had I never seen You? How could I do things according to Your command had I never heard anything from You? How could I be the man who does the right thing to Your eyes had You never told me what to do and what not to do? 

What it is that You plan in my life, Your “Almighty”? What it is Father?  When will You ever make Your plans, presence and voice be manifest in my life? 

From Sean to Him

July 31, 2022

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Esther 2-4 — Writing is torturous, but I love doing it, or not

Father, I ain’t sure what to write to You today. I read Esther 2-4 just now, and didn’t find any thought-provoking line to be underlined. I thought about skipping writing You a letter today, but rather chose to write You whatever comes off my mind at 10:54 p.m., July 26, 2022. 

Father, I today went to an art exhibition featuring work by Banksy, a British street artist who has never exposed himself to the public. As a writer doomed to create something out of nothing, whenever I visit an exhibit, I often put myself into an artist’s shoes while asking myself: ‘How painful would it have been to create this size of art?’ ‘How long would it have taken for this artist to come up with this idea before starting to sketch an outline?’ ‘Would this artist have enjoyed going through a series of creative blockers?’ 

I consider writing and art fall into the same category — torturous. Both require a person to utilize his or her creativity to create something off the dirts. No template. No precedence. No guidance. And if that person needs to make a living by writing or painting things, then his or her creativity needs to be transformed into something commercialable — which’s I have found egregiously hard. 

I in all candor don’t thoroughly enjoy writing. It’s indeed a good feeling when my stories get read by many. It’s indeed rewarding when my stories bring positive changes to a community I love. And it’s indeed heartwarming when a fifth grader wrote me an email saying — “Thank you for writing this story.” However, every little process required to produce one complete piece of writing is tortuous. 

My God, one of core reasons I started this devotional series was because I wanted to write something in a stress-free environment. It’s been more than 10 years since I’ve started writing for publications. Some say if one works in a field for 10 years, then he or she becomes an expert in that field. Father, I am no expert in writing. I still struggle with writing fine sentences. I still make grammatical mistakes. And oftentimes sentences I’ve deemed flawless read flawed by others. 

Is writhing a something I can do for life? Is journalism a profession I am truly in love with? Will I be capable of successfully performing my role as a senior writer for Samsung starting next month? Father, I am in doubt against myself, my competitiveness, my ability, and my perseverance.

What to do, really. What to do. 

From Sean to Him

July 26, 2022

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Nehemiah 12-13 ; Esther 1 — Let me chase something helpful, not money

The ending sentence of the Book of Nehemiah was proclamatory, and powerful. “Remember me, O my God, for good,” proclaimed Nehemiah in his last chapter of the book devoted to Him. 

Tithes, or offerings dedicated to God were discussed in the last few chapters in Nehemiah. A certain portion of one’s harvested grains must be offered to the house of God; and if one doesn’t do so, that is almost as if he or she is profaning Him, Nehemiah suggested in his book. 

Father, I have always been weary of giving an offering to church. I once believed and maybe still do believe that churches are too business-oriented that they rather coerce their congregation to pay them as much money via offerings — so that they can embellish their buildings and seek other business interests at the expense of their low- to middle-income congregation. I in all candor don’t think pastors act in a way that the Bible says they must. I consider pastors a profit seeker. Why do I need to give up a part of my hard-earned money to feed those greedy pastors? This is a thought I have held to myself for years. 

Father, I admit that what I have been thinking of churches and pastors is so crooked. I so well know in my brain that every day is a gift from You that every penny I’ve earned should all belong to You. And, an offering given to church is one way for me to recognize and thank You for every bit of work You have and will have done in my life. I completely understand this basic algebra. 

But, Father, I am still hesitant to donating to church as I still sternly believe churches are greedy profit seekers. 

Money doesn’t define success nor happiness in life. And I was used to be not hesitant at all when it comes to giving an offering to church. My God, remember when I was in middle school, I pledged to You that I would give an offering to You for one thousand consecutive weeks? I kept that pledge for more than two years. Plus, while in military, I wasn’t hesitant at all to giving 10 percent of my monthly military allowance to church. Then when I was working in Arizona in 2017, I happily donated what I could at most to church. But in recent years, I hardly gave You any, almost none. 

What has darkened my heart Father? Or have I grown egregiously greedy? Or have I voluntarily chose to turn against You? If I have chosen to turn against You, then why have I been nonetheless attending a Sunday worship service and reading the Bible? What’s the purpose of me doing things that all other Christians routinely do? To seek a peace of mind at church? To make new friendships? To escape from being lonely at home? Or what? 

Father, if I may ask You a favor, I don’t wish to be controlled by money. I don’t wish to be a money chaser. But I want to chase good causes, good fellowships, and good work. 

So please, Your Almighty, let me chase something good, noble, and helpful. 

In Your name Sean prays, Amen.

From Sean to Him

July 25, 2022

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Nehemiah 9-11 — Your behind-the-scene support for Sean

Be humble. Attribute every success made on earth to Him. Be thankful for His behind-the-scene support. And be humble, again. 

This was what my mom kept reiterating to me while we were on our way to church this morning. She asked me: “Son, be humble. Because of God you were able to get employed by Samsung. Do you agree with me?” Then I reacted in a body language — swinging my head left to right, a number of times. Of course, in my heart, I like to believe that everything I have suffered and accomplished, either menial or grandiose, were all included in His plan. But, Father, I nevertheless reacted negatively to my mother’s question on whether I believe every success made in my career was possible because of You. 

Does that mean I am arrogant before You? Does that mean I am pretentious, and just a fool of shit before You? 

Several days ago, again, my mom asked me to give an offering to the church as a means to express thankfulness to God. I at the time was hesitant to saying yes to her asking. And I haven’t given her my answer yet. 

Father, I just now finished reading Nehemiah 9-11. The sons of Israel in chapter nine together confessed their sins before You. Their prayer started with recognizing You as the only God; then in the middle of the prayer, they even gave thanks to all the hardships they had powered through. Then at the end, they made a covenant with You, not just verbally but by signing their names on a sealed document. Unlike Sean Na who doesn’t mind breaking the compromise made with Him whenever he wants, the sons of Israel begged their names on fulfilling the promise pledged to Him. 

My God, I in my heart know You have been supporting me from behind wherever my feet’ve stood since the day one I learned about You. But my knowing hardly gets transpired into a behavior. I don’t know why I consciously choose to act against Your disciplines enumerated in the Bible. I don’t know, Sire, I really don’t. 

“You alone are the Lord,” the sons of Israel acknowledged in Nehemiah 9:6. When can Sean ever be able to wholeheartedly acknowledge You as the only God? 

From Sean to Him

July 24, 2022

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Nehemiah 6-8 — A new career chapter gifted to Sean from You

It’s signed. 

Father, I tonight signed a final job offer letter from Samsung Biologics, marking the end of my eight-week anxiety. It was a bittersweet moment. Bitter as this is yet the ultimate professional role I dream of performing; but also sweet as I am excited for a new career, a new challenge, and a turning point in my life. 

I in recent days have often listened to a gospel song named — “Seek Ye First.” Seemingly reads disciplinary, the song starts — “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you.” Then in the middle, the song goes “Ask and it shall be given unto you, seek and ye shall find, knock and the door shall be open unto you.”  

Father, in the past five years, I have knocked on countless doors, hunting for a journalism job. Every of my attempts did not bear a fruit I wanted. From 2017 to up until now, I have worked around, not in, but around journalism: I worked as a Korean-English translator; I taught English writings at a private academy in Beijing; I self-published about a dozen of unwanted journalism work in my personal blog; I went to a graduate school of journalism but have yet earned the degree; and I most recently worked as a content editor for a global PR agency. 

My God, in all candor, I have hardly felt accomplished in the past five years. I didn’t understand, or rather I didn’t want to admit the fact that I may have just not been competitive enough to get a full-time journalism role, that my writing level wasn’t at a professional level, and that my periodic mumbling may have kept me away from being a full-time journalist.

Starting on August 16, I will assume a role as a senior writer at a global media department for Samsung Biologics. I will be writing press releases, dealing with foreign journalists, and sometimes working on a promotive, feature story for the company. It’s a quasi-journalism role. And I know it’s a rare opportunity that there must have been many others wanting to get a job I will start soon. 

Father, the wall builders in Nehemiah 6 were frightened by the enemy’s scheme and were in a dire need for Your help. They were exceedingly discouraged, but chose to beg their hope on You. “O God, strengthen my hands,” they cried to You in Nehemiah 6:9. 

Your Almighty, I also dearly want You to strengthen my hands. I want to complete my Master’s work. I want to start writing about what I’ve researched and pre-reported a couple of months ago. Before I start working on Aug. 16, I want to commit the next couple of weeks doing journalism. I want to spend every hour available to me until mid August committing myself into producing helpful words, helpful information, and helpful intelligence to whoever willingly visit my journalism blog to read my short-sighted stories. 

Is it too much to ask? I dearly hope not. 

In Your name Sean prays, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

July 22, 2022

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Nehemiah 3-5 — Father, I am sweating in fear

I am concerned, Father, With having been recently laid off at work, and given Samsung hasn’t sent me an official contract for me to sign, I am concerned that I could be left with no job at all and again plunge into the spiral of uncertainties. Throughout yesterday and today I was contained with this anxiety that I didn’t do anything fruitful. Not only I skipped reading the Bible yesterday but also did I consciously choose to waste the past two days doing nothing but checking email newsletters, watching a series of U.S. Constitution lessons on YouTube, and reading stories from outdated New Yorker’s magazines.  

Father, I have a Master’s project I need to finish. I haven’t made any progress in the last three days — while I could have used these “free” times to get the project document completed. Am I being just an egregiously lazy man or am I being just too worried about whatever criticism I would get from the Master’s committee or am I just not capable of writing a graduate-level theory on journalism? Writer’s block is no longer an excuse, nor scheduling conflict, nor lack of academic resources. I have every ingredient ready to be mixed well into a single plate, and I just need to take initiatives to get the rest of cooking finished before the ingredients go stale. 

My good Sire, just now I read Nehemiah 3-5. Hundreds of workers were using every bit of their energy to finish a grand construction project. As hard labor went on, many of them lost strengths, frustrated while looking at the mountains of rubbishes they had to take care of. While discouraged, however, these workers prayed to God, asking for strengths from You. “Thus in Judah it was said, ‘The strength of the burden bearers is failing, Yet there is much rubbish; And we ourselves are unable to rebuild the war,’” prayed the workers to You in Nehemiah 4:10. And You indeed helped them overcome their discouragement. 

Father, I want the exact same thing, which happened to those workers, to happen to my life, starting right now. I dearly want to overcome this annoying state of discouragement. I want to overcome this fear. I want to kill this state of anxiety. And I just want to be encouraged doing something pleasing to You and me.

In Your name Sean prays, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

July 21, 2022

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Erza 7-10 ; Nehemiah 1-2 — I got fired today

Father, I had an eventful yesterday. In the morning, I was near-officially offered a senior writer position at Samsung Biologics. Then in the evening, I was fired by the company I had been working for six months. Then today’s morning, I learned more detail about the amount of compensation I would get from Samsung, and was told I will be given a contract to sign tomorrow. 

Yesterday early morning, on my way to the medical check, I underlined, twice, a part of Ezra 7:23 — which reads: “Whatever is commanded by the God of heaven, let it be done with zeal for the house of the God of heaven.”

Father, I, to be honest, am more nervous than excited. I never worked in a corporate environment, nor do I have any knowledge about biomedicine. Samsung may expect some veterans-level work from me as I am being hired as a senior writer. But am I capable of bringing such level of work? I still struggle with writing. I still use an English-English dictionary to find a better, stronger verb. I haven’t fixed my periodic mumbling habit, both in Korean and in English. Oh God, I am filled with flaws. 

My God, a few moments ago, I finished the Book of Ezra and jumped into Nehemiah. I as always didn’t quite understand the contexts; however, what Nehemiah proclaimed in the last verse of Nehemiah 2 stole my attention. He proclaimed: “The God of heaven will give us success; therefore we His servants will arise and build.” 

Father, You know, You so well know of my ultimate career goal. Working at Samsung was something that was never in my career plan. In fact, working as a PR was something I used to hate doing in college, something I used to tell myself I would never do. Then here I am, about to start a job that I have never imagined myself performing. 

But I reckon this has all been pre-planned by You, the Almighty. I like to understand that You put me into this new career challenge as a mid-step for granting me something greater in future, like how Nehemiah proclaimed that You “will give us success.” Father, I hate to flatter You, but my slyest heart wants Nehemiah’s proclamation to be realized in Sean’s life, hopefully sooner. 

If there’s any way I can help You in bringing me something greater in future, please let me be a part of it, for real. 

From Sean to Him 

July 19, 2022

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Erza 4-6 — A meaningless spree of questions from Sean to You

Father, tomorrow I will ride a train to Seoul for a medical check required to a new onboarding employee from the corporation. And right now, I am feeling under the weather. This unaccounted headache and light fever has persisted in my body since Tuesday. Why Lord? Why are you making me suffer this annoying bodily ill a day before the medical check? 

Father, yesterday I didn’t read the Bible, rather voluntarily. And just minutes ago, my eyeballs finished glancing through Ezra 4-6. I as always did not understand any, and this time no underlined sentences either. Father, I also skipped church this morning. I felt too tired to wake up before 10 a.m. and hopped into a city bus to church. Father, I also procrastinated this entire weekend. My goal was to finish the analytical part in the master’s thesis, but I barely wrote any. Minor illness was my excuse for procrastination. Annoying headache was my another excuse for skipping reading the Bible.

Excuses are a sly devil. They act like roaches to my mentality. But they also provide a temporary relief to my stress. Father, I am getting more than used to welcoming that temporary relief to ease my anxiety, stress, and fear more than enough. I really need to cut that, but I am not so brave enough to discipline myself to cut the bad habit. I need a third-person support, or maybe an admonition from a sage. 

Father, I just now read the first sub-title of Erza 4 — which reads: “Adversaries Hinder the Work.” It reads like foreign armies attempted to disturb the construction of Your temple, but with Your support, the Israelites managed to deter the enemy and resume building the temple. 

My almighty Sire, is my making excuses an adversary hindering my work devoted to You? If there’s an unfinished work that I need to resume doing in Your honor, can You please help me define the unfinished work? Where and how can I find and restart the work? Is the work a hard task? Does it require lots of sweats and bloods from me? Do I need to be extra persistent and resilient to get the work finished?

Father, I think it’s meaningless for me to keep questioning over something unclear to me. Father, I don’t think it’s too much to ask You to simply, just simply define the work You want me to do .

A little favor that must be a piece of cake to You. 

From Sean to Him

July 17, 2022

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Erza 1-3 — What’s my role in Your temple?

Israelites shouted in joy once they were finished with building the foundation of a temple devoted to You. Though not delineated in Ezra 1-3,  they must have shed lots of sweats and bloods while laying the foundation of the temple. They must have all been exhausted that hardly any of them would’ve been left with any energy to give a shout to the air, at least I would’ve been if I were one of them. But for the Israelites, their physical pains were well superseded by the sense of accomplishment that they completed a task pleasing to the Lord. 

 “They sang, praising and giving thanks to the Lord, saying ‘For He is good, for His lovingkindness is upon Israel forever …… for the people shouted with a loud shout, and the sound was heard far away,” reads Ezra 3:11-13.   

Father, is a work I do every day contributes to building a foundation of an invisible temple You want me to build? Have all my times and efforts devoted to training myself to be a better writer, reporter, editor, and researcher in the past 14 years been viewed pleasing to You? Even while floundering in a sea of countless uncertainties about futures, was I nonetheless doing something pleasing to You? How about now? How did You just view my skimming through three chapters in the Bible? How are You viewing me now? 

In all candor, I am already feeling lazy at reading Your words in the Bible and writing about them. It’s been 10 days since I unilaterally restored the long-broken compromise between You and I, and I haven’t yet given You a single prayer. 

My life seems to roll OK without worshiping, without praying, without Bible studies, and without sermons. Father, I ain’t sure about Your role in my life. You must have contributed a lot, beyond the amount I can imagine, to every little success brought to my life, but I could never tell, never tell whether You indeed did contribute. 

What’s Your role in my life, and what’s my role in Your temple? 

From Sean to Him

July 15, 2022

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2 Chronicles 31-33 — The last four words in 2 Chronicles

Father, yesterday afternoon, I received a phone call from the corporation that I almost passed its hiring process. What’s left is a medical check-up. Once I pass the medical check, I will be left with a career-changing decision to make.

Father, I am both excited and concerned. Excited to welcome a new career challenge, but also concerned that I may farther myself from journalism. This morning, I sent a note to an editor at The Washington Post that I am still waiting to hear about the application submitted in April. The editor, Nicole responded back and said she and her colleagues are still wading through applications that it’ll take another several months to wrap up the hiring process. 

Father, I haven’t written back to Nicole’s correspondence; but I like to write back to her saying — “I may soon start a new job that’s not a genuine journalism role; but my ultimate goal is to work at your newspaper so please let’s keep in touch.” 

Last night, while suffering headaches and fever, I read Your words in 2 Chronicle 31-33. As always, I did not understand any context. Nevertheless, Father, I underlined a line from 2 Chronicle 33:13. It reads: “Then Manasseh knew that the Lord was God.” I don’t know who Manasseh was, what was his role in the Bible, why his name was brought up in the Scripture, his significance, or anything. But this guy named Manasseh brought me an envy as he knew You are God and God is You, whereas I am still battling against my own doubt about Your presence. 

Dear Sire, I just now finished reading the entire book of 2 Chronicle. The last few lines in the book read: “Whoever there is among you of all His people, may the Lord his God be with him, and let him go up!” I liked the last four words with an exclamation mark. 

Father, as You helped whoever chose to be among Your people to “go up!” I would also be eager to “go up” with You. 

Yes. Please. Let Sean “go up!” as well.

From Sean to Him

July 14, 2022

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2 Chronicles 25-30 — Are You with me, Sire?

Father, I am not feeling super hot. Since this mid afternoon, migraine infiltrated into my head. And at this time, I am feeling invisible steams coming off my body. I attribute this bodily pain to the piles of stress I’ve nurtured in months. Sooner or later, likely within this week, I will know whether I would move on to a next career path or be stuck at the current role. I in all candor want to move on to the new role, and I like You to think the same, Father. 

If You don’t think the same as I do and rather want me to stay at the current job, I ain’t sure whether I would pleasantly go with Your plan. But there ain’t a thing that’s under my control, is it? 

Father, yesterday I read 2 Chronicle 25-27, and just now I finished the chapter 28-30. I hardly understood the contexts as always. Nevertheless, the last few lines in the chapter 30 gripped my attention. “Then the Levitical priests arose and blessed the people; and their voice was heard and their prayer came to His holy dwelling place, to heave,” reads 2 Chronicle 30:27. 

I ain’t sure from which those priests came, and I didn’t pay any heed to understand the backgrounds behind “their prayer” that was successfully delivered into Heaven. But just that three-word phrase — “voice was heard” put my once busy eyeballs to a halt.

Father, I wrote numerous times that I will do whatever You’d tell me to do. In most instances since 2017, Your plans have gone against my desired plans. I am not so optimistic or rather not really thrilled to face what’s soon coming to my life. 

Just one small favor, Sir. Whichever career path into which You will have wanted me to take foot, Father, just let me accept the reality and help me move on.

In Your name I pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

July 12, 2022

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2 Chronicles 19-24 — Unwinnable war against You

Eleven years ago, during my first syllabus week in college, I was assigned a 1200-page long Greek mythology book that I needed to read and turned in a three-page essay about it in two weeks. Homer’s Iliad, a story about the Trojan War, was the book full of archaic English languages describing numerous war scenes of which I had given up counting the number. I wished I could skip every each page, but couldn’t as I needed to near-fully understand every context to write a solid essay for good grade. I was rather forced to close-read every page of the unnecessary fat book about the Ancient Greek war series. I needed to pay attention to every character which randomly appeared out of nowhere, underlined whatever thought-provoking message that a Greek god told his people, and glued a sticky note at almost every chapter so I could revisit it when writing the essay. 

Meticulous attention to every line was a must to understand each chapter. At least a quarter of a day must’ve been invested in decoding a series of overlapped episodes and understanding convoluted contexts. My English comprehension level at the time was yet matured that I needed to give at least a double amount of efforts in doing the assignment than my peers — who were all native English speakers and were ridiculously smarter than Sean. 

Father, in the last several days I’ve been reading a flood of war stories delineated in 2 Chronicle, and I hardly followed the storylines. Given no goodness delivered from You is promised even though I give the best effort in reading Your words and writing about them, I chose not to close-read, but rather skim sentence over sentence to get the reading and writing done in less than an hour. 

Yesterday I read 2 Chronicle 19-21. I finished reading the chapters, but didn’t know what to write as I barely grasped the context. Then I ended up not writing any, and thus ended up breaking my renewed promise that I pledged to You less than a week ago. And just now, I finished reading 2 Chronicle 22-24, another war story. The goal was to finish eyeballing from the first word in the chapter 22 to the last word in the chapter 24 as quick as possible. I finished skimming the three chapters in 15 minutes, with no underlines nor sticky notes. 

Father, I am undergoing a hard time finding myself an incentive to pay attention to Your words. Why don’t You give me a rational reason why I must scrupulously read every non-sense word in the Scripture, if You ever will? 

Yesterday, while skimming sentences in 2 Chronicle, I nonetheless underlined a couple of lines that read insightful at my first glance. “Do not fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not Yours but God’s,” reads 2 Chronicle 20:15. 

If it’s a spiritual war that I’ve for years been going through, Father, I no longer wish to be involved in this tiring, seemingly unwinnable war.

I hope You’ve heard me loud and clear. 

From Sean to Him

July 10, 2022

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2 Chronicles 16-18 — In Your name I pray, Amen

One thing I’ve found rather envious or more likely annoying while reading chapters in the Bible is that most of biblical characters going through rough times and thus praying out loud for Your magic guidance did receive some forms of answers from You, did exactly what You had told them to do, and eventually managed to fight off the struggles. 

Father, another long day at work in solitude just passed. While feeling brain-fogged after hours of writing data-driven contents on U.S. recidivism, I read another three chapters in the Bible. Another war story was depicted in 2 Chronicle 16-18. This time, the kingdom of Judah was on the blink of war. The king once hung the entire kingdom on man-made prophecies that his army would eventually win the war. But those prophecies soon turned out to be false. Not knowing what to do next, the king told his messenger to go and seek a guidance from the Lord. The messenger named Micaiah went to the Lord, and You indeed responded. 

“As the Lord lives, what my God says, that I will speak,” said Micaiah bringing the Lord’s guidance to the king in 2 Chronicle 18:13. 

Father, I have encountered at least a hundred of believers both in person and online who all said they heard Your voice through their hearts. I didn’t believe their testimonies at all, and I still don’t. But at the same time, I would be more than eager to experience what they have experienced and finally demolish a mountain of doubts I have had against You. 

One of fastest and easiest ways to hear Your voice is pray, every pastor says. Not praying every day is like skipping every meal a day, every pastry also says. 

Father, I haven’t given You a personal prayer for more than a year. And I don’t think I will break the silence tonight. Maybe tomorrow I will, or not. 

My good Sire, I can at the very least write this here: In Your name I pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

July 8, 2022

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2 Chronicles 13-15 — Father, I want to do what I love

Father I am so brain-fogged that I ain’t sure how to unfold this letter. Today was rather a hectic day. I slept past 7 a.m., got caught in a series of morning meetings with my colleagues all over the world via Zoom, was asked for two additional professional references from a corporation interested in having Sean to its team, and thus had to make multiple international phone calls to ask two of my former colleagues, one in Arizona and the other in Nevada, to write me a sugar-coated, recommendation letter. 

Then came already an early afternoon. From 2 p.m. up until now, at 11 p.m., I was a work machine, tasking out different things at once, at a rapid speed — one of my employer’s mottos. 

Father, here is the thing. I don’t enjoy doing what I have been doing every day in the past six months. Since early May, I lost nearly all motivations of doing what I am paid to do, every day. Traveling all around the places, scouting for underreported social or political stigmas, talking to marginalized folks and granting them a chance to speak up via my stories, and brining helpful, compelling, and unparalleled information tp those information poor are the things to which I have long wanted to commit my life. But my ideal hasn’t come into reality yet. 

In the next few weeks, I may get to steer my career wheel into a whole another direction. The potential new employment isn’t also a genuine journalism role. Will I enjoy doing the new role if I ever get hired? I may bring twice as much monthly income into the bank account. But would I be spiritually happy doing another quasi-journalism role? I ain’t sure Father. 

I was sermoned more than a million times that I don’t get to landscape my short life on earth but You do. Whatever choice I’ve made and will have made is not done by me, but You, according to a slew of pastors I have encountered in the past 30 years. 

Do pray when in doubt and do pray when in distress are a summary of 2 Chronicle 14. When Asa, the king of Judah, was facing a flood of foreign invasions, while in an utmost distress and fear, he pleaded You for help. “‘Lord there is no one besides You to help in the battle between the powerful and those who have no strength; so help us, O Lord our God, for we trust in You, and in Your name have come against this multitude, O Lord,’” prayed Asa to You in 2 Chronicle 14:11. 

Father, I have long been in a distress and a doubt about my future. All I hope to do is not to become a billionaire but just to do what I love doing every day, whether it’s journalism or whatever. 

Paint me something promising, if You will. Throw at me something tangible, if You’d be so kind. 

From Sean to Him

July 7, 2022

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2 Chronicle 10-12 — Your unspoken orders, should I follow?

Father, I slept past my iPhone’s ear-tickling alarm. I meant to read Your words and write You this before I started my day at work. I could have done it as I had about an hour between my morning shower and clocking in at work. But I was reluctant to jamming my morning with an extra reading and writing, and thus once again procrastinated carrying on my renewed promise to You up until now, at 9:20 p.m. 

For some unaccounted reasons, I felt egregiously sluggish this morning. I walked around the living room like a zombie, didn’t really want to jump into another work day at all. Maybe my unexpected, morning sluggishness could grant me an excuse of why I dragged writing You another blunt letter hours after the sundown. 

This past Monday, I pledged to myself that I would wake up before 5:30 a.m. and unfold my every morning with a letter from me to You. Today marks the second day after the pledge, and I am already falling well short of the pledge. 

Maybe I am not so determined than I hope I’d be. Or maybe I am inherently a lazy man. Or more likely from my deepest heart, I am trying every way to defy the Scripture, Your seemingly empty promises, and even Your presence itself. 

Father, I nevertheless managed to finish reading 2 Chronicle 10-12. And I learned an episode of You striking down on arrogant Rehoboam, the son of Solomon, and his people and pushing them to humble before You. “When the kingdom of Rehoboam was established and strong, he and all Israel with him forsook the law of the Lord. And it came about King Rehoboam’s fifth year, because they had been unfaithful to the Lord, that the king of Egypt came up against Jerusalem,” reads 2 Chronicle 12:1-2. Once peaceful and flourishing Jerusalem was unexpectedly met by the outside aggression. Rehoboam and his people were shaken in fear. And they ended up kneeling before You, calling for mercy and forgiveness. “The princes of Israel and the king humbled themselves and said, ’The Lord is righteous,’” reads 2 Chronicle 12:6.  

Father, in my brain I know I need to stay humble before You. But in my heart I am very much reluctant to following Your unspoken, unenumerated orders. 

So. Father. What must I do to blow some warmth into my cold-hearted mind? Will You ever, ever teach me know how? 

From Sean to Him 

July 6, 2022 

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2 Chronicle 7-9 — Father, long time no write You

Nearly a year has passed since the last time I read Your words, speculated on them, and wrote You a candid letter. The last time I wrote You this dates back to July 11, 2021. Since then, I didn’t give a damn about reading the Bible. Prayer? Oh hell no. I wouldn’t want to waste my precious three to five minutes of time talking to the one untouchable, invisible, and unhearable, but would spend these few minutes watching a YouTube video to ameliorate my stressed brain. 

From July 2020 to July 2021, for about a year, every day, I began reading Your words and writing You a devotional letter every day. Father, I have to admit that I started it with a wicked goal in mind. I merely hoped, or rather delusionally thought that You would gift something extraordinary good to my life had I continued to mocking You with my fake act of faith. In all candor, I was disappointed in You. Pastors sermoned me a numerous times that prayer is one of finest ways to get what I dearly want or achieve, while citing vacantly promising words from Matthew 7:7 — which reads: “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” Thus I religiously did what You told me to do for good, every day, for nearly a year. But no goodness was brought to my life, and I grew dubious of Your words more than ever. 

Thus I quit. I relinquished the promise I pledged to You and never gave a glimpse at the Bible. 

But here I am standing before You with the old-ragged American Standard Bible sitting right under my chin. 

Father, during the last 365 days I ventured to keep the farthest distance from You, I had quite a few life advancements. I started a quasi-journalism role at a U.S.-based media agency. And in March, I worked as a temporary foreign correspondent for the largest newspaper in Australia. And nowadays, multiple corporations reached out to me for global communications roles. No matter how rebellious I have been to You, my life nonetheless rolls, oftentimes in an unexpected direction. 

Father, I ain’t sure why I was motivated to re-start reading Your words today, on July 5, 2021. My heart is still ice-cold. An hour-long Sunday worship service is my nap time. And  I still keep several million reasons why I shouldn’t unconditionally believe in Your words. 

Second Chronicle 7-9 was what I read this morning. After having finished reading the chapters, I planned on writing You my immediate response to the chapters. But I wasn’t sure what to write, dithered through until the sunset, here trying to write You something blunt at 8:45 p.m. 

Your Father, God told Solomon and his people in 2 Chronicle 7 that anyone who “humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways” will get their prayers responded from Heaven.  

I didn’t pray this morning, nor afternoon, nor this evening so far. And I don’t think I am in a right mindset to send You any prayer today. But I still managed to read the Words of Yours and still managed to send You this blunt letter for the first time in nearly a year. 

Father, have I at least done something pleasing to You today? 

Let me know, if You ever will. 

From Sean to Him 

July 5, 2022 

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2 Chronicles 4-6 — No free pass to Your path

Deep in my heart I like to have even one small soul that always looks up to You. When goes deeper in the heart, there I like to have a choir that uplifts Your name through harmonious gospels every day. Then deepest in my heart, Father, I like to have a never-to-waver faith in You. 

“‘Because it was in your heart to build a house for My name, you did well that it was in your heart,’” Solomon said of his father, David’s prayer to You in 2 Chronicles 6:8. 

Building an entire house from the dust is a more than arduous labor. It may require tons of sweats, muscle strains, burned skins, and many other physical pains. Unwavering persistence, and deeply rooted sense of determination that this thing got to be done not for my own good for the one worthy of every praise must be set in stone to do such arduous construction. David built a new house dedicated to You, and so did his son, Solomon, both through years of hard labors, without a single complaint, but with full of joys. 

Father, I was listening to an online sermon by Pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation Worship. Referring to a family of verses in Philippians 1, the pastor said something like — God will choose to not take control of things that you can control; He will not make you to be up by 7 in the morning, it is your choice to be up by that time; and He will not take control of things that you hope to have someone to magically make you be able to take control without an effort. 

No free pass to Your path. No free pass to knowing Your will. No free pass to understanding what You want Sean to do today and tomorrow. Efforts are required. Self control is a must. Lack of will is a pathetic excuse.  

Hear me, Sire? 

From Sean to Him

July 11, 2021 

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2 Chronicles 1-3 — My long-broken promise to You

“Now, O Lord God, Your promise to my father David is fulfilled…… give me now wisdom and knowledge, that I may go out and come in before this people, for who can rule this great people of Yours,” prayed Solomon to God in 2 Chronicles 1:9-10. 

Father, I literally can’t recall the last time I prayed out to You in genuine sincerity. Since late May, when have I ever worshiped You as genuinely like David? Since late May, when have I ever prayed out to You as candidly like Solomon? Father, just few minutes ago I ended my belated July 9 devotions by writing “My goodness.” In a normal circumstance, I would either ask You a personal question or write You a short prayer before sending. 

The above paragraphs, Father, were written almost a week ago. Father, I’ve quite pitifully gotten used to spending every day without keeping the promise I made first to myself then to You in last year July. Since July 9, no devotions was written. After July 10, my old-ragged American Standard Bible was barely touched; it’s rather been left alone inside the blue Samsonite backpack. I once felt solemnly determined that I tended to defy the sleep devil until I finished writing You a devotions before ending each day. But that solemn determination that once resided inside me seems to have long left. I need to bring it back to my inside. 

Father, like how Solomon prayed in 2 Chronicles 1:9-10, though I am surely not in a position that I could pray as earnest like him, Father, I would like to believe Your promise to me is real, that the only duty left to the rest of my life is to identify the promise, believe in it, and execute it day by day. 

From Sean to Him 

July 10, 2021

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1 Chronicles 27-29 — Father, I’ve grown more accustomed to living each day without reading Your words

The last time I wrote a devotions dates back to July 8. On that day I was writing five devotions in a row in one night. Brain-burned and cognitively worn out, after I wrote the fifth one, I promised myself that I would not hold back on writing devotions not even a day. That promise was apparently weighed lighter than a feather as I didn’t give a damn about the promise until tonight, July the 19th. 

This July 9th devotions was based on 1 Chronicles 27-29. Oh hell I remember none about the chapters. Pity on me that I didn’t even underline any line, making me even more abuzz on what to write. About a week ago, feeling determined that I would catch up writing four-or five-days worth of devotions in, once again, one night, I read through 2 Chronicles chapter 12, then fell straight to bed.

Father, I wrote the above two paragraphs two days ago. As more consecutive days without writing devotions have passed, I’ve gotten more accustomed to living each day absence of Your words, Biblical reflections, and prayers. Father, I used to be merciless to myself when it comes to writing You a reflection every day no matter. 

Today is July 21. I have more than a dozen of devotions I need to catch up to get back on track. 

My goodness.

From Sean to Him

July 9, 2021. 

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1 Chronicles 24-26 — A prayer

Father, the pandemic situation here has hit the worst degree. The government faces a dire dilemma on whether they should raise the social-distancing measure to the highest degree to slow down the virus spread or should they remain careful in raising the restriction bar for the sake of economy. Us Koreans have grown weary of the pandemic. The state of economy is in a steady decline: Bricks-and mortar stores are forced to close; workers protest for their pathetic working condition and small wages; and thousands of educated young adults remain jobless in one of world’s most competitive job markets. Inside ordinary Korean families, fathers worry about being unexpectedly laid off; mothers worry about their kids not getting timely education at school; and kids worry about being once again locked in their home for online schooling. 

The health of this country has never been this worse in a decade. Father, please help this country and the world stay resilient to fight off the pandemic; please help those in a serious medical condition stay far away from contracting the corona virus; please help those who suffer pandemic-related depression soon find a light to their promising lives with Your help; and really, please help whoever needs help find a help they’ve long needed.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him 

July 8, 2021 

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1 Chronicles 21-23 — Like, but unlike David

David committed sins. He wronged You. The man on whom You had outpoured the blesses, unlike Sean, was nimble enough and humble enough to recognize the sins committed and ask You for forgiveness through earnest prayer. “‘I am in great distress; please let me fall into the hand of the Lord, for His mercies are very great. But do not let me fall into the hand of man,’” said David to Gad — who delivered God’s messages to David — in 1 Chronicles 21:13. 

Like David, probably far worse than what David had sinned, I have committed sins, wronged You, and made You unhappy by my selfish and thoughtless deeds. But, unlike David, I haven’t been nimble nor have I been humble enough to quickly identify the sins committed and ask You for forgiveness through OK prayer. 

Father, what have I sinned in the past months? How much have I wronged You in the past several weeks? How bad have I been viewed to You? Father, if I must pray for one thing tonight, other than the one I say I would pray throughout this week, I pray You to help me no longer be resistant to asking You for mercies and forgiveness, just like the great David always did to You. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

July 7, 2021

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1 Chronicles 18-20 — ‘This is eternal life’

“This is eternal life” is the title of the song my church’s worship band often sings to the church. Father, I am listening to this song as I am writing the fourth, belated devotion to You. “A life that I walk along with Jesus,” the song says. “This is eternal life that I always dwell inside His home.” 

Father, this song once made me burst in tears. Several months ago, on a Friday night inside Your chamber when I was first being introduced to this song by the worship band, I remember I was violently waving both of my arms with the right hand firmly gripping  my American Standard Bible as I was singing the song, crying and shouting. I cannot explain to You why this song once made me burst in tears, cry, and shout. Maybe some of its lyrics forced me to cry as they just sounded too comforting and reassuring. Or maybe, I was just more devout towards You at the time. 

Father, just like this song says, Father, “a life that I walk along with Jesus” is what I hope I would re-start pursuing, ideally starting right now. Father, the reading portion for July the sixth was from 1 Chronicles 18 to 20. In chapter 18, You helped David strengthen his kingdom. And, in chapter 19, You led Ammon and Aram, David’s adversaries, get defeated.

Father, I believe Your presence has always fenced around my life. I may have not yet felt Your influences over my life, but surely Your influences have been well over my life — I like to believe. 

From Sean to Him

July 6, 2021

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1 Chronicles 15-17 — Finding courage to pray before You

After having received Your covenant, David prayed to You in the third person. “What more can David still say to You concerning the honor bestowed on Your servant?” prayed David to You in the third person in 1 Chronicles 17:18. 

Just like what David did, I also did write devotions in the third person a number of times in the past. Whenever I put myself into a sentence, that sentence was for most times meant to read more earnest to You. Whenever I put myself into a sentence, I become emotional for some unaccounted reasons. David and I, we both prayed and wrote to You in the third person. One similarity between he and I. But there was one contrasting difference between us: while David had courage to pray before You, I do not. 

“Therefore, Your servant has found courage to pray before You,” prayed David to You in 1 Chronicles 17:25. 

Courage. Father, do I lack courage to pray before You? Last Friday inside Your chamber, from around 10:15 to 11 p.m., while everyone else around me was praying in sincerity, I was just merely sitting on the chair doing nothing but listening to a resonating sound of lyricless gospel. 

Courage is what I need, Father. Courage that would compel me to come before You and pray. Courage that would no longer make me hesitant to kneeling at Your alter. 

This coming Friday, when I once again step into Your alter, and when the worship band starts setting up a perfect environment for praying, Father, please instill me with courage to come before You — and pray. 

From Sean to Him

July 5, 2021

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1 Chronicles 12-14 — Direction to which I will race with confidence

Father, with even more uncertainties surrounding my life at this time, I need You to point out a direction to which I will race with confidence. Like You did to David in 1 Chronicles 14 — when the Philistines attempted to raid David’s kingdom, David asked You for a direction he needed to go to deter the enemy, and You willingly went before him, I need You to do the same to me. “‘You shall not go up after them; circle around behind them and come at them in front of the balsam trees. It shall be when you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the balsam trees, then you shall go out to battle, for God will have gone out before you to strike the army of the Philistines,’” responded You of David’s imminent inquiry in 1 Chronicles 14:13-15. 

Father, I am feeling overwhelmingly calm and relaxed. I don’t intend this letter to be written with any fanciness or fluffiness. Not sure why, but I am relaxed. But this relaxed feeling wouldn’t last that long. This pleasurable feeling would soon fade away as I start thinking about my pending work and future career. Father, where should my life be heading to? To where should my life be invested in? Have I been too passive that I’ve been trying to do everything all by myself, without reaching out to my friends and mentors for help? Have I been too arrogant that I’ve thought I could make my career shine again on my own, without anyone’s help?  Or have I just given up on my passion, dream? 

Father, a direction is what I need from You. Just like what You did to David in 1 Chronicles 14. Please do the same to me, Your troubled son.  

From Sean to Him

July 4, 2021

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1 Chronicles 9-11 — Prayer for the week

“So Saul died for his trespass which he committed against the Lord, because of the word of the Lord which he did not keep; and also because he asked couple of a medium, making inquiry of it, and did not inquire of the Lord,” reads 1 Chronicles 10:13. 

Father, five days have passed since I underlined 1 Chronicles 10:13. At the time I thought I was inspired by the verse and thus was ready to recklessly write a philosophical reflection on it. Not sure how late it was, but, I dimly remember I felt tired and wanting to go to bed; and thus excused myself of putting writing the July 3 reflection off until the next day. 

My good Sire, it is 10:22 p.m., July the seventh. In the past five days I didn’t read nor did I write You any. In between the five days of my dormancy from writing You “any,” I suffered a minor headache. The headache was disturbingly irksome, almost a pestilence over my daily life, causing me to get even lazier than I had been, and making me feel OKer for not doing anything productive by the end of the day. 

Father, I want to get back into the routine. Father, I hope, and pray my words here become the prayer of my week, and I will continue to pray for this throughout this week. 

From Sean to Him

July 3, 2021

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1 Chronicles 6-8 — With enough resources and times, let me serve Your will

Father, remember how I behaved in Your chamber last night? Just a couple of minutes till the start of July 2nd’s worship night, while people sitting around me were preparing to worship You through silent prayer, I, with my American Standard Bible on the laps, was merely sitting still, doing nothing but staring at the worship band singing an introductory gospel. 

Last night’s sermon was based on 2 Kings 4:8-17. The verse 10 was of the highlight of the sermon. “Please, let us make a little walled upper chamber and let us set a bed for him there, and a table and a chair and a lame-stand; and it shall be, when he comes to us, that he can turn in there,” said the “prominent” woman to Elisha, politely inviting him to stay a night at her place. 

Elisha was God’s appointed. He needed to be treated well for he was doing work on His behalf, to spread gospels, and to ultimately save lives with the spiritual gift given from Him. The woman knew of all these, and though her place may have not been glossy enough to invite a noble guest, she utilized every resource she could find at best to prepare the most comfortable room for Elisha to rest. 

Father, I don’t think my resources are depleted. I believe I have tools I could employ to make You happy. I believe I have times I can use to train myself to be a better Christian. Some of tools are already here with me — my old Bible to read, lips to praise Your name, hands to write You heartfelt letters, legs to walk to Your chamber, and heart to invite You to my midst every day. Times? Oh, I beehive I have a plenty of times to study and write about Your words; worship; and pray. 

But, my good Sire. The real matter is — though I know, so well know I have enough resources and times, my heart hasn’t been moved to use all these resources and times to serve You. 

About a month and a half ago my heart’s temperature hit its lowest level since 2020. I like to believe the temperature has begun to gradually rise again.

If it’s been rising, if it really is, then Father, please let me be eager to use all these resources and times that You’ve long provided me — to solely serve Your will. 

From Sean to Him

July 2, 2021

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1 Chronicles 3-5 — I wish not to be left untended

“They cried out to God in the battle, and He answered their prayers because they trusted in Him,” reads 1 Chronicles 5:20. 

Father, I’ve read a similar verse like 1 Chronicles 5:20 more than a hundred times in the past year. People knelt and wholeheartedly asked You for mercy, and You answered their prayers for theirs were done in sincerity. 

Father, I just got into a metro en route to church. It’s 4:10 p.m. The worship night begins in about five hours. What could I do to get myself spiritually prepared to invite You to my midst. From the previous devotions I confessed that I was rather pretending to inviting You to my midst when cramming to write a bulk of devotions at home. My soul was barely geared to You at home. Though the home surroundings were relatively quiet, in between writing devotions, I oftentimes looked at something else — which were mostly popped-up news alerts.

Father, I am listening to a contemporary Christian album titled “You Make Me Brave” by Bethel Music. Of the 15 songs in the album, the song “Shepherd” is drumming its empowering lyrics into my ears. “You will lift my heard above the mighty waves; You are able to keep me from stumbling and in my weakness, You are the strength that comes from within; Good Shepherd of my soul, take my hand and lead me on,” the song chants. 

A good shepherd would never let a single sheep go astray from its flock. Sire, I’ve been sermoned numerous times that You are the one and only shepherd of us and I am one of the trillions of sheep. Father, I wish not to be left untended and go astray from You. As the song indicates, I like to believe You will keep me from stumbling; and believe Your influence over my life will surely off set my weakness.

From Sean to Him

July 1, 2021

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2 Kings 25 ; 1 Chronicles 1-2 — Father, am I spiritually blind, really?

Jerusalem, the capital of Your appointed land, was burned and plundered. The city where You once poured out blesses was doomed by Your anger. After Solomon died, subsequent kings of Israel wronged and thus agitated You, making You do what You probably didn’t plan on doing — putting curse on the people You loved.  

Those involved in years-long fight in Israel likely knew of Your presence, and influence over their lives. Though they knew, they became blind by their own greed, ambition. With power given from Him, they felt as if nothing could place woes on them for they were given the power from the Almighty. Though not explained in the Scripture, for God was within their sight at the time, they must have known what God wanted them to do, and what they should’ve done with the power given from God — even though by doing so according to His will wouldn’t necessarily sate their personal greeds.

Father, have I also become blind by my own greed and ambition? Have I lost a spiritual sense that once enabled me to feel Your presence and influence over my life? From last Monday up until yesterday, my body felt disturbingly restless. I could barely control my body. The restlessness that was well over my body agitated me. I was angry at myself for I couldn’t put the desired amount of focus on my work. 

Father, am I really blind? If so, what could I do to bring back my spiritual sense? What could be done to resuscitate my currently near-dead spirituality?

Would I be able to find the answer to these questions tonight, at church, with the help of Your grace and spiritual whispering?  

From Sean to Him

June 30, 2021

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2 Kings 22-24 — Writing void of pompous thoughts

Father, it’s indeed a pity that I am getting more accustomed to postponing daily devotions. Once again, I am about to write You four devotions, including today’s, in one day. On the night of June 28th, I sent You a bulk of five devotions, each almost identically discussing my regret of not being regular on a daily devotions practice. I don’t want to discuss the same regret once again in the next four devotions I will soon send to You.

Then what else, other than speculating on regrets, could I write to You? Writing void of pompous thoughts was an intended drive engine for this devotional series. However, in recent weeks and maybe even months, I’ve been deliberately imbruing my supposedly childlike letters to You with such pompous thoughts. 

I needed to read 2 Kings 22-24 by the end of June 29th; 2 Kings 25 and 1 Chronicles 1-2 by June 30th; 1 Chronicles 3-5 by July 1; and 1 Chronicles 6-8 by end of today, July the 2nd. The reading portion was meant to be done on a daily basis; but in the past several weeks, I deliberately chose to break my 11-month-old reading routine. I didn’t read a single word in the Bible on the 29th and 30th, and ended up once again cramming the three-day’s worth of readings last night by skimming the nine chapters in less than an hour. The majority of the nine chapters, fortunately, was filled with mundane genealogies — thus skimming was rather preferred. But that absolutely not justified my lazy attitude. 

Not even a word was underlined in 2 Kings 22-24. There must’ve been at least a couple of valuable lessons I’ve missed by skimming the chapters. 

Father, today is Friday. By 9 p.m. I will enter Your chamber, like I did a week ago, and start worshiping You. I’ve been in a fake mode when trying to invite You to my midst at home, I admit. But at least when I am in Your chamber, I don’t, really don’t want to be in such mode. 

I really don’t.

From Sean to Him

June 29, 2021 

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2 Kings 19-21 — Hezekiah’s convincing prayer

Father, I once again did not close read Your words. This late morning, while still half asleep, I rather skimmed through 2 Kings 16 to 24. My goal was not to find spiritual lessons that can only be excavated by close-reading but to just finish reading the nine chapters as quick as possible and thus make myself feel as if I’ve done my duty to You. 

While rigorously skimming, I came across Hezekiah’s prayer to You. Because I had not been close-reading at all, I didn’t know who Hezekiah was, whether this person was man or woman, whether this person was one of many kings discussed in the Kings or a mere servant, and whether this person did good or poor thing to You. 

But, earlier in Hezekiah’s prayer paused my eyes. “You are the God, You alone, of all the kingdoms of the earth. You have made heaven and earth,” prayed Hezekiah in 2 Kings 19:15. 

I ain’t sure why I stopped at 2 Kings 19:15. Maybe Hezekiah was convincingly delivering a type of prayer that I’ve long wanted to do for years but haven’t not been able to do so convincingly. Or maybe I was merely amused by his resolute word choices in prayer. 

Father, why can’t I so convincingly deliver a Hezekiah’s version of prayer? 

From Sean to Him 

June 28, 2021

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2 Kings 16-18 — Ability to execute what I think is right thing to do in Your sight

Father, my eyes were barely half-opened. I was very tempted to go to anywhere I can lie on a foamy mattress and be passed out until mid afternoon. Last night before going to bed I wrote You I would dedicate the morning of June 29th to You first by appreciating Your words, and then by writing You three whole-hearted devotions in a row. I sat at a cafe table fifteen minutes till 9 a.m., and immediately placed my good ole’ American Standard Bible right under my chin trying to signal myself it’s time to dedicate this morning to Him. But with the unwelcome help of wireless earbuds delivering a mix of soothing contemporary gospels, almost lullabies, to my ears, I fell right to sleep, for nearly 90 minutes. 

It was already past 10:30 a.m., when I woke up from an unscheduled nap in the public place. The never-even-sipped, once hot Americano became lukewarm and bitter-er; microwaved nearly two hours ago, the egg tart was no longer crispy but unpleasantly skooshy; and my lone Bible had been mercilessly elbow-pressed and coated with salivas by its thoughtless owner of 12 years for nearly two hours. 

Father, I really don’t want to, but I can’t stop myself from thinking that — ‘Oh, by this time I should’ve been doing work other than writing devotions; oh, why am I spending this precious afternoon doing things totally not related to my professional work?’ 

Your words first before anything else, a cliche I’ve learned over a course of my nearly one-year stint as devotions writer. Without His support and guidance, I am powerless, a self-created cliche I’ve often used in my devotions to paint myself as devout Christian. And. Always listen to Him, or else I am doomed, a rather scary warning from Him that’ve appeared almost every other chapter I read in the Bible since July. 

“However they did not listen, but stiffened their neck like their fathers, who did not believe in the Lord their God,” explained why Israel pathetically fell in 2 Kings 17:14. 

Father, two more devotions I will write to You before I start doing anything else. Your words first, I know. Your support and guidance are priceless, oh I know. And, Your commands are must-be-faithfully-kept, oh please know I so well know of this.

But, the real matter is — whether I am equipped with an ability to execute what I think is right thing to do in Your sight in real life. I failed to execute it this morning, from 8:45 to 10:30 a.m. But, today isn’t gone yet. It’s only 1:10 p.m.

Let’s do this.

From Sean to Him

June 27, 2021

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2 Kings 13-15 — Calm, and relaxed

A series of successions to the Israeli throne was recorded in 2 Kings 14-15. To count them all was too strenuous; but I was at least able to find one similarity among all the successions described in the two chapters: God made sure to gift those who did the right thing in His sight, but also made sure to punish those who chose to wrong Him. 

Father, I was hoping I could finish writing all five belated devotions by tonight. But, boy, it’s already 11:23 p.m., and I need to go to bed soon so I can get up by before 5:30 a.m. the next morning. My understanding Sire, tonight, I read nine chapters in the Bible, and have almost written three devotions to You. In the past two and a half hours, I felt calm, relaxed, and focused while reading Your words and writing to You. Not to exaggerate, but it’s been at least several weeks since the last time I felt calm and relaxed while writing You devotions. 

There are still two should-have-been-already-written-but-not devotions in queue. Father, tomorrow morning when I arrive at my satellite office around 8:45ish a.m., with a cup of hot Americano, I hope to have another calm and relaxed time with You and the Bible, and write You the two belated devotions plus the one set for June 29th.

I will see You soon, Sire.

From Sean to Him

June 26, 2021

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2 Kings 10-12 — You are the only one worthy of praise and worship

Father, I don’t know who Jehu exactly was, nor his title, nor his faith level, nor why he was even discussed in 2 Kings. But to the very least I know the man Jehu did one thing right in Your sight — eradicate all other gods in surroundings to solely worship You. Jehu was never hesitant to slaying whoever had committed idolatry. Firm in his command to eradicate them all, his decisive action pleased You. 

“The one who permits any of the men whom I bring into your hands to escape shall give up his life in exchange,” ordered Jehu to his men to kill the idolators in 2 Kings 10:24. “Go in, kill them; let none come out.” 

Later on, Jehu unfortunately wronged You, meaning he was also a man with many faults, just like me. Jehu, though he committed sins later in life, at least knew whom he could only worship — God.

Father, there are many other gods surrounding my life. I unfortunately have not been able to identify them all; even worse, I can’t even think of one idol I may have unconsciously been worshiping in recent days and weeks. 

My understanding Sire, I know my level of spiritual might that it is nowhere equivalent of Jehu’s. While I may not be able to decisively act to expel every single idol out of my sight, at the very least, Father, I hope I could at least be guarded with an ability to decisively discern that You are the only one worthy of praise and worship. 

That’s all.

From Sean to Him

June 25, 2021

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2 Kings 7-9 — ‘Is it well’

Frankly speaking, I’ve long lost track of the flow and context of the Old Testament, likely since I began to read 1 Kings. A lightweight reason of my loss of the track may be attributed to the preponderance of random names that seemingly start to flood in in the Kings. After a series of introductions of random names comes lots of Hes and Shes and Theys. How on earth did the authors of the Kings expect the readers (including Sean) to read and understand the text sizable portion of which is dubbed with names? 

Father, so far was my absurd attempt first to rationalize my recently plummeted interest in reading the Bible, then to cover up my four-day break from writing You devotions, from June 24 to  27. Just now I finished reading 2 Kings 7-9. After this I will need to read twelve more chapters in 2 Kings to make up my absences. 

It’d be nice had I been able to take enough time to read the Kings from the beginning. But as You know, just less than a week ago I was cramming up writing one week’s worth of devotions in three hours. It isn’t as much as the last week’s; but right now I am trying to cram up, this time, five-day’s worth of devotions in, once again, several hours. Because I have to do several devotions all at once, it wouldn’t be easy for me to close-read each every word in the Bible. I wasn’t close-reading at all last week when doing the cram. To the Bible, whose words of wisdom and knowledge are never fathomable 100 percent even to veteran Bible scholars, I’ve been treating it as if it’s a comic book. 

Totally unrelated to the context of 2 Kings, nevertheless, if I may, my good Sire, I did underline a three-word sentence that was quoted repeatedly in 2 Kings 7-9. “Is it well?” Is the underlined. 

Father, am I well? 

From Sean to Him

June 24, 2021

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2 Kings 4-6 — Do I need a solid reason to love You?

At 6:15ish a.m., still half-asleep, I opened up the laptop to attend an early morning worship service via YouTube. I had already missed the worship and a special stage after, thanks to the sleep devil. Seconds after I entered the online service, a Bible verse daubed with the word “love” was being recited. “Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love,” recited the pastor of John 15:9. “We all want to believe in Him really well, and want to live by His words; but doing so is darn hard,” said he immediately after the recital. 

About a week ago, a good friend of mine asked me — “Sean, do you love Jesus?” I wanted to, really wanted to say — “Heck yea!” But I couldn’t for an unaccounted reason and rather mumbled and answered — “I don’t think so.” Then I believe it was during the last week’s Friday worship night when Pastor Song of Samil Church asked the entire congregation whether we loved Jesus. The people around me said yes in unison; but I chose to exercise an absurd right to stay mute. I remained standing upright for the entire 50 minutes of prayer last Friday. My head was down, eyes closed, hands hard-squeezing the American Standard Bible, very focused; but I didn’t say a word until the light was back on at 11:05 p.m.

Father, I’ve claimed myself a Christian for 26 plus years. I’ve been through numerous Sunday schools, sermons, worship camps, and small group Bible studies. Just several months ago I cried and yelled while praying in English in Your chamber on a Friday night. Since July I’ve been faithfully reading Your words every day, and writing about them, also, every day. This letter is a continuation of my 11-month stretch of writing You devotions. 

Father, it’s now 10:23 p.m.. Sitting upright on the hospital bed, Father, I hope, and pray this letter is being written in my all sincerity and earnest. If I may be daring, I also hope, and pray this letter could be a game changer for my yet trembling faith life. “If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love …… so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full,” You said of these empowering words to me this morning through John 15:10-11. 

I have known, but not completely acknowledged, of Your presence dwelling in my life so long. What’s worse is… Father, I may have even taken You my God for granted for too long that no matter how foolish I act, I’ve merely thought my life would nonetheless be well protected and shine bright simply because I go to church, worship You every Sunday (and recently Friday as well), read Your words from time to time (and recently every day), and do sometimes get emotional while praying, supposedly thinking of You. 

My understanding Sire, I know, so well know that I’ve been overwhelmingly insincere in my act of worship. I want to invite You to my midst. I want to wholeheartedly worship You whenever given a chance. I want to acknowledge You as my one and only Savior, mentor, and lifelong friend. Father, I really want to fortify our yet-shaky friendship, making it formidable fortress. And most importantly, I want to love You like most Christians do, with all my heart, in real sincerity. 

An hour ago, I finished reading 2 Kings 4-6. At the first glance, I couldn’t find a single quotable line in the chapter. After the second reading, I underlined the last line of 2 Kings 6. “Why should I wait for the Lord any longer” was the underlined. 

Father, please pardon me though what I am about to write You is completely misled and out of context. But, Sire, my good Sire, why on earth have I been trying every mean to not invite You into my midst? What sort of sly devil has gotten inside me? Father, I think I am done waiting. Really done waiting. Let’s walk, together, as one team. 

From Sean to Him

June 23, 2021  

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2 Kings 1-3 — Elisha’s Rule of Thumb

Father, yesterday I opened up the first chapter of 2 Kings, and read two more chapter. I didn’t underline any, but was somehow touched as reading about Elijah’s transfer of “spiritual” power to Elisha in chapter two. The rule of thumb for Elijah was pray before act. While young, he never ceased to pray; while old, he never ceased; and while waiting for death, he kept on praying. His tirelessness in praying was successfully transferred to Elisha. 

Father, this morning I woke up around 6:15 a.m., opened up YouTube, and listened to a sermon based on John 15 — whose title is: “Jesus is the Vine; followers are branches.” I was told faith isn’t a matter of trying to understand the Bible, but believing it no matter what. Believing in a religious book full of unscientific events and too-ideological lessons is darn hard, really hard, said the pastor — who admitted he also once had trouble feeling His love inside. 

Father, this morning I took quite a note as listening to the sermon. Taking note during church service was once a usual scene of mine; but it hasn’t been in recent weeks. This morning, I did take a note, pretty in detail — for every word the pastor spoke rang my conscience. 

I think I am now ready to write You a heartfelt letter first time in more than a month. Please receive this and the one I will soon write to You, read both of the letters, and if You will, respond.

See You soon.

From Sean to Him 

June 22, 2021

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1 King 20-22 — Writing You a note on a hospital bed

Father, once I send this letter to You, though I cannot physically kneel before You due to my troubled knee, I want to spiritually kneel before You and pray. I like to believe my continuing to write You devotions every day for more than 11 months would not be possible had You not empowered me to do so laboriously. In the past six days I didn’t write You a word. But tonight, while half-lying on the hospital bed, You’ve empowered me to write You six belated devotions in one single night. 

Father, with You I have read all the way to 1 Kings. Page 303 is now marked in my old American Standard Bible. Because You’ve empowered me, I’ve been able to laboriously read Your words, every day. Now fewer than 500 pages are left until I finish reading the Old Testament. And after that I will have to start reading from the Book of Matthew all the to the Book of Ephesian to claim — “I indeed read the entire Bible.” My journey isn’t even half way done. More than a year is still left until the end of this journey. But I am positive that I will sail to the end of this voyage for I know You will continue to empower me and make sure I don’t grow weary in the middle. 

Father, it’s 3:28 a.m. In about 10 minutes, I will turn the ceiling light off, close my eyes, and be in a silent prayer — with You. Please hear my words, pleas, cries, and even yells. If I have to cry, then let me do so in complete silence. If I feel like I have to yell, then please let me also do so in complete silence. Real communication between You and I. Real man-to-man conversation. Just You and I. 

OK, I am ready. Are You? 

From Sean to Him 

June 21, 2021 

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1 King 17-19 — Seeking You amidst a great distress

“I have been very zealous for the Lord, the God of hosts; for the sons of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars and killed Your prophets with the sword. And I alone am left; and they seek my life, to take it away,” cried Elijah to the Lord in 1 Kings 19:14. 

Father, above is the verse I was introduced last Monday early morning at church. At the time I was sermoned about why prayer must be made in a secluded place in which no one but He can watch me. Father, it is 3:10 a.m., June the 22nd. My butt is on the hospital back, with the back comfortably leaning against the concrete wall. Two curtains are making sure no one could watch me typing up belated devotions. Maybe this is the perfect time for me to pray to You in a near-completely secluded place.

Father, there is one more devotions I must write and send it to You before going to bed. And before going to bed, I want to bring You a prayer and thus have a real personal time with You. So please wait for another 20 to 30 minutes or so. 

Like how Elijah sought You amidst a great distress, Father, though my faith still trembles, let me pray 0.01 percent like Elijah tonight before going to bed. 

OK. One more devotions, and I will come to You. Please be patient. 

From Sean to Him

June 20, 2021  

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1 King 14-16 — Self-created idols

Ahab, one of kings of Israel recorded in the Bible, was reported to have committed the most “evil in the sight of the Lord” among all his predecessors — idolatry. “So he erected an alter for Baal in the house of Baal which he built in Samaria. Ahaz also made the Asherah. Thus Ahab did more to provoke the Lord God of Israel than all the kings of Israel who were before him,” reads 1 Kings 16:32-33. 

Father, what are the idols that I have unconsciously self-created and been worshiping? How can I identify each of them and destroy one by one? You know I have little intention to worship other gods. You know I abhor idolatry. It’s now 2:40 a.m., June the 22nd. Father, it’s really quiet here in a hospital room. A perfect setting to write You an apology, only if I can be brave enough to do it. 

The June 19th, the date this letter should’ve been sent to You by, was when my left knee collapsed. I literally crawled to home from the train station. At the time I wasn’t so worried for I thought it was just a muscle cramp on the knee. Two days later, here I am lying on the hospital bed waiting for a doctor to tell me what’s gone wrong inside the knee. I will likely remain a cripple for at least several more days, maybe a week, but hopefully not more than a week. I am little worried, Father, that I would have to go through months-long rehab schedule. Right now is a critical time of my life. I have tons of things I must do for my career. Father, is my lying on the hospital bed the sign from You that You want me to lie back and think about what I can do to make You happy? If it is indeed the sign You’ve been signaling to me, then please, let me grip Your sign and execute it. 

Father, before exiting the hospital, however more days it’d take, if there’s one thing I would ask You to let it happen in my life, Father, I want to solely worship You, but no one else. It just popped inside me that professional ambition may have been one of other gods I may have been fervently chasing after in recent weeks and months and even years. Father, please let me realize any professional success, whether big or small, would become meaningless had it not been done with You. 

From Sean to Him

June 19, 2021 

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1 King 11-13 — My one and only

Solomon who once delivered You a wholehearted, dedicated prayer turned from You. In the beginning of his reigning years, he humbly and sincerely plead You to lend Your wisdom and intelligence to him — so that he could better reign over Israel, Your chosen country. You were delighted at his humbled and sincere prayer, and thus quickly responded. Because of Your response, every nation feared his wisdom and intelligence and thus dared not to test him. 

Likely the most wise and intelligent person in the Old Testament, Solomon however wronged You. He wronged You even though You “had appeared to him twice” and specifically listed him things that he must not do. Solomon, the most wise and intelligent at the time, should have been able to distinguish between things he should do and things he should not do as Christian. Even still, he committed wrongs and greatly disappointed Him. 

Father, how many times have I disappointed You? From September 2017 up until today, every time I made a pressing career decision, have I sought Your wisdom and intelligence before making the decision, or have I just followed my gut and instinct? How many times since 2017 have I earnestly and humbly pleaded You? And how many times since 2017 have I given You a wholehearted, dedicated prayer? 

At 2:19 a.m., June the 22nd, Father, this troubled son wants to write a short, but hopefully dedicated prayer.

“Father, who is my One and Only, who did every miracle depicted in the Bible, who really raised the dead to life, who was really risen from the dead, and who is watching this right next to me though invisible, this troubled son wants to lay everything of his out to You. Father, it’s really been difficult for me to believe in You, believe in Your words, and believe in Your power without a single doubt. Words in the Bible read really good, soothing, inspiring, and empowering to me. Seconds after finishing reading Your words render me an unaccounted sense of empowerment. But that empowerment rather fades away quicker that desired. I like to feel Your presence inside me consistently; but I haven’t been able to. I’ve been told numerous times that You will always dwell inside me however rebellious I behave against You. I know You have never intended to turn my heart to cold. It’s been my self-will that’s frozen my heart toward You. Father, who I believe can thaw my heart in a swift second, please come inside me, thaw my heart, so I can feel Your warmth starting right now.”

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

June 18, 2021 

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1 King 8-10 — Tearing down the cold-hearted walls inside me

“O Lord, the God of Israel, there is no God like You in heaven above or on earth beneath, keeping covenant and showing lovingkindness to Your servants who walk before You with all their heart,” prayed Solomon to You in 1 Kings 8:23. 

Father, it’s now 1:35 a.m., June the 22nd. Five days ago, I underlined the first few lines of Solomon’s dedicated prayer to You. At the time I’d been going through a spiritual turbulence; and that turbulence is still here, inside me, but hopefully in a much withered violence. 

I may be totally misled; but if I dare to draw a commonality among prayers spoken by Biblical characters, from Abraham in the Old Testament to Paul in the New Testament, like how Solomon prayed to Him in 1 Kings 8, they all wholeheartedly acknowledged You as the one and only in heaven and thus delivered a prayer with all their heart. 

Pray with all my heart. 

Father, who I want to call my one and only in heaven, in the past several days my heart wasn’t calm; and I used my trembling heart as an excuse not to write You a letter. Quite an absurd excuse, ain’t it? My good Sire, and my only Sire, tonight, at 1:58 a.m., June the 22nd, I want to politely invite You to tear down the cold-hearted walls that have surrounded my heart and blocked me from entering Your midst. Please come, and help me tear down each every wall that has never been intended to be built inside my heart.  

The admission ticket to my heart has always been free for You, dear Sire. 

From Sean to Him

June 17, 2021 

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1 King 5-7 — Words of affirmation from You to Your chosen one

It’s been almost a week since the last time I wrote You a letter. Father, it’s 1:09 a.m., June the 22nd. I am writing You a hyper-belated devotions whose dateline’d be June the sixteenth. For six days in a row, I have not written You a word. During the six-day self-motivated, but could-well-have-avoided hibernation from writing You devotions, I have nonetheless kept on reading the Scripture, three chapters a day, attended a Friday and Sunday service, respectively, and indeed had multiple spiritual occasions in which I should’ve utilized each of them as a spiritual impulse that’d compel me write You a compelling letter; but it never did. 

Father, almost a week has passed since I read 1 Kings 5-7. Of course I barely remember what I read six days ago. But there are a few lines in 1 Kings 6 that I underlined for a reason I don’t remember. They read: “‘Concerning this house which you are building, if you will walk in My statutes and execute My ordinances and keep all My commandments by walking in them, then I will carry out My word with you which I spoke to David your father. I will dwell among the sons of Israel, and will not forsake My people Israel,” reads 1 Kings 6-12-13. 

These underlined are words from You to Solomon. Words of affirmation from You to Your chosen one. Words that can never be challenged. And words that I’ve long prayed and hoped to “feel” from the inside while in prayer. As long as I continue to walk along Your path and follow Your directions, I will be well, really well because my life will be under Your watch. 

Really. Well. 

From Sean to Him

June 16, 2021 

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1 King 2-4 — I am incompetent without You

Before his last breath, David shared a secret to live a successful life by His standards with his son and the next ruler of Israel, Solomon. I wanted to call it a secret not because it’d been never told before David but because though it was shared numerous times from Genesis to Revelations, not so many were able to adapt it into their characteristics, except few exceptionals including Moses and David. “Keep the charge of the Lord your God, to walk in His ways, to keep His statutes, His commandments, His ordinances, and His testimonies … that you may succeed in all that you do and wherever you turn, so that the Lord may carry out His promise,” shared David of his secrete with Solomon in 1 Kings 2:3-4. 

Solomon wanted to adapt what was included in the secret into his characteristics. Already a king, the most powerful in Israel, Solomon, however, took a humble stance before the Lord. “Yet I am but a little child; I do not know how to go out or come in… So give Your servant an understanding heart to judge Your people to discern between good and evil. For who is able to judge this great people of Yours,” asked Solomon to the Lord in 1 Kings 3:9. The Lord responded to the earnest prayer by Solomon. After given what he wanted, and now with every power and wisdom he needed to do his job successfully, instead of growing haughty, he made sure to give a most thank to the Lord to always remind himself that everything he was to perform was all possible because of Him: “He (Solomon) came to Jerusalem and stood before the ark of the covenant of the Lord, and offered burnt offerings and made peace offerings, and made a feat for all his servants,” reads 1 Kings 3:15. 

Father, I hope I could step into Your alter in about seven hours, praise Your name through worship, listen to Your words in all seriousness, and pray to You in full earnest. Father, I like not to believe that my heart is still cold; instead I like to believe that it is getting warmed up in a rather faster rate. If the latter is what’s been happing in my heart, then Father, I want to bring You a prayer like Solomon did to You in 1 Kings 3:9. 

Like this: “Father, I am incompetent without You; and I can’t find a way out of this tunnel unless You illumine it. This prayer I am giving You early this morning, I hope and pray I am doing it in full sincerity and earnest. Father, would You allow this troubled man to adapt characteristics of David? Would You allow this troubled man to adapt personalities of Solomon described in 1 Kings 3? And would You allow this troubled man to be assured in You?” 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

June 15, 2021 

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2 Samuel 23-24 ; 1 King 1 — Why to continue praying despite not hearing Your responses?

“Then David said to Gad, ‘I am in great distress. Let us now fall into the hand of the Lord for His mercies are great, but do not let me fall into the hand of man,’” 2 Samuel 24:14 reads. 

Father, the extent of distress David underwent isn’t comparable with that of mine. The extent of pressure David had to carry also isn’t comparable with that of mine. His life was constantly in danger, while mine has never been. Permanent resting place was rarely allowed in his life, while I am given a home where I can sleep in peace. 

There seems to be a stark difference in behavior between David and I: He sought You in distress, but I don’t though in much less distress. 

On Monday morning past 6:20 a.m., I entered Your chamber and was given a sermon based on 1 King 18:33-35. Elijah told the people to prepare an offering to the Lord through three separate, but identical rituals. “Fill four pitchers with water and pour it on the wood,” said Elijah in 1 King 18:34. “Do it a second time,” said he again. “Do it a third time,” said he the third time. The worshipers did as he said. None of them questioned him why they had to do the same ritual three times. They listened, never questioned, and obeyed. 

Why to pray was on the heat of sermon Monday morning. Why to continue praying despite not hearing any response from Him was challenged. What God would do if we ceaselessly pray in a secluded place days and nights was questioned. The answer to the question, the pastor said, is a response from God at a due time. When would my due time arrive in my life? I asked myself during the sermon. It may come tomorrow, next month or next year. Or It may never come. 

Nevertheless, I must keep on praying. Why? Because I am Christian, and believe in Him. 

Father, please don’t misunderstand me because what I just wrote You isn’t my confession. But it’s the confession I hope to make, hopefully soon. 

From Sean to Him

June 14, 2021 

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2 Samuel 20-22 — Showcasing my faith in a wrong way

On Sunday the 13th, I attended a 9 a.m. worship service, paid $5 to lodge at a cafe for almost half a day tasking out outstanding work, appeased my stress-loaded brain with a cup of sugar-loaded matcha ice-cream in the evening, and eventually read Your words in 2 Samuel 20-22 inside a metro on my way home. Arriving at home close to midnight, I knew I had to reflect on 2 Samuel 20-22 before collapsing on the bed. But, I didn’t do what I should’ve had done. 

Father, right now is 5:17 p.m., Tuesday the 15th. I have never procrastinated writing You a devotions for two days in a row. After this gets written up, I will have to write the one for the 14th, which was yesterday. I feel like an elementary school kid trying to cram on a month-worth of loads of homework in one night,

Daily devotions is never meant to be done in haste. It’s always meant to be done in a quiet place in which I can take enough time to dive into Your waters, swim there as long and much as I need to, and don’t get out until I catch something insightful and learnable that’d help me get nearer to You. 

What I’ve been doing to You isn’t righteous. My words and behaviors meant to showcase my faith have wronged You. I once wrote You I defy procrastination. And here I am showcasing You my procrastination in fortifying a relationship between You and I. 

“They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my support,” said David while recollecting good and bad times of his from young to old in 2 Samuel 22:19. “Therefore the Lord has recompensed me according to my righteousness, according to my cleanness before His eyes,” words of assurance in God by David proclaimed in 2 Samuel 22:25. 

“For You are my lamp, O Lord; and the Lord illumines my darkness,” confessed David before the Lord in 2 Samuel 22:29. 

The confession he made in the verse 29, Father, why have I not been able to make the same confession? From Sean to Him

June 13, 2021 

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2 Samuel 17-19 — Blockage to my path to You

David dispatched three of whom he trusted, Joab, Abishai, and Ittai to a place where his rebellious son, Absalom fled, and stressed that they were ordered to “deal gently” with his son. Not knowing that the fleeing prince had been slain by one of three men he sent, David repeatedly expressed hope for a good news about his son while eyeing on newsmen all of who would soon report the king of the prince’s death. 

“‘If he is by himself there is good news in his mouth,’” said David in 2 Samuel 18:25. “‘This one also is bringing good news,’” said David again in 2 Samuel 18:26. “‘This is a good man and comes with good news,’” said David of his false hope the third time in 2 Samuel 18:27, 

But the news he heard wasn’t what he hoped. The death of his son broke David. Overflowing sense of guilt that he failed to protect the son outpoured on him. The king’s dignity collapsed: Surrounded by his servants, he cried and mourned, twice. 

Feeling desolate, David however bounced back. He felt broke, but he also knew he was ordained to keep doing the work God’d made him do — ruling over Israel. 

Just like how David was never tempted to let go of his duty as a man of Christ, Father, please let no temptation ever be a blockage to my path to You.

From Sean to Him

June 12, 2021 

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2 Samuel 14-16 — David’s spiritual characteristics

David was Your appointed. You’d nurtured him throughout his immature years, let Your plan be crystal-clearly blueprinted in his life, assured him of Your presence whenever he felt despaired, and ultimately made him rule over Israel. The Israelis lifted up his name, praised his well-governance over their homeland, and fought together with their king to deter any attempt of encroachment from outside. 

Though raised and educated perfect as David was, he, however, was on the brink of being overthrown by his own son, Absalom. Watching once peaceful homeland shaken up by their prince, the fickle Israelis soon turned away and started cursing at David, their once revered king. “‘Get out, get out, you man of bloodshed, and worthless fellow!’” cursed one of once loyal worshipers of David in 2 Samuel 16:7. 

A sizable portion of Psalm was authored by David. During frequent Friday worship nights since February, various psalms written and sang by him once inspired, then enlightened, and at last reprimanded me for my ceaseless doubt about Him. Yesterday night, I stepped into church as usual. I knew my heart wasn’t ready to worship Him wholeheartedly, but nonetheless sat at the very front row in the chamber, less than 20 feet away from the worship stage. The worship night unfolded; the music band set the entire chamber on spiritual fire with vitalizing gospels; the people, all behind me, stood up and sang in joy; and the unison sound of clapping from behind seemed to beg me to stand up, clap along, and at least try lip-singing. But I didn’t stand up, nor did I lip-sing or clap. During the entire worship night, from time for worship to sermon, then to prayer, my butt never left the seat, eyes fixed on the iPhone screen, legs sternly crossed, and hands loosely glued on the laps.

David never thought of leaving You even at a most dire time of his life. No alternative routes could replace the route He’d given him, David thought and so acted as he thought. One of most resilient Biblical figures I have so far learned in the past eleven months, David’s set a paragon of how I should act as a Christian man.

Try to embrace and adapt David’s spiritual characteristics. Should this be my prayer to You for the next several weeks, despite knowing that my heart toward You is still cold? 

Should I? Do I genuinely want to embrace and adapt his noble, spiritual traits? Or, am I rather once again acting in pretense before You? 

Ain’t sure. 

From Sean to Him 

June 11, 2021 

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2 Samuel 11-13 — Never let me go further than I could afford

Yesterday was my 29th date of birth. My mom called out my name from the kitchen at 6 a.m. “Come have your birthday breakfast,” said mom. Rubbing off my yet half-closed eyes, yearning for good, I rather strode to the kitchen. On the breakfast table were a marinated beef platter, leafy salad stuffed with crab meats, bowl of seaweed soup, and birthday cake. 

“Happy birthday to my son, happy birthday to my son, happy birthday dear Seong Hyeon, happy birthday to you!” My parents sang me a birthday song first time in seven years. The morning swept by quick. Already well past 9 a.m. I had to meet up with my beloved lady by 1 p.m. When leaving home, I would always bring a Samsonite backpack with me, and let it carry my nearly-disfigured Bible — in case I would do my daily Bible reading assignment inside a train, cafe, or wherever I could have a soft ground to support my unbalanced butt. But, yesterday, I didn’t carry anything with me but my body — in that I just wanted to enjoy my 29th date of birth without worrying about anything related to work, futures, worries, and unfortunately the 11-month-old promise I’ve made with Him.

Time with my beloved lady was lovely. It went too fast that it was already past 1:30 a.m. the next day when I finally realized that I had to read three chapters in the Bible and write about them before going to bed. I was too tired. I really was that the sleep ghost dragged me onto the bed, and locked me up there until nearly noon today. 

Right now is 5:54, June the 11th. Father, I am writing You a letter whose dateline was yesterday. Less than 20 minutes ago my eyes finished checking every word in 2 Samuel 11-13. “But the thing that David had done was evil in the sight of the Lord,” reads 2 Samuel 11:27, the only line I underlined while reading the three chapters. Why I underlined that verse, oh I don’t know. Maybe I felt an ephemeral sense of evil-minded euphoria upon learning that David, the perfect man by His standard, had also wronged Him, like how I wrong Him on a daily basis .

Father, I was totally forgetful of You yesterday. Yes, my heart is still cold; and yes doing anything related to church and the Bible still doesn’t comfort my soul at all. But Father, as You’ve nonetheless been holding me fast so far despite my everyday treacheries, Father please continue to hold me fast and never let me go further than I could afford.

From Sean to Him

June 10, 2021   

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2 Samuel 8-10 — Thanks for looking after my 29 years of life

Father, it’s been exactly 29 years since I was birthed. My mom dragged me to church when I was one and a half years old. My forehead was watered by the pastor at age 2. The Book of Proverb was the most-read book of mine in Sunday school. I was told Solomon’s wisdom was what I would have to learn before growing adult. The ridiculously long length of Psalm chapter 119 shock me during a high school Bible class. The number “666” scared hell out of me during a Bible class on Revelations in 2014. A painful story of Job earned my most empathy during a Greek mythology class in college. And most recently, from July 2020 to June 9 2021, my eyes have been greeting at Your words every day — no matter how cold my heart was on each day  

Father, I know I should have started this devotions by writing You a thank-you note that’d read — “Father, thanks for letting me meet my 29th birthday, and thanks for looking after my 29 years of life.” But I did not thank You at first, but tried to recollect any memories related to church and the Bible. 

The second Samuel chapter eight through 10 was what I read just now. David seemed to never loss a war. Whoever challenged David suffered a bitter consequence, in that You were right behind David fighting with him against all his foes. 

Father, if my memory isn’t too rotted, as far as I remember, I have never received a birthday gift from my parents since age 12. And I don’t want them to gift me any for my 29th birthday as well. But, dear Sire, for the first time in my life, if I may, Father, could You do me a birthday favor? 

It’s the favor You’d done to David; and also the favor You’d done to most of Your followers described in the Bible. 

So will You do the same to me? 

Thanks.

From Sean to Him

June 9, 2021 

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2 Samuel 5-7 — Father, prayer isn’t coming out of my mouth

Humble. Stand in a lower place. Work to esteem the highest and serve the lowest. Arrogance was barred. Selfishness was despised. Only humbleness could claim its spot in David’s mind. “‘It was before the Lord, who chose me…to appoint me ruler over the people of the Lord, over Israel; therefore I will celebrate before the Lord. I will be more lightly esteemed than this and will be humble in my own eyes,” said David in 2 Samuel 6:21-22, distinguishing himself from his predecessor, who failed to stand humble before the Lord, turned against His rules, and ended up being abandoned by Him. 

Father, I have to admit that I am yet ready to write You a heartfelt devotions. My heart isn’t warmed up enough. I would usually be listening to Christian musics on my way back home from work at night; but tonight, I was listening to contemporary K-POPs. Prayer isn’t coming out of my mouth. Thoughts aren’t geared to You. And everyday motive isn’t to please You but please myself, my greed, and my earthly needs. 

I nevertheless read Your words in 2 Samuel 5-7, though knowing that I wasn’t reading Your words wholeheartedly. A slew of quotable lines were found in 2 Samuel 7 — in which God established a promising covenant with David. An abundance of inspiring and encouraging lines were in the chapter seven; but none of them stood out to my eyes. Instead, the humble confession of David to first the Lord then to the daughter of Saul in the chapter six touched my yet cold heart. 

I ain’t sure Father. I ain’t sure whether I am ready to ask You this. But I think I will. 

Father, is my heart being warmed up, or is it still cold? 

From Sean to Him

June 8, 2021 

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2 Samuel 2-4 — Full of faults, like how David was

“How much more, when wicked men have killed a righteous man in his own house on his bed, shall I not now require his blood from your hand and destroy you from the earth,” reads 2 Samuel 4:11. 

An emotional cry from David, moments after having admitted that he killed an innocent man who brought him a news of Saul’s death. After the cry, David killed more men, chopped the dead bodies, and threw them away next to the still water. 

David was Your appointed, Your chosen one who wasn’t at all immaculate but full of faults. David was cruel, and didn’t spare a milligram of mercy in 2 Samuel 4. As I continue to go deeper in 2 Samuel, I will be gradually more knowledgeable of David’s life, why he was chosen by God, how he behaved before You, and why You were pleased of David’s life. 

Gaining more knowledge is good; but knowledge that’s never used in practice is set to be trash. Father, I have gained quite a knowledge of Your words in the past eleven plus months. 

Father, let me take a wise use of this little knowledge I’ve learned from You. 

That’s it. 

From Sean to Him

June 7, 2021

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1 Samuel 30-31 ; 2 Samuel 1 — Resuscitating my yet unresponsive pulse of faith

Dear Father, 

Yesterday at church I had one of most brutal inner, spiritual battle. When the worship band appeared on stage and started opening up the Sunday worship service with a blissful gospel, I kept my mouth shut while everyone around me was singing and clapping in joy. The sermon following the worship was even worse. Literally every word I heard during the sermon seemed to torture my ears. I literally couldn’t stand staying inside the church, but I withstood, rather valiantly. 

From 1 Samuel 30 to 31, wars ended; there were losers and winners; the losers suffered territorial losses mourning in distress while the winners rejoiced; the king of the fallen country left no will to prolong life, and killed himself; and his pursuers followed his suit, death. 

“The battle went heavily against Saul, and the archers hit him; and he was badly wounded by the archers…’Draw your sword and pierce me through with it, otherwise these uncircumcised will come and pierce me through and make sport of me,’” said Saul of his dire situation in 1 Samuel 31:3-4. 

My faith is dead. I want to resuscitate my yet unresponsive pulse of faith, but don’t know how. I should’ve attended a medical school in which You head as top medical professor. I know I am writing non-sense. I don’t even know what the fuck I am writing here. First time my using of F-bomb. 

Well, isn’t it surprising? 

From Sean to Him

June 6, 2021

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1 Samuel 27-29 — A damn letter

“Then Samuel said to Saul, ‘Why have you disturbed me by bringing me up?’ And Saul answered, ‘I am greatly distressed; for the Philistines are waging war against me, and God has departed from me and no longer answers me, either through prophets or by dreams; therefore I have called you, that you may make known to me what I should do,’” reads 1 Samuel 28:15. 

Saul thought he had no way out, was left without any option other than pleading the dead prophet to tell him what he, abandoned by God, could do to stop himself from further going astray. 

Ah, Father. I don’t want to write this damn letter. It’s become even more tiresome to read Your words. Unfortunately, reading Your words has already been deep-rooted into my daily routine, a daily ritual that I now get reluctantly compelled to do, despite a little joy I get by doing it. Earlier in February, after having achieved an initial goal, I set a subsequent goal that I would keep writing a letter to You, every day, until I finish reading the entire Bible. To achieve the goal would take more than a year yet. 

The more I grow weary of Your words, Sunday worship services, sermons and essentially anything related to church, the more daring and defiant I become to You. Had I decided to take a temporary break from church, like not attending church for several weeks or months, I am afraid that my not going to church would become a new routine of mine. I will still attend church on Sunday, and hopefully on Friday night as well. But like last Friday night and this afternoon, I felt as if the pastors were tormenting me with their sermons that were ruthlessly hard-pummeling my ear. 

Worship service was once a long-waited time every week; but now… 

Damn it, I don’t want to finish the sentence. 

From Sean to Him

June 5, 2021

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1 Samuel 24-26 — My fragile, sandcastle-like faith

Several hours ago, I asked You my so-far most daring, trio of questions to You, my Father. I nearly blasphemed You with my thoughtless words . However regretful I may feel toward You right now, nevertheless, these thoughtless words of mine would likely dwell inside me longer than I hope they’d be spewed out by.

You have long known of my fragile, sandcastle-like faith. I’ve written You numerous times that I ain’t ready to accept You as my sole Savior. I stagger, then stumble, and eventually fall, failing to enter Your one-and-only World — in which unconditional faith is granted to every resident. Pity is the word I no longer want to use to describe my present-day faith in You; but too oftentimes the word gets used to self-blame too-many instances of treacheries I’ve done to You. I’ve wronged You, and long crossed the moral threshold I should have dared not to step over.  

No respect shown from Sean to You in the past days and weeks. But I will likely show You even more disrespect in upcoming days, further disappointing You and hurting Your heart — a disclaimer I am very much reluctant to make here. 

Unlike this troubled man Sean, David, despite a slew of life-threatening events that he would have not had to undergo had God not appointed him as the rising king of Israel, kept firm faith in You, and always showed You every respect he could give. “‘Do not destroy him, for who can stretch out his hand against the Lord’s anointed,’” said David in 1 Samuel 26:9 to his followers wanting to kill Saul who was in sleep. 

Looking down on a man whom David’d done the very best to serve, and who however attempted to kill him for reasons he as a reasonable person could not fathom, David must have processed lots of difficult thoughts and agonies before making the decision to spare Saul’s life, God’s anointed. 

Like David, Father, I do want to respect You as much as I can. But an unwelcoming gang of evils inside me isn’t letting me do so.

Father, in about six hours I will enter Your chamber and start singing gospels, listening to a sermon, and kneeling down to pray supposedly in earnest. My heart right now is cold. I hope You would thaw my frozen heart so I could come slightly more earnest before You tonight. 

Perplexed

From Sean to Him

June 4, 2021

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1 Samuel 21-23 — Shut up, Sunday sermon

“Then David said, ‘O Lord God of Israel, Your servant has heard for certain that Saul is seeking to come to Keith to destroy the city on my account. Will the men of Keilah surrender me into his hand? Will Saul come down just as Your servant has heard? O Lord God of Israel, I pray, tell Your servant.’ And the Lord said, ‘He will come down,’” reads 1 Samuel 23:10. 

How much of time gap was there between David’s prayer and Your on-point response? Numerous places in the Bible say You respond to a prayer whenever You want, meaning it could take a second or years until a prayer gets responded, or maybe never. Right off the passage, You seemed to respond to David’s prayer without a second pause; plus, Your response was right on point to David’s asking. 

‘Keep praying until you get a response from Him,’ a popular topic for Sunday sermon that’s pummeled my ears likely more than a hundred times since I started attending church. Church music band for most time opens up an worship with a rock ’n’ roll song that generally talks about Your work being done in our lives. Online Bible-related short clips on YouTube assert me that He’s already included me into His grandiose plan — thus, it’s only the matter of time when the plan eventually hits my life.

Shut up Sunday sermon. Shut up YouTube. And shut up Bible optimists. Isn’t it just irresponsible of those Bible talkers trying to re-assure me that He’s always in work with me by quoting a sound-promising, and overly optimistic line or two from the Scripture? 

What benefits could I reap by writhing this letter, which only a few would read? In the past eleven months, I was writing as if You would read my letters and respond at Your own time. 

My apologies for being bluntly sarcastic here.

But. 

Are You even real? Or are You just one of many fake gods trying to brainwash the million? Maybe I shouldn’t capitalize the “G” for “God.” 

From Sean to Him

June 3, 2021

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1 Samuel 18-20 — Father, am I included in Your payroll?

Father, several hours ago I was reading an eye-weeping relationship between David and Jonathan. “Tomorrow is the new moon, and you will be missed because your seat will be empty,” told Jonathan to David in 1 Samuel 20:18 amidst Saul’s persistent attempt to kill David. Staying resilient against adversaries with Him, and holding a firm belief that David, God’s appointee, would be protected no matter what, Jonathan willingly forsook the comfort and plunged into the dread, standing against his father, the most powerful man in Israel. 

Though not described in the Bible, I reckon Jonathan’s faith in You was as strong and firm as David’s. Without an assurance that God wanted him to protect David from aggressors, how could he defy the king’s order and do what he thought was a right thing to do? 

Father, though Jonathan later died while doing work on Your behalf, he must have had left no regret upon his death, in that he’d done Your will. 

What about this man named Sean still lost in the tunnel? What’s his assignment? Is it really too much to ask You to enroll me in Your payroll — so that I may kick off every morning knowing my daily assignment. 

From Sean to Him

June 2, 2021

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1 Samuel 15-17 — Cold-hearted attitude to You

“Has the Lord as much delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice.

“And to heed than the fat of rams,” said Samuel in 1 Samuel 15:22. 

Father, my heart is still cold, even colder than yesterday. This morning I questioned my mom why Korean churches are almost always asking members to sacrifice their precious talents and times to do essential church work that would’ve been offered a paid position in western cultures; and why I’ve been holding an uncomfortable thought that Korean churches utilize peer pressures to leave no other options for members to choose. 

Yes, my faith would likely grow if my heart gets moved to do work for church; and You’d be happier to watch me willingly volunteering my times and talents for church ministries. I know this so well. But Father, I still believe if churches inquire to borrow times and talents from their members, churches should provide competitive compensations to the member; but a church I’ve been attending since November isn’t doing what I think is moral to do. I know, I so well know that I may have been trapped with evil thoughts; maybe the satan is working inside me. 

No labor should be done for free, a simple norm. Isn’t it? 

“For man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart,” reads 1 Samuel 16:7, further icing my heart.

Three years ago, on my first visit to a Korean church in Beijing, China, I was selected to be a youth leader, not by my will, but by the will of the church’s seniors. My performance as youth leader was abysmal. I for most Sundays came late for service, and made every possible excuse to not participate in a church activity happening on weekdays. At the time my heart wasn’t at all geared toward You. My American Standard Bible rarely showed its flesh. Listening to Your gospels wasn’t for me to praise and uplift Your name but to primarily console my troubled heart, as Beijing wasn’t a place I wanted to roll. On a rare Sunday morning in which I was on time for service, listening to the 40-minute sermon was dead boring to me that 40 minutes felt like an entire day. 

Believe it or not, Father, there was a period of my life in which I was so willing to use my times, monies and talents for church. Four years ago in Arizona, when I was super-duper busy writing stories on deadline every day, and when weekends weren’t days colored in red on my calendar, whenever I could spare some times amidst the hectic work schedule, I drove straight to church and volunteered. At least twice a week I drove nearly 20 miles to attend an early dawn worship service before heading to work; almost every Friday evening, as soon as I was clocked out at work, I drove to church to help arrange chairs for Friday worship night; and every Sunday morning, I attended two worship services in a row, one for English, and the other for Korean, engaged in a small group Bible study in the afternoon, and oftentimes happily joined a group dinner afterward. Every Sunday, to me at the time, was dedicated to You. 

What on earth has happened to my heart, Father? What the heck is wrong with me? I will nevertheless continue to read Your words every day, and attend worship service every Friday and Sunday. But I ain’t sure whether my cold-hearted attitude to You could ever get warmed up, soon.

Really, what the heck. 

From Sean to Him

June 1, 2021

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1 Samuel 12-14 — Ceaseless prayer for my loved ones

Saul later turned disobedient to You; but he at least knew prayer for his loved ones, the people of Israel, must ceaselessly be delivered to avoid displeasing the One who governed over his life. The loved ones, to me, are parents, sister, and a good friend of mine with whom I’ve recently fallen in love. Until last Thursday, I had been delivering a prayer for my loved ones to You every day for more than a month. Tiredness didn’t stop me from praying at the time; however heavy my eyelids felt, I did record a prayer and send it to You before going to bed. But then, since last Friday, for three days in a row, I didn’t deliver a prayer for my loved ones to You. Yes, I was tired; but exhausted-ness isn’t unusual to me, thus it shouldn’t excuse me from not praying to You. My thought storage was occupied with a myriad of work-related concerns and worries in the past three days; but a perplex state of mind is what I’ve been carrying for years, thus it also fails to render me a valid excuse. 

Yes, Father. I could have delivered You a prayer if I really wanted, and thirsted for You. But I didn’t do it for three days in a row. An unusual behavior of mine, which’s probably disappointed You greatly; like how You were disappointed in Saul, Your appointed one. 

‘My heart isn’t warm enough to pray’ was an absurd excuse I’ve been carrying — to self-vindicate myself from feeling guilty, uneasy before bed every night. ‘He wouldn’t want to hear a cold-hearted prayer’ was another absurd one. ‘I need a break from prayer’ was the last one, the most absurd. 

Maybe I need to write a script before praying, so that at least I could deliver You a prayer though scripted. An organic prayer is what I prefer doing. But, Father, I am weak in faith, immature in attitude, and inept in self control. 

“Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by ceasing to pray for you,” said Saul to his people before the Lord in 1 Samuel 12:23. 

Response? 

From Sean to Him

May 31, 2021

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1 Samuel 9-11 — What’s my title, identity?

Father, it’s 2:25 a.m., the last day of May. Before May is gone, I hope to get one thing done; Finishing it up would impress no one, nor would it help me get a better job. But it would at least help remind myself that I can indeed write, produce a story — and I was once a journalist, a lost title, identity of mine that needs to be reclaimed.  

Writing is not so fun. A toughest brain labor, writing oftentimes depresses me. A story read only by a few is set to be wasted. Without a legitimate publication willing to publish my work on its website, posting it on my blog would bring me no good. Nevertheless, Father, when I wake up in four to five hours, when the sun rises and a family of sparrows starts twittering to signal it’s time to roll, I want to spend the entire day writing story. It’s OK even if my work doesn’t get recognized; it’s OK if no one but myself eyes on the story; and it’s OK, it’s really OK if the story turns out to be gibberish. I just need to re-torch the journalism fire inside me, and never let it be gone again. 

In 1 Samuel 9, You appointed Saul to govern over the people of Israel. The Bible described Saul as a handsome, near-perfect man that no men could compete against him for the throne. Saul was a proud man. He became proud-er once he got throned by You. Once became the ruler, his eyes became blind, and ears became deaf to Your commands, heartfelt advice. 

What sort of change would happen in my life after tomorrow? What would the month of June bring to me? Would I remain passion-less or would I vigorously and relentlessly do journalism days and nights? What about my title, identity? What would my title be next month, which’s only a day away? Would my eyes and ears stay blind and deaf, or would You help open them up — so that I may start doing things that disappoint You less?

Father, are all these questions OK to You? Am I still a proud man, or have I become less proud but slightly more humbled before You? You eventually forsook Saul. 

I hope You wouldn’t do what You did to Saul to me. 

From Sean to Him

May 30, 2021

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1 Samuel 6-8 — Your heart-pinching words here, in verbatim

Father, to journalist, paraphrasing is the last resort to avoid story wordiness, mundanity, redundancy, and most vitally plagiarism. A 500-word story, if linked with politics or pressing social plagues, contains at least one or two quotes from a TV figure, government statistical report, or peer-reviewed paper. Story inundated with direct quotes over quotes is one of most egregious sins a journalist could commit. That’s why paraphrasing is the best patron to our work. It isn’t easy, though. Re-arranging words and re-inventing a sentence into a whole likely different sentence that still speaks the identical message is darn hard; brain likely suffers a lot if it has to paraphrase a whole lengthy paragraph in less than 5 minutes. 

This very early morning, around 1:20ish a.m., I wanted to paraphrase the first nine verses of 1 Samuel chapter eight. Almost every line pierced my heart; I felt guilty while reading the lines. I wanted to paraphrase the verses into a beautiful chunk of words; but against my will, I was too tired to to so, and eventually let my body collapse on the bed until the sunrise. 

Father, it’s 8:17 p.m., May the 30th. This letter should’ve been written and sent to You a day ago. This is the second time of my belated submission of a daily letter to You.

I am sorry, my dear Sire, that I still can’t paraphrase Your heart-pinching words in 1 Samuel 8:1-9; and I am afraid that I may mis-paraphrase Your words and thus transform them into something totally misguided.

So here it goes, Father. Your words here, in verbatim. 

“But the thing was displeasing in the sight of Samuel when they said ,’Give us a king to judge us.’ And Samuel prayed the Lord. The Lord said to Samuel, ‘Listen to the voice of the people in regard to all that they say to you, for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected Me from being king over them. Like all the deeds which they have done since the day that I brought them up from Egypt even to they day — in that they have forsaken Me and served other gods — so they are going to you also. Now then, listen to their voices however, you shall solemnly warn them and tell them of the procedure of the king who will reign over them,” reads 1 Samuel 8:6-9. 

The Israelis rejected Him to govern their lives; thus instead they made themselves a fake god which would tell and do exactly what they wanted to hear and receive. Father, this afternoon at church, I was valiantly shaking my head side to side at the sermon based on Matthew 16:5-12. ‘Efforts to serve You as if You are my father, efforts to treat You as if I treat my dad with every respect possible, and efforts to fear You as if I fear my dad,’ today’s core messages that drove my head to be shaken horizontally, and rather violently. 

Yeah.

From Sean to Him

May 29, 2021

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1 Samuel 3-5 — My heart is cold, am I well?

Father, my heart wasn’t lighted up up until the mid point of tonight’s worship service. Mouth was reluctant to opening up itself to You; eyes weren’t looking up but down instead; and ears were deaf to Your living words spoken from the podium. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to pay attention; but I in fact could not pay attention to the worship service, almost entirely. 

“But she did not answer or pay attention,” reads 1 Samuel 4:20, describing Phinehas’s wife’s self-motivated defiance to kneeling before You despite a recent birth of her son. “’The glory has departed from Israel, because the ark of God was taken and because of her father-in-law and her husband.’ She said, ‘the glory has departed from Israel, for the ark of God was taken,’” reads 1 Samuel 4:21. 

Whether I read 1 Samuel chapter four right or not, Father, I was somewhat able to empathize the defiant wife described in the chapter, that I, like her, was reluctant to kneeling before You thought standing in the midst of Your chamber. My heart was icy cold tonight. It was kind of warmed up once the worship band re-appeared after the sermon and started leading the collective prayer. My eyes were somewhat soaked when praying about a 17-year-old boy suffering blood cancer; mouths were mumbling the phrase — “Dear Father, please Father” — over and over for an unaccounted reason; and ears were slightly tuned into a soothing harmony of worship resonating the entire chamber.

Father, right now I am listening to the song titled “It is well.” Its chorus says, “It is well with my soul.” Father, am I well? Is my soul well? Or is it so broke that it needs an immediate repair? How should the repair be done? Where should I get all the necessary compartments to make the repair possible? 

Hope I am well enough, really I do. 

From Sean to Him

May 28, 2021

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Ruth 4 ; 1 Samuel 1-2 — ‘Song of Thanksgiving’

Father, I was moved by the title of 1 Samuel chapter two. “Hannah’s Song of Thanksgiving” is the title. One third of the chapter consisted of her prayer to You, after having borne a son she badly wanted, named Samuel. Before having conceived Samuel, Hannah earnestly prayed to You. She was so earnest in prayer that even a priest thought she was acting drunk, nearly out of mind. The priest’s criticism, however, did no harm to her ongoing, heartfelt prayer to You. Her prayer wasn’t being heard by the Lord, says 1 Samuel 1:13. Unanswered prayer along with a grimace from the priest, if I were her, would have harden my heart toward You; but her heart stood strong and was never wavered. 

“I have poured out my soul before the Lord,” declared Hannah in confidence in 1 Samuel 1:15. 

Hannah’s prayer of thanksgiving began with — “My heart exults in the Lord.” “There is no one holy like the Lord, indeed, there is no one besides You, nor is there any rock like our God,” sang and praised Hannah of the Lord in 1 Samuel 2:2, after having never stopped praying out to the Lord despite an outside discouragement, after having presented her very sincerity to the Lord days and nights, and after having had her prayer responded by You.

What more words could I say of Hannah’s prayer of thanksgiving, that I don’t think I’ve presented even a miniature amount of sincerity to You, not even once in nearly a year. Yes, I’ve set a high bar on myself; and I might have been seen sincere to You a few times in the past year. But, but, Father, almost eleven months have passed since I started writing devotions to You; however, I still mumble a lot while praying, invite sundry thoughts to distract me during worship service, smoke cigarettes and drink beers to deter stress — and, most unfortunately, I am not prepared to fully rejoice in You, unlike Hannah.  

Nuff said. 

From Sean to Him

May 27, 2021 

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Ruth 1-3 — Prerequisite to successful service to You

I hit the quarter mark of the Old Testament. Two hundred and twenty two pages were read. Through the reading I’ve learned to follow the stream of the history being chronicled in the Bible, all the way from Abraham to most recently Ruth. Before I dove myself into the read-three-chapters-in-the-Bible-every-day journey, I rarely had any clue on why “the sons of Israel” appear more than enough in the Scripture. Who are they? Why are they being so inundatedly quoted? Why their treacheries and idolatries should I read? But now I know “Israel” refers to Jacob, and almost every story after Genesis is a genealogy of Jacob’s descendants. 

I likely have missed a lot of nitty-gritty details that I should have caught from Genesis to Ruth; and I likely have not cared enough, or not curious enough to read each column again to really invite Your words into my midst. Almost four months have passed. From the Book of Ephesians to Revelations, and then from Genesis to Ruth, boy, I have read a lot. What have I learned other than catching the historical flow in the Bible during the past four months? Oh I don’t want to shame myself by answering it.  

More than 600 pages are left for me to read in the Old Testaments. After this, I will have to read the four gospels in the New Testaments plus the subsequent five books to officially finish the entire Bible. 

Another year or more would take for me to put an end mark onto the journey.

You know what I am about to ask You for a favor. It isn’t about the work I am trapped in nor is it about my strenuous effort to find the exit of this long tunnel. 

My good Sire, instead, would You please help me get more serious, and wholehearted every time I read Your words? 

Professional success is important to me; however, I want to stand loyal to You first, for I believe that’s a very prerequisite to a successful service to You. 

I hope, and pray I didn’t write any lie here.

From Sean to Him 

May 26, 2021

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Judges 19-21 — Prefer strenuous treading rather than pleasurable rambling

A gruesome horror scene was stunningly toned down in Judges 19. Two tribes of the same origin fought each other, and one tribe went annihilated in Judge 20. Then in Judge 21, a true anarchy was established, with everyone doing “what was right in his own eyes,” as written in Judges 21:25. War after war, invasion then conquest, and greedy pursuit but stranded afterward were what I read in Judges in the past seven days. Lessons learned? Always ask Him first before taking any action; following my instinct is perilous; eyes fixed on Your words and ears tuning into Your constant whisperings, if want to successfully power through another difficult day; and admit my limit, and work with Him to perform beyond the limit. 

Father, less than six days are left before May is gone. The year 2021 is racing to the middle point. The time is running fast while my work progress is lagging. The ladder I will have to climb up to seize a promised future placed in the other side of the fence seems too high. Outstanding work keep piling up, and many of them end up going wasted. A raft of Ideas continue to sprout up inside the brain, but hardly any of them turns into a story. Planning is easy, but execution is darn hard. Before procrastination, laziness is what needs to be gone gone. Words are easy to be spoken, but darn difficult to be borne in reality. 

Rambling is pleasurable, but treading is strenuous. And, I know, Father, that treading is a right route to grabbing the promised future You’ve long prepared for Sean. Still this tunnel I’ve been locked in is without a light, which, when finally found, would lead me to the only exit.

It’s 11:36 a.m., May the 25th. Words spoken to You, Father. Let’s see whether I can execute what I’ve told You. 

From Sean to Him

May 25, 2021

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Judges 16-18 — ‘Hang in there’

‘Hang in there’ was the core message during the yesterday’s sermon. However hard circumstance I am enduring right now, I, like how David did in everyday of his dramatic life, ought to hang in His space, persevere, and fight off until the plan given from Him to me begins to blossom in life. 

It’s not so easy to keep persevering without knowing when would this perseverance turn into prosperity by His term. More sleep, more procrastination, and more lollygaging are an enticing option to seek a temporary comfort, but never permanent. Walking away from a route He’s long prepared for me might render me a less stressful life. A life that requires no strenuousness, no sweat, and no plod may have been for which I’ve been shooting. It’s wrong to think like this, according to my conscience. What about You, Father? According to Your conscience, what’s a right way to live this life? 

“Inquire of God, please, that we may know whether our way on which we are going will be prosperous,” said the Danites to a young Levite man during a greedy quest to find a new land, according to Judges 18:5. 

I, just like the Danities, want to be crystal clear with a future road on which I will be treading. I, just like the Danities, want to have someone telling me which way is prosperous and which way isn’t. I’ve been asking You countless times to tell me a way that’s prosperous. My countless askings were of my pure greedy selfishness. I was so thirst for a worldly success that I, though unconsciously, tried to interpret Your words in a way I like to think and adapt. My short-sighted eyes to read Your words may have been a self-created god of mine. 

“You have taken away my gods which I made, and the priest, and have gone away and what do I have besides?” said Micah to the short-sighted Dainties in Judges 18:24.  

Father, the only one staying beside me spiritually must be You alone. I may have invited too many other gods to stand beside me. But these gods I self created were never a sturdy fortress; they were all prone to collapse, and were too sly that they didn’t comfort me when I badly needed it. Contrary to these unreliable gods, You are the one most sturdy and most reliable from which I can always lean on and seek comfort. That’s You. Really You. 

Father, could what I just wrote here be my everyday confession to You? 

Really.

From Sean to Him

May 24, 2021

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Judges 13-15 — Change needed in my stance to Your words

It’s an awkward feeling that I am writing You another letter less than quarter a day after I wrote You one. 

“For it came about when the flame went up from the altar toward heaven, that the angel of the Lord ascended in the flame of the alter. When Manoah and his wife saw this, they fell on their faces to the ground,” reads Judges 13:20. Father, when talking to the angel, Your representative, Manoah didn’t trust a word the angel was saying, and insisted the angel to identify him- or herself. Then, when You came down and presented a wonder to Manoah and his wife, they immediately fell down to the ground, truly awestruck. 

The Holy Spirit, whom You sent to take care of me on Your behalf, I like to believe, is here with me. The spirit is reported to consistently whisper to my ears, transmitting Your words to my inside. Whether to recognize the transmitted words of Yours is all up to me. A best way to do so is attach my life to Your words as strict as possible. Did I say it right, Father? Is this right that the Bible is an ultimate blueprint for my life? The past and future ups and downs of my life have already been discussed in the Bible, in that when the downs try to encroach on my spiritual territory, I need to have my Bible to protect the territory from every enemy. Did I say it right, Father? 

I purchased two books last week. One is named “North of The DMZ,” and the other named “The Collected Essays, Journalism and Letters.” Both are to help nurture my journalism expertise, help widen my journalistic horizon, and ultimately help me get better at doing journalism. They wouldn’t be easy to read; close-reading is required to get the most out form them. My stance when I will read each of the books will be very much serious; eyes laser-beaming on each every page, and brain busy at dissecting each every line. 

My stance when I was reading Your Book wasn’t serious enough; eyes staggering side to side, and brain in a temporary hibernation. 

Father, there needs to be a change, rather a dramatic change in my stance to Your words. 

What should I do?

Let me know.

From Sean to Him

May 23, 2021

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Judges 10-12 — Your words must come first before anything else

For the first time since last year July, I went to bed without having written You a letter yesterday. I woke up past noon, and boy I felt terrible. A daily ritual I’d kept firm and steady was breached. Yes, I felt out of tank last night; but there had been several nights in which I felt tired-er but nonetheless wrote You a letter before bed. 

Several hours ago at church, I was lectured about David’s tent in which he invited You to hear his cries and praises no matter how egregious the on-the-minute situation tried to haunt him. “One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to meditate in His temple,” praised David of You in Psalm 27:4. 

No matter how tired I felt last night, I should’ve spared some times to invite You into my midst. But the sleeping ghost engulfed my will, and steered me into the bed. One more confession. Father, You must have seen how my ill temperament spoiled a time between I and You last Friday night. You must have seen how I almost deliberately saved my throat while everyone else surrounding me was shouting out Your name in harmony. And, You must have been disturbed by my poor approach to hearing Your words through a mouth of the anointed pastor.

The dateline for this letter will be May 22, though it’s 23rd. Half an hour ago I read Judges 10-12, a portion of reading I should’ve done last night. And, roughly three hours from now I will read Judges 13-15, a today’s portion. 

“The sons of Israel said to the Lord, “We have sinned, do to us whatever seems good to You; only please deliver us this day,” repented the sly Israelis to You in Judges 10:15. 

Almost a cycle of repentance, but once again, if You will, my good Sire. Please accept my apologies, and let me start fresh again with You. 

Your words come first before anything else. I hope, and pray what I just wrote here would get deeply engraved in my mind; and I would never let a single dusty particle sit on the engraved.  

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

May 22, 2021

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Judges 7-9 — Deterring many ‘Baals’ surrounding my life

“Then it came about, as soon as Gideon was dead, that the sons of Israel again played the harlot with the Baals, and made Baal-berith their god. Thus the sons of Israel did not remember the Lord their God, who had delivered them from the hands of all their enemies on every side; nor did they show kindness to the household of Jerubbal in accord with all the good that the had done to Israel,” reads Judges 8:33-35. 

Father, there are too many Baals surrounding my life to hinder my efforts to come humble before You. My short-sighted thought, dearth of understanding, fickle temperament, impatience, to name a few. Tonight at church, I didn’t pay attention to You at all. I sat still while everyone else was uplifting Your name with their best voices. My legs were crossed with eyes fixed to the ceiling while everyone else was bowing down before You. And my hands were busy scribbling something while everyone else was praying out loud. 

The scribble I wrote when I was expected to pray read:

“Father, this is hard, difficult, and fucking hard that I cannot speak up my voice right now. Father, people around me are bursting out in graceful tears. Everyone except me is praying with his or her loudest voice. What the hell am I doing here, Sir? I should’ve been prepared to praise Your name and pray to You. But I can’t do it tonight due to a re-emerging burden that’s pressing down on me, again. This is damn difficult. This is hard. I once said I’d try to catch two fleeing bunnies at once. But now, it seems like I was being overly ambitious. Don’t You think the same? 

“Father, Pastor Song just said — ‘faith prepayment = worship.’” 

Father, whether I am happy or sad, please let me not stop worshiping You.  

That’s all.

From Sean to Him

May 21, 2021

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Judges 4-6 — ‘The Lord is peace’

This is exactly what I wanted to avoid to watch myself doing — skimming through Your words in a very hasty manner. Less than 15 minutes were taken to read three chapters in the Book of Judges. Almost an un-consecrated way to come before Your words, my eyes were busy rolling down each line of Judges while my brain took no heed at all. 

“Then Gideon built an altar there to the Lord and named it The Lord is Peace,” reads Judges 6:24. I somehow underlined this verse though I didn’t know why this line was written, for what specific reason, from which contexts. My whiteboard of understanding of Judges 4-6 is still strikingly untouched, pathetically clean. I got a pending work I hope to get it nearly complete by the end of tonight. The work that has occupied most of my inner storage at this point is being valued more than Your words, unfortunately, by me. This is pathetic, I know. 

Who is Gideon anyway? Is this person male or female? Why did he or she build the alter and named it — “The Lord is Peace”? He or she must have had gone through a stark terror that the alter naming after You needed to be built to wrap an emotional safety net around him or her. 

Maybe I need to do the same. Father, do I also need to wrap myself with an emotional safety net? What about the alter? I am pretty old fashioned that I could probably gather a sizable amount of dusty rocks to build an alter similar to what Gideon built, though in a much smaller size. Baseless thought and idea are being flown in this letter dedicated to You, Father. I ain’t even sure what on earth I am writing here. No logic may be found in this letter. A letter stimulated by a mere impulse is on its way to You. 

Nevertheless, Father, would You still read this and respond? 

Thanks.

From Sean to Him

May 20, 2021

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Judges 1-3 — Please, let me come humble before Your words

The sons of Israel who, as far as my understanding, seemed to be sly and opportunistic in nature based on their fickle attitude to God shown throughout the Bible, cried out to You when their safety was endangered. Their stream of acts of treacheries should’ve had thrusted them into an unescapable firepit; but You, the most merciful, pitied them instead and always offered another chance for them to live by Your standards. At every time You showed mercy, the sly Israelis bowed down and thanked You with the loudest voice; but soon they relapsed. 

“When the angel of the Lord spoke these words to all the sons of Israel, the people lifted up their voices and wept,” reads Judges 2:4, describing another mercy God putting on the sly people of Israel despite their continuous treacheries. 

“And they forsook the Lord the God of their fathers, who had brought them out of the and of Egypt, and followed other gods …… thus they provoked the Lord to anger,” reads Judges 2:12. The opportunistic Israelis relapsed, again, as they had done so many times before, almost a ritual. Despite the rising anger, God showed mercy, again, in verse 18 of Judges 2 — part of which reads: “The Lord was moved to pity by their groaning.”  

“Now the sons of Israel again did evil in the sight of the Lord,” the people, again, forgot about Him and relapsed in Judges 3:12. 

I am no different from the fickle Israelis. I am also sly and opportunistic in nature. I used to not even give a damn about the Bible when my life seemed to be thriving. But when ominous signs began to emerge in life, I swiftly turned around, raced to church, kneeled down, and started crying out to You. 

Do You remember what I prayed to You tonight at church? I prayed in English: “Father, please let me come humble before Your words; let me accept Your words as they are written; let me not take Your grace for granted; and let me pray in earnest.” 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

May 19, 2021

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Joshua 22-24 — ‘You have chosen for yourselves the Lord, to serve Him’

Sunday was primarily a rest day after a Saturday night rock ’n’ roll. The 11:15 a.m. service at The Crossing Church was too early to attend. Instead of attending the service while still half drunk, I needed to take care of the morning hangover to make myself sober enough to task out procrastinated assignments due the next day or two. During my three and a half years in college, I switched around three different churches, two were Korean, and the other was local. I was hardly settled with one church, not because I was actively scouting for the one that would help me grow spiritually but the one that would bring me better chances to befriend attractive men and women. 

On a rare Sunday morning in which I reluctantly carried myself to church, with a Bible to cushion the back of my head, I treated the roughly 30-minute sermon like a soft lullaby, and napped the entire service. The word “con” would be a fair description of my church life in college. Despite my poor attitude to Him, I was darn successful at the time. Almost the only heyday of my life happened while I drank and partied on a daily basis. Every choice I made led to a more success. I didn’t need any outside guidance, in that I thought I could guide myself well without any help. Thus, of course, the Bible wasn’t at all within my radar. You, my good Father, had no place in my mind. 

Four years after the college graduation, my spiritual attitude has changed completely. Friday night rock ’n’ roll is a long past. Sunday for rest day is no longer my slogan. My good ole’ New American Standard Bible hardly escapes from my radar. I write and pray to Him every day. Friday night and Sunday early afternoon are to be spent for my lifting up His name. Compared to four years ago, I’ve been being really good to Him, almost a transformative change in attitude. But, ironically, compared to four years ago, I’ve been being really poor in my work performance, almost a plummet from the very top to the bottom of the totem pole. 

This isn’t fair, is it, my good Sire? Or am I getting every belated punishment for all the bad things I did against Your will in college?

“I gave you a land on which you had not labored, and cities which you had not built, and you have lived in them; you are eating of vineyards and olive groves which you did not plant,” says the Lord in Joshua 24:13. OK, Father, I know about this too well. Would You please stop making me feel bad about my poor return to all the favors You’ve done in my life? 

“If it is disagreeable in your sight to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves today whom you will serve: whether the gods which your fathers served which were beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living,” reads Joshua 24:14. Beers and parties were angels, and I was a god for myself four years ago. But now, I want to defy all of them, and make a wiser choice. 

“You are witnesses against yourselves that you have chosen for yourselves the Lord, to serve Him,” reads Joshua 24:22.

Father, could Joshua 24:22 manifest in my life? 

Please.

From Sean to Him

May 18, 2021

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Joshua 19-21 — ‘Your promises never fail’

I am reminded of a song that was often chanted during a Wednesday Cru ( in other term — Campus Crusade for Christ) worship service in college. College years were a time for a never-ending brainstorming for future. Hopeful uncertainties constituted most of my days in college. A regular self-reminder that a mountain of readings and writing assignments should’ve added to a promising future was how I first-aided worries and fears. From 8 p.m. up until 9:30ish p.m., inside the Memorial Union every Wednesday, the worship service was not only a temporary refuge from burdening pressures but also a waterless shower break in which I could sing with the loudest voice. 

“Promises Never Fail” was the name of the song. “I know Your thoughts; Your plans for me are good; I know You hold; My future and my hope; Your promises never fail; Your promises never fail,” its chorus chants. 

“And the Lord gave them rest on every side, according to all that He had sworn to their fathers, and no one of all their enemies stood before them; the Lord gave all their enemies into their hand. Not one of the good promises which the Lord had made to the house of Israel failed; 

“All came to pass,” reads Joshua 21:44-45. 

Father, it seems like my college years, against my will, are extended to today, and likely many days more. I can no longer attend the Cru worship service every Wednesday. But instead, You’ve allowed me attend a Samil Church worship service every Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. At almost every service You let me remind myself of a promise You’ve long told me. I know no detail inside the promise, but would like to believe what I’ve done and will continue to do would help me step closer to fulfilling the promise You’ve given me. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him 

May 17, 2021 

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Joshua 16-18 — Lord! Lord! Lord!

Dear Father, words I will have written here by me are ones dedicated to You. I dearly pray words my hands will begin typing up will all come from my deepest, sincere heart. Please let no word be typed up in a halfhearted manner. Even a typo or an obvious grammatically off sentence, I pray, would be counted toward the dedication I am trying to present to You in the next 30 minutes.

Granted a numerous number of people in this world haven’t yet gotten a chance to have access to Your words, I am already overwhelmingly blessed in that Your living words are breathing right under my chin right now, and thus I could feel Your breath whenever I want. This very privilege that I’ve long taken for granted may be a long-waited gift for so many. The book read by the trillions, and the book that’s never stepped down from the top best selling book in the world is Your Book. My eyes oftentimes grow weary at less (spiritually) entertaining words in Your Book. Every fault is on me, who haven’t  given a well deserved amount of heed to Your words. All blames should fall on me, who’ve deliberately picked and chosen certain sections in the Bible only to read the easy parts but avoid the hards. 

Tonight I read Joshua 16-18. The three chapters read to me as if they are a mere account of history. They are not, however, just a historical record. It is rather a record that proves why every word scribed in Your Book is breathing, and why I should believe in what’s being told there. I, unfortunately, yet struggle to fully believe in You. Like Moses, Joshua, and most recently Caleb, I hope I would be able to fully believe in Your words and dare not to counter them. 

Father, a story of the Canaanite woman narrated in Matthew 15:21-28 disturbed my conscience this afternoon at church. Her degree of perseverance and resilience is what I should’ve learned a long time ago. “Lord,” “Lord, help me!” “Yes, Lord,” implored the woman persistently to God despite a sequence of daunting spiritual tests. “O woman, your faith is great; it shall be done for you as you wish,” eventually responded God to the woman’s supplication — for her perseverance and resilience He could not overlook. 

“You of little faith, why did you doubt?” You questioned to Peter in Matthew 14. I of less than the little faith am writing this prayer to You, my good Sire. The earthly reality I am living in isn’t friendly to me. A daily melee wasn’t in fact the one of which I should be concerned. What I should instead be concerned of is whether I feel His words breathing inside me, and whether I am all prepared to politely ask Him to maneuver my each every day however He likes. 

“For what I am doing I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate,” reads Romans 7:15. Father, I dearly hope and pray the very opposite of Romans 7:15 will manifest in my tomorrow, day after tomorrow, and beyond. 

For real.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

May 16, 2021

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Joshua 13-15 — Not favor, but supplication from Sean to You

The word “fully” by dictionary means — “completely or to the furthest extent.” To do a thing completely requires dedication and undistracted heart. To pull a thing to the furthest extent requires perseverance and resilience. A man named Caleb described in Joshua 14 added the word “fully” at the end of declaration of his faith before he handed a favor to God. “Nevertheless my brethren who went up with me made the heart of the people melt with fear; but I followed the Lord my God fully,” declared Caleb in Joshua 14:8. “Because you have followed the Lord my God fully…” acknowledged Joshua of Caleb’s so-far dedication and unwavering heart toward Him in Joshua 14:9. After all, Caleb received what he had wanted from God. Though not delineated in the Bible, his days after having faithfully stuck to His commands despite a plethora of doubts must have had been prosperous  — for God would’ve awarded him big for the “full” dedication he presented to Him. 

The reward for having successfully defied a slew of spiritual challenges was God responding to a long-waited prayer, as shown in Caleb’s episode. 

I am sorry, Sire, that I haven’t been giving You my full dedication. Even while in Your chamber, a myriad of “other” thoughts flood inside me, hampering my conscious efforts to not think about anything else but God alone while attending church service, praising Your name, mumbling prayer, or reading Bible. I am sorry, Sire, that even right now I am not giving You my full dedication. 

I wasn’t going to write You a short prayer at the end of this letter; but I think I should.

Father who was, has been, is, and will forever be by my side whenever I tread, thanks for the words You’ve had me read tonight; and thanks for the alarming call that rings vigorously inside me. Whether I feel prepared or not, Father, please let me not delay any further to serve Your will. This isn’t a favor, but a supplication from Sean to You. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

May 15, 2021

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Joshua 10-12 — How could I be Your ‘faithful servant’?

Father, the sermon I received at church tonight was indeed inspiring. The fact that You never let David go alone should have nurtured and comforted my troubled heart. Psalm 119:71 — which reads: “It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes” — should be my everyday confession to You, but it is not. Your assurance granted to Joshua and his people who were expecting a deluge of enemy’s attacks into their land should have come reassuring to me, but it did not. 

“Do not be afraid because of them, for tomorrow at this time I will deliver all of them slain before Israel,” You said to Joshua, who was trembling before the outnumbering enemy in Joshua 11:6. 

Before Joshua was Moses, who the Bible described a “servant” of the Lord. Like Moses had done, Joshua did exactly what he was told to do by God. “You shall hamstring their horses and burn their chariots with fire,” told God to Joshua. “(Joshua) hamstrung their horses and burned their chariots with fire,” delineated Joshua’s faithful execution of His command in Joshua 11:9. 

Faithful servant of the Lord who does what the Lord commands him or her to do without a complaint or whine was Moses, then Joshua. Their steadfastness is well worth learning; adapting their unwavering faith in You will be a darn long-haul endeavor; and reading about their ability to faithfully execute whatever orders handed from God makes me feel low. 

I was told in high school that history will eventually be repeated in future. The Bible is a compilation of historical events.

My good Sire, could what You did to Moses and Joshua be re-done in my life? 

Yes?

From Sean to Him

May 14, 2021

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Joshua 7-9 — Foggy future days

Father, my future days are still much foggy. Even with a brightest headlight, the road ahead of me isn’t clearly visible. There will likely be many bumps trying to hamper my ride on the way. Father, at every bump I will face from now on, please let me not get frightened at it, but slow myself down, and drive over each bump at ease, hopefully with You. 

Like how Joshua cried out to You at the brink of enemy’s attack into the land thought to be safe and prosperous, and like how You heard and responded to his cry by expelling the enemy out of the land, Father, will You also hear my cry and respond? 

Understood that my cry may be of a selfish intention, more like a supplication from Sean to You to satisfy my earthly ambition and greed. Nevertheless, I want to think as if my thought and plan for tomorrow somewhat corresponds to Yours as well. If not, what other motives could I possibly seek to spend tomorrow? If my tomorrow’s plan goes against Your will, what other motivations could I otherwise pursue to keep myself rolling? 

Granted that what I’ve written up so far may read like my trying to masturbate spiritually, Father, please know, really please know I do need every possible help from whoever, preferably You. 

“So the men of Israel took some of their provisions, and did not ask for the counsel of the Lord,” reads Joshua 9:14.

My good Sire, I hope and pray the direct opposite of what the men did in Joshua 9:14 is what I will do today, tomorrow, and beyond. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

May 13, 2021

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Joshua 4-6 — Strike to my conscience

Father, it’s 2:43 a.m. I came home around 1ish a.m. I could’ve written this up well before 2, but chose to do other things while putting off writing to You. Today, I attended a Wednesday church service with a good friend of mine, and boy I felt as if I was being constantly reprimanded while tuning into the sermon, 

Father, remember those days when I too often complained about (to me) seemingly dull contents in the books of Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy? Remember my cold attitude toward Your words in these books? Sundry laws and various rituals vastly constituted the books, and boy I didn’t like reading about them — in that not only they were difficult to understand but also could I hardly find any line worth quoting in my devotions. 

“For if you truly amend your ways and your deeds …… nor walk after other gods to your own ruin,” reads Jeremiah 7:5-6, setting up a reason why it’s vital to know and follow the laws written by God. “Then I will let you dwell in this place,” reads Jeremiah 7:7, a strike to my conscience, and what-will-be hardly forgettable reprimand to my arrogant stance to Your words. 

On my way back home, inside a metro, I was reprimanded, once again, while reading through Joshua 4-6. The people of Israel, who had long forgotten about an unmeasurable amount of graces undeservedly received from God, was deserted by God, because “they did not listen to the voice of the Lord,” as written in Joshua 5:6. 

For those who remained protected after His cruel judgements, He gave them a city for them to dwell, and said they would prosper in the new city as long as they stayed loyal to His orders and keep themselves “from the things under the ban,” as written in Joshua 6:17-18. 

Had I been arrogant to Your words, had I been disloyal to Your orders, and had I taken Your grace for granted, oh Father, what would need to be done to vindicate myself from all these sins? 

I ain’t sure, Sire. I need a guidance, first spiritual one then professional. 

From Sean to Him

May 12, 2021

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Joshua 1-3 — Like wandering sheep scouting for its shepherd

Father, I am in the midst of another lone work day. I am like a wandering sheep pathetically scouting for its shepherd. Standing in the middle of directionless land, without a skill to look the sides, but rather with a stubbornness that defies a shortcut to an easier life, Father, I’ll just keep treading.

It’s been darn difficult to read Your words in recent weeks. Pressures stemmed from disappointment in my work performance have weighed on my shoulders. Not even a dim light seemed to shed through my life tunnel. Negative thoughts once occupied my limited thought storage. Days ahead of me, I did not want to welcome. I should’ve politely asked You to shoulder some of my seemingly over-weighted burdens; but I chose not to. Why? Oh I don’t know. Maybe I yet want to spot the shepherd on my won, without anyone’s help. 

As always, right under my chin sits the New American Standard Bible, this time showing me the first three chapters of the Book of Joshua. A phrase “Be strong and courageous” is repeated several times throughout the chapters. Then, before the phrase appears an adverb that’s made my mind boggle. “Only be strong and very courageous” in doing what God’s charged you to do, reads Joshua 1:7. “Anyone who rebels against your command and does not obey your words in all that you command him, shall be put to death; only be strong and courageous,” solemnly responded the people of Israel to Joshua’s commands handed from God. 

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go,” said Joshua to his beloveds on His behalf in Joshua 1:9. 

No further comment, my good Sire

From Sean to Him

May 11, 2021

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Deuteronomy 31-34 — Moses’ last counsel

From Genesis to Deuteronomy, I’ve been following the chronicle of Moses, who once couldn’t caste away his doubts about Your promises but eventually  became a Your most faithful servant after he had personally met You in sight. From birth to death, Moses’ life was filled with turbulences. Though a slew of spiritual challenges tested his belief system, he never got tempted but stood strong in Christ. Likely a spiritual role model to Sean, through Deuteronomy 31-33, Moses delivered his last discipline to his beloved people moments before his death. 

“The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed,” said Moses in Deuteronomy 31:8. Another cliche-like words of encouragement in the Bible, but this time directly from Moses. Should then this line not read like a cliche but words of affirmation? 

“For I know that after my death you will act corruptly and turn from the way which I have commanded you; and evil will befall you in the latter days, for you will do that which is evil in the sight of the Lord, provoking Him to anger with the work of your hands,” warned Moses in Deuteronomy 31:29. 

“Had I not feared the provocation by the enemy, that their adversaries would misjudge, that they would say, ‘Our hand is triumphant, and the Lord has not done all this,’” tested Moses of my conscience as Christian in Deuteronomy 32:27.

“For they are a nation lacking in counsel, and there is no understanding in them,” reprimanded Moses to his beloveds and Sean in Deuteronomy 32:28. 

“Everyone receives of Your words,” affirmed Moses in Deuteronomy 33:3, leaving no room for doubt about God’s presence dwelling inside me.

All these words were by Moses, whom “the Lord knew face to face,” as written in Deuteronomy 34:10. 

No counter argument to words I read tonight, Father. They are not a cliche, but words proven to be true. 

Did I say it right?  

Let me know, my good Sire. 

From Sean to Him

May 10, 2021

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Deuteronomy 28-30 — Your two polarizing tones

The consequences of disobedience were brutal, merciless, and without a spare. Deuteronomy 28 consists of 68 verses, the majority of which enumerates His cruel judgements on those who’ve chosen to defy Your will. 

But in Deuteronomy 30, Your tone starkly juxtaposes with that of chapter 28. Your bottomless mercy overflows; promise stands; compassion speaks; and Your assurance alerts me big.

“You return to the Lord your God and obey Him with all your heart and soul according to all that I command you today……then the Lord your God will restore you, and have compassion on you,” reads Deuteronomy 2-3. 

“(Identifying His commandments) is not too difficult for you, nor is it out of reach…… nor is it beyond the sea,” reprimands Deuteronomy 30:11-13 to Sean, a man who’s long thought it isn’t his 100 percent fault to do things against His words, for His real intent behind the words is just impossible to know. 

“But the word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may observe it,” Deuteronomy 30:14 reads, a counter punch to Sean’s old, misguided ego. 

No further words, my good Sire. Good night

From Sean to Him

May 9, 2021

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Deuteronomy 25-27 — Emotionally difficult day

Father, today was an emotionally difficult day. Due to my careless behavior, I spoiled my parents’ special day. You’ve long told me I ought to love and respect my parents as much as I can; and today, I once again have failed to follow Your commandment. Father, throughout Deuteronomy I’ve been reading about various laws and orders You told the people of Israel to follow; and those who breaches any of these laws and orders is to be cursed, as told in the last verse of Deuteronomy 27. 

Father, I am one of those men who think it’s OK to not care too much about following Your commandments. My understanding Sire, I am like those people of Israel who were too impatient that they manufactured a god for themselves to sooth their anxieties and fears. 

“The Lord has today declared you to be His people…… that you should keep all His commandments,” reads Deuteronomy 26:18. 

My good Sire, it’s darn difficult to act as much considerate and careful like Moses; it’s darn difficult to watch my own careless language to not incur emotional damage on others. Whether it’s done intentionally or not doesn’t matter. In recent days, my thoughtless behaviors and word choices have hurt my friend, parents, and sister. Father, where could I find and evict all the wrongs hiding inside me? Too many wrongs still dictate my behaviors. I want to change, and be renewed, if I ever know how. 

From Sean to Him

May 8, 2021

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Deuteronomy 22-24 — The word ‘Egypt’

It’s half an hour till the start of another Friday night worship service. Right in front of me stands the worship band chanting a phrase — “His everlasting love will free you, and pacify your troubled heart.” Father, it’s almost become my routine to visit You every Friday. Every gospel I sing on Friday softens my agitated heart; sermons to which I’ve listened so far have reprimanded my wrong pasts; and every 40-minute long prayer time almost always has rendered me a sweetest retreat away from daily stress and pressure. 

Father, I am sitting in the midst of Your chamber. From every wall resonates a harmonious chorus praising Your name. Isn’t here a most soothing place I could seek after having battled my life from Monday morning to Friday early evening? Twenty minutes till the start of the service, Father, am I ready? Am I ready to offer my everything to You tonight? Am I ready to torment my arms and throat to present my best worship to You? 

If I may quote a line from my today’s reading on the Bible, Deuteronomy 24:18 reads: “But you shall remember that you were a slave in Egypt, and that the Lord your God redeemed you from there.” Not sure why, but the word “Egypt” really pokes my conscience right now, my good Sire. I ain’t sure what sort of metaphor should I compare with the word “Egypt” to help me understand a context behind the verse 18. But for an unaccounted reason, Father, I felt and still am feeling reprimanded by the word “Egypt.” 

My selfless Sire, it’s 8:46 p.m. Thirteen minutes after I will start clapping hands and shouting Your name. Father, the only favor I am politely asking You right at this moment is help me think about nothing else but You from the very start of the worship service to the end. Please bar any work-related thought from interrupting my supposedly dedicated time with You, Sire. 

Father, I am worried, nervous, and internally sweaty. Another nerve-racking day is racing toward the end line. Time really goes faster than I hope. It really does, making me feel even more anxious of future days ahead of me. 

It’s now 8:53 p.m. Seven minutes till I’ll come forth to Your alter. Let me pause here for now. Father, I will see You soon, in less than seven minutes. 

It’s 2:03 a.m. I am home. Relaxed, and cozy. Three and a half hours ago, to You, I was crying like a six years old. I didn’t say a word while crying. But after done with crying, I felt refreshed, lighter, and relieved. While crying, I couldn’t enunciate a word. In fact, I was almost out of my mind that I ain’t sure whether I even intended to pray to You or simply just wanted to burst my emotion out to the air. Nevertheless, my good Sire, I like to believe You have heard my unspoken words and are planning to respond to my cry-like prayer at a time You deem most appropriate. 

“May those who wait for You not be ashamed through me, O Lord God of hosts; May those who seek You not be dishonored through me, O God of Israel,” Psalm 69:6 reads. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

May 7, 2021

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Deuteronomy 19-21 — Please help me professionally, just for this time

“When you go out to battle against your enemies and see horses and chariots and people more numerous than you, do not be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, who brought you up from the land of Egypt, is with you. When you are approaching the battle, the priest shall come near and speak to the people…… Do not be fainthearted. Do not be afraid, or panic, or tremble before them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you,” reads Deuteronomy 20:1-5. 

Father, the fact that You will fight for me against enemies surrounding my life is too much for me to accept. I don’t want You to be a lone fighter in the war for which I am responsible. I should be the frontline fighter in this ongoing, inner war; and having You as my primary ally would really enhance my fighter spirit. The problem is, Father, though I know I am in the midst of war against myself, I haven’t been able to define the war I am battling. It’s here inside me. It’s been bothering me both spiritually and professionally. It’s been one of several causes that have had me continue to walk in a dark alley.

What have I been battling so hard internally, Father? Every Friday since February, whether I did so in silence or outspokenly, I’ve asked You to help me spend each every day according to Your will; I’ve asked You to help me spend each every day in a more constructive fashion; I’ve asked You to help me conquer procrastination that always renders gnawing anguish on me; I’ve asked You to help me take a more serious, heartfelt attitude to Your words; and I’ve asked You to help me be able to trust in You completely. 

Father, I have hardly asked You to help me professionally, for I believed it was my responsibility to take care of my professional work. But, likely for the first time in a while, last night at church, for about three to five minutes, I bluntly asked You to help me professionally. My good Sire, last Saturday I submitted a project pitch I had prepared for nearly two months. To write the pitch, I conducted several in-person interviews, made at least dozens of calls, scrutinized a ream of academic research papers, and plucked at least a handful of hairs out of my poor head while writing the pitch. Father, unless this pitch gets approved, I can’t really do any further work. Through Deuteronomy You’ve told me to not be afraid for You will fight for me to save me. Father, likely the first time in a while, here I want to bluntly ask You to help me professionally, and help pull this troubled man named Sean Na out from a deep professional swamp.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

May 6, 2021

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Deuteronomy 16-18 — Overcoming spiritual impasse

I may have been undergoing a spiritual impasse that’s been hampering me to write devotions in sincerity in recent weeks. There seems to be a widening disharmony between my desire and Your will. Father, I, for the first time in probably 20 years, attended a Wednesday church service. And I, for the first time in a while, did pray out loud to You for nearly five minutes at church tonight. Furthermore, not trying to brag in any mean, but I’ve been pretty darn regular at both Friday and Sunday services. I’ve been trying every mean to break through the impasses. Contrary to my expectations, Father, it’s rather getting harder and harder for me to write devotions. Writing a 800-word devotions every day was once a norm to me several months ago; but now, I too often encounter trouble writing a few hundred words to You. 

“When you enter the land which the Lord your God gives you,” reads Deuteronomy 18:9 enumerating a list of “detestable” things Lord hates to see me doing. One of prerequisites to enter His land, Deuteronomy 18:13 says, is “be blameless before the Lord your God.”

Father, it’s 2:57 a.m. I indeed had a very blissful yesterday. I shared a lot of laughs and good stories with a good friend of mine. After the great time with the friend, I walked into Your alter, listened to a nearly hour-long sermon, and prayed outspokenly to You. If I were to be spiritually sane, and if I were to remain heartfelt before You, Father, I should’ve been exuberantly and honestly sharing how May the fifth served my spiritual life with You. But I can’t. More specifically, I can’t think of anything worthy to discuss here. 

I almost slept through the sermon at church. The pastor used an array of Bible verses as references to the point that we are all meant to be used for His missionary purpose. What specifics are included in His missionary purpose? Oh I don’t know. What are the “detestable” things that He hates to see me doing? Oh boy I wish I know. What should I do tomorrow to remain blameless before the Lord? Just doing the same ole’ journalism work as I’ve been in months and months? Or should I try doing something else? 

It’s 3:11 a.m. now, my good Sire. I hope my inquiries are well on their way to Your inbox. And, I hope You will read each of them, and respond. 

Thanks,

From Sean to Him

May 5, 2021

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Deuteronomy 13-15 — Am I good in Christ, inside?

“You shall not listen to the words of that prophet or that dreamer of dreams; for the Lord your God is testing you to find out if you love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul,” reads Deuteronomy 13:3. 

Father, it’s another difficult night to write devotions. It’s another difficult night to write devotions in a way I should have intended, but unfortunately not. And, it’s another difficult night to accept a famous cliche from the Bible. 

Do I love You with all my heart and soul? At least several dozens of times since July, I’ve told You that I want nothing but my sincerity to be included in each every devotions. This afternoon, around 4:45 p.m., on my way to the dental clinic, I was thinking about how I wanted to write this devotions; what kind of fancies could be added to this devotions; and which fancy episode from my short life should I bluntly discuss to make this devotions emotionally appealing. During the 25-minute walking to the clinic, if I were to think about a devotions I would write later in the evening, I should’ve been feeling excited for another set of loving words of Yours I would read in the Bible. But I wasn’t at all excited about the fact that I would once again read Your words before heading to bed tonight. In fact, I hadn’t even known which chapters in the Bible I would read until I checked the chapters I read yesterday. 

Father, do I really love You? Am I really loving You with all my heart and soul. I do get emotional almost every time when I sing along with the worship band. I do get inspired when the Pastor Song delivers a sermon based on Psalm. And, I do weep and often cry when the Friday worship band sets a mood for prayer. 

On the outside, I seem to be a good Christian. But, I ain’t sure whether I am really good in Christ inside. Father, really, I ain’t sure whether I tune more toward Your words or words of so-called pundits. 

It’s 3:06 a.m. I am tired. Ready to be in bed. But, there’s something hanging inside my mind. It’s troubling, really is — troubling.

From Sean to Him

May 4, 2021

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Deuteronomy 10-12 — Disinviting another god inside me

My eyes stopped for few minutes at the last line of the verse 28 in Deuteronomy 11. Your tone in the verse was stern. “But (if you) turn aside from the way which I am commanding you today, by following other gods which you have not known,” the Lord your God will set a curse on you,” says the verse. 

Father, I don’t quite understand Your words as (almost) always. What does it mean by “following other gods” that I haven’t known? What could be a or more gods that I may have been worshipping without recognizing them? Under the condition that the Holy Scripture never lies, Father, I sure don’t want to be the one receiving curse. 

The title of Deuteronomy 11 is “Rewards of Obedience.” A one-sentence summary of the chapter may be — those who follow Your commands will be blessed, and those who don’t will be cursed. I ain’t sure. I really ain’t sure how many of my old selves I need to throw away; what sort of characteristics I need to learn and adapt; and how I should reorient the way I’ll spent my future days to abide by Your commands and thus invite You to bless my days. 

It’s difficult, Father. Almost unfathomable to figure out what I haven’t long known. My once regular smoking habit could be one god I may have had been worshiping. My once weekly trip to a classic wine bar to mitigate anxieties and stresses could be another god. Other than cigarettes and a glass of old-fashioned that I once regularly invited to help me be oblivious of my challenging surroundings, I can’t really think of other gods I may have been idolizing. 

Could my current worries and fears be another god that’s kept me away from following Your commands? Father, I will likely always carry inner tribulations like fears and worries for as long as I stay in the media industry. Writing in a foreign language is stressful. Trying to persuade reluctant sources to talk to me is emotionally tiring. Having to meet the word limit with so much information needed to be included is overwhelming. About about deadline pressure? Father, if my current worries and fears are the ones that You don’t want me to carry, then, my good Sire, I ain’t sure how to react to Your want. 

It’s really difficult to be sure that a way I choose to live this and that day corresponds to His commands. 

Father, why are You so difficult to know? 

From Sean to Him

May 3, 2021

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Deuteronomy 7-9 — Next paragraph of my life story

Since age 11, You instilled me a lifetime passion which I still holds today; at age 16, You let me fly to the United States to further pursue the passion; at age 19, You helped me get accepted into a school I’d dreamed of; from age 19 to 24, You empowered me to get through a rigorous journalist training; at age 25, You placed me into the state of many rattle snakes and scorpions — in which I held my first full-time reporting job in the land of free press; at age 26, You resumed the journalism fire to burn bright again inside me; at age 27, You introduced me solutions journalism which’s inspired me to further deepen my passion as journalist; at age 28, You purposefully had me fly back to my motherland; and at age almost 29, here I am still doing what I love thanks to Your help. 

Father, I’ve long been oblivious of what You’ve been relentlessly doing for my life. Everything I’ve undeservedly been able to enjoy so far; everything I’ve been given; every place I’ve been able to explore and thus widen my horizon; and every loving, heartfelt person with whom I’ve interacted — all of these that seem to be done in coincidence, I like to believe, were done according to Your master scheme. 

“And houses full of all good things which you did not fill, and hewn cisterns which you did not dig, vineyards and olive trees which you did not plant, and you eat and are satisfied, then watch yourself, that you do not forget the Lord who brought you from the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery,” reads Deuteronomy 6:11-12. 

Father, only a few paragraphs have been written in my life story. There remain at least several dozens of paragraphs to be written to complete the story. So far in my 28 years and 11 months of life, You’ve always been voyaging with me wherever my life boat sails; but I’ve too often forgotten to thank You for Your help and guidance. On Jan. 1, I solemnly wrote You that I would thank You as much as I could every day. My solemn declaration was to consciously remind myself of Your unconditional grace that’s been being outpoured on my everyday life. But I have not recognized You nor thanked You as much as I should’ve. 

Father, I was greatly reprimanded while reading Deuteronomy 8:12-14. Like what the verses say, I’ve long been a free rider who takes Your grace for granted. I have grown proud, grown stubborn, and grown defiant to Your disciplines. 

My good Sire, today and tomorrow I will anxiously be waiting for an email from a newspaper with which I’ve long wanted to work. Whether the email reads positive or negative, Father, all I hope is that I won’t be discouraged but will keep on pedaling however bad or good the email would read to me. 

You know journalism is where my passion lies. I can’t leave this field. And I hope You think the same with me as well.

Lord, where will my life boat sail the next? 

From Sean to Him

May 2, 2021

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Deuteronomy 4-6 — The ‘Great Fire’ inside me

You alone is worthy of every praise and reverence. No other names can replace Your name. Everything I’ve been undeservedly enjoying comes from God. The Bible should always be the ultimate blueprint to my life. At this moment of my writing devotions, His presence is here with me. I was able to power through the five-hour marathon of writing and researching this afternoon thanks to Him. 

Father, how did my words just sound to You? Didn’t they sound good to You? Did my words read as if my faith in You were stronger than ever before? Candidly speaking, my good Sire, I deliberately tried to write in a flattering manner because I know — I haven’t given You the amount of praise and reverence You deserve; I have taken everything You’ve provided to my life for granted; I haven’t opened up the Bible when in distress, but sought beers or cigarettes instead; and after I was done with the five-hour marathon this early evening, instead of thanking You, I celebrated myself with three bottles of beer. 

“Houses full of all good things which you did not dig, vineyards and olive trees which you did not plant, and you eat and are satisfied, then watch yourself, that you do not forget the Lord who brought you from the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery,” reads Deuteronomy 6:11-12. 

No further comment to the verse 11 and 12. I better not add any further to the verses themselves, for they have already greatly reprimanded me. 

I started reading Deuteronomy 4-6 half an hour after I finished drinking three bottles of beer. I knew I shouldn’t feel drunk while reading Your words. Here proves my wickedness and immaturity, once again. I felt almost half asleep while reading the chapters. Then, one word in chapter four woke me up, The word was “distress” found in Deuteronomy 4:30, which reads: “When you are in distress and all these things have come upon you, in the latter days you will return to the Lord your God and listen to His voice.” Oh my good Father, am I still allowed to return to You? After having disappointed You countless number of times, am I yet eligible to stay in Your chamber? Father, on verse 36 of chapter four You assured me You will let me hear Your voice finally when I get invited in Your house; but until then, while on earth, You will set Your “great fire” inside me to let it guide Sean Na into a right direction. Father, am I feeling the great fire inside me? To where the fire is shattering its embers? 

Father, I felt drunk an hour ago, but I feel completely sober now. Your mind-piercing words woke me up. Father, I was able to lay off the month-old burden that’d been “too heavily” weighing on my shoulders. I know I should’ve first thanked You before I started doing anything stupid. But I forgot to thank You first, my understanding Sire.

If it isn’t too late, thank You my Lord. Really, thank You. 

From Sean to Him

May 1, 2021

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Deuteronomy 1-3 — Father, I no longer want to pretend

It’s 2:49 a.m. Boy, it’s late. Right under my chin sits my old Bible presenting me the first two pages of Deuteronomy. About 40 minutes before the start of the Friday’s service, I, with my legs crossed, was reading Deuteronomy 1-3. To a young lady who was sitting two seats away from me, I may have been viewed a real devout Christian who can’t just let his hands off the Bible 24/7. It’s true that my eyes were busy rolling side to side to read Deuteronomy; and it’s true that I was indeed reading it word by word. But that was it. I was merely reading the chapters without trying to understand the contexts. 

Nevertheless, I did underline several lines. “You are this day like the stars of heaven in number. May the Lord, the God of your fathers, increase you a thousandfold more than you are and bless you just as He has promised you,” told Moses to the people of Israel, explaining the Divine promise on His behalf in Deuteronomy 1:10-11. “The Lord your God who goes before you will Himself fight on your behalf, just as He did for you in Egypt before your eyes,” told Moses in Deuteronomy 1:30. “He has known your wanderings through this great wilderness,” says Deuteronomy 2:7. And, “Do not fear them, for the Lord your God is the one fighting for you……for what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do such works and mighty acts as Yours?” says Deuteronomy 3:22-24. 

All these underlined lines, they are straight to the points, easy to understand, and of course encouraging to read. They are all so called — “feel-good words” — by my own term. 

Father, I no longer want to be a superficial reader of Your words. I want to dive deep into the Scripture, instead. On the outside, I may have been viewed very serious about the Bible. But inside, I am not. I no longer want to pretend. I don’t, really, want to fake You (though You are never gullible). It doesn’t add any goodness to my relationship with You. 

A change is what I need. It’s 3:19 a.m. Father, in the next five minutes before heading to bed, I will close my eyes and try to have a man-to-man chat with You. Like how a son tries to seek guidance from a father. Are You here with me? 

OK, let’s chat, my good Father. 

From Sean to Him

April 30, 2021

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Numbers 34-36 — My good Sire, I feel troubled reading Your words

Father, a friend who’s led me into this ongoing spiritual endeavor is writing her reflection right in front of me. We both read Numbers 34-36. As soon as she finished reading the chapters, she picked up her phone and started writing her immediate, heartfelt reaction to Your living words recklessly on her Galaxy. Her fingers are barely stopping. It’s just surreal how she is able to write You a thoughtful reflection moments after having finished reading Your words. 

Unlike me who has to doodle around a good amount of time with a pen and a notepad to get mentally ready to write devotions, Father, her posture is fixed on You; her fingers are busy typing words in sincerity; and her eyes are making sure all of words she’s so far typed up read earnest to You. 

It’s 1:37 a.m. About six hours ago I learned a great lesson from my friend. Her attitude toward You was serious. She didn’t at all care about her surroundings while thinking of You. And after she finished writing her reflection, she closed her eyes and prayed “outspokenly” to thank You for what she learned from Your words. 

Oh God, it’s now 2:09 a.m. For more than 20 minutes, I was once again doodling around. It took me nearly four hours to pull my Bible out of the backpack. This is the fourth paragraph of this letter, and I haven’t yet discussed anything related to Numbers 34-36.

Father, I don’t know. I really don’t know what verse from Numbers 34-36 do I want to discuss. I did underline Numbers 35:12 and 15. But I am afraid I may have misunderstood the underlined verses. Numbers 35:15 reads: “These six cities shall be for refuge for the sons of Israel, and for the alien and for the sojourner among them; that anyone who kills a person unintentionally may flee there.” What the heck, Father..? Why would You spare Your grace to those who have killed an innocent? Whether it’s intentional or not, murder is murder. Nothing changes. What’s a spiritual implication behind the verse 15? How am I supposed to consume the verse? Am I one of those sojourners or the aliens? Or would the countess number of sins I’ve committed against You entitle me to be one of those unintentional murderers who nonetheless received Your grace?

My good Sire, the last four verses of the Book of Numbers started with a phrase — “Just as the Lord had commanded Moses.” After the phrase came a sequence of people all of who did what You had commanded them, just like Moses. 

Darn it, Sire. I feel troubled now. I thought my quoting of Numbers 36:10 would propel me to write something thoughtful to You. But, shoot. I can’t. Father, I just freaking can’t.

Sorry.

From Sean to Him

April 29, 2021

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Numbers 31-33 — Unwelcoming habit of my own

It’s 7:16 p.m. I haven’t read the daily assigned Bible reading yet. I just want to write to You in the midst of my work day. Father, moments ago I realized an unwelcoming habit of my own. I never feel hesitant whenever writing casual texts to friends or writing letters to You for most times; but, when it comes to trying to write a professional text, whether it’s a pitch form, grant proposal, or story, I do find myself involuntarily getting hesitant, or sometimes even fearful of what I would find out once this pending work gets all written up and sent to a newspaper. This indescribable fear has been holding me back. It’s been holding me tighter than I could bear. It’s 7:21 p.m. now. My good Father. Please let me not hold onto this unwelcoming habit. OK. Here I go.

Good to see You again, Father. It’s now 2:20 a.m. Boy, my eyelids are getting heavier; mouth’s yearning; but I got to write this up and send it to You before I lay myself on the bed. My good Sire, several hours ago I read Numbers 31-33. I may have (once again) mis-read Your words; but to my short-sighted eyes, Your words scribed in Numbers 33:55-56 read really personal to me. This evening I discussed my unwelcoming habit with You. Father, as You ordered Moses and his followers to expel the inhabitants from the land of Canaan in which God told Moses and his people to seize and rule — in that by allowing the inhabitants to stay in the land wouldn’t do any good to Moses and his people, Father, could You sovereignly order me to expel the unwelcoming habit of my own, which has rendered no good to my daily progress? 

It’s a huge favor, I know. And, I also know I am not in a position in which I could ask You to order me to do something to my benefits. But, Father, I’ve lost too many fights against myself, and I no longer want to remain as loser. I can’t win this fight by myself. I need Your strength, resilience, and boldness. 

My door is wide open, my good Sire. Please come in whenever You can. 

Thanks.

From Sean to Him

April 28, 2021

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Numbers 28-30 — Rough fight to keep myself disciplined before You

I read Your words, indeed word by word. Various laws of offerings, and a sacred meaning of the vow made to the Lord were what I read. Father, during my short life on earth I’ve made too many promises to You, and hardly any of them was kept. “This is the word which the Lord has commanded. If a man makes a vow to the Lord, or takes an oath to bind himself with a binding obligation, he shall not violate his word; he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth,” reads Numbers 30:1-2. The word vow shoulders a far heavier burden than the word promise. Father, is this why it’s ridiculously hard to live according to the Bible? I am certainly not ready to make any vow to You. As a person who’s long thought it’s OK to not keep any of promises made to You, how on earth would I ever dare to make a vow to You? Though I haven’t found it yet, I am sure various places in the Bible would surely discuss a judgement of God to those who have willfully breached promises made to the Lord. (Ah, Numbers 14:34 bluntly discusses what Your judgement be like to a perpetual violator of Your commands). 

Father, I personally believe a fight against myself is the hardest fight to win; and a promise made to myself is the hardest promise to keep. But, Father, though I don’t really want to admit, I believe I have long tended to place a lightest weigh on promises I’ve made to You. For You have never been visible to me, and for I could never know whether my treacheries are getting punished or acquitted. I may have long considered my words of promise to You a piece of junk. 

It’s really a rough fight, Father, to keep myself disciplined before You. Last night, I was lectured that I need to take an extra heed at my every-minute behavior for He is watching me at every millisecond, I was being inspired at the moment of listening to the lecture; but soon after I saw myself going back to my old, undisciplined self. 

Are You watching me right now, my good Father? How am I behaving to You? Am I doing alright? Am I doing OK enough that You wouldn’t consider my today’s behaviors a treachery to Your order? I would never know of Your answer to all these questions. 

Maybe it’s a good thing to my end that I can’t hear nor see You, 

From Sean to Him

April 27, 2021

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Numbers 25-27 — Halfhearted letter to You

It’s difficult, Father, especially after I read someone else’s reflection based on the same Biblical chapters on which I’ve been also trying to reflect, to write my own. It’s difficult to write a reflection based on the Biblical chapters that I barely understood. And, it’s double difficult to write my own while self-admiting that I may have to fake my emotions and feelings to fill a sizable set of words into this blank sheet of online paper. 

Numbers 25-27 were what I read about four hours ago. And about half an hour ago, I revisited the three chapters, hoping I could catch something insightful that I may have missed for the first time; but I didn’t catch anything new. My friend wrote a heartfelt reflection based on Numbers 27: 12-16. Moses submissive attitude to the Lord was what seemed to inspire my friend tonight. I read the five verses in chapter 27 three times; but boy, I ain’t sure, really not sure how these verses could read inspiring. Maybe my emotion is just depleted right now that to my tonight’s eyes, everything reads dull and mundane. 

It’s a difficult night, Sire. I could write more by faking my emotions. But I know I better not do so. Father, I’ve not been able to write You an OK reflection in recent weeks. It’s troubling that as I get busier with my earthly work, I am getting more OK with writing a halfhearted letter to You. While I know I should always prioritize studying You over anything else, my earthly greed and ambition isn’t letting me do it.

No further comments. My apologies for having You read another halfhearted letter. 

From Sean to Him

April 26, 2021

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Numbers 22-24 — My version of OK offering to You

Father, it’s 12:58 a.m. Another cup of Americano will be my lone friend for tonight. But please know, I wouldn’t mind befriending another friend, and hope that would be You. 

This afternoon inside a metro train en route to Samil Church, I was reading Numbers 22-24; and boy, I was startled twice while getting myself absorbed into the chapters. I was startled the first time when reading about “seven bulls” and “seven rams” being prepared to be offered to the Lord. The number seven means perfection in the Bible. Though never described, Balaam and Balak must have spent countless days and nights to present a perfect offering to You. They must have known what they were doing was for You alone. No excuse would allow them to slack off while preparing the offering. No time to be wasted. No time to lollygag. They must have known, and thus must have put their most scrupulous efforts to welcome You into their midst. And, You indeed came and received the offering, as told in Numbers 23:4 — part of which reads: “Now God met Balaam.”

Father, at church today I was sermoned that I would never be able to catch Your sign; and was also sermoned that my inability to catch Your sign is meant to keep myself humble before You. Father, how have I been doing to You? Have I been putting an appropriate amount of efforts to welcome You into my midst? Could my to-do list for this coming week be a part of preparation to present You my version of perfect offering? After this letter gets sent to You, I will get into another hours of writing, editing, and researching. Could the next several hours be spent in a way You like? I know I will never know whether You are pleased with my decision to spend the next several hours; nevertheless, I hope You are, and I also hope You are eagerly waiting to receive my offering — when it gets finally ready. 

Father, I was startled the second time upon learning that Balaam “set his face toward the wilderness” in which no welfare was promised. Father, what do I need to do to embrace Balaam’s sense of determination? What do I need to do to adapt his sense of commitment in serving You? What do I need to do to grow brave and bold like Balaam? As wicked like I am, every day, I am driven to seek an easier, more comfortable way to spend tomorrow. As selfish like I am, every day, I try my best to circumvent a difficult situation. And as sly like I am, every day, I try to find every possible excuse to validate my slacking offs. It’s 1:26 a.m. now. I will be in a work mode until 7ish a.m. In between those times, how much would I slack off? And how would I try to excuse myself from slacking off? Oh God, I don’t even want to think about it. 

Father, here I go. Another long night ahead, and another lone battle ahead. But I know I am not alone for You will be with me throughout this night. 

Thanks for reading this letter. Good night to me, and good night to You. 

From Sean to Him

April 25, 2021

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Numbers 19-21 — Senseless

Once again, my eyes hit the end of Numbers 21. And that was it. No fruit harvested. No gold excavated. None of my five senses was triggered while reading Numbers 19-21. Ah, I lied. The taste was only one being triggered for a short period, thanks to a strawberry cream filled moon cake that was gone in swift seconds. 

A book filled with life lessons and knowledge all of which are super hard to miss is called the Bible, according to a slew of Sunday sermons and Bible studies I’ve attended. Every word in the Bible counts, a good friend of mine told me about a week ago while heading back home from church. “It’s a blessing that you’ve been reading the Bible every day!” my devout mom praised of my newly built habit at a dinning table tonight. 

My friend and mother, thanks for your words, but I’ve been having trouble feeling love and care of His while reading words in His Book. Words appearing on the Bible read just like words I read every day on newspapers or magazines. I should’ve been reading the Bible as if I were attending a book sharing event with God, but I don’t. Almost an hour has passed since I finished reading another three chapters in Numbers. Aaron died, and the people of Israel mourned for him for 30 days. That’s all I remember from my reading — a death of one Biblical character — but nothing else. 

Should I revisit the chapters and try to catch what I may have missed the first time? No. I have work to do. It is a pity that as I am writing this (supposedly) to Him I am thinking of a work I will do as soon as this letter gets sent to You. Father, it’s really a pity that though I was sermoned just last night that my life should be centered around Your purpose, I’ve consciously chosen to let my greed and ambition take the center position of my April the 24th, as usual. 

Tomorrow is Sunday. I will be in Your chamber tomorrow afternoon for an hour. I will be praising Your name along with the worship band. I will be listening to the sermon, and will likely be taking notes with my legs crossed. And I will be in the parade rest position when the grace is being delivered from the pastor. I will do all of these as faithfully as possible. But I ain’t sure whether all these acts be done from a pure or crooked motive. I ain’t sure, really, Father. 

Will see.

From Sean to Him

April 24, 2021

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Numbers 16-18 — Too many worries

Father, it’s 2 a.m. It’s dark outside. The air freshener right next to me is buzzing solo. Three hours have passed since I left Your chamber. My nose was running, and my eyes were soaked at the time. During the 40-minute prayer time I barely communicated a word with You, but I was weeping. My emotion was out of control with my eyes closed, legs pounding the floor, and hands squeezing the already disfigured Bible. 

Inside a metro train en route to home, I read Your words in Numbers 16-18. Of course I didn’t understand a word I read in the chapters. My good ole’ American Standard Bible is here with me. I could open it up right now, revisit Numbers 16-18, and try to dissect each every word in the chapters like a legitimate Bible scholar. But I don’t want to, not because I feel lazy and tired but because I just can’t do it. However many times I revisit the chapters I wouldn’t be able to thoroughly understand the chapters. It’s a pity, really is.

At church I was sermoned that my spiritual life should be centered around His purpose, not my. I was sermoned that I shouldn’t feel bad had I felt as if God weren’t responding to my prayers. And I was sermoned that I shouldn’t feel bad if things aren’t going in my favor, for everything around me is all included in a very scheme that God’s long devised just for me. 

Father, 20 minutes prior to the start of tonight’s service I received a very unexpected message from BBC, that the largest British broadcast company wants to have me on its new debate show called “Global Questions” That message greatly disturbed my time with You, Sire, that I couldn’t pay my full attention to the sermon, nor could I give my everything to You during prayer. I apologize, if it isn’t too late. 

Father, I am worried. I am worried about my limited capability. I am worried about my constant stammer. I am worried about my lack of writing skills. Oh God. I am worried about too many things. 

It’s 2:26 a.m. Time for bed. Good night to me, and good night to You, my good Father. 

From Sean to Him

April 23, 2021

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Numbers 13-15 — Father, my heart is still trembling

Father, my heart trembled the third time after I’d read the last verse of Numbers 15, which reads: “I am the Lord your God who brought you out from the land of Egypt to be your God; I am the Lord your God.” 

Last night, I used the word “rebellious” when talking to You. I was blunt in my words, rude in my motive, and reckless in my well intended defiance to Your authority. “Only do not rebel against the Lord,” warned Moses to the defiant people of Israel whose faith was disturbingly shook up by seemingly grey future days ahead. After having watched a brawl between Moses and the people, You told Moses, “How long will this people spurn Me? And how long will they not believe in Me, despite all the signs which I have performed in their midst.” Father, my heart trembled the first time when You used the word “spurn,” and openly expressed Your discontent with the people of Israel, who totally forgot about the fact that they could’ve been long dead had You not pulled them out of Egypt and looked after their safety since then. I acted just like the people of Israel described in Numbers 14 last night, and maybe still am. 

Father, my heart trembled the greatest at Your open disappointment delineated in Number 14:22, which reads: “Surely all the men who have seen My glory and My signs which I performed in Egypt and in the wilderness, yet have put Me to the test these ten times and have not listened to My voice.” Oh God, my understanding Father, what could I do to undo what I wrote to You last night? I was completely oblivious of Your unconditional help and support in every second of my life that I dared to test You in a very ungodly fashion. Remember what I wrote last night to You, Father? If You do, then oh my… If You don’t, if You really don’t, then please don’t ever try to recollect Your memory from last night.

Is it a coincidence that You’ve had me read Numbers 13-15 tonight, and made me feel really regretful of what I’d done to You? Or has it been long included in Your training scheme designed to nurture my lack of faith in You? 

Father, my heart is still trembling. 

Goodness.

From Sean to Him

April 22, 2021

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Numbers 10-12 — Father, what is the how?

Will You, Father, strengthen me tonight? Will You help me cultivate enough gut to break through a seemingly formidable wall? Will You help me grow brave and reckless enough to give a shot? Will You help me be able to welcome the failure if it ever comes again? And will You help me nonetheless stick to Your words? 

A flood of questions, never-ending complaints, and selfish pleas are what’ve constituted most of my letters sent to You so far. Like how Moses, to whom You’d religiously shown Yourself and thus verified Your presence throughout Exodus, Leviticus and Numbers, complained to You in Numbers 11:13-14, this is how I choose to communicate with You, my good Father, tonight. 

My motive to talk to You tonight is beguiled, I admit. I want nothing but Your power. I want nothing but Your strength. And I want nothing but Your wisdom. No more challenge, please. Father, I no longer want to struggle, nor do I wish to comply to Your never-been-spoken command — “Sean, stay strong, and be patient” — ever again. Am I being resistant to You? How do my words tonight read to You? Do I sound rebellious? If so, that’s how I intend my words to sound like to You tonight. 

I am sure You’ll understand however rude this letter would read to You. I haven’t yet found, but I like to believe somewhere in the Bible would surely discuss Your depth of understanding goes deeper than the very bottom of the ocean that You always have enough bandwidth for unrefined, brutish words.

Like how Moses questioned You in Numbers 11, should I “slaughter” and strip away all my greedy ambitions? Is that how You like me to do? If I do that, what good would remain inside me? If I come absolutely ambitionless and ridiculously humble to You, what motive could I possibly seek to spend tomorrow? Serving Your will? Glorifying You? Uplifting Your name?  

You have never told me the how, how to serve Your will, how to glorify You, and how to uplift Your name. You’ve never told me, but still expected me to do all three? Is it more likely You who’s being greedy and ambitious on me? Father, I am not that fancy. I am not capable of doing all of them at once.

You know my capability is limited. You know that so well. Then, why, why have You nonetheless kept me ambitious? Why have You nonetheless not let me give up? How much more weighs of burdens do You want to place on my shoulders? My shoulders aren’t ironclad like Yours. Please know, they are prone to collapse.

From Sean to Him

April 21, 2021

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Numbers 7-9 — How many more, Father?

Father, the further I sail into the Old Testament, the harder it becomes for me to grasp meanings behind Your words. When I was reading books in the New Testament, I tended to underline at least several lines, and had almost no trouble discussing how these underlined lines meant to my life with You. But, Father, from Genesis to Numbers, I almost always have undergone a difficult time to figure out why this line is included here, and what kind of message lies behind this. 

Father, I just finished reading Numbers 7-9, and oh boy. Chapter seven was darn long, and read very repetitive. Chapter eight was less longer, but still dull to read. Chapter nine was read twice by me, because I wanted to understand the meaning of the cloud that covered Your tabernacle — which Moses and his followers sophisticatedly built according to Your commands in Exodus. And just now, I read it the third time; and boy, I still don’t know the meaning. Nevertheless, I underlined the last verse of the chapter, which reads — “At the command of the Lord they camped, and at the command of the Lord they set out; they kept the Lord’s charge, according to the command of the Lord through Moses.” 

Father, this afternoon I went into my blog to check some statistics; and learned I’ve written You more than 280 letters based on Your words since July. While it isn’t included in the statistics, I bet a sizable portion of these 280 letters should’ve discussed my lifetime wish to develop an ability to catch Your everyday command and execute it. 

Father, I haven’t yet built that ability. How many more days should I keep writing You this letter to figure out Your wishes? So far, I’ve written You more than 130,000 words through 280 plus letters. How many more words should I write to You to better understand Your words? And how many more days of struggle should I endure to step into a place You want me to stand and roll? 

Really, Father, how many more?

From Sean to Him

April 20, 2021

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Numbers 4-6 — The blessing

Several Fridays ago, when I was sitting still inside church, an English gospel started resonating Your chamber from the intercom. Its starting lyrics were powerful. “The Lord bless you, and keep you; make His face shine upon You; and be gracious to You. The Lord turn His face toward you, and give you peace,” the song says. Its chorus comprises of just one word — “Amen,” one of most powerful choruses I know. While listening to it my heart was beating. My emotion was rising. My eyes were getting soaked for no reason. And I had to know the name of this gospel. The name of this powerful gospel was — “The Blessing.” 

Since then, I’ve listened to “The Blessing” at least a dozen times a day. Every time I listen to this, I feel as if He were trying to console my weary soul. I ain’t yet ready to shout out “Amen” in confidence. Every Sunday and Friday, I pretend to acting faithful to Him. True con artist would well suit my alternative surname.

Right under my chin sits my good ole’ American Standard Bible presenting me the Book of Numbers chapter six verse 24 to 26. The three verses read — “The Lord bless you, and keep you; The Lord make His face shine on you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance on you, And give you peace.” 

Oh Father… Really, oh Father. Why tonight? Why right now have You decided to raise my emotion again? Father, I am listening to this song “The Blessing” as writing this letter to You. One of lead singers is chanting — “He is for you, He is for you” — over and over. And here comes another “Amen.” 

Father, what further comments could I make here, Sire? How could I delineate my current state of emotion? In the morning, and in the evening, Father, I hope, and pray the word “Amen” would always take the central position in my inner self. 

That’s all. Thank You, Sire, as always.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

April 19, 2021

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Numbers 1-3 — Conquering procrastination

Father, far more than an hour has passed since I sat at my desk with an intention to start writing this letter; and here I am with just a sentence written up. From midnight up until now, all I did was to listen to my YouTube playlist mixed with various Christian songs, linger around the living room, refill water into a coffee maker to fancy myself with a cup of double-shot Americano who’d befriend me throughout this night, and re-sit at this desk trying to conquer procrastination. 

Father, procrastination is my one of many faults. I procrastinate more than I should’ve. I procrastinate more than I am allowed. And I procrastinate more than You let me. It’s a chronic mental disease I’ve been carrying for years. Personally, it’s more dreadful than the COVID-19 pandemic. It’s a never-has-been-welcomed guest to my inner space, but I’ve kept inviting it in so against my will. 

What’s more troubling is that I’ve started feeling OK to procrastinate in writing this letter to You. Goodness. I am truly troubled. I really am. 

There is a work I hope to get it wrapped up in about five hours. The work is almost done, and it only needs to be fine-tuned. It is the work I also badly procrastinated for days and days. Procrastination gives me a temporary mental relief, but nothing more than that. It may be one of major causes to my everyday stress. Almost every Friday at church, I cry and yell at You, hoping my high-pitched, thunderous plea would compel me to put an end to procrastination. But, it hasn’t worked. You just saw me procrastinating, again, tonight. 

While reading Your words scribed in Numbers 1-3, I so wanted to discuss my gut reaction to various census data that You ordered Moses and his followers to collect. After that, I was hoping to discuss how I thought I’ve been acting like Thomas described in John 11, 14, and 20. Father, I was impressed that most of the numbers Moses and his followers collected weren’t rounded up, meaning they took Your orders seriously and worked days and nights to come up with a most accurate number. Father, Thomas had trouble believing in You, just like me; but You worked with him and ultimately propelled him to shout — “My Lord and my God!” 

Oh God, really oh God. I could’ve written a more thoughtful reflection on Your words had I not procrastinated. I am sorry. But this is I, who’s been not at all serious about Your everyday order assigned to me. I should repent, really I should. But how? If I close my eyes right now and repent by repeating “I am sorry Father, would You forgive me?” over and over, what good would it do to myself? Would I be propelled to shout — “My Lord and my God!” — like Thomas did? Would I gain favoritism from You? What about my lack of faith in You? 

“Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed,” You said in John 21:29. I’ve never seen You, nor do I believe in You completely. 

Father, how am I supposed to read John 21:29? I am confused. 

From Sean to Him

April 18, 2021

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Leviticus 25-27 — I am nonetheless thankful, Father

Around 5 a.m., at the Indianapolis International Airport on Sept. 4, I kissed goodbye to my faithful Honda Accord, hugged my beloved American mother, and boarded the airplane departing to Seoul, South Korea. Less than a week before my departure, I was yet hopeful that I would be heading to Olympia, Washington, to take a state government reporting role. But two days before my departure, I was told I would need to wait for at least two months or even more to start my role, I couldn’t afford wasting two months in vain. Thus, I decided to go with my plan B — reporting on existing solutions to various social problems plaguing the world from my motherland. 

Father, the reason I’ve come to Seoul was and still is to do helpful journalism here. The reason I am here is I believe this land needs a journalism done in an un-conventional fashion, a new angle that would sow seeds of hope for the re-bounce, rebuild, and recover. 

Father, for the first time since September, I enjoyed a complete break from journalism today. It was indeed refreshing, though I did get lost a few times while trying to find a shorter way to get to my destination in the middle of Seoul. It would be a lie had I said I didn’t at all think about work. I did think about work, but not as much as I’d done yesterday and before. Father, I still feel pressured, worried, and sometimes even tremble for an unaccounted reason. 

Last night during the sermon, I was taught that my faith in God gets sturdier and sturdier as I continue to confront and conquer a deluge of challenges and struggles that never get dried up in life. Father, thanks for the break You allowed me to enjoy today; and thanks for this ongoing challenge I’ve been battling since September. 

Father, just 30 minutes ago I finished reading the Book of Leviticus, and tomorrow I will start reading the Book of Numbers. I, just like yesterday, had trouble understanding words in Leviticus. I wanted to pay close attention to each every word in it, but I didn’t. I wanted to bring You a most philosophical analysis on Your words, but my dearth of knowledge in Your words didn’t let me. But, at the very least, Father, I am nonetheless thankful that I am once again about to ship this letter to Your mailbox; and I am nonetheless thankful that You would read my words and respond at a time You deem the perfect timing. 

Thanks, Sire.

From Sean to Him

April 17, 2021

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Leviticus 22-24 — Prayer for friend

Father, my apologies in advance that I won’t discuss what I read of Leviticus 22-24 because not only I didn’t grasp a word from the chapters but also there’s something more pressing that I want You to hear and help. 

Today around 10:50 a.m., I received a message from my good friend Hyun that she’d gone to ER at 1:30 a.m. due to an upset inside her stomach. She stayed in a hospital bed until 7ish a.m., couldn’t go to work, stayed home until 8 p.m., but nonetheless went to church to meet You at 9. Her face looked pale; she didn’t seem to walk straight; and she told me she still felt sick. 

Father, Hyun is my good friend, and Your beloved daughter. It seems like daily stress has been piling up inside her and eventually bursted out to poke her yesterday. Father, while still feeling sick, she nonetheless attended a Friday night service to praise Your name. You know how much she loves You and wants to follow Your suit. Father, I am powerless, but You are powerful and almighty. Please help Hyun get a real good night sleep. And when she wakes up the next morning, I hope, and pray she’d get up bright and fresh without feeling any trouble inside her stomach. 

Because of her, I’ve been able to work toward developing a habit of reading three chapters in the Bible every day; and because of her, I’ve been able to set a goal of reading the entire Bible for the first time in life. She’s been a great support to my ongoing endeavor in building a tight-knit relationship with You. 

As much as I am thankful to her support, I hope, and pray You’ve been also feeling grateful to her everyday, relentless endeavor in pursuing Your will. If You are, then Father, please read this devotions carefully, and help her feel better as soon as possible. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

April 16, 2021

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Leviticus 19-21 — Just like talk between father and son

Around this time last night, YouTube algorithm had me listen to a song titled “Talking to Jesus” by Elevation Worship band. Almost a day has passed, and I’ve been listening to this song all day long. Just now, “Just talk to Your Father, like you are His kid,” the song says. Yes, Father. Last night I underwent an inner trouble writing to You; maybe I was daunted because I didn’t think I was spiritually ready to come forth to You; or maybe I was merely feeling restless that I reluctantly scribbled a set of random words without expressing any respect to You.

A talk between a farther and a son should be done without pressure, nor hustle. It should be a casual talk, a pure man-to-man talk. During the previous two Friday night services, while everyone around me was praying out loud in earnest, I kept on mumbling random words that my ears couldn’t even recognize.

“There’s no wrong way to do it, nor bad time to start,” the song says. “It doesn’t have to sound pretty, just tell Him what’s on your heart because it’s not a religion; it’s more like a friendship.”

Father, I yet have trouble talking to You. Candidly speaking, the reason I go to a Friday night service is to put as much pressure on myself and thus compel me to pray out loud along with devout church members surrounding me. Father, like what Leviticus 19:4 says — “Do not turn to idols or make for yourselves molten gods,” please not let me get enslaved by worldly concerns and worries; and please not let those concerns and worries impede my spending time with You. 

I don’t pray pretty, Sire, nor am I eloquent in my prayer. I mumble days and nights; and my mumbling gets exacerbated when I try to pray to You. If You were my Father, and if our relationship is no different from that of a father and a son, I should always be relaxed and calm when talking to You in prayer, and thus shouldn’t mumble. But I do, rather a lot. 

Tomorrow is Friday; and around this time tomorrow I would likely be “pretending” to praying in earnest inside Your chamber. 

My goodness.

From Sean to Him

April 15, 2021

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Leviticus 16-18 — The capitalized “G” for God

Father, it seems to be that it’s getting harder and harder for me to write this letter to You every day before midnight. It’s getting harder for me to come up with something I want to write to You. It’s getting harder to get my soul vested in Your space for just slightly more than 30 minutes a day. And, Father, it’s getting harder, really getting harder for me to have a want to write this letter to You. 

Oh God, I just capitalized the letter “G” for only You deserve to be called God but no one else. By my calling You as God, it could well be reckoned as if my faith in You is stronger and sturdier than ever before. It is not, really not. Father, I do want to believe in You, but I don’t. Father, I do want to call You as my God, but I don’t. Just like last night, I did read another three chapters in the Bible. Months before, I used to take a great heed at every single word I read in the Bible. Months ago, words from the Bible used to read personal to me. And also months ago, though I hadn’t understood a word, I’d felt very much relaxed and calm while reading difficult lines in the Bible. 

Father, I can assure You I will not stop this devotional series in any time soon. Very likely around this time tomorrow I will be writing You another letter. But, Father, I want my letter to read sincere to You; I want it to read genuine to You; and I want it to read like a prayer to You. But it does not. It does not read like the way I intend. It’s troubling, really troubling. 

Everything is on me, Sire. Really, every blame, shame, and guilt is on me. Leviticus 16-18 mostly discuss various rituals for cleansing past sins, or atonement. Here it goes, Father. A man named Sean wants to be cleansed. But he unfortunately doesn’t know how. 

Father, what could I do? Really, what could I do to not bring anymore trouble into this designated time and space in which only You and I are invited? 

From Sean to Him

April 14, 2021

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Leviticus 13-15 — Dedicated time

Father, I remember while working as a city/state reporter, I felt dedicated to reading through hundreds of pages of dull city/state ordinances and laws whenever possible just in case I would find something suspicious or lacking clarity from reams of convoluted policy memos that might be worthy of a story. At the time, I didn’t feel boring at reading it. It was my job, duty, and a thing I felt dedicated doing to do better work as reporter. 

Then, Father, just 15 minutes ago I was reading Leviticus 13-15. The chapters were darn long, very much dull to read. ‘Why should I worry about various cleansing rituals for those who had leprosy on skins?’ I thought. ‘A bald man with leprosy is deemed unclean to the Lord; thus he must present himself to a priest. OK, so what? What’s the spiritual implication of this? Why on earth am I reading this?’ I thought again while reading through Leviticus 14. ‘Why is this in the Bible, that I am hardly getting anything out of these chapters?’ I thought the last time after finishing reading chapter 15.   

It was one of most dull reads of the Bible I’ve had so far in nine months. Lots of jargons and seemingly residual and thus unimportant sections of the Bible were what I thought I read just now. But, there got to be a sound reason that the Book of Leviticus is included in the Bible. Every word in the Bible counts, I was taught million times during Sunday school. Maybe I am yet immature to understand a real intent that the Book of Leviticus is selected to come after the Book of Exodus. 

Father, since early February, just like how I felt when reading through reams of policies as reporter, I’ve been feeling dedicated to reading three chapters in the Bible every day. But, it’s a different feeling of dedication, that while my eyes had almost been laser-beaming at each every word when reading through the policies, I felt almost irritated when I was reading a compilation of spiritual nonsenses in Leviticus. 

What more could I write here to further disappoint You Father, that I almost wrote as if a man-made law book is more worthy of a read than the Bible in a practical sense? Why am I writing this letter, knowing that You wouldn’t enjoy reading it at all? Instead of writing You my thoughtful analysis on words delicately scribed in Your holy Book, I am writing a complaint about some of rather bizarre chapters in the Bible. 

So many times in nine months I’ve said I want to do better work on Your behalf. The best way to prepare myself to do so is to study Your words as much as I can. I know this too well that it’s oftentimes taxing for me to do what I’ve known so well for years. 

I am sorry, Sire.

From Sean to Him

April 13, 2021

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Leviticus 10-12 — Real troubled man like I am, oh God

Without Your grace, my life can no longer stand. A simple truth that I’ve been stubbornly trying every way to defy. Once believing that my life could nonetheless sustain as long as my worldly career continues and prospers, and once believing that I could nonetheless seek joys and happinesses as long as I know where to entertain my soul, either at a bar or at a crowded indoor music hall in which shots of tequila and glasses of old-fashioned are readily available to bring me the most enriched hallucinative experience, I was and maybe still am so knowingly trying to seek a reason to live from somewhere else other than the Bible. 

Oh Father, is it really that You just had me read one of most obvious messages from You that an excessive drinking is an obvious sin against You; and entering Your chamber while drunk would double the sin? “Do not drink wine or strong drink, neither you nor your sons with you, when you come into the tent of meeting, so that you will not die — it is a perpetual statute throughout your generations,” reads Leviticus 10:8-9. 

Several weeks ago I asked You whether it was wrong to try to talk to You while drinking beers. Well, You just told me the answer in a most crystal-clear fashion that would forever discourage my attempting to make up a seemingly valid excuse to vindicate myself from future sins I would nonetheless continue to commit hereafter. The distinction between “the holy” and “the profane” was drawn. Oh God, what could I further write here in a pathetic attempt to cleanse dirts off my “stain-full” life, and re-mend my crooked soul? What could I do to make me feel less guilty about all those sins I have knowingly committed in the past? 

I dare not to write You a personal prayer, tonight, for I believe my sincere repentance should precede before asking You personal favors. What’s really troubling is that at this moment while writing You this letter, I am watching myself being hesitant to come shy-less to You and repent. A real troubled man like I am. Oh God. Really, oh God. 

No further comment.

From Sean to Him

April 12, 2021

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Leviticus 7-9 — The best way to ask You for help

Father, it’s 1:28 a.m., Monday. The dateline of this letter is Sunday, April 11, 2021. Already several times in recent weeks, I have written You a letter past the midnight deadline. The title of my devotional series is daily devotions — meaning devotions written to You every day. The original pact I made with You on July 6, 2020, has long been blurred out that I have become unfortunately immune to my missing the deadline. This isn’t good, I know. Almost a treachery to the bounties of heartfelt services You have provided for free to my life. 

Father, yesterday I listened to two sermons in a row. The 3 p.m. sermon was based on Matthew 14: 6- 12; and the 4:30 p.m. sermon delved into spiritual implications behind Judges 21:25 — whose every word pierced through my conscience. What’s pathetic and much pitiable to admit is that I didn’t pay attention to either of the sermons. My ears were listening to every word air-delivered from the podium; but my eyes were reading through a deluge of work-related emails on my phone, and my fingers were writing responses to direct messages I received from my sources on Instagram.

Once again, I consciously chose not to focus on You while sitting in Your chamber. Once again, I deliberately forfeited my time with You to get more worldly work done. And, once again, I disappointed You by a lot. Judges 21:25 reads: “In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes.” The verse speaks of Sean Na, who’s stubbornly believed what he deemed right to do ought to be a right thing for Him as well, without giving a damn about discussing it with Him through prayer before making an action. 

Father, I’ve been reading the Book of Leviticus in recent days, and oh God, I don’t grasp a word from this book filled with jargons and spiritual nonsenses, which proves Sean’s depth of knowledge in Your words is damn shallow and thus pathetic.

Father, it’s really a pity that I am too tired to write You a thoughtful, very philosophical analysis on Your living words. It’s really a pity that I waited until the very last minute to write You this substandard letter. Father, this week will be one of most challenging weeks since I’ve moved to Seoul in September. A trough of work awaits me in hours, tomorrow, day after tomorrow and beyond. Of course I am worried; and of course I will have to ask You to help me. 

The best way to ask You for help is pray in earnest, my devout mother once lectured me years ago. Her lecture still stands, and will forever stand for as long as I continue to steward my relationship with You. 

Father, will You help me?

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

April 11, 2021

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Leviticus 4-6 — My April 10, 2021, monologue dedicated to You

Father, could a sin be done unintentionally? I just read how You directed the people of Israel to cleanse their unintentional sins by various modes of offerings. 

Several weeks ago, I spoke with Pastor Park and questioned him whether it was wrong to write Him a devotions while being drunk; and whether it was wrong to try to talk to Him while smoking a cigarette. I don’t exactly recall what he told me; but the bottom line is both are wrong, thus a sin against Him. 

Several weeks ago, around midnight, after having successfully deep-fried my brain, I succumbed to temptations of cigarettes, and smoked two from the cigarette package in a row. While smoking, I tried to talk to Him through a spiritual tunnel, constantly, though a supposedly bilateral talk became a lone monologue. 

‘Father, is it OK that I am trying to talk to You while sucking smoke?’ I asked Him. ‘Father, would You still be in this communication while I am letting a third party to spice up my throat and relax my soul?’ I asked Him, again. ‘Father, would You still respond to my words while I am not taking good care of my body given from You?’ I asked, and no reply from Him. ‘Father, is it wrong that I am both drunk and high, but nonetheless trying to talk to You?’ I asked Him for the last time, and, of course, no response from Him. 

Father, I am once again reminded of my lifetime passage from the Book of Romans chapter 7. 

Father — “For Sean knows that the Law is spiritual, but Sean is of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. For what Sean is doing, he does not understand; for Sean is not practicing what he would like to do, but he is doing the very thing he hates. But if he does the very thing he does not want to do, he agrees with the Law confessing that the Law is good. So now, no longer is Sean the one doing it, but sin which dwells in him. For Sean knows that nothing good dwells in him, that is, in his flesh; for the willing is present in him, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that Sean wants, he does not do, but he practices the very evil that he does not want. But if Sean is doing the very thing he does not want, he is no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in him.”

I better not add any further comment to my April 10, 2021, monologue dedicated to You, Sire. Thanks for Your read. 

From Sean to Him 

April 10, 2021 

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Leviticus 1-3 — Perfect offering from Sean to You

Offering, offering, and offering to the Lord. Leviticus 1-3 discussed how He directed the people of Israel to give Him a proper offering, an offering that when prepared right made Him happy. 

What is an offering, Father, that You want me to start preparing and present to You? On my way to church tonight, after having finished reading Leviticus 1-3 inside a metro, I once thought how rewarding would it be if I fly to Myanmar right now, do journalism that sheds light on a bloody dual between the Burmese and their militant government, and continue to be a messenger for the Burmese to the world until my life ends there by an accident. ‘Would it be a perfect offering to Him had I offered my life for the people whose voices have been under a strict surveillance by their government?’ I thought to myself, and I still am. 

Father, really. I would fly to Burma even tomorrow if that’s where You want me to be. I would fly there and do journalism to my death. I wouldn’t fear death only if I am assured that this is what You want me to do. 

Father, it’s 2:01 a.m. About four hours ago I was attending a Friday night church service. After the sermon based on Psalm 65 came a time for prayer. The prayer went on for almost an hour. Unlike last Friday, I felt distracted during the entire service. My ears were still listening to the sermon; and my mouth kept murmuring “Father…Father…Father” over and over during the prayer. But, I am sorry, Father, that I wasn’t paying attention to the sermon nor did I give a damn about the communications between You and I after the sermon. 

While the pastor was passionately delivering the sermon, though my eyes were fixed on him, inside my mind, I was thinking of a work I did and will have to do tomorrow. While everyone around me was praying out loud in tears, though my mouth kept repeating the word “Father,” inside me, I was brainstorming a list of questions I would ask to a police chaplain from Frankfort, Indiana, at 1 a.m. The interview with the chaplain didn’t happen. He didn’t pick up my phone. What on earth have I done at church? Shoot… 

Father, I know while sitting in Your alter, and while attending a church service, I am expected to anchor my every focus on You alone. I know, I really so well know. But I didn’t do what I’ve known so well tonight. Here’s another sin of mine added to Your judgment book. Great. 

From Sean to Him

April 9, 2021 

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Exodus 38-40 — Wouldn’t it be just great, my Good Father?

One heck of a day of reporting spree, Sire. Thank You Lord that I have more to do tomorrow; and thank You Father that I felt spiritually alive while physically almost worn out. Pieces are seemingly being put together into a frame. There are still so many uncertainties ahead of me, Father. And it’s possible that the times and efforts I’ve put in in recent weeks might get wasted in vain. Even if that unpleasant scenario becomes a reality, Father, I know I won’t get discouraged but would keep on pedaling. 

Father, just five minutes ago I finished reading the Book of Exodus. Throughout Exodus 40, Moses did everything You had commanded him. At last, Moses “finished the work” in Your favor; and as per Your response to Moses’ tireless work done on Your behalf, You had Your glory fill the entire tabernacle that Moses and his follower built according to Your orders. Furthermore, You ensured them You would escort them wherever they would traverse days and nights, as written in the last verse of Exodus, which reads: “For throughout all their journeys, the cloud of the Lord was on the tabernacle by day, and there was fire in it by night, in the sight of all the house of Israel.” 

Wouldn’t it be just great had You done the same to me? Wouldn’t it be just great had You just unveiled a crystal-clear blueprint for every future work You expect me to get it done before I ascend to Heaven? It would be really great if what I’ve just scribbled becomes a reality. 

Father, it’s now 9:42 p.m. Almost the end of today. My apologies that I rather want to keep today’s devotions short and crisp, if that’s OK with You. Thanks for all the work You’ve done for me from 4:30 a.m. up until now, for nearly 17 hours.

Good night to me, and good night to You. 

From Sean to Him

April 8, 2021

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Exodus 35-37 — A short prayer

Father, here I am sitting in a cafe after hours of lagging behind my work. Father, there’s an indescribable fear inside me that’s kept locking me up in a snake of doubts that’s really slowed down my story development. No one is here with me who’d supervise over my stories. No one is here with me who’d guide me from A to Z in reporting solutions to climate change, police reform, sustainable agriculture, and illegal immigration control. No one is here with me who’d shovel off a mountain of burdens on my shoulders. If my previous statement reads exacerbated and even chicken to You, then I apologize, Sire. This is just my mere attempt to get mentally ready to power through another solitary day of my reporting life, by complaining to You like a child as blunt as I can. 

Fine-tuned, crisp sentences without a single jargon are what I want to write; but my inept brain isn’t letting me do so. Verbs that require no adjective to be flattered aren’t coming off my brain. Sentences are being unnecessarily lengthened thanks to my abusive use of adverbs and ambiguous words. The almighty Google search is my sole patron that helps filter out any debris off my poorly written sentences.

Another cold rejection is what I may have been fearing in recent days and weeks, Father, It’s hard to establish a thick skin to rejection emails that almost always begin with — “Thanks for your times and efforts in writing ~.” What I will find and read in my inbox by tomorrow afternoon, oh I don’t want to think about now. If I ever can, I wish to be oblivious of what I would confront tomorrow, so that I could think of nothing else but the pending work right in front of me. 

Father, it’s 6:25 p.m. now. I intend to stay here for another two plus hours. Then, once I get home, I will read Exodus 35-37, and write about the chapters. OK, Father, I better stop writing this lengthy whine right here and get back to my work. I will see You in about four to five hours. 

Father, it’s now 10:21 p.m. After sending this letter to You will come a long night for Sean. If You will, Sire, would You stay with me throughout tonight and tomorrow early morning? Exodus 35-37 delineate a detail work of constructing Your tabernacle. Your men precisely measured every part of Your tabernacle by cubit, and most of it was covered in precious jewelries and gold. The place in which the people of Israel would come and worship was made by Your delicate orders. 

While reading Exodus tonight, I became envious of every one of Your men who contributed to building Your tabernacle. They knew what they needed to do to please You; they knew their work was for You; and thus they didn’t have any doubt that their work was being done to Your will. 

Father, it’s been a while since I ended my devotions with a short prayer. 

My good Father, who I want to believe resides in Heaven, though my faith isn’t anywhere strong, and though I have denied Your presence countless times in the past, please know I’ve been trying my best to learn evidences that have long verified Your work, and thus I’ve been trying to let my learned knowledge about Your work propel this stubborn man Sean Na to really, really believe in You. 

That is my prayer to You tonight, Sire. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

April 7, 2021 

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Exodus 32-34 — My volatile faith

Father, I don’t wish to be like the people of Israel who were fed up with waiting for Moses, Your representative, to come down and deliver them Your message, and thus ended up making themselves a god to worship instead. A gold-molten calf was what they created and worshiped. While Moses was working hard to engrave Your messages on a tablet up in Mount Sinai, the people became almost forgetful of what You had done for them, and consciously chose to turn against You. Surrounding the golden cow, they caroused, blithely danced, and became totally oblivious of a future punishment they would have to suffer had they continued to worship a man-made god.

When Moses came down and saw a carousal among the people, “he took the calf which they had made and burned it with fire, and ground it to power,” as written in Exodus 32:20. A glossy golden cow were ground to powders. The people were alarmed; and soon became worried of God’s punishment they would have to bear thanks to their treachery. They had so well known worshiping other gods was one of most egregious sins they could do against God, but they nonetheless created a fake God. Once their sins were debunked, they begged Moses and God for forgiveness with a seemingly valid excuse that they committed a bad sin because they were “prone to evil,” as written in Exodus 32:22. 

Father, I don’t wish to be like those people, but I am, unfortunately. I am impatient, prone to evil, and thus vulnerable to committing egregious sins against You. Too many sins I have committed so far. Oh God, what about today? How many times have I thought of You before I started reading Exodus 32-34 an hour ago? None. Yes, I was listening to various Christian songs while working today; but my listening wasn’t to glorify You or consistently remind myself of Your everyday blessing. Instead, it was to keep me focused on my work, keep me calm, and keep my temperament down while tormenting my poor brain. The songs that were originally written to glorify Your name were used for my own benefits. 

Oh Father, as I am writing this letter, I am, of course, listening to another Christian song. It isn’t, once again, for me to think of You, but to help me power through writing this letter in a language I’ve been battling to master for more than a decade. 

So many times in the past nine months, my good Father, I’ve pleaded You to show Your way to me; and pleaded You to tell me what I need to do in Your favor. Father, my eyes have been blind to see You, and my ears have been clogged to listen to Your voice through a spiritual tunnel. It is so likely that my eyes would remain blind and ears would remain clogged. But, Father, really, Father, as You responded to Moses’ plea — “Let me know Your ways that I may know You, so that I may find favor in Your sight,” would You respond to my plea as well? 

Frankly speaking, Father, I ain’t sure what exactly I need to ask You for. I ain’t sure what I really want to do in Your favor. And, I ain’t sure what I will plan to do tomorrow is even a thing in Your favor. Oh Father, I am a troubled man, I know. My faith is just too volatile that I never know whether my faith toward You would wane or wax tomorrow. 

Father, just minutes ago, I asked You to respond to my plea, as You did to Moses’. But, I never specified what my plea is about. And I still don’t know what I want to plead to You. What’s more troubling is that I ain’t sure how I want to end this letter. Troubling, really, troubling.

The end.

From Sean to Him

April 6, 2021

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Exodus 29-31 — You as my only VVIP

Father, I ain’t sure whether it’s ever relevant to discuss this. Several seconds ago, while reading Exodus 31:17 — which reads: “… for in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, but on the seventh day He ceased from labor, and was refreshed” — I simultaneously thought whether I am not thinking of anything but God when reading Your words, whether I am giving myself a complete break from any work-related thought when reading Your words, whether I am only thinking of fortifying the relationship between I and God when reading Your words, and whether I am wholeheartedly trying to appreciate every word of Yours scribed in the Bible.

Tomorrow at 7 a.m. I will email a first set of proposals to newspapers. After that will follow another stream of interviews with zero waste movement activists, young entrepreneurs, and a spokesperson from a venture company. After the interviews will come hours of my trying to organize interview memos and turn them into publishable sentences.

Journalism. Work. Journalism. And. Work. 

Father, candidly speaking, while writing this letter to You, I am thinking of an email I will send tomorrow at 7 a.m. While writing this letter to You, I am picturing myself interviewing people tomorrow. And while writing this letter to You, I am letting worries for tomorrow slip into my mind, disrupting my supposedly dedicated time with You. 

Oh Father, I feel a thick wall between You and I. A thorny wall that almost immediately discourages me from trying to climb up and get over is what I sense seems to stand between You and I. It isn’t that I am not willing to give my everything to You at least when I am reading Your words and writing this everyday letter to You. But almost every time, a galling laundry list of thoughts trespasses my inner space in which I only intend to invite You only.

Dear Father, who I want to believe resides in Heaven, and who I want to believe always watches over my life, if You are watching me right now from Your residence, if You have heard my plea tonight, and if You want to help this poor man be at ease at least when he intends to be with You just for 30 minutes a day, then please, please do what You think it’s needed to be done, to help this troubled man be in a ready form to invite You as his VVIP , for just less than an hour, every day. Really. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

April 5, 2021

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Exodus 26-28 — What is Your order for me to do tomorrow?

An hour ago, I told my mom that I can’t believe three months later will mark the one year anniversary of this devotional series, which I’ve been writing every day since July 6, 2020. My initial goal was to keep writing devotions every day until Dec. 31, 2020. That goal was attained. On Jan. 1, I told my Father I wished to continue to write to You, every day, until Dec. 31, 2021. Then on Feb. 8, I started reading three chapters in the Bible thanks to a diligent and heartfelt friend of mine who’s led me into this spiritual endeavor. And now, I intend to continue to write to You, every day, until I finish reading the entire Bible, which’ll take another whole year from today. 

My mom asked me — “Son, have your faith ever been emboldened while writing devotions?” Oh, mother, I ain’t sure because I am yet ready to give my unconditional trust to Him, I replied. “Son, maybe you haven’t invited the Holy Spirit into your mind yet,” she answered back. 

The Holy Spirit? According to the pastor today, it is a gift Jesus left for us before He ascended to Heaven. Have I accepted the free gift? What good would it do to my life? What sort of gains could I seek had I accepted the gift, like, tonight? Where could I find the gift? What’s included in the gift? Oh, Father, when thinking of any gift, I almost immediately first think of and thus get excited for materialistic or personal gains I could get by accepting it. This isn’t a way You want me to think and consider of the Holy Spirit. I know, Father, that I am not at all sound in faith. 

Last night I personally asked You to “reprimand me as harsh as You can,” if Your reprimand could reorient my drifting faith to where it should reside. Then this morning at church, I learned You did scold and reprimand those who chose not to believe in You even if they had seen and heard You. “He reproached them for their unbelief and hardness of heart, because they had not believed those who had seen Him after He had risen,” reported of Jesus’ reprimand via Mark 16:14. 

Father, like You did to those who defied You, could You do the same to me — so that I may be alerted of my yet violently-quivering faith?

Father, I want to be subservient to Your orders. Like what Moses, Aaron, and their followers laboriously built the tabernacle according to Your delicate orders in Exodus 26-28, Father, I want to follow Your orders however challenging, daunting, and even galling they may be. 

Tomorrow is April the fifth. What is Your order for tomorrow? Let me know, if You will, by tomorrow morning. Thank You. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

April 4, 2021

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Exodus 23-25 — Never to cease communication with You

Whether I am having a good or bad day, whether I am happy or sad, whether I am grieving or hallelujahing, and whether I trust You or not, I’ve been long told that I am not to cease a communication with You. 

Father, words I am writing here may come from my genuine heart or may not. Though I wish these mere words be sent to You, if they don’t get sent, that’s OK for I don’t want You to read my words in pretense. I ain’t confident, Father, whether I am even entitled to write this devotions. Though nobody grants an eligibly to communicate with You but God, this man Sean Na is reluctant to letting me rest in the House of God. 

Father, I nonetheless read Your words delicately scribed in Exodus 23-25. Another set of laws and various orders You’ve told Moses and his followers to keep and practice were what I read. After Your proclamation was over, every single person who heard Your voice said in harmony — “All the words which the Lord has spoken we will do,” as written in Exodus 24:3. 

Tomorrow is the day You were resurrected. Your resurrection is hard to believe. How does it make sense a dead person being raised from the death? How could an injured, dehydrated man push against rocks weighted several thousands ton and rise to the sky? How could a death of man signify our everlasting lives in an imaginable land called Heaven? 

The Bible introduced about 500 witnesses, all female, who had seen Your resurrection. Beside the women, the Bible enumerated dozens of signs meant to assure me that You are real. Oh Father, I’ve been sermoned countless number of times that You must be real, and thus I must give You my unconditional faith. Oh God, really, oh God. 

Father, if You are real, if You are indeed hearing my hands typing up all these words, and if You are also concerned of my violently-wavering faith, why don’t You take some actions? Why don’t You do something? Why don’t You either spank my butt and reprimand me as harsh as You can, for I am not believing in a thing that’s been proven “never-to-doubt” for thousands of thousands years. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

April 3, 2021

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Exodus 20-22 — Prayer: Fake v.s. Genuine

Father, I am afraid, really afraid to admit that I am struggling to come genuine to You. During tonight’s sermon at church, the pastor said — “If you don’t want Him to come down from Heaven and meet you tomorrow, that means you haven’t done a homework He’s long assigned to you.” What he said hit me, really hard, in that I’ve been telling my Christian friends, including my devout mother and aunt, that I don’t want Him to come down tomorrow — because I am only 28 and there are too many things on earth I haven’t gotten to enjoy yet, including marriage, parenting, dating with a daughter, playing catch with a son, etc. 

Father, is it wrong that I don’t want to greet You tomorrow? According to the pastor tonight, it is wrong. But, really, is it wrong?

Father, what is far more troubling is this — that almost at every second while I was praying to You tonight, I could not stop doubting whether You are real; whether I should believe in You; and whether I should keep praying. I still cried, yelled, and prayed for nearly 40 minutes   tonight. But, I was struggling, Father, really struggling to give my everything to You while praying. ‘Why do I choose to become a Christian?’ ‘Why have I been attending church for the past 26 plus years?’ ‘Why did I attend a one-day class that delved into finding meanings behind Jesus’s Prayer yesterday?’ Why have I been reading words in the Bible for nearly nine months now?’ 

And, ‘Why am I writing this devotions, at 1:51 a.m., even though I feel like I am ‘bout to be passed out on bed?’

Of course, I read Exodus 20-22 this afternoon in between my work schedules. The Ten Commandments was introduced, and various laws that You’ve told I must follow were enumerated. Before You introduced the commandments to Moses, You said — “You shall have no other gods before Me.”

Ah, Father, I want to believe in You. I really do. But, what in the heck can I not cast away this lingering doubt about Your presence, that You are indeed real? 

I was suffering inside while praying tonight, Sire. My soul trembled violently. My thought was hurting. I yelled several times not because my head was hurting but because I wasn’t sure whether I was praying in earnest or in fake. 

Father, I am worried, really worried about my faith. While writing this, I am still not giving You my 100 percent faith. 

Oh Father, what to do. Really, what to do. I have tried hand-writing prayers, hoping by doing so I would become more earnest and genuine before You. I got up before 4 a.m. three times this week to attend an early morning service that began at 6 a.m. I’ve been attending a Friday night’s service every week. And today, I attended two worship services, one at 6 a.m., and the other at 9 p.m. What more could I do, Father? I’ve been putting my every conscious effort to come genuine to You. Is my effort being wasted in vain? Should I try something else? Tell me, Father. Please, tell me what I need to do. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

April 2, 2021

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Exodus 17-19 — Delivering You a proper prayer

하나님,

오늘은 한글로 하나님앞에 글을 적습니다. 요근래, 제 머리속에는 지금 기획하고있는 stories들에 관련된 생각들이 가득차있어서, 밤 늦게, 하나님앞에 이 글을 적을 때마다 무엇을 적아야할지 생각이 거의 나질 않습니다. 

하나님, 참, 마음이 편해요. 작년 7월부터, 이 글을 계속해서 영어로만 적어오다가, 모국어로 적으니, 참 편하네요, 정말 편해요. 항상 압박감이 없지 않아 있었습니다. 하나님에게 보내는 글이지만, 10년 넘게 더 잘써볼려고 노력해온 언어라, 하나님앞으로 적는 글도, 어떡해서든 더 잘 적어보려고, 더 간결하게, 더 의미있게, 그리고 더 생생하게 적어볼려고 신경을 써왔던 것 같아요.

어제와 같이, 역시나 오늘도, 모국어로 적는 지금도, 어떻게 이 공간을, 무슨 단어로 채워넣어야할지 막막합니다. 30분전에 출애굽기 17-19장을 읽었어요. 그리고, 19장 5-6절에 밑줄을 그었습니다. “Now then, if you will indeed obey My voice and keep my covenant, then you shall be My own possession among all the peoples, for all the earth is Mine; and you shall be to Me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation,” said God to Moses in Exodus 19:5-6. 

하나님, 내일은 금요일이죠. 벌써 한주가 다 끝나갑니다. 요즈음 시간이 너무 빨리 지나가는것 같아 아쉽습니다. 하고자 하는 일은 태산같은데, 제 능력이 부족하고, 의지가 부족하고, 결단력이 부족해, 일의 진행이 너무나 더디게 되어가고 있어요. 큰일입니다. 성격이 급해서, 하루라도 빨리 하나님앞에서 자랑스럽게 제 stories를 보여드리고 싶은데, 아이고, 제 의지와 생각대로 일이 풀리지는 않네요. 

출애굽기 19장에서 하나님이 모세에게 내 목소리에 순종하라라고 말씀하셨듯, 저도 하나님 목소리에 순종하는 삶을 살아가고 싶어요. 하지만, 항상 제가 불평드리는거지만, 하나님의 목소리를 들은적이없고, 앞으로도 없을것이기에, 오늘 제가 해온 행동들, 그리고 내일 할 행동들이 당신의 목소리에 순종하는 행동들인지 개인적으로 판단이 잘 서지는 않습니다. 그냥, 묵묵히, 지금하는 이 행동과 결정이 하나님의 뜻과 부합되는 것이기를 항상 바랄 뿐이에요, 하나님. 

Father, about two hours ago I learned about the true meanings behind Your Prayer. In the middle of Your Prayer reads — “Forgive us our debts …… do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” Father, though my debts have long been forgiven thanks to Your bloody sacrifice, I am still very much eager to keep paying my debts to You through the work I heart.  

Father, it is darn hard to shy away from worldly temptations. Beer makes me feel high and relaxed that drinking it would make me feel as if I would be having a real good night sleep, curing my chronic insomnia right away; cigarettes would let me be momentarily oblivious of all the work-related stresses and worries; whereas after reading three chapters in the Bible I would have to turn on my brain to think of a way to write You a letter, thus comes a minor pressure on my shoulders.

하나님, 어떻게 이 글을 끝맺을까요? 무엇을 저로부터 읽기 원하싶니까? 제가 무엇을 하면, or 드리면 하나님께서 웃으시고 만족하시겠어요? 제 눈에 안보이시고, 제 귀를 통해서 말씀도 안해주시고, 답답합니다, 하나님. 정말, 답답해요. 

Father, in about six and a half hours will come a church service in commemoration of Good Friday, the day You were crucified. If I happen to be sitting at Your alter and pray, Father, would You help me deliver a proper prayer this time? Really, a proper prayer. 

From Sean to Him

April 2, 2021

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Exodus 14-16 — Hard-to-understand scribble

Father, I am dead tired. I left home around 4:40ish a.m., and came back home around 7 p.m. In between the times, I made dozens of calls, spoke with government officials, farmers, police officers, zero-waste movement activists, retail store owners, and etc. Working on three different stories simultaneously wasn’t as simple as I thought. It was darn tiring. My brain was nearly fried; hands became almost numb after being abusively used for jotting down interview memos on a notepad; and stomach was beeping inside to alert me it needed to be fatten up ASAP. As soon as I got home, I took a hot shower, and got passed out up until 10 p.m. 

And here I am, at 11:02 p.m., hastily trying to write You a devotions before the analogue clock hits the number 12.

Father, while at church early this morning, about 20 minutes before the start of the service, I scribbled down lines of almost meaningless words, hardly legible, very wordy, grammatically off, and not sure why I did this. “Please let me drag no more; let me procrastinate no more; please let the journalism fire inside me burn the brightest. As I said countless times, please let me keep rolling. Father, would You, really, would You help me do & finish where I hoped I would finish?” ended the hard-to-understand scribble.

Father, today was one of the most hectic days I’ve had since I moved to Seoul. Was I super duper productive? Oh absolutely not. I still slacked off a lot, wasted too much of precious times You provided me today. But, I felt alive, Father. I felt as if I regained my once lost characteristics as journalist. Not that I broke out a marvelous story, nor did I come up with a brilliant, hard-to-miss story idea that major publications would die to grab it. Nevertheless, the bottom line is — I am really tired, but feel good, Father, really.

Father, today, beside the two hours I spent at church, I never opened up the Bible. I just finished reading my assigned Bible reading for today (Exodus 14-16). Candidly speaking, I was reading the Bible while almost half asleep. I didn’t underline any sentence. Something related to Red Sea divided in half, the song of praises to the Lord, and honey-like bread being showered from the sky were what I read. 

Father, several months ago, I once expressed my concern over my not being able to write You an OK devotions once I get busier with my reporting. Well, this is what I exactly feared would happen, Sire. Substandard letter without any reference to the Biblical contents I nonetheless intend to send it to You.

Professionally It was quite a good day, Father. But spiritually, it wasn’t. Really, it wasn’t.

From Sean to Him

March 31, 2021

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Exodus 11-13 — Is this really right, Father?

Several days ago, when I stepped outside around 3 a.m., I saw a Coupang trucker unloading piles of boxes from the rear of the truck. His hands seemed busy. After having stacked at least a dozen boxes upright on a two-wheel wagon, he hastily strode into the apartment building. And after less than 10 minutes, he hustled back into the truck and drove away to the next destination. 

This early afternoon, I saw a granny unpacking a sundry of raw vegetables, putting each unit of vegetables into a plastic bowl, and trying to make an eye contact with each passerby she saw on the street, hoping one would stop at her street vendor and buy one of units of seemingly spoiled onions.

On my way back home this evening, I joined a stream of commuters getting off the subway and marching home after another productive, sweaty day at work. 

Unlike the trucker, unlike the granny, and unlike the commuters, I had a loose day. All I did today was to get up around 7ish a.m., took a shower, headed to my satellite office, made several calls to people in Gyeongsang South Province, and kept polishing my crafts while being comfortably seated on a leather chair, without a hustle or sweat, from the morning till the late evening. 

Father, is this right that I’ve been spending each day too comfortably? Is this right that I’ve been letting my legs go dormant in recent weeks? Is this right that my undershirt doesn’t really smell bad once I take it off my body before going to bed? Really, Father, is this right? 

This is the eighth week since I started reading three chapters in the Bible every day. I started with the Book of Ephesians, and now I’ve been reading Exodus. At every book I’ve read so far, Father, I could almost always sense Your tireless and stopless work being done for the people You loved. In the second half of the New Testament, You tirelessly and stoplessly worked with Apostle Paul to let Your reinvigorating words be known and thus save as many lives as possible. And since last week, I’ve been reading Your tireless and stopless work being done through the life of Moses, whose daunting mission was to lead thousands of thousands of Hebrews out of the merciless hands of Pharaoh in Egypt. 

Even after the Hebrews made a successful exit out of Egypt, You, instead of taking a break, lighted their way days and nights. “The Lord was going before them in a pillar of cloud by day to lead them on the way, and in a pillar of fire by night to give them light, that they might travel by day and by night. He did not take away the pillar of cloud by day, nor the pillar of fire by night, from before the people,” Exodus 13:21-22 reads. 

Father, I know I could never be as diligent like You, nor could I ever become tireless and stopless in my work to bring smiles on God’s face like You did. Then, what could I do, Father? What could I do to bring You a smile? Really, what could I do?

From Sean to Him

March 30, 2021

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Exodus 8-10 — Relentless communication with You

Father, it’s now 1:29 a.m., Tuesday. This should have been already written and well on its way to Your heavenly mailbox hours ago. Though I could’ve written this up around 9 a.m. “yesterday,” I consciously chose to prioritize satisfying my professional needs over studying and speculating on Your words. 

Just like the “a”lmighty Pharaoh whose defiance to Your “A”lmighty orders was well depicted in Exodus, I acted deceitfully to You throughout my March 29. While exiting the church building around 7:15ish a.m. yesterday, I told You I would be in a relentless communication with You throughout March 29. Whether walking on the streets, struggling to balance my feet inside a shaky metro, or sipping a hot mug of Americano in a classy cafe, I so resolutely told You that I would keep pestering at You no matter what I do and where I am. 

I thought I could do it yesterday morning. I really thought I could, for I was pretty darn inspired and motivated after almost half an hour of cries and yells I gave to Him during the worship service. But I failed, once again, as usual. 

From 9 a.m. up until now, beside the 30 minutes I spared in the morning to read Exodus 8-10, I chose to coalesce all my focus on quenching my professional thirst. And here’s the end result, Father, that I didn’t make an enough progress of my ongoing work yesterday; missed the midnight deadline to send You the March 29th devotions; and am still not done with writing yesterday’s devotions. 

It’s now 1:40 a.m. Father, I am dead tired. Darn it. In about four hours will come another worship service at Samil Church. Should I go and repent for what I wronged You yesterday? Or should I not, and just sleep till 7 or 8 a.m.? Would my wronged behavior be ever fixed if I step into Your alter in five hours? If You promise me it will be, then I will definitely go, kneel down before You, and pray as hard and loud as I can. 

Let me know.

From Sean to Him

March 29, 2021

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Exodus 5-7 — Am I entitled to write You a complaint?

I still don’t know, Father. More than two hours have passed. In between the time wasted through the two-hour idleness, while embracing a self-validated excuse that I need more time to bear a way to start tonight’s devotions, I chugged down a mug of Americano, went outside to hurt my muscles with the help of a public pull-up bar, took a steamy shower, did several sets of push-ups in efforts to awake my lazy brain, and have been sitting at this desk for nearly 20 minutes. And, oh God, I still ain’t sure what I want to write to You, Father, despite the fact that I read the three chapters in Exodus, and attended two church services in a row. 

Father, I hadn’t known today is the beginning of the Holy Week until I was told at church today. More than two thousand years ago today, Your palms and feet were pierced on the cross, Your head was dripping bloods, the surrounding crowds were slurring at You, and You were crying afoul of Your Father, God. The amount of pain You had to bear in order to save this petty life of Sean Na and trillions of others, I dare not to measure, Sire. 

Why am I discussing Your pains and grievance? Oh I don’t know. Ain’t I supposed to discuss what I read in Exodus 5-7?

Father, it’s now 11:47 p.m. Thirteen minutes after will come March the 29th. It’s already the 29th of March. What have I done so far in 2021? Have I kept the promise I made with You on Jan. 1 — that I would praise Your name and thank You as much as I can, every day, in 2021? While You’ve been working Your tail off to preempt Sean Na from going astray, what have I done, really, what have I done to You, my altruistic Father? 

My apologies, Father, for writing You another childish complaint. But as You graciously heard countless complaints and doubts made by Abraham, Jacob, Joseph, and most recently Moses, and responded to every complaint made by Your faithful servants depicted in the books of Genesis and Exodus, would You also graciously hear this complaint I am selfishly making to You, and respond? 

“Ever since I came to Pharaoh to speak in Your name, he has done harm to this people; and You have not delivered Your people at all,” Moses complained to You after having done what You told him to do in Exodus 5:23. “I am the Lord; and I appeared to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, as God Almighty, but by My name, Lord, I did not make Myself known to them,” You responded to Moses’s complaint in Exodus 6:3. 

Have I been doing a thing You’ve told me to do? Or have I been doing a thing that You’ve told me not to do? Moses, at least, did what he was ordered to do; so I reckon he was entitled to tell You a complaint. How about me, Father? Am I also entitled to write You a complaint? Am I? Or not?

In about six hours, my church will open up the first day of the five-day early morning service in commemoration of Your sacrifice. Should I go, kneel down before You, and pray? I ain’t sure, Father. We will see how I choose to act in several hours.

From Sean to Him

March 28, 2021

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Exodus 2-4 — Blessed reassurance

I don’t know, Father. I don’t know how to start this March 27, devotions. It isn’t that I am trying to add as much fancies to this letter. What to do, Father. Really, what to do? Is it because my spiritual depository is nearly depleted that I can no longer write a thoughtful reflection on Your words? Or is it because I’ve bombarded myself with work-related thoughts today that my soul isn’t allowing any space for You to step in? It is true that I hardly think of You (though I should’ve always) when tormenting my brain cells to come up with fine-tuned sentences. But as I wrote to You last night, please know I haven’t given up a hope that one day I’d become a faithful servant of You. 

Father, while I was inside a metro bound to Jong-ro Station, I read Exodus 2-4. While reading the chapters, I couldn’t help myself being jealous (not envious) of Moses — who shared a smilier defect with me, stammer — receiving a direct order from You. From Exodus 3 to 4, You provided Moses a synopsis of what he would be destined to do on Your behalf. Moses politely tried to say no to following Your order, for he didn’t believe he’d be competent enough to do so. But, You, Father, You reassured Moses with Your mouth that he could do it — because You’d delicately maneuver him to bring work in Your favor. “Now then go, and I, even I, will be with your mouth, and teach you what you are to say,” You reassured Moses in Exodus 4:11. 

What about me, Father? Last night, a minute before the start of the Friday night service, I questioned You — “What sort of assurance have You prepared to bestow upon me?” Father, I don’t think You’ve answered that question. Or if You already have and I have surely missed Your answer, then oh God, what could I do to find the answer You may have long provided to me? Really, what could I do?

Father, last night on my way back home from church I was repeatedly listening to the song “Blessed Assurance.” The song goes — “Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine……perfect submission, all is at rest…… watching and waiting, looking above, filled with His goodness, lost in His love. This is my story, this is my song.”

Father, I don’t expect You to reassure me like You did to Moses, for I know that’d be too much to ask You. But, at the very least, Father, would You help me be relentlessly chanting that — You are mine, I am gladly lost in Your love, and what I’ve just proclaimed is my story, my song? 

From Sean to Him

March 27, 2021

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Genesis 49-50 ; Exodus 1 — Really, please know, Father

Father, it’s five minutes till the start of March 26, late night service. I once again am sitting closest to Your alter. When I stepped in here, an untitled gospel song was resonating in this chamber. I didn’t catch every word, but did hear the song repeatedly chanting — “In the morning, in the evening …… Amen, Amen.” 

Amen, Father, really. Amen. Am I ready enough to say Amen out loud in the morning and in the evening? I ain’t so sure; but I do want to be ready to do so, hopefully, in the nearest future. 

Father, it’s now a minute till the start of the service. What should I seek tonight? What sort of assurance have You prepared to bestow upon me, Father? Whatever You’ve prepared, my good Father, I want to be ready to embrace the invaluable grace You will provide this Friday night.

OK, here comes the worship band on the stage. Here I go. 

Father, it’s now 11:15 p.m., inside a metro, on my way back home. Before I say anything, Father, tonight the whole church prayed for the people trembling in fear in Burma, or Myanmar. Whenever I was asked to pray for church or welfare of people in a foreign country, I usually get baffled, don’t know what needs to be prayed for those whom I have no relation, and thus for most times I just pray about my personal matters instead. But tonight was different. When the pastor asked the church to pray for Burma, I almost instantaneously thought of the Burmese brothers whom I interviewed and wrote a story about their escape from their disturbed motherland to the United States for freedom in 2015. How would the brothers feel when watching news about their home country filled with bloody cries and fouls? How many sleepless nights would they have been undergoing, worrying about their family members still in Burma? Are they still nonetheless running their sushi restaurant in Missouri? While thinking of them, I started bursting in tears. It was odd, really odd to feel my eyes soaked in tears when murmuring a prayer for them and the people in Burma.

Aside my odd experience, Father, tonight’s sermon was based on Psalm 64. Unfortunately I ain’t sure how I want to discuss the enlightenment I was given during the sermon. As the sermon was being delivered, Father, for an unaccounted reason, inside my mind, I was constantly humming the song “Amazing Grace My Chains Are Gone.” It’s the song I’ve listened to likely at least several thousands times since 2011; and it’s the song I recited several times at various churches, most recently on Aug. 27, 2017, at an Arizona church. 

The song goes — “I was once lost, but now I am found. Once blind, but now I see …… My chains are gone. I’ve been set free. My God, my savior has ransomed me. Like a flood, His mercy reigns. Unending love. Amazing grace.” 

Father, am I still lost? Am I still too blind to see You through my spiritual eyes? Do I still feel as if I were yet trapped in chains? Am I too dull and senseless that I haven’t been able to feel the mercy You’ve been outpouring on me since the day one of my life on earth? 

Father, it’s now 1:27 a.m., Saturday. Here I am trying to figure out how on earth do I want to end my March 26 devotions. Inside a metro en route to church this evening I read Genesis 49-50 and Exodus 1. Jacob’s funeral, another emotional exchange between Joseph and his brothers, and the start of persecution of Jacob’s descendants in Egypt were what I read. 

“Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place,” Joseph told his brothers, who were afraid of a possible repercussion Joseph would do to them. “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive,” said Joseph to his brothers in Genesis 50:20. 

Father, You used Joseph to save lives of the many. I am not multi-talented like Joseph, nor diligent and resolute. But, Father, please know that to the very least, I, like Joseph, want to be a faithful servant of You. Really, please know.

From Sean to Him

March 26, 2021

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Genesis 46-48 — Where would my dead body be buried in future?

About a month ago, I once told my mother that when I die, I wish to be cremated and my cremated body be dissipated along the Missouri River, where my lifetime passion was born, honed, and ignited the brightest.

About 10 days ago, I wrote myself an obituary. In the middle of it reads: “He was often called ‘Uncle Na’ at his beloved newsroom of The Columbia Missourian. ‘My goodness’ was what he chanted so many times inside the newsroom to befriend every reporter and editor there……He once biked several miles under a humid October weather to door-knock houses not to commit a trespass but to garner comments from Green Meadow neighborhood residents.” What’s described in the excerpt all happened during my times in Missouri. Almost heyday of my so-far life. Do I want to be dead now? Oh I ain’t sure, but likely not. But if that happens like tomorrow, at least my parents know where to bury their son. 

It isn’t that I want to be dead. It would be too soon to be gone at age 28. I believe there are a list of things He wants me to fulfill before I move to His residence. Until then, I should keep breathing here on the earth. 

“Please, do not bury me in Egypt, but when I lie down with my fathers, you shall carry me out of Egypt and bury me in their burial place,” Jacob told Joseph on a brink of death in Genesis 47. Jacob didn’t want to be buried in a land where he had no relation. He wanted to be buried in a land where his life was most prosperous. 

Father, I will one day be dead. Father, my most prosperous days so far in life happened in Missouri. If I am to die tomorrow, then Missouri would be a place I wish to be buried. However, isn’t it too young to be dead now? I am only 28, and hope there would be another set of prosperous days in my life. When would that come to my life? Oh heck I don’t know. But if I may dare to wish and pray to You, my good Father, I hope my future days of prosperity would happen while my feet still stand in Seoul — so that whoever is asked to bury my dead body in future won’t have to fly to Missouri to say farewell to Sean Na. 

From Sean to Him

March 25, 2021

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Genesis 43-45 — What’s the use of this, Father?

Father, what’s the use of this devotional practice I’ve been doing since July? What exactly do I want to get by writing this another words (supposedly) based on a contents in the Bible? If I ain’t sure whether it would get delivered to You, which would then make this time and effort writing this letter be wasted in vain, then what other possible motivations could I seek? 

In recent days, I’ve been asking a deluge of questions to You; but You seem to not have answered me any. Is it even in Your to-do list to write answers to my questions? If my tone here reads a bit aggressive to You, well please know that’s how I intend this letter to read like to You, at least up until this point. 

I have to admit that I was pretty darn moved by Joseph’s confessions to his brothers, all of who wanted Joseph to be out of their sight forever by selling him to a foreign land far away from home. Joseph was involuntarily sent to Egypt; there was no one he knew. Everything he saw in Egypt looked foreign to him. He must have been in a grand fear. He must have had no clues what to do tomorrow, how to sustain his life here. In his early days in Egypt, though never described in the Bible, he might have pathetically blamed and even cussed out his brothers for an unforeseeable, but would-likely-be vulnerable future he self anticipated in Egypt. But, God was with Joseph throughout his days there, worked with him, and helped him prosper. 

“God sent me before you to preserve life,” Joseph said to the brothers in Genesis 45:5. At the time the whole earth was undergoing the second year of the predicted seven-year famine. It was God, not the brothers, who sent Joseph to Egypt to have him save lives, including the brothers, in the midst of the prolonged famine. “Therefore, it was not you who sent me here, but God,” Joseph said to the brothers in Genesis 45:8. 

Father, while reading this passage I for moments hoped for a day when I can joyfully replicate and say what Joseph said to his brothers in Genesis 45. ‘It wasn’t Sean who sent me to South Korea, but God.’ When would that day come, Father? Really, when would it come? 

From Sean to Him

March 24, 2021

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Genesis 40-42 — What is this, Father?

It’s 1:49 a.m., Father. It’s dark and noiseless. Isn’t it the perfect setting for You to come and greet me, for You’ve been too busy that I haven’t been able to schedule a one-on-one meeting with You for 28 plus years. 

Father, I turned off the light in the room. The lampstand is lighting down on this notepad alone. Father, this song I am listening to says — “You are pure, beautiful, gracious and lovable. The one the most high whom everyone on the earth looks up to.” 

My good Father, would this letter be delivered to You? Would my handwritten words be legible enough for You to read? Father, eight minutes have passed since I prepared this perfect setting for You to come here and share good stories and laughters with me. Father, it’s been a real privilege that I have gotten to form this fellowship with You. Though You are still invisible to me, and though I would likely never get to greet You in person unless I stop breathing on the earth, I like to believe that You are watching me writing this personal letter to You.

Oh Father, my eyes are finally feeling tired. It’s a good sign. Let me get some sleep and once I wake up and finish reading Your words in Genesis 40-42, I will finish this letter, attach an address-less postage stamp on it, and send it to You from my deepest heart. 

Father, it’s now 10:14 p.m. About 40 minutes ago I finished drinking a bottle of Blue Moon. While 17 percent drunk, I was reading Genesis 40-42. Joseph’s interpretations on various dreams, including Pharaoh’s, and an emotional moment of Joseph secretly wiping away tears behind his brothers, all of who did not recognize Joseph at all were what I read. 

After Joseph gave them grains and food, on their way back to Canaan, the brothers realized Joseph secretly put money back in their sacks. All of them must have not understood why Joseph, the No. 2 ruler of Egypt, did secretly put their money back in their sacks. They must have been really confused; some of them may have even been in fear of not knowing Joseph’s intention. “What is this that God has done to us?” the brothers said to one another, trembling, as described in Genesis 42:28. 

Father, really, what is this that You’ve done this to me? Why am I writing this letter to You? Why did I choose to get lightly drunk before sitting at the desk to finish writing the letter I started more than 20 hours ago? What is this that I didn’t come sober but drunk to You? I don’t enjoy drinking beer, candidly speaking. Nor do I ever enjoy feeling drunk at all. In 2020, I kept myself away from any alcoholic beverage because I didn’t want to spoil the next day. In recent weeks, however, I have already drunk five bottles of beer. I didn’t like their taste. They were all bitter and not at all tasty; but I nonetheless finished drinking them and got myself drunk. What is this, Father. Really, what is this that I am doing things that I don’t enjoy doing? Really, what is this? 

Written by Sean Na

From Sean to Him

March 23, 2021

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Genesis 37-39 — Where are You?

Can I do this, Father? Really, would I be able to convince editors at The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Wall Street Journal that I can do this? Would You strengthen and replenish me with energy only You can provide? 

Father, why am I being hesitant? Why am I to be hesitant to writing bold pitches to big name papers? Why, really why do I fear of being rejected, though I’ve been rejected countless number of times since 2017? Why am I worried of getting big fat scratches on my proud?. I am a man of no fancy, You know that. I have nothing to brag about, nothing to be proud, and nothing to lose. 

Father, so far I have read countless number of things written in English. I’ve written several hundred stories in English for publication; and to do so, I’ve read thousands of thousands pages of things in English. I should’ve been well accustomed to reading things in English at complete ease. Then, Father, why, why do I start feeling a minor tremble inside my head after having spent about an hour or two to read things related to stories I am working on in English? 

What is this, Father. Really, what is this? Is my days-long hesitation meant to be done to Your plan? Have You long expected me to undergo this sewage of unnecessary worries and fears? Father, really, what is this that You’ve been doing to me in recent days, weeks and months?

Father, Joseph, supposedly most proudful and polite-less man among Jacob’s men, was involuntarily sent a long way to Egypt, far away from his home. But, instead of leaving him alone and thus to withstand a subsequence of plights, You chose to stay “with Joseph, so he became a successful man,” as told in Genesis 39:2. Father, yes, I once was full of arrogance and reckless ambition; and yes, I once thoroughly enjoyed bragging about myself; and yes, I tended to act pompously to others. But now I know I am not at all entitled to position myself higher than anyone I know. To the least degree, Father, I am not as proudful and polite-less as Joseph described in Genesis. Not many people like to hang out with an arrogant, rude person; but You voluntarily stayed close to Joseph throughout his days in a foreign land far away from home, Egypt. Like You did to Joseph, Father, why don’t You stay close to me as well? 

Where are You, Father? Really, where the heck are You?

Scribbled by Sean Na

From Sean to Him

March 22, 2021

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Genesis 34-36 — Really, do You know?

Father, do You remember those days in mid spring of 2017 — when I willingly woke up before 5 a.m. almost every Monday to Friday to step outside, walk half a mile, unlock the church’s front door, and pray at Your alter alone? Father, do You remember what I pleaded to You at the time, almost every day? I don’t remember what I pleaded to You four years ago; but I at least know that I so needed You to respond to my prayer, and You indeed did that You sent me to Phoenix, Arizona to work for The Arizona Republic. 

Father, do You also remember those days in the second last week of Aug. 2017 — when I was a week away from traveling to Missouri to seek a new place in which I would roll as pro journalist? Could You recall how earnest and sincere I was in prayer at the time?  Contrary to my expectations, however, You had me in a what-could-be fatal car accident in the middle of New Mexico, and sent me back to South Korea on Sept. 25, 2017. 

Father, do You know I consider the date I flew back to Seoul in 2017 is the start date of my long-term professional slump? Do You know how many times I did pray to You in earnest to get me out of the slump as soon as possible? Do You know how sincere my voice was when pleading You to pull me out of the slump? Father, really, do You know that I have long regarded that You’ve chosen not to do my favor?

Father, tomorrow will open up a whole new chapter of my journalist’s career. It isn’t going to be easy. Super-duper rocky roads await me ahead. Father, do You know how worried I am of tomorrow? Father, really, do You know how much I wish not for tomorrow to come? Hangover-like headache will surely be my closest friend along this rocky journey. I will yell a lot in solitude, and I will sometimes even cry, also, in solitude. But, Father, do You know this is nonetheless what I’ve chosen to do to serve Your purpose? And, really, Father, do You know this is nonetheless what I used to love doing and still love doing?

“I am God Almighty,” You declared to Jacob in Genesis 35:11. In Your power, You renamed Jacob to Israel, and through him, You had Your wishes met. Father, do You know I wish You’d do the same thing You did to Jacob to me? 

Father, I don’t know what Your wishes are. But, Father, do You know that I don’t at all care whether I never figure out about Your wishes; but I do wholeheartedly care about my life being used to Your will. 

Father, really, do You know?

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

March 21, 2021

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Genesis 31-33 — Is it really wrong, Father?

Is it wrong, Father, that I read Your words while being almost 34 percent drunk, and am scribbling this while drinking another bottle of beer? Is it wrong, Father, that I would likely wake up the next morning with a minor hangover, but would nonetheless attend an early afternoon church service? Is it wrong, Father, that I would likely still be diluting alcohol inside my body while listening to a sermon tomorrow? Father, really, are all these deemed wrong to You? 

It was quite a challenge to read 55 verses in Genesis 31, and another set of 52 verses in Genesis 32-33 while feeling the mighty alcohol inside my head. The final pact between Jacob and his uncle Laban, and the tearful reunion between Jacob and his hairy brother Esau were what I read tonight. Oh, let me also not forget to mention that the battle You graciously wrestled with Jacob was pretty cool to read. 

Father, from March 15 to March 18, I kept my words to You to myself. I didn’t let no one get access to them beside myself and You. Two of the devotions written during this span of time were done while I was drunk. Darn it, Father. I am no longer feeling drunk, though I am drinking the second bottle; and it’s almost half gone. I felt so drunk while drinking the first bottle; but why ain’t I feeling the same degree of mental buzz right now?

Father, is it wrong that I am wishing to get more than 51 percent drunk and let this March 20th devotions be written by the power of alcohol? Father, is it really wrong that I can’t really think of a single verse from Genesis 31-33 that I like to quote here and discuss? 

Is it really wrong, Father, that I can’t really think of anything that might read very spiritual, inspiring, and enlightening to You? 

Father, really, is it really wrong?

Written by Sean Na

Undeliverable to Him

March 20, 2021

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Genesis 28-30 — Ready. Set. Go.

Father, I learned tonight that David while his own life was at risk due to his son’s deadly chase did not forget of You and earnestly sought You amidst a grand distress, both mentally and physically. “O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water,” David wrote in Psalm 63:1. 

Toward the end of tonight’s sermon based on Psalm 63, I hastily scribbled my immediate reaction to David’s earnest prayer. “While locked in the wilderness, David pleaded Him not to forsake him. How is my current distress similar to that of David? Am I even entitled to be in distress? My life isn’t in danger, nor am I lack in money or food. Then what on earth am I complaining about?” wrote Sean Na tonight at church. 

My scribble ended with a rather provocative plea to Him. “What should I be seeking tonight? What should I be praying to You, hopefully in earnest?” ended the scribble. I did pray about something that I don’t at all recall. Oh, I lied. I didn’t really pray, but yelled and cried for the most of time. Why did I cry and yell? I don’t know. What did I expect for Him to respond to my yelling and cryings? Oh I don’t know. Usually people would pray for a specific thing; tonight, I did pray for an unspecific thing. Big problem, ain’t it?

Father, once I finish writing this, in about an hour I will make an action that would lock me in South Korea, and that would make me no longer eligible to pursue journalism in the United States. Actively rolling as journalist in the land of free press was once my passion, and it maybe still is. I don’t have anything secured in South Korea, yet. My future days here are still very foggy. Failure has almost become a cliche to my life. But I nonetheless hope not to let my journalism fire be extinguished, yet. As the title of Psalm 63 indicates, Father, I, “the thirsting soul,” wish to be “satisfied in God.” 

Meanwhile, Father, I did read Genesis 28-30 inside a metro tonight. While reading them, I was well entertained of Jacob’s strenuous years of service to his uncle to get what he wanted. Fourteen years were what he invested to marry a woman he loved. It’s been just seven months ever since I returned to Seoul. Fourteen years versus seven months. It’s not even a fair comparison, Father. I expect not to bring an outstanding outcome within a month or so; but I will keep pedaling as hard as I can to get what You’ve long ordered me to get. 

Ready. Set. Go.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

March 19, 2021

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Genesis 25-27 — Would You nonetheless read this poor scribble?

Father, how do You want me to color this note? What would You like to read from me? I am just a mere man without any fancy, nor am I spiritually mature that this scribble I am writing right now may not serve You any goodness. But You have nonetheless been reading all of scribbles I’ve sent to You so far, and thus I know You would still read this. As former pro journalist, there’s nothing shameful than publishing a rough copy of story for paid subscribers to read. What I am writing right now will read rough to You. I am so sorry, Father. But this is the best I can do tonight. 

Father, I did read Genesis 25-27, did understand the most of what I read, but couldn’t find a single line about which I would be inspired and enlightened to discuss. If I may quote a half of a verse it’s a line from Genesis 25:8. “An old man (Abraham) and satisfied with life,” the line read, explaining of how satisfied life Abraham lived to his death. 

I am not at all satisfied of this life I’ve lived so far. What’s more troubling, Father, is that I ain’t sure whether my future days would bring me any satisfaction. I am not speaking of materialistic satisfaction. I don’t hope to be rich, nor do I hope to live in a mansion for the rest of my life. I would be OK had my future home only had a living room and two small bedrooms, along with an OK bathroom. 

Father, do You know what I really want to bring to my life? Do You know why I haven’t ended my life yet? Do You know why I’ve chosen to discourage myself from jumping off the tall building? And, do You know why I am writing this scribble to You? Do You know, really do You? If You do, please let me know, for I don’t know how to answer these absurd questions to myself. 

What else, Father, what else do I need to write here? Prayer? Complaint? Whine? Or earnest inquiry? I am yet ready to write You a prayer, unfortunately, nor am I bold  and daring enough to write You an earnest inquiry. 

OK, I better stop here, my good Father. Thanks, again, for reading this.

Scribbled by Sean Na.

(Could be) deliverable to Him

March 18, 2021

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Genesis 22-24 — I am not drunk as I was yesterday, my good Father

Father, I am not drunk like I was last night, nor do I feel emotionally laden. I am a lot calmer than yesterday, more relaxed and sober. Instead of drinking beer, I was sipping a cup of organic green tea while reading Your living words in Genesis 22-24. This doesn’t however mean I close-read every word in the three chapters. I felt much distracted while reading Your words. Reading isn’t in fact a proper word choice here. Against Your will, I was rather skimming through the chapters. My goal was to finish reading them, and make myself feel relieved for having read another three chapters in the Bible before the end of this day.

Something related to Abraham’s wife, Sarah’s death, and Issac’s marriage with Rebekah was what I read tonight. Why were Genesis 22-24 written and why should I care about them, I don’t know. I just read Your words because I’ve told You I would do it every day no matter what. 

Father, unlike the past two days, I did underline two sentences tonight. One was — “Now Abraham was old, advanced in age; and the Lord had blessed Abraham in every way” — as written in Genesis 24:1; and the other was — “He (Issac) loved her (Rebekah); this Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death” — as written in Genesis 24:67. Why I did underline them, hell I don’t know. Maybe I felt jealous of Abraham because he was blessed by God in every way; and I maybe also felt jealous of Isaac because he “was comforted,” while I haven’t been anywhere successful in finding a comfort to myself.

Father, my eyes weren’t closed and my nose didn’t start snoring up until 5 a.m. this morning. Last night at 10:50ish p.m. I was so drunk that I was ready to be passed out. But, somehow, I resisted the sleep, and strove to keep my un-sober self away from falling unconscious. What about tonight, Father? Would I get a good night sleep, or would I again unwillingly defy the sleep?

Scribbled by Sean Na

Undeliverable to Him

March 17, 2021

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Genesis 19-21 — Day after death

Father, so many times in the Bible You have disciplined me not to drink exceedingly. Well, I am doing the complete odd against Your discipline. I just finished reading three chapters (Genesis 19-21) in the Bible as I’ve promised to You; but while reading them I was drinking a bottle of Blue Moon. The bottle is half gone; and after this I will take another bottle, this time Corona. 

Father, I am getting gradually more drunk as I am writing this to You. Yes, I am supposed to reflect on words I read in the Bible. Something related to Lot and Abraham’s treachery was what I read in Genesis 19-21. But right now I am already 17 percent drunk that I am afraid that I won’t be able to discuss anything related to the Bible this time. 

Father, yesterday I wrote myself an obituary. The date of my death is today, March 16, 2021. But I am still breathing. I am not dead yet. So many times today I have thought about killing myself. This life I am living in is rough, Sire. Freaking rough that I no longer wish to breathe in this land any more. But I am nonetheless breathing, and writing this note to You. 

I ain’t sure how all these people who successfully killed themselves did kill themselves successfully. I like to learn how they did so. I am sure there are an array of medicines designed to help a person like myself to end life. But I couldn’t find a way to get those medicines. If there is a way, would You let me know? 

Father, though I am willing to kill myself, I also don’t want to emotionally hurt my loved ones — parents, sister, friends and acquaintances — who have really helped my short life on earth shine. How could I end my life on earth without hurting anyone both physically and emotionally? If there’s a way to do so, would You kindly and mercifully let me know? 

It’s 9:45 p.m., Tuesday, March the sixteenth. Will I wake up the next morning or will I be dead and be transferred to Your land by tomorrow morning? If You deem my expected act of suicide a gruesome sin against You, will I then be transferred to the hell? 

Father, I am writing in a language that isn’t my mother tongue. It is the language I’ve hoped to master, but I have failed. 

Could You grasp the reason I am writing this, Father? Are You even following through my words? I don’t even know what on earth I am writing right now. But since Your depth of cleverness and understanding far supersedes that of mine, I am sure You do understand what I’ve been scribbling to You, dear Sire. 

Wow, I am already 43 percent drunk. Almost unconscious. Let me end this note here. And thanks for reading, my good Father. 

Scribbled by Sean Na

Undeliverable to Him

March 16, 2021

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Genesis 16-18 — Sean Na, June 10, 1992 ~ March 16, 2021

Sean (Seong-hyeon) Na, 28, of Seoul, passed away Tuesday, March 16, 2021, at his Ilsan home by an act of suicide. 

He was born in June 10, 1992, by his beloved mother Dalmak Kang and beloved father Jongsig Na. At age 10, he was introduced to what-has-since-become a lifetime passion of his, journalist, by his mother, who thought his son was a darn good writer, even though he hated writing and reading books at all. Becoming a journalist wasn’t his dream at the time; he rather wanted to become a professional baseball player. But, due to his relatively short height and lack of athletic talents, he soon forfeited his baseball ambition to pursue what has driven his life up until his death. 

In Aug. 29, 2008, he landed in the Indianapolis International Airport, with a full of hope and ambition to unfold his lifetime passion in the land of free press. The Lafayette Journal & Courier, The Indianapolis Star, The Chicago Tribune, and The New York Times were the newspapers that the teenager Sean Na took a reckless attempt to read and write a critique about an article he spent at least an hour to at least understand a part of it, with the help of an online dictionary. 

He first published an article under his byline Sean Na through the student-led, independent publication The Maneater on Sept. 30, 2011. Since then, he fearlessly and passionately wrote and published several hundred articles under his name. Among those included an award-winning story that revealed underreported episodes of racism and mistreatment among Asian students at the University of Missouri Columbia campus, and a data-driven story that delicately explained an years-long controversy on whether to abolish sheltered workshops, a federally funded program designed to provide employment opportunities primarily for people with intellectual disabilities. 

From 2011 to 2017, he enjoyed pursuing his passion. He was often called “Uncle Na” at his beloved newsroom of The Columbia Missourian. “My goodness” was what he chanted so many times inside the newsroom to befriend every reporter and editor there. He enjoyed every single moment as journalist. He once biked several miles under a humid October weather to door-knock houses not to commit a trespass but to garner comments from Green Meadow neighborhood residents on an issue that he unfortunately doesn’t remember what was it five years after. 

The author of this half-finished obituary is Sean Na himself. The date this obituary was written was the day before his date of death. Moments before he started writing himself an obituary, he was reading three chapters in the Book of Genesis, as he had used to be doing for the past one plus month or so. He knew and was well aware that life given by God is so precious that taking it away by oneself is one of most gruesome sins one could ever commit against God. He also so well knew that the act of suicide was the quickest way to be invited into hell. 

This yet-finished obituary would be posted on the author’s daily devotions page in his journalism blog. If this were to be another, typical devotions, it would’ve ended with the closing statement — “In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.” But, since the author was expected to commit an unpardonable sin against God, he dared not to ask God for any this time. Thus, no closing statement. 

Written by Sean Na

March 15, 2021

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Genesis 13-15 — ‘Believed in the Lord’

Father, while I was reading Genesis 13-15 inside a metro this afternoon, I really did enjoy and got inspired upon learning about Abram’s humble and faithful nature in the second half of Genesis 14 — when Abram politely said no to take any of the gifts various kings offered, because he wanted to keep the promise he made with God that he wouldn’t take anything that would make him materialistically rich, but spiritually poor. 

Plus, the words You told Abram face to face in Genesis 15:1 were just wow. 

Father, I, however, wish not to discuss what could be central messages from Genesis 13-15. Instead, I want to ask You why You had the author of Genesis write this line in Genesis 15:6, which reads: “He (Abram) believed in the Lord.” There isn’t any mystery happening in this line, nor is there any need to dissect each every word to find a hidden message behind it. The sentence speaks for itself, that Abram believed in Him. 

Belive. In. Him. Father, these three words are what I have probably spoken the most in a countless number of prayers (whether was done in sincerity or in pretense) I’ve done so far. If I were to believe in You and Your words, I shouldn’t be feeling any anxiety or fear, nor should I ever think about taking sleeping pills to counter insomnia. Father, really, if I were to rest assured in Your promises, like You did to Abram in Genesis 15:1, I should’ve started every single devotions with my loudest praise to You; but, almost six out of 10 times, I’ve started with either a complaint or a childish whine. 

Father, Abram was, just like me, very doubtful about Your promises. He didn’t at all believe his biologically infertile wife could bear a child. Abram was, just like me, a sly dog. He tried to take advantage of his beautiful wife to seek comfort in his life on earth without realizing that by doing so would have him deviate from the route God had long established for him.

Nonetheless, You did use Abram, and let him do work on Your behalf — because despite a series of daunting challenges trying to discourage him from believing in God, Abram “believed in the Lord.”

Father, the next two weeks will be a challenging time to me professionally. While I am a bit excited to confront the challenge, but, at the same time I am worried as well. 

Father, what do I need to pray about to lessen my level of anxiety? What do You want me to tell You before I go to bed tonight? What have You been anxiously waiting to hear from me, Sire? I don’t know. I really don’t know what to pray about. But I still need to finish this devotions with “In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.” 

Goodness, Father. I really can’t think of any. Darn it. 

Though this doesn’t read like a prayer to You, Sire, even still, 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

March 14, 2021

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Genesis 10-12 — Would You still use me?

Father, around 8 p.m., I finished reading Genesis 10-12, came up with an outline I wanted to write primarily based on Genesis 12, and thought I was ready to relentlessly write this in devotions to You. But, even now, for an unaccounted reason, I’ve been feeling extremely lazy and resistant to filling up just a few hundreds words in this blank sheet of online paper. Even now, though I really don’t want to feel like this, I wish I don’t have to complete writing this by midnight. This isn’t a writer’s block I sometimes suffer. This is something else, that’s putting my will and thought completely at odd to each other. 

Father, why so? Why am I having this odd grapple against myself? I’ve been a writer for almost one third of my life so far, and will have to continue to write for living. Then, why, am I being very much driven to not want to write even a single word at this point, especially when I am about to be engaged in a pressure-free, bluntly casual act of writing? 

It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy reading Genesis 10-12. In fact, I was very much inspired and enlightened when reading about Abram’s attempt to fool Egyptians and their king Pharaoh to seek an affluent life in Egypt. For his own sake, Abram didn’t hesitate to take advantage of his beautiful wife Sarai by lying to whomever he encountered in Egypt that Sarai wasn’t his wife but sister. 

Abram’s behaviors depicted in the second half of Genesis 12 weren’t honest but cunning. God nonetheless used Abram to realize His wishes on earth through his acts. 

Father, just like what You did to Abram, though I’ve been acting like a sly dog to You, would You still use me to realize Your remaining wishes on earth through my work? 

Let me admit that I am not really feeling relaxed and calm right now. Sire. I am rather emotionally agitated that I really don’t like almost every word choice I’ve made so far to come up with something for You to read before midnight. 

My apologies for this substandard copy I am about to ask You to nonetheless read and respond. Goodness, so sorry, Sire. 

And, even though this doesn’t read like a prayer, I’ve meant this to read like it to You. So, please let me end this with saying:

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

March 13, 2021

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Genesis 7-9 — Your everlasting covenant

Father, there are stories I wish to cultivate, write, and get published so my stories be proven to be enlightening and beneficial to the eyes of the many. I wish to do my very best to pull those stories out on the surface, so once underreported information may all become available to the world. But, at the same time, Father, I do fear that — what if those stories never get published just like the one I wrote in November, and once again watch my times and efforts wasted in vain?

Father, I wish to write stories that transcend beyond problem-oriented reporting. The world has dealt enough with stories that only underscore grudges and stigmas. When modern journalism was born in 17th century, not only it strengthened the social bond among distant communities but it also mobilized underrepresented people to step out and thus provided a catalyst for social and political reforms, which have shaped the community we live in. However, journalism these days is rather profit-oriented that stories sprouted from mainstream news publications rather incite conflicts and fatigues among readers. 

Father, I so well know that I alone cannot re-paint the whole media landscape; but at the very least, I wish my journalism work’d become a fertilizer to encourage news publications to reorient their reporting strategy from profit-oriented to people-oriented. 

Father, I once was a reckless and annoyingly persistent journalist; and I wish to regain the recklessness and persistence that once pictured my journalist’s identity. Father, I like to believe the journalism fire inside me has yet been extinguished but eagerly awaiting to burn bright again. 

After You cursed the earth, and after the whole earth was washed away, You promised Noah and his followers that You would never curse their land again but let it be “fruitful” and “multiply” through their work. You told them that was Your “everlasting covenant” promised to those who remained faithful and righteous to Your orders. 

Father, what’s the covenant You intend me to agree upon? What’s the order to which You intend me to be faithful and righteous? And how You intend to use me to make Your land be fruitful and multiply? 

As I again come forth to Your alter tonight, if You will, please let me know of Your intentions. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

March 12, 2021

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Genesis 4-6 — Enrolled in school where You work as principal

‘How on earth could a man live past nine hundred years?’ was the question I asked myself repeatedly when I was first introduced to Genesis 5 during children’s Sunday school. At the time. I first wished I could live that long and maybe never die; but soon became very suspicious of an exorbitantly long life span each of Adam’s descendants was reported to live. 

Just an hour ago, at age almost 29, I revisited arguably the most dull chapter in the Book of Genesis; and while reading it, I thought to myself — ‘Ah, this Book is just like those history books I spent hours over hours to read, study and understand the contexts to get a solid A for school class.’ 

Historical books written several thousands years ago often claimed people back then lived up to one thousand years or more. A very absurd claim, it seems. But it was I who willingly spent hours and hours to study those books to keep my school grades up. ‘When have I ever willingly opened up the Bible to study it for hours and hours?” an easy but heart-poking question to myself. 

Father, I know the answer for the question; but I wish not to write it here, for I don’t want to further shame myself before You. 

Yes, none of my previous school classes adopted the Bible as its class material. So, yes, there was no grade-wise incentive for me to read and study the Bible while I was in school. But, back then, I didn’t know, Father, that what the Bible could provide is far more precious than getting a 4.0 on school’s transcript.

Father, I graduated high school 10 years ago; earned a bachelor degree in 2017; and finished my master’s coursework last year. Ten years of schooling was an enough grudge to me, Sire, and I hope there’d be no more schooling left for me on earth to further gain worldly knowledge. However, Father, I want and intend to stay enrolled in the school in which You work as principal, for as long as I stand in this land. In my past 26 plus years as student in Your class, I may have gotten almost a failing grade from You. 

Father, I may not become a solid A student in Your class; but I hope I could become at least an average student. My depth of knowledge in Your words is still very shallow; and I still do struggle to pray to You out loud. Nevertheless, Father, I hope to get better at understanding Your words; and hope to gradually get more comfortable in praying to You, Sire. 

Will You help me do so?

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

March 11, 2021

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Genesis 1-3 — Beginning of long-term endeavor

Father, I recently learned how restful I tend to become when placing only the Bible on the desk, opening it up, and starting reading words delicately scribed on each page of Your Holy Book. About half an hour ago I returned home after having spent hours of putting my poor neurons into a tough labor. My brain was so deep-fried that it seemed to beg me to stop abusing it anymore until the next morning. But, once my eyes started carefully and slowly rolling side to side on the Bible, all of my once exhausted neurons no longer felt exhausted but resumed to burn bright. 

Father, it’s really a bless that I know what I need to do to rest my soul and body after hours of work. Also, it’s really a privilege that You’ve enabled me to spare an enough time a day to read and reflect on Your words, and thus be inspired, enlightened, and spiritually refueled by doing so. 

Father, today I opened up the first page in the Old Testament. The first 10 words in the Bible, You said: “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” I, who earnestly want to call myself a faithful follower of Yours, though I’ve attended church for most of my life, am yet hesitant to wholeheartedly believing in the first 10 words of Yours in the Bible. Even still, Father, if You will, please be with me throughout my long-term endeavor to finish reading the entire Bible, and on the day I (again) finish reading the last chapter of Revelation, I hope You’d inspire me to call myself a faithful follower of Yours in full confidence. 

Father, on Genesis 3, I read Adam and Eve were tempted to do what You had commanded them not to do, because to their eyes, doing a thing against Your will seemed so delightful and desirable. Father, I am no different from Adam and Eve. Every day, while knowing I shouldn’t do, I do things You’ve long told me not to do.

Father, I am not going to make any promise with You this time, for I’ve breached so many pacts I made with You in the past. It’s likely that I would do something against Your will tomorrow; and my sinful nature would probably persist throughout my life until I ascend to Your residence. Nevertheless, if I may dare to ask You, I wish to minimize a number of sinful occasions I will have committed in future, so that I would have more chances to do things that please You. 

Thank You, Father, for letting me enjoy another restful time with You today; and thanks in advance for letting me continue to enjoy this privilege.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

March 10, 2021

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Revelation 19-22 — Seek spiritual renewal, on gradual rate

There was a three-month period of my life when I willingly spent at least two to three hours a day to transcribe words in the Old Testament on a spring notebook, from the first chapter of the Book of Genesis to almost the end chapter of the Second Chronicles, every day, from March to June. 

In between class periods, during a school lunch time, inside a city bus en route to home, and even while meditating on a toilet, I so willingly read and transcribed words in the Bible on the notebook, really every day, for nearly three months. 

I was 12 years old at the time. So no, I didn’t understand a word my poor right hand was copy-and-pasting from the Bible. Plus, those transcribed words on the notebook were hardly legible. Nobody could read what I (genuinely) scribbled, and unfortunately, nor did I. The sole reason I so avidly and mercilessly tormented the right hand was to win the first-place cash prize in the “Transcribing the Bible Contest,” as a part of the annual Jesus Festival held in June for Sunday school children. The one who transcribed the most in the Old Testament would be rewarded with $100 in cash. At 12, $100 was a big money that I couldn’t let myself miss grabbing it.

I did win the first-place prize, and still vividly remembered that the $100 cash went straight to my mom’s wallet for a reason she still denies explaining it.

Father, just half an hour ago, I finished reading the entire Book of Revelation. And, starting tomorrow, I will begin reading the Old Testament, three chapters a day, starting from the Book of Genesis, just as I did at age 12. There is no monetary incentive this time, Father; but there’s a far more superior incentive that I am humbly seeking starting tomorrow — Finish reading the entire Bible and be better at catching Your sign, paying attention to Your commandments, and spending each every day to Your will. 

Father, in the last chapter of Revelation, John so declaratively and confidently wrote he did hear and see things done by Your will. John didn’t use any conditional verse in his statement; instead he went straight to the point by only writing what he needed to write, without any superlative. “I, John, am the one who heard and saw these things,” wrote John in Revelation 22:8. 

Father, I yet have such confidence to claim You as my only Savior. Unlike John, Apostle Paul, and many other Biblical figures all of who successfully passed Your daunting test and thus fulfilled what You had commanded them to do, I haven’t been in any way successful in fulfilling what You’ve long commanded me. 

Father, starting tomorrow, I will read how each Biblical figure, starting with Abraham, managed to live his or her life to Your will. Father, I not like, but want to learn ways to live life to Your will. I so well know that learning takes time; and thus I don’t expect me to be completely revamped into a renewed version of Sean Na as You like in a short period of time. But, Father, as I continue to read Your living words in the Old Testament, I hope, and pray my spiritual renewal would also take place simultaneously, on a gradual rate. And once I finish reading the entire Bible, on that day, Father, please let me avidly praise Your name and confidently claim You as my only Savior, just like John did in Revelation 22:8. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

March 9, 2021

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Revelation 16-18 — What to repent, Sire?

Father,

I thought I’d have so many things to write to You; but as soon as I sat at the desk, a myriad of thoughts I had in mind just flew away. And I am left without a concrete outline to write this devotions to You. Maybe this is a good thing, as what I will write from here below will be very spontaneous. 

Father,

I underlined two almost identical sentences while reading Revelation 16-18 inside a metro. “They did not repent so as to give Him glory,” told in Revelation 16:9; and “They did not repent of their deeds,” told in Revelation 16:11. 

Father, I believe repentance could only be done if one knows what he or she has done wrong. Right now, at 11:26 p.m., I can’t literally think of a single deed I may have done wrong to You. I so well know that I’ve committed a myriad of sins so far, and my not recognizing what I’ve done wrong to You yesterday and today is also a sin. 

Father, too many times through my words devoted to You I’ve said I want to live this day “so as to give Him glory.” If repentance is one of the very prerequisites to be qualified to get a chance to give You glory, oh Father, I am in a big trouble right now. 

The past week has been darn agonizing personally. Tonight, while sharing evening meals with a kindhearted friend of mine, I was politely asked to share what’s agonized me in the past week; and I was only able to share a part of it, not because I didn’t want to disclose the full, but because I wasn’t so sure why I had been under an agony. 

Father, not only I don’t know what I need to repent but I also do not know why I had a mental breakdown last week. A big trouble, I know. 

What else do I need to write here, Sire? What would You like to read? What would You want me to write here so You’d have a better grasp of a “thing” You need to do for Sean Na tomorrow? 

This is probably the poorest quality of devotions I’ve done so far in almost eight months. Nevertheless, if You will, please read, and respond. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

March 8, 2021

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Revelation 13-15 — Untitled reflection on Your outpouring love

Father,

Just like yesterday, I didn’t quite understand the contents in Revelation 13-15; but, really but, I felt oddly relaxed, calm and pacified while reading Your seemingly unfathomable words scribed in later chapters in Revelation, out loud, word by word, without barely understanding any. 

Father, from 2:30 p.m. to 9:30ish p.m., except the one-hour Zoom meeting I joyously attended along with my beloved church friends around 5 p.m., I ran a long marathon of writing, writing, writing, and writing. Only a cup of Americano with an extra shot accompanied me along the sever-hour-long route. Depleted in sugar, as soon as I was done with the marathon, slightly after 9:30 p.m., I gobbled up a big chunk of sugar-coated bread with a pack of soy milk added with three big spoons of honey. I thought, and hoped the abrupt intake of excessive amount of sugars into my body would help soothe down my abusively heated brain; but it did not. 

Then, at 9:45 p.m., as I started reading annoyingly symbolized words in Revelation, from my very first glance at the words until the last glance, though I didn’t understand what on earth I was reading, I felt exuberantly relaxed, really I did. In fact, toward the last 30 minutes of the marathon, I may have been really earnestly awaiting for this very moment, Sire, in which my spirit and body could get truly rested under Your arms.

Father, at church today, I heard the sermon based on Matthew 13: 1-9. Through the verse nine, You said: “He who has ear, let him hear.” Then just about 45 minutes ago, while reading Revelation 13, I spotted a well paraphrased sentence, almost identical to the one in Matthew 13. It reads: “If anyone has an ear, let him hear.” 

Not sure whether I am making a valid parallel between the two distinguished chapters from two different books. However much I am being misled in understanding Your words at this moment, Father, I am not so concerned about it. Whether I’ve understood Your words or completely not, I am nonetheless grateful that You’ve had me remind myself twice that I need to open my ears to hear Your voice. 

Father, I better stop here. Let me hold onto this pacifying state of mind. Let me enjoy this soundless period of time, for about five minutes more; and then I will end this night with a prayer, this time in my earnest tone and written voice. 

Thanks to You, Sire, really.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

March 7, 2021

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Revelation 10-12 — If this is where You want me to be, then let me do my best here

Father, 

I didn’t quite understand the contents in Revelation 10-12; but at the very least, if I dare to interpret Your words on my own, and if You’d still read this note even though it’s completely misled, Father, please do. 

“The little book” that an angel descending from heaven ordered the “I” to “take it and eat it” grabbed my attention this morning. I for several minutes speculated on the meaning of the little book. The angel said it would appease my mouth but would trouble my stomach. Father, had the little book been handed to me from one of Your angels, why would it delight the tongue but later upset the stomach? I once thought the little book would refer to a worldly temptation from which I am strongly advised to shy away, because while succumbing to the temptation would bring me an immediate pleasure, it would in the end bring me a bitter consequence — just like the mouth gets appeased immediately while the stomach suffers the aftermath. But once again, the little book is delivered by the angel, who’s supposedly Your representative.

Father, before I started reading Revelation, I’d felt pretty OK at quoting a line or two from the Holy Scripture and applying them into my own life. But for three days in a row, my dearth of knowledge in Your words has hit the concrete wall, and thus I am afraid to directly quote Your words in this scribble and falsely discuss them. 

Aside my shallow knowledge in Your words, Father, I have several personal things I want to bluntly lay out to You.

Father, the last two devotions I wrote to You may have read like a gibberish to You; but I nonetheless asked You to read and respond. Yes, I admit my use of language was darn savage and uncivil; but based on what I heard from yesterday’s sermon, You should feel OK at reading my gibberishes written in an untamed language. 

Three days ago, You seemed to have told me where You’d want me to roll and do Your work. Frankly speaking, I didn’t necessarily like Your call, nor was I relieved to finally know where I would stand and roll in the next countless number of months.

Father, if this is the place You want me to stand, boy, I ain’t sure how to respond to Your call. 

Father, I stayed up until 4 a.m. this morning. I was tired, yearning, and felt like I was about to be passed out. But I was somehow driven to resist the sleep. For more than two hours, from 1:30ish to 4 a.m., I lighted the lampstand and kept reading the book “The Art and Craft of Feature Writing.” The author of the book is a heck of writer. On almost every page he wrote, I found at least five words, phrases or sentence styles that I didn’t know. Father, to be a writer and journalist I want to be, I need to be able to write like the author; but my writing toolbox still has so much spaces to be filled in. At age 18, I grappled with writing fine sentences. And at age 28 and a half, I still grapple with it. For more than 10 years, Father, really, what have I done? 

I am not as still as You like me to be. The spiritual turbulence I suffered in the past two days is still dancing inside me. So many times through the Bible, You’ve told me to come and rest in My shelter. Shelter? Not sure whether I am even deserved to rest in Your shelter, for I have not brought You any reasonable outcome. 

Father, if this is the place You want me to be, I want to do my best in the land You’ve placed me. Please fuel me up, Sire. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

March 6, 2021

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Revelation 7-9 — Earnest inquiry from Sean to You

Father,

It’s such a pity that I, one of weakest souls You ever know, do fluctuate in emotion at an unprecedented rate. I, unlike Apostle Paul, don’t hold an iron-willed faith and determination. I, unlike the un-turbulent Abraham, don’t hold a steadfastness in Christ. And, I, unlike the resilient Job, don’t hold a such perseverance and an ability to bounce back from a turmoil.

Father, 

I so reluctantly finished reading Revelation chapter seven through nine. No word in the chapters fascinated my eyes. It’s a big problem, I know, that there’s no way that I didn’t get fascinated while reading Your living words; but I really did not. 

For two days in a row, I am not going to quote a single sentence from what I’ve just read in the Holy Scripture in this note supposedly devoted to You in much appreciation. This prolonged headache that’s mercilessly dancing inside my head seems to have no intention to check out from my body. I intend this not to read like a complaint to You; rather I do hope this’d read like an earnest inquiry from Sean to You. 

Father, 

I hope not to get out of this (hopefully) transient state of spiritual turbulence in any time soon, for I know it’d be so selfish of me had I continued to keep a status of free rider, who only expects to receive Your free supports and gifts while not giving You any goodness in return.

Father, 

You have told me so many times through the Bible that I need to stay patient and keep pedaling as hard as I can until You order me a thing to do. How much more time, Father, do You want me to wait? How much more time, Sire, do You intend me to persevere? And how much more time would You want to watch me teetering my poor teeth?

I thought You would order me something to do In January; but that didn’t happen. Then I waited until February, but still nothing was delivered to my life from Your residence. Yesterday, I used a language that I thought I would never use before You; but I did. Had my yesterday’s language disappointed You, then please accept my sincere apology, Sire. 

If I may take one more step forward to act daring to You, Father, this time, I hope, and plead You’d lighten up this seemingly lightless tunnel of my life.

That’s all for this late afternoon. Thanks for reading my inquiry, Sire, and please respond to this, hopefully sooner, if You will. 

In Your name I dearly plead, Amen.

From Sean to Him

March 5, 2021

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Revelation 4-6 — Would You still forgive me?

Father, today I read about what heaven’d be like and how You’d judge me when my days on earth get over.

Before I write anything, Father, while I was inside a metro, for nearly two and a half hours in sum, I repeatedly listened to a song titled in Korean “너희는 가만히 있어,” or in English “Be still.” It’s a song I was first introduced when I was enthusiastically pursuing what I loved in summer of 2017, in Phoenix, Arizona. At every Sunday service, the worship band sang this song as for an introductory worship. “Be still and know that God is Lord,” the song goes. “I love You my Father, I pray You with all my heart.” I remember every time I was singing this song at the Arizona church, my level of emotion skyrocketed, and tears were running down like an uncontrolled faucet.

Father, last night I Googled “the least hurtful way to end life.” There wasn’t a way to die without being hurt; plus it was in fact pretty darn hard to end life by myself. Then I searched “Christian suicide” on YouTube; and the search result brought a pastor from Yonsei University talking about why those who’ve committed a suicide should be respected and prayed about. 

Father, candidly speaking, for quite a few times in recent months, I’ve thought about wanting to end this life so I could get out of this concern-full life. Then at the same time, I did fear that what if I didn’t get to live in heaven but live my rest of after-life in hell? At Sunday school, I was taught that those who commit a suicide could never go to heaven, but hell always. Really, Father? If I end my life now, would I not see and greet You but be directly navigated into the hell? 

Father, would You still forgive me and invite me into Your residence, if I choose to come to You right now? 

Let me know, Sire.

In Your name I dearly plead, Amen.

From Sean to Him

March 4, 2021

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Revelation 1-3 — Let me hear Your voice loud and clear

Every word inked in red in the New Testament is spoken by the mouth of Jesus, that it bears no chance of being falsely or subjectively written. About 40 lines in the Bible, as scrupulously proven by Bible historians, are deemed to be paradoxical and thus could be falsely written; but any of those 40 lines is inked in red. 

Back in 2014, every Sunday for 16 weeks, I attended a Bible class led by the lead pastor at Jesus’ Family Church, which attempted to dissect and analyze the Book of Revelation, line by line. I apparently did pay attention to the first few classes, as pages on Revelation 1-3 in my old Bible are soiled by almost unrecognizable scribbles I obviously made nearly seven years ago. 

At the time I was several months away from being discharged from military, young and full of confidence in myself. Plus, at the time was when everything was flowing according to my plan. I successfully passed two college-level examinations; graduated from the U.S. Military NCO academy; and was very optimistic that I would soon return to the world’s first journalism school, finish my degree, get a quality journalism job, and be successful. 

Seven years later, about 30 minutes ago, I revisited and started reading Revelation chapter one through three, and identified one very declarative sentence, inked in red, being repeated seven times in the three chapters. “He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches,” Jesus said, seven  times, in Revelation 1-3. 

Not sure, but I didn’t scribble any comment next to any of these seven, identical sentences. Maybe this is why, why for nearly seven years I have lived not to His will, but stubbornly to my will. 

Father, I do eager to open my ears wide open to Your words and never miss a single word told from You to me. Had my ears been too tightly clogged to hear Your voice, please unclog them and let them hear Your voice loud and clear. That’s all I am asking You for tonight, on March 3, 2021. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

March 3, 2021

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2 John 1 ; 3 John 1 ; Jude 1 —Briefest note to You

This will be the briefest note I’ve ever written to You, as I don’t want to overwhelm You with a deluge of pompous words and phrases, but want to concisely tell You what I really need from You to get better at serving You. 

Father, the last two letters by John are rather brief, concise, and on point. The letters didn’t discuss any marvelous quality of Jesus nor discussed a glittering list of rewards we could get had we continued to abide by His commandments. They simply reiterated why I am strongly advised to do what I’ve been told by the previous book chapters in the New Testament, if I am determined to abide by His orders. 

The last two letters of John ended with similar farewell messages. “Though I have many things to write to you, I do not want to do so with paper and ink; but I hope to come to you and speak face to face,” 2 John 1:12 reads ; and, “ I had many things to write to you, but I am not willing to write them to you with pen and ink; but I hope to see you shortly, and we will speak face to face,” 3 John 1:13-14 reads. 

Instead of further extending his letters, he wanted to put what he had long thought of doing for His glory into real action.

Father, I’ve written to You more than 200 daily devotions, and thus told You what I needed to do to do better work on Your behalf more than 200 times up until now. Has any of those 200 words of determination been taken place in my real life? I ain’t so sure, Sire.

Father, I no longer want to act like a smooth talker, I really don’t. Please keep Your eyes on me, Sire. And please, if You will, do breathe with me, work with me, and be with me throughout my March the second. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

March 2, 2021

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1 John 3-5 — Your commandments shouldn’t be burdensome

In early December, during a man-to-man Zoom talk with my beloved Scott Swafford, before he said a word, in hoping to compel him to feel an empathy toward me, I said, “Scott, I think I’ve lost confidence in my reporting, ability to produce compelling stories worthy of being published.” He first chuckled, then said, “Who wouldn’t want to work with a graduate of the Missouri School of Journalism?” 

Back in December 2010, I chose to attend the Missouri School of Journalism, because I, then reckless 18-year-old full of ambition and unverified confidence, wanted to be a journalist writing stories in an universal language, English, so that my stories could reach out to a wider range of audience, and ultimately help more people be benefited by reading my hand-typed work. 

Since then, for almost a decade now, I’ve had almost no doubt that journalism is a call I received from God, that I should have every minute of my life be invested in doing journalism. Writing stories in a foreign language, of course, was daunting 10 years ago, and is still daunting to me in 2021. On top of the language barrier, I do struggle to produce a compelling story, which must be well researched, bolstered by eye-widening data, frosted with immersive personal anecdotes, and filled with clean but attractive word choices from the very top to the bottom of the story.

Whenever I spot a word or a phrase that I don’t know while reading a news article, I get frustrated; whenever I watch myself grappling with writing one fine sentence for nearly 10 minutes, boy, I get angry at my own ineptness; and whenever I struggle to find enough evidences to back up a hypothesis I set as a story’s theme, goodness, I feel fragile. Mental anguish is what I do undergo almost every time I confront a journalism roadblock; and unfortunately, the roadblock comes to bog Sean Na down too often, wears him out, and sometimes makes him question himself — whether he really loves doing journalism. 

“His commandments are not burdensome,” You told me via 1 John 5:3. Father, is this really a call from You? Had journalism been the one You want me to do to help You fortify the kingdom of Yours, according to Your words, I should not feel burdensome while doing journalism. Mental anguish should be a someone else’s story; but it’s been mine for years. 

I apologize for writing You another childish complaint. Nevertheless, Father, I hope, and pray You would be understanding enough to read my complaint, and graciously educate me on how to live this and that day to serve Your purpose, hopefully in confidence. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

March 1, 2021

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Matthew 12:38-50 ; 2 Peter 3 ; 1 John 1-2 — Want to be one of “young men” with maturity and self control

I don’t remember the exact date, but I was a junior high student attending the three-day church camp. At the time I was going through a rough adolescent stage of my life. I was young, immature, and immensely volatile. 

Toward the end of every night during the camp came a nose-running, tearful time dedicated for prayer. While the energetic worship band kept the gospel-led, emotional sound resonate in the entire chamber, seemingly all participants, both young and old, were crying out loud in prayer, bursting in tears, while being completely forgetful about their noses running down like waterfall.

I, like everyone else, closed my eyes, and deliberately tried my best to juice out some tears off my eyes, and condensed liquid off my nose. Like everyone else, I also needed to pray out loud, with my own voice, to Him. But, for nearly two hours of time for prayer, I didn’t say a word; instead, for nearly two hours, while pretending to be emotionally moved and cry, I was thinking about something else — online games, a girl with whom I was in love, pornography, and numerous others that completely had nothing to do with prayer. I didn’t want to think about those things while supposedly praying; but they kept popping up inside my mind. I couldn’t control my thought system. I was indeed powerless, no self control, and no shame.

I am now 28 and a half, physically all grown up, expectedly mature. “Young men,” God said through 1 John 2:14. “Because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have overcome the evil one.” No, Sire, I am not one of those “young men” whom You regarded as those strong enough to control their thought and behaviors and shy away from evil ones. 

Father, I haven’t had my life this closely attached to Your words ever. I’ve been writing to You, every day, for nearly eight months; I’ve recently started close-reading Your words; I’ve attended two late Friday night’s services in a row for the first time in three years; I once paid nearly $50 for a taxi ride to attend an early morning service that began at 6 a.m.; and just two days ago, I did pray out loud to You in my earnest voice. 

Superficially, what I’ve done while supposedly thinking of You looks really flashy and good; but inside, have I been seen also flashy and good to You? I am afraid to say, no. 

Father, I read 2 Peter 3 and 1 John 1-2 inside a train en route to church this afternoon. I even underlined several sentences in the chapters to prove myself that I did, again, close-read Your words. When the church worship team stepped on the stage and started praising You, I did praise You to my fullest extent. 

I was doing really good, really good. But once the worship team exited and the pastor stepped up to deliver a sermon, against my will, and against my conscience, I started thinking of things absolutely unrelated to the sermon, like how I did at the church camp 15 plus years ago. 

For an unaccounted reason, during the middle of the sermon, I started jotting down story ideas that just instantaneously popped up to my mind. Then, for another unaccounted reason, my hands were working hard to make tentative outlines for those story ideas jotted down on the notepad. I did these for almost 10 minutes, while sitting in the second row from the podium.

The pastor was fervently delivering the sermon based on Matthew 12:38-50, a story about Jonah’s sign. Understanding what the sign would mean to my life was (I think) a key to grasping the sermon; and while the meaning of the sign was being carefully explained, I was thinking of and doing something else. What does Jonah’s sign mean to my life? I don’t know, while I should’ve known had I been able to control my thought and behaviors during the sermon. 

From 3 p.m. to 6 p.m., I attended two church services in a row; and for most of those times, I was having a mild headache; and this galling headache is still dancing blithely inside my head.

Father, what am I supposed to pray about tonight? After having disappointed You by my uncontrolled thought and behaviors, what am I supposed to even say? 

At the very least, Father, if You will still read my prayer, I hope, and pray that I could place my every focus on thinking of and listening to Your words being delivered by a form of sermon, next Sunday afternoon, inside Samil Church. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 28, 2021

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1 Peter 5 ; 2 Peter 1-2 — Godly gifts

Two years ago in February, I, then first-year graduate student at the Missouri School of Journalism, office-visited a journalism professor, who’d worked as journalist for more than 30 years before returning to academia. The purpose of the visit was to learn how to fight off a galling writer’s block I was suffering at the time. 

“Sean, the best way to get better at writing is write every day,” the veteran journalist Randall Smith told Sean. 

I am not going to lie here, Father, that what Prof. Smith said did significantly contribute to propelling me to start this devotional series. Just until a month ago, I felt as if I were writing each every devotions not because I wanted to deepen my knowledge of Your words but because I wanted to deepen the depth of my writing toolbox. However, ever since I started close-reading three chapters in the Bible every day (thanks to my good friend Hyun who’s led me into this endeavor), I have begun to feel personal when reading Your words. 

Four hours ago, while reading heartfelt letters by Peter, You, through hands of Peter, taught me how unwavering faith would bring me a subsequence of Godly gifts vital to living this earthly life to Your will. “In your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love,” 2 Peter 1:5-7 reads. 

Father, I would really be eager to adapt Your moral excellence so that I can exercise self-prudence whenever evils attempt to lure me into a spiritual mire; embed Your knowledge deepest into my heart so that Your words would take a full control of my life; copy-and-past Your ability to self control so that every hour of my life be spent in a meaningful fashion; learn Your perseverance so that I could become more resilient and courageous when confronting life challenges; replicate Your godliness into my behavior so that work I do every day would help bring shinning lights into others’ lives; and ultimately learn to love the people of all backgrounds like You did.

Father, my faith is still very shaky, in that I once attributed the origin of my ongoing sufferings to Your lack of support. I know I am bad. Nonetheless, even to a disloyal man like myself, You’ve promised to “perfect” him, “confirm” him, “strengthen” him, and “establish” him, as told in 1 Peter 5:10. 

Father, last night, I earnestly begged You to let me hear Your voice, catch Your sign, and learn Your plan. The chamber was rather loud that I might have missed hearing Your voice last night. But right now is dead quite. Just You and I, no one else. I can hear You loud and clear if You will, right now. If You rather want me to wait more, that’s also OK, because Your will is all that matters, not mine, as 2 Peter 1:21 says: “No prophecy was ever made by an act of human will.” Father, please steer my life however You wish, for I know, believe, and am sure wherever You choose to send me will be a good place to live. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 27, 2021

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1 Peter 2-4 — Follow in His steps

Father,

I underlined three sentences while reading Your living words delicately scribed in 1 Peter chapter two through four. Those underlined were — “Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps,” “For you were continually straying like sheep,” and “Always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, as written in 1 Peter 2:21 ; 2:25 ; and 3:15, respectively. 

While in high school, I was assigned to read a best-selling religious novel “In His Steps” by Charles Sheldon. The assignment would bring me a pop quiz (worth a few percentages of the whole semester grade) based on the novel. The book was rather thick and so dull to read — that instead of reading it page by page, I borrowed Google’s almighty power to search for book summaries. Not sure how I did on the quiz, but apparently I did not do so well. Had I carefully read the entire book, maybe, I would’ve known how to follow in His steps at age 18, and thus would have not been acting like a “straying sheep” up until age 28 and a half. 

To follow in His steps, 1 Peter 2 explains, I ought to commit no sin, nor say any word in deceit. Father, like criminals don’t think what they’ve done weren’t criminal, I may have long thought what I did so wrong to You wasn’t, under my definition of wrong, wrong. Sheep can only look straight; and thus it has to carefully listen to every outspoken command by its shepherd, if it doesn’t want to get lost, caught by a hungry wolf, and be devoured. 

Father, I confess that I have not carefully listened to Your caring command by giving myself an absurd excuse that — because I can’t hear His voice, I have every liberty to make my own decision. 

Father, since several weeks ago, I’ve eventually realized that every one of Your caring command is crystal-clearly manifested in the Bible. My American Standard Bible is old like a rag. Ever since it met the careless owner Sean Na in 2008, it escorted me wherever I went. While in flight it docilely sat on my laps; while on a reporting assignment, it stayed calm inside a shaky backpack; and while in stress, it willingly suffered a countless number of hand-squeezings and -bendings. My once flashy Bible is now disfigured. But it’s still with me. Such a poor thing. What’s more pitiable about this poor thing is that I rarely opened it up unless I was in attendance of a church service. For six days a week, it underwent a great deal of physical disfigurement; and I only let it breathe once a week, just for several minutes, and shut it off again for another six days.

Through 1 Peter 3:15, You told me to be ready “to make a defense to everyone who” questions about Your living presence. Candidly speaking. I’ve been asked that question quite a few times; and whenever I was asked, I circumvented my answer because I didn’t know how to defend You, unfortunately. 

Father, in about two hours I will attend another late Friday night’s service. While in attendance, I hope, and pray my ears will be fixed at listening to Your words alone. More importantly, and sincerely, Father, I hope, and pray my mouth would become less shy at communicating with You tonight — so that I could get a better chance to hear Your voice, catch Your sign, and learn how to follow in Your steps. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 26, 2021

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James 4-5 ; 1 Peter 1 — Thanks for spanking my butt, Father

Father,

Six years ago, You introduced me Romans 7:14-25, whose mind-boggling messages still linger steadfastly inside me. Then this morning, at 4:55 a.m., I read seemingly replicated messages of Yours; and I am indeed struct by them.

I’ve been pleading You for several years now to land me a reporting job that allows me to produce helpful stories on a regular basis, and paves out a sturdy asphalt road to winning a Pulitzer Prize, the ultimate goal I hope to achieve before I ascend to heaven. My motive behind the years-long plea may be not of purity but of personal, ambitious greed. That’s why, may be, You have chosen to have me wait and persevere until You deem Sean Na is ready to execute Your plan. 

“You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures…… therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin,” You graciously reprimanded me through James 4:3 and 17. 

I know, in fact, I have long known that the quickest way to fix my wrongs is to pray about them in earnest to You. Unfortunately, I’ve long sought a seemingly less strenuous way to fix the wrongs; and I haven’t been successful in this crooked endeavor. “Is anyone among you suffering? Then he must pray,” You once again graciously reprimanded me through James 5:13. 

Father, right now I am listening to the song “Way Maker.” The song goes — “You are here, turning lives around …… You are waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness.” What the song claims is all valid; but also in order for me to get what the song claims realized in life, my own strenuous efforts should be accompanied, which I’ve so long known but have consciously chosen not to exercise. 

As per Your final reprimand this morning, You told me to “conduct yourselves in fear during the time of your stay on earth,” as written in 1 Peter 1:17. Let me keep Your warning deepest in my mind, Father, and let all my future actions happening hereafter be done in fear of You. 

That’s all I am asking You for this morning, my good Father. Once again, thanks for reading my scribble. Thanks for always being by my side. And thanks for being willing to spank my butt whenever so needed.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 25, 2021

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James 1-3 — Want to be “effectual doer”

Father, I hope, and pray what I have realized and thus been self-awaken by words of Yours yesterday and this morning isn’t done in coincidence, but done according to Your plan. 

From 1ish a.m. up until 4 a.m., I pretended to be in sleep; but my cerebral light burbs were all blithely turned on. Instead of wasting times in bed, I chose to start this day earlier than planned. 

Father, I underlined more than a dozen phrases in the Book of James chapter one through three. “Endurance,” “double-minded man,” “forgetful hearer,” “effectual doer,” and “faith without works” are among the underlined phrases. Every word I read in James 1-3 pinches my conscience really hard this morning. 

I’ve written about “endurance” many times through this devotional series. For You will let Your plan be unfolded in my life in due time, until that time comes, I need to endure seemingly never-ending struggles and challenges trying to discourage me from identifying Your plan and starting executing it. However, as wicked as I am, I have doubted on whether Your plan actually exists, and thus become a “double-minded man” who weighs in between the benefits I could reap by following Your orders and those I could reap by following my instinct. 

Since July, I’ve read, studied and speculated on Your words every day. Each every Bible verse taught me a specific lesson that I was strongly advised to follow, if I wanted my life to be seen pleasing to His eyes. Among several hundreds lessons You’ve taught me so far, I have rarely put any of those lessons into action. You told me through James 1:25 to not become a “forgetful hearer” but become an “effectual doer.” In the past seven plus months, I’ve been the former; but I hope, and pray I could become the latter, hopefully starting this morning. 

About four hours ago, during a Facebook conversation with my American mother, she, 64, insisted that she is still a student and will forever keep her student status, in that she learns a new lesson every day by reading Your words. Good teacher, in my opinion, doesn’t hesitate to spank (or in a formal voice, reprimand) his students to lead them into a right path. You are without a doubt the best teacher I’ve met in life, Sire. You warned me this morning that had I continued to waver in faith, whatever work I intend to do for Your glory will become “useless” and “dead.” 

Father, I do really heart this time dedicated to studying and appreciating Your words. It’s now 4:54 a.m. Thanks God for letting me start this precious day early. If I may, I hope, and pray You would discourage me from doing any work with “selfish ambition,” so that the work I will bring to You today is done in a heartfelt manner, and to Your will. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 24, 2021

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Hebrews 11-13 — “By faith”

Father, 

If the Bible is a chronicle of events done to Your will, if every witness that spoke of You indeed told the truth, if every miracle that cannot be explained by science indeed happened, and if reading the Bible is the quickest way to establish an unconditional faith in You, Father, what have I done so far as so-called Christian? 

Hebrews 11 opens up by underscoring that faith is an act of believing in things “not seen.” I’ve, for countless times, complained about Your invisible presence, that I could not build an unconditional faith in You because I cannot see nor hear You. 

In almost every devotions I’ve written to You so far, I’ve told You my lifetime goal is to please You through my work; but at the same time, I’ve confessed many times through devotions that I still struggle to believe that You are real, because I’ve never seen You nor heard You. “And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him,” Hebrews 11:6 reads and strikes Sean Na really hard at 4:45 a.m., in his Ilsan home, Feb. 23, 2021. 

Through Hebrews 11, the phrase “By faith” gets repeatedly used more than a dozen times. After “By faith” follows a sequence of testimonies by Abraham, Moses, David and others, all of who kept their firm faith in Him even though nothing seemed clear in a middle of their endeavors to do His work and thus please Him. “By faith he (Moses) left Egypt, not fearing the wrath of the king; for he endured, as seeing Him who is unseen,” Hebrews 11:27 reads, and again, strikes Sean Na the second time. 

Father, in August, I eagerly hoped and prayed that You would have me move to Olympia, Washington, to perform a state government reporting duty. I thought and almost had no doubt that I would get the job; but You thought differently. In November, I eagerly hoped and prayed that You would have me publish my first solutions story via a major news publication. Again, I thought and almost had no doubt that I would get the story published; but once again, You thought differently. 

And right now, Father, there are three potential newsrooms that could hire me as their staff writer. One is in Oklahoma, and the other twos are stationed in Seoul. My hope and prayer is to get one of those Seoul jobs; but You may think differently. It is also possible that I may not get any of those three jobs, which I hope it wouldn’t occur to me; but again, You may think differently. 

“And all these, having gained approval through their faith, did not receive what was promised, because God had provided something better for us, so that apart from us they would not be made perfect,” Hebrews 11:39 reads, and strikes Sean Na the third time. 

Really, Your words say it all. No further comment is needed. 

The nameless authors of the Book of Hebrews declared in confidence that “The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What will man do to me?” 

You are my helper. Thus I won’t be afraid. What can I ask You for more?

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 23, 2021

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Isaiah 43:19 ; Hebrews 8-10 — Hardline lessons

Father,

Just moments ago, I clicked on the Bible app, and the app had me read Isaiah 43:19, which reads: “Behold, I am going to do something new, Now it will spring up; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19 read to me as if You would soon create a roadway to put an end to my months-long wandering off in the wilderness. 

Father, I am hoping to find out where my feet would land to do work on Your behalf, relatively soon. It may be this week, or early next month when I find out about my future whereabout. I hope, and pray this isn’t a coincidence that I opened up the Bible app first time in several weeks and read Your assurance told via Isaiah 43:19. 

Candidly speaking, I clicked on the Bible app because I didn’t know what to write after having read Hebrews chapter eight through 10. I would usually start a devotions by briefly discussing a relatable life episode to the chapters (or verses) I read in the Bible.

Throughout Hebrews chapter eight and nine, You spoke of the covenant You’ve long promised to me, that every sin I have and will have committed will all be wiped away because of Your bloody sacrifice (Hebrews 8:12); and that Your will will be done to lives of those who never stops awaiting Him in earnest (Hebrews 9:28). 

Then in chapter 10, You told me that You would not stay merciful to those who fail to hold a “sincere heart in full assurance of faith” and rather “shrink back to destruction” of evils. 

While reading chapter eight and nine, I thought I would dedicate today’s devotions to Him by fervently discussing His profuse grace having been laid upon my life. But then, after having finished read chapter 10, and after I learned of what-would-be merciless judgement of His to those who choose to act against His orders, I lost my train of thought. And I am still unsure whether the words I’ve filled in so far would ever read appropriate to Him.

Father, Your words from Hebrews 10:22 struck my conscience tonight, in that I think I’ve been acting the exact opposite to what You’ve long told me to do. “…draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water,” Hebrews 10:22 reads. You told me that a sincere, clean heart that’s free of evil conscience is a prerequisite to earn an eligibility to receive Your grace. And, I don’t think I haven’t yet earned the eligibility. I can’t discuss all in detail; however, I’ve done too many things that You’d hate to see me doing. 

Several days ago I wrote about the fair warning of which You told me to stay conscious in everyday of my life. And today, I am writing about another warning of Yours told in a stricter tone. 

Through Isaiah 43:19 You infused me with hopes; then through Hebrew 10 You taught me hardline lessons. 

I am still not sure how I should accept Your two, seemingly polarizing messages. What’s more problematic is that I am not sure how to end this devotions. I would usually end with a short prayer; but I ain’t sure what to pray about. 

OK, I will end this with this, 

Father, I can never understand Your words 100 percent; but I will continue in this endeavor of reading Your living words every day to gradually reinvent my attitude in a way that pleases You. I wish not to skip a day of studying your words. Father, this is my prayer to You tonight. 

If You will and may, please help me continue to study Your words every day, even after I get busier with a regular job. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 22, 2021

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Matthew 12:19 ; Hebrews 5-7 —’It’s OK, Son.’

Father, 

As soon as I came back from church past 8 p.m., I immediately sat at the desk, read Hebrews chapter five through seven, and intended to let You know how inspiring today’s sermon was to me in writing. I knew what I wanted to write to You. I was indeed excited to tell You of a Biblical eureka I came to realize at church for the first time in 28 years. 

Contrary to my will, however, my brain came to a halt that I couldn’t write a word for almost three hours. It’s now 10:40 p.m., and I am rather being compelled to come up with something readable to send Him before midnight — so as to keep the “daily” title for my devotional series. Not a good motivation, I know.  

Father, 

I learned today at church that You don’t work to get recognized by anyone. Even though You tirelessly work days and nights to keep Sean Na intact from those wandering evils that surreptitiously tries to impede my work on Your behalf and thus crack the relationship between us, as much senseless as I am, I fail to recognize Your work being done in my everyday life. Before today, I felt bad about not being able to sense Your work done for Sean Na. Then, today, I learned my inability to sense Your influence is what You’ve long intended me to do.

“He will not quarrel, nor cry out; nor will anyone hear His voice in the streets,” Matthew 12:19 reads. 

On Jan. 25, I repented of my poor attitude to You that: “Having attended countless church services, Sunday schools, and weekly Bible studies for nearly 27 years, I have probably been introduced to at least three fifth of the contents in the Bible. The sad part is — I barely remember any of them. When someone asks me what I’ve learned from a Sunday sermon several hours after, for nine out of ten times I say — I don’t remember.” 

Father, 

Every day, I try to learn and memorize as many new English expressions and words as I can. I’ve delicately documented a super long list of English words and expressions in a Microsoft OneNote file; and I visit the file at least five times a day, or whenever I could spare five to 10 minutes in between schedules. But, if You ask me, “Son, how much of efforts have you put in to learn and memorize My messages to you?” Oh boy… I ain’t sure how I should answer that question. 

Even still, today at church, I felt as if You were directly telling me that —“Son, it’s OK if you don’t acknowledge My work being realized in your life; it’s OK if you don’t take as much effort to learn My words; it’s all OK, because I will still work tirelessly to keep You close to My residence.”

In knowledge, I know how hard You work for me, and what I should do in return for Your heartfelt work. But in practice, I’ve always failed to give You a proper return. 

You’ve told me through Hebrews 6:16-17 that Your promise is “an end of every dispute,” and Your purpose is “unchangeable.” I have yet recognized Your promise made for my life, and am still trying to identify the purpose You want me to pursue. Father, I know I will continue to grapple with professional challenges that I’ve yet conquered. And I also know and acknowledge that I am too blind to identify Your promise made for my life. Nonetheless, Father, I hope and pray that the work I will do tomorrow is the work You want me to do. That’s all I am asking You for. Simple, but earnest as well. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 21, 2021

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Hebrews 2-4 — His warning

YouTube algorithm that arguably holds psychic power had me listen to the song “Stand By Me.” The lead singer, before he began strumming a classic guitar to start the rock ’n’ roll, explained of the song, saying: “This song says no matter who you are, no matter where you go in your life, at some points you’re gonna need somebody to stand by you.” 

Released in 1986 by the legendary singer Ben E. King, this song, to me, seems to be for those who’ve long felt as if they were the only one left astray in the middle of wilderness. “If the sky that we look upon should tumble and fall, or the mountain should crumble to the sea, I won’t cry, I won’t cry; No, I won’t shed a tear just as long as you stand, stand by me,” the song goes. 

While listening to this over and over, I was reading Hebrews chapter two through four, also, over and over. At the first reading, I understood at most 10 percent of the contents; at the second reading, I identified two sentences being repeated several times in the chapters — “Do not harden your hearts,” and “They shall not enter My rest” ; then at the third reading, the whole three chapters read to me like a direct warning from Him to me. But, I still wasn’t sure what type of warning He is trying to lay on me. 

And, I wanted to know the contents behind His warning, and I needed helps to do so. 

Several hours ago, my good friend Hyun (who’s led me into this endeavor of reading three chapters in the Bible every day) and Pastor Park helped me decipher the perplexities behind His messages. 

“Therefore, just as the Holy Spirit says, ’Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hears as when they provoked Me, as in the day of trial in the wilderness, where your fathers tried Me by testing Me, and saw My works for forty years, therefore I was angry with this generation, and said, They always go astray in their heart, and they did not know My ways.’ As I swore in My wrath, ’They shall not enter My rest,’” Hebrews 3:7-11 reads.

When the Israelites made a successful escape from Egypt and entered into the promising land Canaan where He provided every living necessity for free of charge, forgotten about free graces He’d bestowed on them, for forty years, the Israelites lived in defiance to His rules. Furious while watching them idolizing other gods, God raged at them and said, they “shall not enter My rest.” 

For forty years, God was patient and provided an abundance of opportunities for the disobedient Israelites to return back to Him; but they failed to grab any of those opportunities, because their hearts were too “hardened” to catch His signs. They did not know that God is “able to judge the thoughts and intentions of (our) heart,” as told in Hebrews 4:12. 

Father, have I been acting like those defiant Israelites? Have my heart been too hardened that I’ve failed to comply to Your orders? Nevertheless, am I still eligible to enter into Your rest?  

Before I read Your living words through the Book of Hebrews, I merely thought You would always stand by me however defiant my behavior is to You. 

Father, my everyday life isn’t flowing as smooth as I hope it is. I am still facing millions of uncertainties ready to challenge my faith in You. As the lead singer of the song “Stand By Me” says, no matter where I go in my life, I am going to need You to stand by me. But, I also know I should no longer rely on Your free graces. I need to give You reasons why You should keep standing by me. 

Father, I may have not given You enough reasons, yet. Nonetheless, if You’d remain merciful and lenient, would You give me one more chance? Please let me know.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 20, 2021

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Titus 3 ; Philemon 1 ; Hebrews 1 — Earnest prayer

Inside an express train bound to downtown Seoul, on my way to attend a late Friday night service for the first time since Aug. 2017, Father, I just finished reading Your living words delicately recorded in the books of Titus, Philemon and Hebrews. 

Father, unlike recent mornings, I did get up well before 6 a.m. today. ‘Time for devotions,’ I thought to myself while still in bed. Then, at the same time, I felt irritated for the fact that I had to read not just one verse, but three chapters in the Bible and brain-squeeze proper words for Him to read. I was perplex. I didn’t understand why I was being irritated for thinking of doing what I’d been doing every day since July. 

It wasn’t the lazy ghost, which’d been meddling in my ongoing endeavor to develop a close-knit relationship with Him. I felt as if something indescribably heavy and daunting pressing down on my entire body, keeping it trapped under the blanket longer than I wanted.  

In the end, I once again chose not to start my day by reading Your words. My choice wasn’t against my will. It was indeed made to my will. A total disservice to You, I admit. 

It’s now 6:34 p.m. In about 15 minutes, I would get off the train and spend an hour or two at a cafe to finish writing this to You. Father, I often call my devotions a devoted scribble, and I am indeed scribbling down words instantaneously on a Reporter’s Notebook.

Father, at 9 a.m., I will attend a late Friday night service for the first time in three and a half years. As far as my immature understanding, the Friday night service is for those devout Christ followers who want to give You an extended, outspoken prayer. To be honest, I would probably be mumbling a lot while everyone else is shouting devoted words to You in earnest during the service. 

Father, it’s now 7:52 p.m. Fifteen minutes ago I sat in a cafe, and revisited the chapters I read while in train.  

“This is a trustworthy statement; and concerning these things I want you to speak confidently,” Titus 3:8 reads. Father, am I ready? Am I really ready to speak to You in confidence? Am I really ready to bring Your lights to others’ lives through my work in confidence? I ain’t sure whether I really am. 

More than half a day has passed, and I still don’t understand why I was being so irritated this morning, Father. However bad and foolish I behave, and however capriciously my attitude changes, You’ve told me so many times that You’d always be by my  side, as attested in Hebrews 1:12 — which reads: “… But You are the same, and Your years will not come to an end.” 

Father, what should I be praying about tonight? In about an hour, I will step into the church, and will graciously be peer-pressured to pray out loud to You. I want my prayer to be logical and well thought out. I don’t wish to be mumbling in prayer. I want You to clearly listen to my pleas and respond.  

At the very least, I will sure pray that I will never again experience what I underwent this morning, so I would no longer act in treachery before You. 

Thanks for reading my another scribble, Sire. I will see You in about 53 minutes. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Feb. 19, 2021

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2 Timothy 4 ; Titus 1-2 — Write to Him in confidence and assurance like Paul always did

Last night, during a short conversation with Hyun with whom I’ve been sharing my devoted words for nearly two weeks, I told her I would send her this devoted note no later than 7:30 a.m., as originally planned and promised to Him in July. 

If I told someone I would do this no matter what, I thought, I would be less tempted to stay in bed longer than I planned, get up on time, and execute what-has-long-been breached promise to Him. But, once again, I got up well past 7 a.m., and thus missed out another opportunity to not shame myself before Him. 

It’s now 7:06 p.m. I wish I had a magical power to turn around the clock so I could switch the p.m. to a.m. whenever needed. Such childish thought, I know. But I am that disappointed in myself. 

I could’ve done my daily spiritual duty in mid morning; but I couldn’t because I needed at least an hour to get myself ready for the 8:30 a.m. Zoom meeting. Once again, I was compelled to prioritize my work over fulfilling my promise to Him. 

Just half an hour ago, my eyes spotted a line in the Bible that immaculately described my so-far attitude to Him.   

“They profess to know God, but by their deeds they deny Him, being detestable and disobedient and worthless for any good deed,” Titus 1:16 read. 

In the days and months, I pretended to be a faithful pursuer of Him. Whoever has once visited the devotions page in my journalism blog would be amused by a plethora of words I wrote based on verses in the Bible. 

Several weeks ago, I questioned myself why I write devotions every day, for what specific goal in mind. To let the world know how sincere I am to God, or to build a more intimate relationship with Him? My answer at the time was geared to the former; and I hate to admit, but from what I’ve watched myself behaving in recent days, I think I am still writing this because I want to promote myself to others.

Apostle Paul, toward the end of his second letter to Timothy, proudly wrote he indeed has “fought the good fight, finished the course, and kept the faith.” Because he behaved according to His will, he knew God would reward him big in near future; and he didn’t hesitate to acknowledge that in his letter to Timothy. “In the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day,” Paul wrote in 2 Timothy 4:8. 

Every time I read words by Apostle Paul, I almost immediately got jealous of him that I wish I could write to Him in such confidence and assurance like he always did. 

Father, once again, I am sending You another set of words half a day later than initially scheduled. Nevertheless, I hope and pray You would read my words sincerely; and if I dare, I hope You would send me a response as well. 

Thanks for being so understanding and lenient on this ill disciplined man, as always. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 18, 2021

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1 Timothy 4-6 — Open heart to accept Your words as written

“Until I come, give attention to the public reading of Scripture,” 1 Timothy 4:13 reads. 

Father, it’s now 12:18 p.m. I wanted to read Your words and write about them before my morning routine began at 9ish a.m. But again, the lazy ghost enslaved me this morning, and unfortunately I am writing this to You more than five hours later than originally planned and promised. 

Father, since Feb. 9, I’ve been reading three chapters in the Bible every day, and tried to write You a more thoughtful response to Your living words. During the first week of doing this, I felt as if I were having an immersive experience with every word I was reading on the Scripture. From the Book of Ephesians to most recently  the books of Thessalonians, every chapter in these Holy books read personal to me. As journalism schools teach every word in a story should be counted and thus never be wasted, every word included in letters from Apostle Paul to his beloveds burned bright in my conscience, until last night. 

It’s now 12:53 p.m. For 35 minutes, I only wrote one complete paragraph. Usually, as soon as I finish “close-reading” words in the Bible, I would almost immediately and relentlessly start typing up words on my laptop. By now, I should’ve written up at least several hundreds words, supposedly devoted to Him. 

Father, honestly speaking, I am feeling lazy right now. I read 1 Timothy 4-6 twice at noon. Unlike the past eight days, no verse in these chapters stood out to my eyes. This isn’t good, Father. In just eight days, I became lazy before You. 

At the very least, however, I am thankful that You had me read 1 Timothy 4:13. I reckon this isn’t Your direct statement; but believe it’s the statement You wrote through the hands of Apostle Paul. 

I did not pay my full attention while reading Your words this afternoon. I rather just wanted to quickly skim over Your words to make me feel as if I’ve done my daily duty to Him. Even still, You had me stop at the verse 13 of 1 Timothy chapter four. “Give attention to the public reading of Scripture,” this order of Yours really hit my conscience. 

Father, whether I read Your words in private or through a church sermon, please help me develop an open heart to accept Your words as they are. Reading living words of Yours should be not taxing but mirthful. This afternoon, I felt burdened when reading Your words. I felt pressured that I had to write something out of these verses that I barely understood. 

Father, I wish not to undergo this difficult experience I am undergoing right now. It’s now 1:18 p.m. One hour has passed; and the contents I will send to You soon won’t meet Your expectations. Nevertheless, if You will, please read my words, Sire, and respond, if You’d stay merciful to this wicked man.  

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 17, 2021

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2 Timothy 1-3 — Iron-willed determination to serve You

In late September, I drove nearly four hours to Gyeongsang South Province to meet An Tae-wan, an iron-willed farmer who considered growing organic rice as his lifetime mission he ought to pursue until death. Despite a low profit margin, at least a double amount of hand work required than growing non-organic, and the egregious COVID-19 pandemic that brought him a negative profit margin in 2020, An never thought of forfeiting his organic business to pursue a less stressful life, both mentally and physically. 

“Why do you grow organic rice?” I asked An during our interview. “Growing organic rice is definitely more taxing than growing non-organic,” An responded. “I am not so concerned about bringing profits. As long as I learn every day that my labor brings a healthier meal to school kiddos and future generations, I will stay in this business however hardship comes in my way.” 

The 70-year-old farmer knew why he had to stick with organic agriculture. He held a specific, crystal-clear goal in mind. Every day, he drove a moped to rice farms not just to make his daily ends meet but to serve the people he loved and cared about —school children. 

This episode with An was brought into my memory tonight while reading 2 Timothy chapter one through three. Apostle Paul, in his second letter to Timothy, warned that life dedicated to serving Him would follow a series of hardships and challenges. Paul underscored the need to embrace “clear conscience” when doing work on His behalf — so that those who want to serve Him won’t get easily swayed by worldly temptations in the middle of their endeavor. 

“Be strong, (as) difficult times will come (to you),” Paul wrote in 2 Timothy. He told me not to be a lover of self and money but be one of “lovers of God,” as written in 2 Timothy 3:2-4, if I sincerely want to serve Him through my work. 

I am not sure whether An believes in the Bible; but he does possess characteristics required to bring work that pleases Him — selflessness, unwavering sense of determination, and love of children whom he loves serving through his hand labor at the farms. 

Like An, Father, I want to love serving You through my work. Money is hard to reject, I admit. However, Father, please help me develop eyes that only look up to Your values; and ears that only listen to Your words. 

Father, every day is a battle against myself. With no one supervising my work, I often see myself being lazy and restless amidst work time. Father, if I may, I want to wake up every morning with an iron-willed sense of determination that I want every hour of today be used to serve You. Please help me do so, if You will.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 16, 2021

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1 Timothy 1-3 — My understanding of homosexuality

Before summer of 2016, I was homophobic. Whenever my little eyes spotted a man wearing a deeply-cut V-neck T-shirt along with a super tight shorts, my eyes tended to laser-beam a grimace at him. 

Then on June 6. 2016, as I was stepping into an apartment in Washington D.C., I encountered a man wearing a deeply-cut V-neck T-shirt, an exact outfit by which I had used to be disgusted. Moments later, I soon learned I would spend the next three months sharing a room with this man. I was worried that I may have been seen homophobic to my new roommate. I tried not to be, though. In fact, I thought at least twice before I said anything to him. 

Anthony, my new roommate, was so sharp and smart that he quickly caught why I was slow to respond to him. “Sean, don’t be nervous when talking to me,” he said. “You know, I am very used to this.” On that night, he and I went outside for dinner. We had sushi rolls, along with a hot Japanese Sake. While being almost half drunk, at the outdoor dinning table, I confessed to him that I was homophobic. He first laughed at my confession, then said he appreciated that I was being honest to him.

Almost five years have passed ever since we met; and Anthony is still one of my good American friends. During that summer, we shared lots of heartfelt, man-to-man conversations about homosexualism and prejudices against gays and lesbians that Anthony confronted every day. Because of him, I’ve come to empathize him and the LGBTQ community in general, and am no longer homophobic but a proponent of the LGBTQ rights.

The Bible, of course, says homosexuality is sin against Him; and my bolstering the LGBTQ community may be deemed sinful to Him. 

Just half an hour ago, while reading 1 Timothy 1-3, I spotted the word “homosexual” being categorized as a deed that only sinful men do. Apostle Paul, in his first letter to Timothy, enumerated a list of conducts Christians should and shouldn’t do. The overarching lesson Paul asserted me to adapt and follow is — “Love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith……(and avoid) fruitless discussion,” as written in 1 Timothy 1:5-6. 

Father, I don’t think every discussion I had with Anthony was fruitless. It was rather very inspiring and enlightening to me, even though the discussion topic may not be Your favorite. 

Father, as person, friend, journalist and Christian, I believe one of the very traits I ought to have is an ability to listen, empathize, and share words with whoever in sincerity. You may not like to read me writhing this; but, I believe gays and lesbians could also be Your faithful follower. My depth of wisdom and knowledge is too shallow that I can never decipher more than 0.1 percent of Your messages written in the Bible. Nevertheless, if I may dare, I hope and pray You would understand why I don’t view my friend Anthony as sinner.

Father, I do believe You’ve told me to treat whoever in love as You define it. 

Father, I confess I yet hold too many prejudices that they often hinder me from practicing Your love to those socially neglected. As You never hesitated to stay with the lowest, Father, I want to adapt Your characteristics into my own. Please help me do so, if You will. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Feb. 15, 2021

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2 Thessalonians 1-3 ; Matthew 12:1-8 — Be heartfelt in conducts done to Him

Heartfelt. It’s the word I had never used before I started writing this devotional series. Its literal definition isn’t defined as a sentence form. Sincere; deeply and strongly felt, Merriam-Webster defines. Almost in every devotions I’ve sent to Him so far, the word heartfelt is used at least once. 

Yesterday I questioned myself whether I’ve been “heartfelt” at least when I was writing devotions to Him. I wanted to say yes to the question, but couldn’t do so confidently. 

This morning before I headed to church I read 2 Thessalonians chapter one through three. Almost every verse in these chapters read to me as if I were being simultaneously reprimanded for my poor, deceitful conducts done to Him. “For we hear that some among you are leading an undisciplined life, doing no work at all, but acting like busybodies,” 2 Thessalonians 3:11 read. 

‘My goodness, this is me’ was my gut reaction as I was reading the verse. Too many times in life I felt determined that I would live a disciplined life every day, starting today; then the next day, I saw myself slacking off. Too many times in life I pleaded Him to help me live a disciplined life; but my earnest pleas have for most times not turned into real action. Without a doubt, I’ve been acting like a “busybody” while not doing work deemed pleasing to His eyes. 

“Are you in a position where you can help save more lives?” the pastor questioned me toward the end of his Sunday sermon today. ‘I want to be in the position, yes, pastor,’ I answered, inside myself. ‘But I am unsure whether I hold such talents and personality to be eligible to be in the position.’ 

The sermon was based on Matthew 12:1-8, through which Jesus told me not to be too dogged about following the worldly rules; instead, be compassionate and heartfelt through your work geared to helping others in need.

Honestly speaking, I only understood 40 percent of the sermon at most. My good friend Hyun helped me better decipher the sermon during our after-service meeting; but as much as I like to write my Feb. 14, 2021, reflection based on it, I also don’t want to falsely represent His messages enumerated in the Holy Scripture here. 

To the very least, Father, I hope I’ve gotten the gist of the sermon that You want me to give my everything to serving the people You love with compassion and sincerity. 

Father, it’s already Feb. 14. Time really does elapse excruciatingly fast. I am not at all content about what I have done in the first 45 days in 2021; and I don’t want to redo the wrong.

Heartfelt, really. Father, if I may send You one more plea on Your way, help me be heartfelt at least when I am trying to communicate with You. I am yet confident to be heartfelt in every action I will make starting tomorrow, as I know how wicked I am — that I would likely watch myself trying to act deceitfully for my own benefits, again. 

Step by step, Father. A gradual progress to be a version of Sean Na that You desire is what I am shooting for. Will You be with me in this endeavor? 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 14, 2021

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1 Thessalonians 3-5 — Heartfelt, not crooked, motive

While reading approximately half way down to 1 Thessalonians chapter 3 this morning, its verse 7 put my eyeballs on halt. “For this reason, brethren, in all our distress and affliction we were comforted about you through your faith,” the verse read. It didn’t read anything special to me at first; but then, after having read it the second, and the third time, I was compelled to ask myself — “Sean, would people who happen to read any of your devotional series feel comforted and spiritually rested while they are reading through your words to Him?” 

That question stopped me from continuing scribbling down my Feb. 13, 2021, devotions at 9ish a.m. I, for nearly 10 years, have been writing news stories with a specific goal in mind — that I want as many people to read this story, and help them feel relieved and (hopefully) glad that they learn of an information they otherwise would have not learned had they missed reading the story. 

‘Why am I writing this to Him today, for what specific reason?’ I thought to myself. ‘Beside Him, do I also expect more people would read this and feel how spiritual Sean Na is?’ I thought, again. ‘More than a half of my devotions written so far since July discuss my spiritual tribulations and professional battles; how on earth would those who happen to read my complaints at random think of Sean Na while reading through a flood of whines I silently shell out at Him?’ I thought, the last time. After this, I shut off my computer and went on doing something else. 

It’s now 2:06 p.m. Almost five hours have passed since. Throughout this morning and early afternoon, while doing something else, I’ve been lingering on a question I am hesitant to write here. Let me admit that I am super conscious of how I am viewed to others’ eyes; and how my words get read to others. Superlative recognition is likely what I’ve been wanting to receive from those who read any of my devotional series. ’Sean, your devotions really inspire me,’ ‘Your use of English expressions is something I’ve never read before,’ ‘I can see how much God loves you, Sean,’ ’Sean, you are a great writer that I have no doubt you will become an accomplished journalist.’ Comments like these are probably what I’ve been anticipating to receive ever since I started posting a daily devotions on my journalism blog in September.

Do I want to become famous by continuing writing this devotional series, every day? I really don’t want to acknowledge that be famous has been my primary motive to have started posting my “supposedly” devoted words on the blog. But it may well be the motive I’ve held for months and months. 

“For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. So, he who rejects this is not rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you,” 1 Thessalonians 4:7-8 reads. Impurity used in 1 Thessalonians refers to sins stemmed from sexual misconducts. But to me, the word impurity seems to describe my so-far, crooked motive in writing devoted words, “supposedly,” to Him only. 

Throughout 1 Thessalonians chapter 4, the word sleep is repeatedly used to delineate those who fail to recognize His presence even if He’s so near to them. The motive in having started writing this devotional series that I’ve been self-advertising to others is to place my everyday life near to Him and get better at catching His signs. Am I even writing today’s reflection based on the motive as advertised? I ain’t sure, really not sure. 

After having finished reading 1 Thessalonians chapter 5, I felt envious of Apostle Paul — in that I could easily sense that he was writing the letter to the Thessalonians in such confidence that God is real, He is alive, and He will descend from Heaven to earth to ultimately save us all. I yet hold such confidence like Paul did. Maybe, my yet precarious faith in Him has so far shaped the crookedly motivated Sean Na. 

Father, I ain’t sure what else I could further add to my note to You today. Had I been deceitful to You in the past months, please know, that wasn’t what I really intended myself to be seen to Your eyes. I sure want to be seen heartfelt to You, if I ever can. 

Father, if You will, please cleanse every dirt lingering on my soul. My vacuum cleaner is not powerful enough to do it; but Yours is. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 13, 2021

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Colossians 4 ; 1 Thessalonians 1 & 2 — Act like chosen one

This morning, for the first time in seven years, I was humbled to give a New Year’s bow to my beloved parents in celebration of the Lunar New Year. After my bow followed loving, well-wishing remarks from my parents. “Son, do your best to write stories that matter to the world,” my father said. “You’ve been in this industry for more than 10 years now. It’s now time to unfold your potential.” My mother didn’t add much to supportive words by her husband; but did say, “Son, I have no doubt that God will look after you, no matter where you are and whatever you do.” 

Every word coming from the deepest in their caring hearts sailed into the deepest in my heart. More than 10 hours have passed since. But, still, every word they spoke this morning resonates inside me.

As I am carefully scribbling this to Him, at 1815 hours in a nearby Starbucks, and as I am recollecting the 10-hour-old memory from this morning, I am asking to myself — “Sean, how many times in your life have you carefully and deliberately listened to His words spoken to you?” 

I am not sure, Father, whether I want to be honest with my answer to this spontaneous question. However careless I have been when it comes to listening to Your words in the past, Father, this one I am writing to You right now, I hope and pray, will get written in a manner of sincerity and honesty, and read well-pleasing to You.

Father, I just finished reading Colossians chapter 4 and 1 Thessalonians chapter 1&2.

Father, You told me I am Your chosen one through Thessalonians 1:4. Am I really, Your chosen one? Would You still choose me even though I continue disappointing You as I have done countless times, though I knew I shouldn’t? Through which criteria have You evaluated my candidacy to be Your chosen one, and thought I am indeed eligible to pass the thresholds to reside in Your presence? 

Father, through 1 Thessalonians 2:4, You told me: “But just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who examines our hearts,” You have probably looked into my wicked heart; have certainly been shocked to learn how deceitful I have been to myself and You; and have likely been tempted to leave me alone in a middle of the wilderness. But You have graciously decided not to leave me alone, but entrust me instead. 

Father, too many times in my life I have acted in disguise to You. As You told me through 1 Thessalonians 2:5, I’ve tried to “flatter” You through my deceitful behaviors. This mere note I intend to send to You soon could be my most recent act of deceit to You, though I sincerely hope not. I like to believe that I know myself the most than anyone else does; but there have been too many occasions in life in which I didn’t understand why I spoke this, did this, and went there. 

Father, I hope, and pray that every speech and act I make from now on is all driven by my eager desire to please Your ears and eyes. I want my everyday service becomes a heartfelt service to those who I intend to serve. As Apostle Paul gave his everything to spread Your words to those who hadn’t heard, Father, I also want to give my everything to help as many people (to) invite Your light to flare inside their minds, through my work. 

Father, I confess I’ve lacked fulfilling Your expectations, and would probably disappoint You many more times in future. Will You, nonetheless, offer help? 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 12, 2021

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Colossians 1,2 & 3 — Prayer: Most effective way to fill myself with knowledge of His will

On the morning of July 16, I woke up late as usual. The clock was pointing at almost noon. Feeling restless as I had been since I had had moved to Indiana from Missouri in late May, I knew I needed to do something to get out of this annoying state of restlessness. For more than a month from late May to mid July, I, who considered himself a writer, didn’t write any. For more than a month, the lazy man didn’t do anything but ate, watched entertaining videos on YouTube, walked a dog, slept late, and woke up late. 

He knew, really knew that he shouldn’t be spending each day like this, like a man wandering off in a middle of directionless land. At the time I was having a series of job interviews from various U.S. publications. The Topeka State Journal, The Steamboat Pilot & Today and The Olympian were among those publications considering Sean Na as potential staff reporter. But the hiring process lagged, and I was getting exhausted of having to extend the end date of my waiting game, again and again. 

Living in a little town, with a population just above 1,600, there wasn’t much to do other than strolling at the adjacent public park. I once tried to scout for news stories by trying to do streets journalism while roaming around the downtown Lafayette; but due to a rising public fear of contracting the coronavirus from any person encountered, my reckless attempt to write stories right off the streets graciously failed. 

As writer and once pro journalist, not having had anything to do with writing for more than a month frustrated me. I needed to write literally whatever, just to not forget how to write sentences in English. 

That was why I originally started writing devotions every day, starting in the late morning of July 16, to not let my writing skill rust away. So yes, my original intention of writing devotions to Him came from a purely selfish mindset, I admit. But, at the very least, I promised Him that I would write my “supposedly” devoted words to Him first thing in every morning. 

My promise to Him, however, was breached too many times in the past seven plus months. Too many times I found myself reluctantly trying to scribble some words to send Him 15 minutes till midnight. Whenever I woke up past 7:30 a.m., because I thought I had to start my work day right at 9 a.m., I always put off writing a reflection on His words until late evening. 

To me, for more than half a year, serving Him wasn’t (and maybe still is) my priority. I valued work more than His words.

This morning, I once again overslept. I woke up well past 9:30 a.m. But this time, as soon as I splashed cold water on face, I sat at my desk, started close-reading Your words, and am still writing this to You at 11:27 a.m. 

Father, just an hour ago I was reading Colossians 1 through 3. It was a heartfelt, hand-written letter from Apostle Paul to folks in Colossae. At every chapter, Paul underscored why it’s so important to be in a constant touch with Him, whether via worship, prayer, or whatever mode. 

Father, I’ve written You numerous times that “I am always thankful of Your help and support in my life.” But, honestly speaking, I ain’t sure whether I ever felt genuinely thankful of You in the past seven months. I ain’t sure whether I ever outspokenly told You — “Thank You, God” — in the midst of my day. And, I ain’t sure whether what I am writing to You right now comes from a pure or crooked motive. 

Father, You told me through Apostle Paul that without prayers, there isn’t a way to fill myself with the knowledge of Your will; and You told me that if I ever want to walk this rocky road with You, I need to deepen my knowledge of Your will, which can only be done through prayer, as told in Colossians 1:9-10, which reads: “For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respect, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.”

Father, I confess my original intention of writing devotions was crooked. But what’s worse is I may still be writing this to You with the same, crooked intention I held in July. However deceitful I may have been to You, Father, You nonetheless pour lots of grace onto my life. I’ve been, too many times, “engaged in evil deeds,” as told in Colossians 1:21. Nevertheless, You have “reconciled me in His fleshly body through death, in order to present me before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach,” as told in Colossians 1:22. Goodness, Father. Really, I ain’t sure how to react to Your words here in Colossians. 

Father, You told me through Paul that I need to do all of my work, whether professional or personal, “in the name of the Lord Jesus,” so as to give thanks through “Him to God the Father,” as told in Colossians 3:17. I confess I has lacked doing what You’ve told me to do, even though I knew how. 

Father, this late morning, at 11:53 a.m., before I close out my Feb. 11, 2021, reflection on Your living words, I hope and pray I would gradually develop a habit of anchoring my every day life on serving Your purposes through an act of worship and, most importantly, prayer.

Father, as You told me through 1 John 5:14 that “This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us,” I sincerely hope and pray Your will becomes my will; Your plan becomes my plan; and Your desire becomes my desire. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Feb. 11, 2021

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Philippians 2,3 & 4 — First time experience in 28 years

Father, what I will write to You from now on will likely read immature to You. But this is how I just felt as I was reading the last eight verses of Philippians chapter 4. For some unaccounted reasons, words in the Bible, for the first time in my life, read personal to me. They came to me in a more intimate fashion that I felt as if I were reading a hand-written letter from a close friend of mine. Yes, this may be just a transient feel, or could well be a pretended feel 100 percent derived from my own illusion. Even still, Father, if You will, I hope You would read my words in seriousness, and respond. 

Father, it’s now 8:30 a.m. And I admit that I should’ve already finished writing this scribble well before 7 a.m. I woke up at 5:20 a.m.; but the lazy ghost overtook my soul; and I ended up lollygagging almost two hours in bed. Plus, though I don’t really want to admit this, I had once thought writing this “supposedly” heartfelt scribble to You tedious, even irksome a little, that it took almost two hours to pull myself out of bed and forcibly brought my lazy butt to the desk. 

Father, I am nonetheless here writing You this; and I now feel relieved and even thankful that I did get to read Philippians chapter 2,3 and 4 before I officially begin my February the tenth. 

Father, the Book of Philippians was what I closely read and studied about a month ago through a church’s Bible study. But, unfortunately, while I was reading it again yesterday and today, I could rarely recall what I learned of the Book in January. This is bad, I know. But this is how I’ve been reacting to Your words, Sire. A pretended Christian may be. 

Father, I know I am far away from being humbled. I like to brag, though I have almost nothing to brag about for myself. In 2009, I bragged about earning above 100 on TOEFL exam to a friend who didn’t do so well on the same exam. In 2015, I acted as if I were a New York Times writer though I could barely write one flawless English sentence at the time merely because I’d interned at The Associated Press before. After I moved back to South Korea in September 2017, I acted as if I were a master in journalism, although I didn’t have a valid journalist credential from a legitimate news publication. And in recent days and weeks, I’ve been acting as if I were a highly regarded journalist, even though I haven’t published any yet in 2021.

Unlike myself, You’ve always humbled to Yourself. “Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross,” Philippians 2:8 reads. You chose not to exercise the power You so well deserved to use for Yourself. Instead, You chose to stay humble throughout Your days on earth — to talk to those socially neglected people in a more cordial fashion; to encourage as many people to come to You and get saved; and to realize upward wishes on earth.

Because of Your humble and heartfelt services provided (for free) to Sean Na, I, if I am ever entitled, as Apostle Paul did in Philippians 2:11,  “confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” 

Father, I have a goal in mind. It’s the goal I’ve long set for myself for years. It’s the goal that could be deemed absurd to others. But I haven’t yet forfeited this goal to comply to the world. I believe this is the goal You want me to achieve on earth, not for myself, but for others in need, and most importantly for Your glory. “Press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus,” You told me through Philippians 3:14. “ Who set their minds on earthly things. For our citizenships is in heaven, from which also we eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ,” You once again reminded me of this crucial lesson via Philippians 3:19-20.

Father, it’s now 9:14 a.m., and as soon as I send this scribble to You, I will begin my work. My interesting life is still hanging in the air that every day I feel like as if I were throwing many eggs against the rock. Yes, I am not content of where I am; nor am I content of a quality of work I bring each day. Inside, I know I am supposed to be content of what I have. But as greedy as I am, Father, it’s not so easy to be satisfied by my current whereabouts. I always want more, achieve more, and enjoy more. 

To my greedy desires, You told me to learn “to be content in whatever circumstances I am.” “Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am,” Philippians 4:11 reads. 

Father, I ain’t sure what’d be a proper response to the lessons You’ve provided to me this morning. How would You want me to react to Your grace provided to me, free of charge? I am just really thankful of a new friendship I recently developed, which’s propelled me to read three chapters in the Bible today and yesterday. 

Father, it’s now 9:21 a.m. Time to kick off my work day. Would You join me? Entrance fee is and will always be free for You, Sire. So please come, and enjoy watching over my work. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 10, 2021

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Ephesians 4-5 ; Philippians 1 — Close-reading Your words

About 12 years ago, while in high school, I remember myself swiftly turning each page of the New Testament in the Bible, all the way from the Book of Matthew to Revelation, without even glimpsing at a single word in each page, in just an hour or two, to rationalize myself that I indeed read the whole New Testament — and therefore I deserved to receive extra credits for the high school Bible class. 

At the time I recall my overall semester grade for the class went up by .5 percent or less. It would’ve been at least somewhat rewarding had my letter grade for the class gone up from like an A- to a solid A, but it did not. In the end, my cheating on Him didn’t reap any reward to myself but left me an uncomfortable feel, which still lingers inside me 12 years later.

Then two days ago, I learned a good friend of mine whom I recently befriended at church has been trying to read the whole New Testament not just by merely reading but also by writing a reflection on three chapters my friend read every morning. ‘I should’ve been doing that 12 years ago, but I chose to cheat,’ I thought to myself upon learning about it. 

Thus this morning, in a mere attempt to repent what I did to Him 12 years ago and to feel what’s really like to close-read chapters in the New Testament, I close-read from Ephesians chapter 4 to Philippians chapter 1. And here’s my reaction after having carefully consumed Your words, Father. 

Through Ephesians chapter 5, You told me to become an imitator of You. You told me to get out of the dark swamp and learn to do what’s pleasing to Your eyes. And, You told me to wake up, this time, really. 

“For you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light……trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord……for this reason it says, ‘Awake, sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you,” Ephesians 5:8, 10 & 14 read. 

I admit, Father, that I chose not to seek You when I was in distress. In fact, I used to pompously brag about the way I deal with stress to friends — that I sternly step into a quiet bar, order a glass of old-fashioned, and very slowly start sipping the glass while reading a good book, supposedly very philosophical. 

You told me through Ephesians 5:17 that I need to “understand what the will of the Lord is.” Not sure how much of efforts have I really put in to understand Your will. Whenever my brain feels a headache-like squeeze, instead of trying to relax myself by reading Your words or talking to You, I still watch myself searching for an entertaining video to watch on YouTube along with a good can of beer and nuts. 

Father, I am super vulnerable to worldly temptations surrounding my life. Nine out of 10 times I do get defeated by those evil entices. You told me through Ephesians 6:13 to “take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.”

Where to find Your armor, Sire? Where in life can I find it? You told me the easiest way to find and wear Your armor is to read and live by Your word, every day. To You that may be the easiest thing to do; but to me, that’s not so easy to do, as I am not as firm and determined like You. 

It could well be that I am writing this (supposedly) devoted scribble to You just to make me feel better. It could well be that for the past seven plus months, I may have been merely trying to justify before You that I am indeed a faithful follower of You so please reward me big. 

Father, even though I am writing devotions out of “selfish ambition,” You told me that You would still accept my words and respond. “The former proclaim Christ out of selfish ambition rather than from pure motives…… whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed,” You’ve told me these assuring words through Philippians 1:17-18. 

Father, I no longer want to fake You. I no longer want to be a cheater. But I want to be genuine before You. I know I’ve been really selfish and asking You too many favors, instead of trying to think of ways to please You. 

Father, it’s already 8:04 a.m. Soon I will start unfolding my Feb. 9, 2021. As I spend each hour today, please help me stay conscious of Your presence — so I would no longer be tempted to slack off, like I was for too much times and days. 

That’s all for today. Thanks for reading my another scribble, Sire. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 9, 2021

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Hebrews 4:12 — Fair warning from Him

At 5:37 a.m., still half asleep, while rubbing off my sleepy eyes, I reluctantly opened up the Bible app to read today’s living words of His. 

“For the word of God is living and active…,” the today’s verse of His begins. ‘Another same old cliche!’ I thought to myself before getting into the last 10 words of the verse. “(For the word of God) is able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart,” the last 10 words of the 42-word verse read. And I am no longer asleep. 

His word can penetrate into my heart and judge my every thought and intention of an action I do every day. It isn’t a same-old cliche I can find seemingly everywhere in the Bible. It doesn’t read like words meant to encourage and reinvigorate my soul. Instead, it read to me like a direct warning freshly delivered from Him to Sean this morning. 

“For the word of God is living and active, and sharper than any two-edged sword, even penetrating as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart,” Hebrews 4:12 reads. 

It’s now 6:17 a.m. I will probably be done writing this scribble in about 20 minutes or so. After that, I would do some push-ups, chug down a fat bottle of smoothie to bloat up my belly, take a steamy shower, check out today’s hot headlines, entertain myself by listening to a news podcast — and slightly before 9 a.m., I would “supposedly” start doing work, the work I believe He expects me to do. 

But, while knowing what needs to be done right now, I may choose to slack off instead. Instead of starting eyeballing a slew of public records and press releases, I would log into YouTube and spend a good hour watching Alec Baldwin impersonating then U.S. President Donald Trump on Saturday Night Live. 

What I just wrote of a thing I must have not done, I’ve done on a recurring basis in the past months. And according to Hebrews 4:12, every slacking off I did so against my and His will, He did judge and count my every poor deed into His record book — that He may open it up to me on the judgement day, maybe. 

“For forty years I loathed that generation, and said they are a people who err in their heart. And they do not know My ways, Therefore I swore in My anger, truly they shall not enter into My rest,” Psalm 95:10-11 read. 

Father, I don’t want to be one of “a people” described in Psalm 95. Yes, I confess I’ve been acting like one of “a people,” and thus I yet deserve to enter into Your rest. But, please know, Sire, that I want to fix my lazy habit, start taking ownership of every move I make each day, start making You feel OK watching over me, and ultimately be eligible to enter into Your rest.  

I am yet eligible, I know. But I will work hard, and earn the eligibility to rest in Your shelter, both mentally and physically,  hopefully soon. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 8, 2021

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Matthew 11:28 — No longer want to feel laden

Laden. It’s the word I learned in November while reading Lee Chang-rae’s immersive book titled — “Native Speaker.” In the book, Lee described himself as a Korean-American outsider laden with a flood of identity crises within a predominantly white community. Yellower skin, frustration over distinctive Asian accent, and inherited dogma among Asian descendants that we Asian must remain as peace-, not trouble-, maker kept pushing Lee to the outermost edge of the community. Lee ended up failing to caste away self-created burdens on his shoulders, and just kept living his alien-like life in America, staying laden with concerns over his different look and traits. 

I used the word “laden” twice ever since, in a mere effort to bluntly tell Him how desperate I’ve been to hear His voice, catch His sign, and figure out His plan for Sean Na. 

“Father, I’ve never felt this overwhelmed in my life. My shoulders feel like laden with tons, tons of heavy stone,” I wrote to Him on Nov. 9. Three days later, I once again wrote: “In the past few days were hectic. A seemingly endless workload tired my soul. Laden with work-related pressures over pressures, I failed to make a conscious effort to spare just 30 minutes each morning to devote myself to Him.” 

This bittersweet word hadn’t sprung up to my life since my last use of it in Nov. 12. Then, this morning, at 10:30ish a.m., it re-emerged at last, this time on the Bible. 

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest,” Matthew 11:28 reads. 

These empowering words of His were a part of the Biblical passage that set the base for today’s sermon. 

The pastor ended the sermon with a thought-provoking statement, which read: “We do grow weary if we do His work only with a sense of commitment and obligation. But when we do His work because we love doing it on His behalf, we don’t grow weary.”

This ending statement hit me, rather hard, and almost immediately an influx of random thoughts flooded inside me. 

‘Do I genuinely love doing work on His behalf?’ ‘If so, why am I seeing myself slacking off too much every day?’ ‘Do I really feel committed to living each day to His will?’ ‘What needs to change inside me to revamp my attitude toward Him?’ ‘Really, what does He want me to do anyway?’ ‘What specific task does He want me to do each day?’ ‘If He wants me to love doing His work, He needs to come forward and unfold His grandiose plan right in front me. But that’s not going to happen.’ 

On verse 25 from Matthew 11, Jesus said — “I praise You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and intelligent and have revealed them to infants.” Infants here refer to those who aren’t stubborn to themselves but are unconditionally subservient to His orders, like how toddlers react to their moms.

Have I been too stubborn to You, Father? Is that why You’ve been hesitant to revealing Your plan to me?. Yes, I’ve often said publicly that I am the one whom I most trust over anyone else. But, but, You know from my deepest heart You are the one whom I think I must trust the most. 

Father, I still feel laden, if not so heavy. I still feel uncertain of my future. Overwhelming uncertainties surrounding my life have really downgraded quality of work I bring to You every day. I know I am making an absurd excuse; however, those uncertainties have somewhat propelled me to slack off “a lot” each day. I know slacking off is not what You want me to do, but I still do it, against my will, though I know I shouldn’t be doing it. 

As the pastor said, Father, I want to love doing work on Your behalf. Whether that work is related to journalism or not, whatever You order me to do, I want to love doing it. So, please, tell me, Sire. 

What do You want me to do; and what can I do to love doing work for You? 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 7, 2021

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Isaiah 41:10 — A famous cliche from the Bible

Since the first day I wrote devoted words to Him in July, very frequently, almost every day, I’ve been reminded of a simple truth, through seemingly identical messages in a different wording, that He always breathes inside me; that He works with me at every segment of my daily life; and that He’s long prepared a plan only for me. 

Thus, the bottom line is that — there’s no reason for me to fear what’s coming in future.

“Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will also help you, I will also uphold you with My righteous right hand,” Isaiah 41:10 reads. 

Unfortunately, I’ve been feeling the direct opposite to what Isaiah 41:10 says I ought to feel. The almost everyday reminder I get through the Bible hasn’t really helped me feel less fearful of my future. Especially in recent days, when I know I would probably be left with two career options to choose, reading another empowering, but seemingly same-old message from the Bible hasn’t really hit my skin. 

But here again, my good Father wants me to read a famous cliche from the Bible that He will always strengthen and help Sean Na so I won’t feel any need to fear of tomorrow and beyond. 

The next 10 days would tell me where I would be heading in March. From my deepest heart, my personal greed tells me that Sean Na wants to get a correspondent job in Seoul. But that comes from my wish. If His wish is have me fly to the United States and serve those indigenous populations  through my journalism, well, I will do as told.

Father, You once again have told me not to fear, but stay relaxed and calm as Your righteous right hand will negate my fear, however big or small, and then reinvigorate my soul with Your strength.

Father, whichever path You want me to roll I will go. Until the decision day, if I will, I want to politely ask You to help me stay on alert and ready — so that I can hit the ground rolling without sweating on the first day of my regular job day, whether that’s done in Seoul or elsewhere. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 6, 2021

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Deuteronomy 6:5 — With all my soul, heart, and strength

About a year ago inside an airplane en route to Missouri, I watched an enlightening movie called “The King’s Speech.” The movie chronicled the English King George VI’s hard-won triumph over his chronic stuttering. As king, it was inevitable that he had to deliver public speech frequently, especially in a time of war. 

Every painstaking effort he made to overcome his fear over stuttering; fear over ridiculing himself in front of hundreds of thousands of the crowds; and fear over a prolonged thought that he would never be able to deliver a speech like a normal person really moved me — because I do have the same problem: stuttering. 

I do stutter a lot, especially when I get nervous. Even when I am not nervous, stuttering breaks out of my soul. As journalist, I’ve been to quite a few news conferences, one of which I had to deliver a question on microphone to a spokesperson for the Pope Francis during his visit to Seoul. As nervous as I was, of course, I stuttered; and my stuttering was aired through TV on live. Surrounded by other professional and eloquent journalists of prestigious news publications, I, then assistant news producer for The Associated Press, felt immensely overwhelmed. 

As journalist, it’s imperative that I need to sound loud and clear to those who are expected to hear and understand my question and answer. Even still, after having been in news industry for nearly 10 years now, and after having made at least a thousand phone interviews, I still do get nervous whenever I get on the phone asking newsy questions, and do stutter. 

Too many times I’ve said and written that I love journalism that without journalism my self identity is robbed. A field that has me do a thing that makes me sweat and oftentimes feel ashamed. Do I really love being in this field? I am asking myself, right now. 

“And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength,” Deuteronomy 6:5 reads.

I tried hard. I really tried my best to love journalism with all my heart, soul and strength. Not even a single day have I not thought about journalism in the past decade, really. But, at the same time, quite a few times last and this year  I thought I kind of wanted to leave journalism and live a sweating-free life. 

The way I treat journalism is very similar to the way I interact with Jesus. At the very least, I’ve been trying my best to love doing journalism. As far as the so-far efforts put for building a tight-knit relationship with Jesus, I haven’t done much so, very little compared to what I’ve done to journalism. 

Father, one again, I am listening to this song titled “Is It Too Late.” Father, I hope it isn’t too late for me to make an about-face and return back to You. 

Father, really, I want to love both, You and Journalism. I really do, really. Yes, I would still be stuttering a lot like a retard when interviewing people. But sincerely do I love telling stories that inspire, enlighten and help the people. Good thing is my fingers can’t stutter but can only type. 

Father, soon I will know where I would go to do what I love — journalism. Whether I would stay in Seoul or leave to Oklahoma, Father, please help me stay in a loving relationship with journalism and You — with all my heart, soul and strength. 

In Your name I dearly pray, really, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 5, 2021

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Acts 4:12 — There is no other name but His

Last night around 10ish p.m. I felt dead tired that I thought I would soon fall into sleep like a toddler. In fact, I wasn’t feeling so well the entire yesterday that after the 10 a.m. Zoom conference call I was very much inclined to just throw myself into the bed; but I consciously and arduously tried defying a lure from the sleep devil throughout yesterday morning, afternoon, and evening. 

Sore throat along with a mild headache distracted me from doing work. But I thought I had to power through for some unaccounted reasons. Maybe I was and still am worried, perplex, and ultimately hesitant to making a choice at the crossroads.

After I finished writing a devotions slightly before 10 p.m. yesterday, I went straight to bed, feeling hopeful that I would watch myself getting up the next morning feeling bright and fresh. Contrary to my desire, my brain didn’t get shut off until 2ish a.m.; in fact, I barely slept, and my iPhone’s alarm welcomed me into this calm, silent morning. 

It’s now 5:38 a.m., about time to roll. 

“And there is salvation in no one else; for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among mankind by which we must be saved,” Acts 4:12 reads. 

There’s a song to which I used to enjoying listening. The title of the song is — No Other Name, by Hillsong Worship. Later in the song, the worship band sings — “Find hope when all the world seems lost. Behold, the triumph of the cross. His power has trampled death and grave. Our life found in His name. The greatest name of all.” 

Seek hope. Earn triumph. Defeat death and grave. And be saved in His name, the most powerful above all others. 

Father,

I am hopeful that I would soon be in a place and a position that You want me to be and do. At a land into which You will soon place me, I know I will do my best journalism there to get myself deserved to earn triumph from You. Yes, there will be challenges, hardships, and agonies along the way to triumph. But I will defeat them all, with Your support; and will honor Your name through my work, every day, at a land You want me to be. 

Which land? I don’t know yet. It may be across The Atlantic Ocean; or it may be where I am right now. Plus, there also may be a situation in which both places don’t choose to use Sean’s talents for their paper. Even if that situation comes at me, I know I won’t be discouraged but remain positive and hopeful for what’d soon come according to His plan. 

Father, it’s now 6:01 a.m. As I start unfolding my only Feb. 4, 2021, please breathe with me, work with me, and consistently chat with me throughout today.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 4, 2021

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Matthew 28:18-19 — Waiting for His order

“All authority has been given to Me in Heaven and on earth,” said Jesus to His disciples moments before He ascended to Heaven in Matthew 28:18-19. “Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.”

Where do I want to do my journalism? It’s the question I’ve been asking myself countless times throughout today. While in college, I thought I would commit my entire journalistic career to the people in the United States. After college, or more specifically after a car accident in New Mexico in Aug. 2017, my thought changed to ‘wherever my feet stand will be where I will do my finest journalism.’ 

“Maybe a different place outside the U.S. needs Sean Na’s persistent reporting,” I wrote in my memoir less than 12 hours before my flight to South Korea on Sept. 25, 2017. 

Since then, I’ve claimed to be an avid pursuer of streets journalism — a never-accredited term that believes good, compelling stories often come from mere stories of ordinary people on the streets. Without a business card or a reporter’s tag, wherever my feet stood, whether in Seoul or Beijing, I tried to write stories by trying to talk to random people I came across on the streets. Doing journalism all by myself, without editors, and without a valid credential was tough. Every time I wasted hours on the streets or a story I wrote off the streets didn’t get a fair amount of attention from news publications, I wish I had belonged to a legitimate publication or at least had an editor alongside me. 

Now almost for three and a half years, I’ve been doing journalism by myself. Solo journalism may be. During this time I barely bore any success out of my solo reporting, writing, and editing; but I kept trekking through regardless, merely hoping that all of these lone endeavors would eventually be added up to bringing Sean Na a future he’s longed to grab. 

Then, this morning, a glimpse of light flashed at my lone journalist life. At 10 a.m. I spoke with an editor from Oklahoma for a reporting position whose job description really, really fascinated me. And about an hour later, I received a notice from my dream newspaper that I am still being considered for a Seoul correspondent position that I need to keep the newspaper updated of my progress. 

While both newspapers may just not hire me at all, I somehow felt first hopeful then perplex. I was perplex that I wasn’t sure where my heart lies and for which path would I want to focus on preparing.    

That was why, Your affirmative words through Matthew 28:18-19 read to me as if You were soon going to give the order I’ve long been waiting for several years now. 

Father, as I wrote several times in the previous week, once again let me reiterate, wherever You want me to go, I will go; and whatever You want me to do, I will do. That’s for sure, regardless of what’d happen to my life later this month or in March. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 3, 2021

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Galatians 2:20 — Father, where next?

Who’s in control of my life? According to the Bible, the who is He. Whom should I trust the most? According to my devout mother, the answer is also Jesus. 

A few hours ago, while I was fixing a whole wok of tteokbokki and other side dishes for family’s dinner, she told me — “Son, you can cook; you are handsome (as every mother says so); you are a family man; and you are considerate. You would really become a finest son, boyfriend, and husband only if you get to have a firm faith in Jesus, which you don’t have it yet.”

Oftentimes, she and I talk about faith. Still doubtful about His presence inside me, whenever she asked me whom I trust the most, I, with a half joke and half serious, answered her with one word — myself. 

Yes, I know I must trust Him, trust His action, and trust His plan, unconditionally. And yes, everything I’ve been through so far was done to His will, according to the Bible. Nevertheless, I haven’t been yet able to completely cast away this lingering doubt about whether He actually dwells inside me. That lingering doubt has propelled me to believe — I am responsible for every action I take; I am in control of my own life; and thus I should exercise conscious effort as much as I can, so I won’t waste any time and spend every day in a most productive fashion.

Conscious effort is what I’ve been consistently reminding of myself for years and years. Efforts driven by my will, I thought, would help me prosper, both professionally and spiritually. But in reality, those efforts rather have trapped Sean Na with discouragement, anxiety, fear, and worry. When things didn’t pan out as I hoped, I almost immediately blamed myself, blamed my failed time management, and blamed my laziness. When things did pan out OK, I didn’t pat on my own shoulders but told myself — Sean, you could’ve done better. 

Yes, I know. I am darn hard on myself. But that’s what I thought has driven me to be where I am now. 

No, it’s not, Galatians 2:20 says to Sean Na at 9:36 p.m. in his Ilsan home, on Feb. 2, 2021. 

“I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me,” Galatians 2:20 reads. 

Father, what Galatians 2:20 reiterates I already know. I’ve been preached numerous times at church about a similar message like this. But, even in recent days, I’ve been still watching myself trying to take a hard line, instead of asking You to help me. 

Father, it’s been tough, I confess. It’s been freaking rough, yes, really rough; so rough that I too oftentimes felt lost while in a middle of doing something professional for hours and hours. 

I do fear about what’s coming in March. I am worried about where I would be in next few months. Tomorrow I am having a job interview with an editor in Oklahoma. My mom doesn’t want me to leave South Korea. Yes, I am still doing journalism in my beloved motherland, doing what I love in a country I feel most comfortable and safe. But, at the same time, I also like to bring a stable stream of monthly income into my bank account. 

As I’ve been told, once again, by Galatians 2:20, You are in control of my life. My personal greed shouldn’t take any space in this pressing decision making process; but Your will should take every space in it. So, please, tell me, Father.

Where next? 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Feb. 2, 2021

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1 Peter 4:16 — Ready to embrace sufferings as Christian

Several times already this year I was told that as Christians, we ought to be willing to not succumb but embrace persecutions targeted at us. It’s almost inevitable for Christians to receive lots of grimaces from the world, pastors say. However, those grimaces we receive on a daily basis is nothing compared to what Jesus has done for us, pastors reiterate. 

When listening to sermons similar to the above message, while I did understand them in a literal sense, I couldn’t really absorb them into my own — because I’ve never been treated badly by anyone because of my Christian identity. 

From the Bible app today I read 1 Peter 4:16. It reads: “But if anyone suffers as a Christian, he is not to be ashamed, but is to glorify God in this name.” 

‘Am I living a too comfortable life?’ I just thought to myself. ‘Have I been evasive about my must-do responsibilities as Christian?’ I thought to myself, again. 

About a week ago, I posted an excerpt from a devotions I wrote on Instagram. A part of the post I wrote: “It’s seemingly become a disservice to the public welfare if one says he or she attended a church service yesterday on a Monday morning at work.” This sentence wasn’t from my own experience or thought; rather, I basically paraphrased what my church’s pastor said during a Sunday sermon. Not sure why I wanted to write that, even if I never experienced such scenario in life, yet. Maybe, I just wanted to be viewed philosophical by those who saw the Instagram post. 

Christians are destined to live an uncomfortable life, and our sufferings will be added to glorifying Him in the end, churches preach all the time — and Sean Na has yet understood how this popular message implies to his life, as Christian.

I am having a hard time reflecting myself on 1 Peter 4:16. Maybe I am too young to have suffered any degree of persecutions targeted at Christians; or maybe I’ve been too coward that I purposefully escaped such situations well in advance.

Father, I can never know where You would want me to place me in near future and what type of work You would have me do there. Yesterday, I told You that I would do whatever You order me to do and go wherever You order me to be. I have yet confronted any level of persecution due to my Christian identity; thus I may not be fully geared up to face sufferings as Christian. Nonetheless, when the time of sufferings comes at me, however daunting they are, Father, I hope and pray I would not escape but embrace them. 

Through 1 Peter 4:2 You’ve told me to “live the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for the lusts of men, but for the will of God.” I hope this message could represent my daily life, soon. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Feb. 1, 2021

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Matthew 11:1-11 — I, the least in the kingdom of Heaven

rubbing off the iPhone’s screen, believe or not, accidentally clicked on the Bible app icon. The app welcomed me with a provocative (in a good way) question: 

“If you could do anything next month, what would you do?”

After the question followed a determinative message from Proverbs 16:3: it reads: “Commit your works to the Lord, And your plans will be established.” 

How confidently can I say I’ve for most times committed my work only to Him? I thought to myself a few minutes before the service began. Do I even know how to commit my work to Him? I thought, second time. What’d my life be like if I sure know how to commit my every work to Him? I thought, third and last time.

And the long-waited, in-person worship unfolded before my eyes. 

The last time I attended an in-person service dates back to early December. For nearly two months, I did pretend to attending a Sunday service through an online virtual meeting platform, Zoom; but honestly speaking, I lollygagged nearly 50 percent of the whole span of each online service, playing with a phone, eying at news alerts, and other misbehaviors that must’ve not been done during a time supposedly devoted to worshiping Him. 

At church today, I was compelled to not lollygag but fix my eyes and ears on the paster delivering the sermon, primarily because of unintended peer pressures I (graciously) felt from devout worshippers around me. 

The sermon was based on Matthew 11:1-11. From the passage, John the Baptist, who was imprisoned and about to be executed, sent his twelve disciples to Jesus to see whether Jesus would come and save John, or leave him die. When the disciples came to Jesus, to their eyes, Jesus was just lollygagging and didn’t seem to be concerned about what John would face in prison. What the disciples hoped He would do wasn’t a part of His plan. John the Baptist, whom God’s bluntly praised in the Bible, was in the end executed. 

During the sermon, the pastor said — “Our wants and needs may not be a part of His plan; and oftentimes His work may not meet our expectations; or He may not just give you any sign and leave us astray in a middle of wilderness. But please know, us thrown into a wilderness may be a starting line for us to serve Him.”

Next Wednesday, I am scheduled to have an online job interview with a newsroom in the United States. It’s a job opportunity that I was referred to by a real good friend of mine, who works as an editor there. Until last week, I never thought of myself going back to the U.S. In fact, when I left the states in September, I was determined to get myself permanently settled in Seoul. 

I don’t know, Father. I really don’t know what’s Your plan for Sean. My hopes and wants were and maybe still are to get a correspondent job in Seoul, regularly dispatching helpful news from Seoul to the world. There’s still a chance that I may get hired in Seoul. But whether that would happen or not is up to You, not me. 

Toward the end of the sermon, the pastor said — “Whatever He does is always right.” Yes, I willingly second that statement. Whatever You want me to do, I will do; and wherever You want me to go, I will go. If You want to send me to Oklahoma in March, I will go, Sir, and commit my reporting work to  readers in Oklahoma, and You. 

It’s 11:41 p.m. now. And I still am very much perplex from the provocative question the Bible app asked me today. 

Father, where do You want me to go, and what would You want me to do there? I am anxiously waiting for Your order. Timely order preferred, Sir, if You will. If You want to take more times, that’s also OK, because You’ve told me through Matthew 11:11 that: 

“…… Yet the one who is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he (John the Baptist).” 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 31, 2021

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Isaiah 55:1-2 — Listen carefully to Him

Father, it’s indeed been a while since I ever wrote to You in early morning. 

A total serenity in this room has created a perfect condition that makes it easier for me to devote myself to You. A humming sound from an air refresher awakes my once sleepy neurons, and get every single of them fully geared up to generate words devoted to You only. 

It’s now 6:18 a.m. And I am just excited that I am starting this good Saturday by opening up a heartfelt communication with You. Plus, the words You’ve given to me this morning are just wow. 

Father, frankly speaking, I have a wish in mind that I really hope You would let it happen to my life, relatively soon. But, that wish may not be what You want me to do; and rather, You may want to place me into somewhere else and let me do Your work there. 

My wish against Your wish. Your wish always wins, and I will faithfully pursue Your will, Father. Up until 2:30ish a.m. I was exchanging emails with several people in the United States. As I was writing back and forth, I consistently asked myself — is this what I really want to do? Is this where He wants me to be this year? 

Father, You know what I need to search for. You know what I need to pursue. And You know where I need to be. 

“You there! Everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; And you who have no money come, buy and eat. Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy? Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good, and delight yourself in abundance,” Isaiah 55:1-2 reads.

Let me adapt an ability to listen to You carefully; let me always stay subservient and humble before You; and let me be ready to take Your order and execute. 

Through Isaiah 55:1-2, I like to believe that You are telling me to focus putting most efforts into an area which will lubricate a pathway en route to You. Father, again, I do have a personal wish I do hope You would let it occur in my life, really soon. But if You are thinking about another way around, and if You want me to follow Your thought, I shall do so, without a complaint. 

Really, I will. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 30, 2021

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Psalms 139:13-14 — Sent for a specific reason

The Book of Genesis says God created a man out of a mere lump of clay. As a person who once tried hand-crafting a small bowl out of clay on a revolving plate in middle school and graciously failed, I can’t even imagine how hard it’d be to hand-create a human figure, from head to toes, with a sticky, malleable clay alone. But He did so with an immeasurable level of craftsmanship because of the following reason well told from David to Him via Psalms 139:13-14. 

“For You created my innermost parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, because I am awesomely and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well,” Psalms 139:13-14 reads. 

“Why do we live?” It’s one of most common and casual questions I ask and get asked back whenever I hang out with friends, mostly at a quiet bar. The most popular answer I’ve heard from friends is — “because we were born.” An obvious but also soulless answer. 

I’ve been told so many times during church services that God’s sent each of us for a specific reason, that each of us is given a specific task. What’s the specific task He’s given to me I don’t know. What’s the specific task I think He’s given to me I have an idea, and I hope the idea I am thinking of right now corresponds to His. 

He’s said I am wonderfully made; and thus expects me to do wonderful work here on earth. 

About six years ago, when I was writing my first cover letter to apply for a journalism internship, I wrote — “wherever my sweaty feet stand will be where I will do my best to serve the people through better stories.” 

Father, two days ago I received a message from a close friend of mine in Oklahoma. That message could open up a new path I haven’t thought of. As I wrote six years ago, Father, wherever You want to place me into, that place will be where I will do my best to serve You and do Your work. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Jan. 29, 2021

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Psalms 24:10 — Inner space for His light to burn bright

The Bible app this evening introduced me a song titled — Let the Light in. The song calls for a need for us to spare enough inner space for His light to get in, burn bright, and shine inside us. 

“It’s time for the sleeper to wake; for the old winds to change; for the dead man to rise; and for the Great Light to shine. I hear the Spirit say it’s time…… Let the King of Glory in,” the song chants. 

From 9ish a.m. up until 8ish p.m., for nearly 11 hours, I didn’t even think once about Him; instead, I was so absorbed into a lone work done in a secluded room —adding more nuts and bolts to tentative story outlines, making several calls to government officials to get an update of a public program I wrote about before, scouting for right research data for stories, and glimpsing at an hourly news alert popping up on my iPhone’s screen. Even when I was eating a ramen noodle an hour ago for dinner, my ears were listening to Korea 24 podcast by KBS World Radio; and eyes were scrolling down news highlights on Apple News+. 

I could’ve used this morning to devote myself to Him. But, oh well, I chose to sleep through mid morning instead. In recent days, I am getting more used to not feeling guilty at violating my 2021 weekly schedule. This isn’t good. What’s worse is that I am starting to feel more OK at not giving even a small inner space for Him to step in — a total treachery against Him.

“Who is this King of glory? The Lord of armies, He is the King of glory. Selah,” Psalms 24:10 reads. 

He’s the King, the best of all, and the one to whom I must be subservient. But, in recent days and weeks, I’ve taken His help for granted, and thus haven’t bothered even thanking Him — (although one of my goals for 2021 is to thank Him more than I did in 2020).

I hope and pray my Jan. 28, 2021, devotions will be an alarming call and propel me to try revamping my attitude toward Him, not abruptly but thimble by thimble. 

Thanks for reading my another scribble, Sire. And, I hope and pray I was and am writing this in a heartfelt manner. I really do. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 28, 2021

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Ecclesiastes 5:3 — The word, Dream

“For the dream comes through much effort and the voice of a fool through many words,” Ecclesiastes 5:3 reads. 

I spotted the above verse about two hours ago, when I split my old Bible in half to a random page. 

Dream. I’ve never spotted this word (for as far as I remember) once in the Bible. And here it is, the word dream appears on a book that I call the most reliable blueprint for my life. 

I wanted to write something fancy about this verse. Fanciness isn’t supposed to occupy any space in this devotions series. From 9:30ish up until 11 p.m., I tried to come up with some fancy ideas to fill this what-is-supposed-to-be honest and humble space for heartfelt communication with Him. 

I deleted all five paragraphs I wrote an hour ago, and I am just writing as I breathe, calmly, to You. 

The title for Ecclesiastes 5, my old Bible says, is Your Attitude Toward God. 

What’s been my attitude toward Him ever since I’ve started writing this devotions? At 11:35 p.m., my answer is — I may have been trying to prove myself how serious I am with this devotions by trying to add as much fluffiness to my everyday note to Him. Once I get done writing each devotions close to midnight, in recent days, I just shut off my computer and went straight to bed. Prayer? I didn’t even bother thinking about doing it. 

Ecclesiastes 5:3 says “much effort” is required if I want my dream come true. What effort do I need to put in to make my dream come true is well detailed in the adjacent verse. 

“When you make a vow to God, do not be late in paying it; for He takes no delight in fools. Pay what you vow,” verse 4 says, telling me I ought not to procrastinate in praying to Him. 

“For in many dreams and in many words there is emptiness. Rather, fear God,” verse 7 says, telling me that however grandiose my earthly dream is, Its value can never surpass that of His. 

I’ve been a fool, a real bad fool, that I haven’t even felt a need of praying to Him in recent days, maybe even weeks.

The Bible app today provided words from Matthew 5:7. It reads: “Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy.” It underscores a big reward He will give to those who don’t putting off serving others in need. Before I even can be in a ready form to serve others, I need to be in a ready form to myself, spiritually. 

Father, who is in Heaven, and who’s always been watching over my every behavior and speech, tonight, at 11:55 p.m., I am sincerely asking You to first reprimand me, and then propel me to put as much efforts into building up my own castle of prayers devoted to You. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 27, 2021

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2 Corinthians 4:18 — Setting goals in life

At 11, my childhood wish was to play baseball at a legitimate ballpark. Six years later, at 17, it was realized when I joined a junior varsity baseball team at Rossville Consolidated High School in Indiana. I wasn’t a regular player at the team, and only batted three times during the entire season. Of the three batting opportunities, I never made a hit but was struck out, three times.  

After the first baseball season, I wished I could become a regular player and make at least a couple of hits in the next season. During the second season, I did play regular and made (really, out of 17 plus games) a couple of hits, batting below 0.15. Wish fulfilled.

Facing the third and likely the last baseball season of my lifetime in spring 2011, I wished I could bat at least .3, hit a double, and help my team advance to a playoff tournament. In my senior year baseball season, I batted above .6, did make one (and the only in my three-year baseball career) double — and my team did advance to the tournament. Once again, wish fulfilled. 

It’s indeed a good feel when a wish comes true in life. All three baseball wishes I’ve made come true were picture-able; they were something I could picture in my imaginable world. 

“While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal,” 2 Corinthians 4:18 reads. 

I read the above verse at 9:30 p.m. and intended to finish writing my Jan. 26, 2021, devotions before 10. But I certainly needed more than an hour to think about what to communicate with Him. 

Honestly speaking, I’ve been feeling aimless in recent days. I know what I need to do in each every day. But without being able to picture what my work today would bring in near future, it’s been pretty darn hard to motivate Sean Na. 

Pastors say we all should pursue God’s work, that we all should anchor ourselves on Him, and that we all shouldn’t be discouraged by a temporary failure we face in life — because in the end we will all be enjoying an eternal success when we ascend to Heaven, for as long as we continues to stick with Him on earth. 

But, unfortunately, I am a man of greed, ambition, and impatience. I am really, and thus do feel agitated when I am not able to picture a list of goals I ought to attain in near future. As wicked as I am, I am also very un-talented at motivating myself to do things visible to Him, but invisible to poor Sean Na. 

Every morning, I like to set a daily goal, hoping by setting it would help me live each day more productively. I haven’t set any daily goal this week, as I’ve lived aimless up until Tuesday night at 11:25 p.m. 

If I were to set a daily goal first time this week, what must it be, Father? I can’t think of any right now. When I wake up in about five to six hours, I hope and pray You would lend Your wisdom to this poor man and help Sean set a Wednesday the 27th goal — as You wish. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 26, 2021

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Romans 7:14-25 — To resume motivational streak of writing devoted words to You

Having attended countless church services, Sunday schools, and weekly Bible studies for nearly 27 years, I have probably been introduced to at least three fifth of the contents in the Bible. The sad part is — I barely remember any of them. When someone asks me what I’ve learned from a Sunday sermon several hours after the sermon, for nine out of ten times I say — I don’t remember.

But there’s a chunk of verses in the Bible that I can never forget. For nearly seven years since 2014, this Biblical chunk has reprimanded me when I get lazy; motivated me when I feel weary; and reinvigorated me when my inner fuel tank gets nearly depleted. 

It’s the Book of Romans, chapter 7, verse 14 through 25. 

Several days ago, I confessed to my Father that in recent days, I haven’t felt as motivated and excited when writing this devoted note to Him as I did before. 

It’s now 10:54 p.m. Just moments ago, I felt so tempted to skip writing devotions just for this day. Frankly speaking, Sir, I so wanted to take a break from writing to You. This isn’t good, I know. 

To reprimand, motivate, and reinvigorate myself, Father, I am going to re-write Romans 7:14-25 by replacing the subject “I” with “Sean.”

Father, 

“For every person knows that Your Law is spiritual, but Sean is of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. For what Sean is doing, he does not understand; for Sean is not practicing what he would like to do, but he is in fact doing the very thing he hates. But if Sean does the very thing he doesn’t want to do, he agrees with Your Law, confessing that Your Law is good. So now, no longer is Sean the one doing it, but sin living inside him. For Sean knows that nothing good lives inside him, that is, inside his spirit; for the willing is present in him, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that he wants, he doesn’t do, but he practices the very evil that he does not want. But if he’s doing the very thing he doesn’t want to, he is no longer the one doing it, but sin breathing inside him. Sean finds then the principle that evil breathes inside him, the one who wants to do good. For he joyfully concurs with the law of God; but he sees a different law in the members of his body, waging war against the law of his mind and making him a prisoner of the law of sin. Wretched man that Sean is! Who will set this poor Sean Na free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our lord! So then, on the one hand he himself with his mind is serving the law of God, but on the other, with his flesh the law of sin.”

Father, I hate to be a person who doesn’t do things that You want, but instead does things that You hate. Father, had there been any evil breathing inside my body, please expel him, and let me resume a motivational streak of writing devoted words to You, indeed anew. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Jan. 25, 2021

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Matthew 10:34-42 — Alarming refreshment

‘Love like a pigeon; as His exclusive love has always been,’ I jotted down on a Reporter’s Notebook as I was listening to a Sunday’s sermon, while ambling in a nice, breezy weather this afternoon.  

A pigeon only loves its partner, and doesn’t bother giving even a glimpse at others. My good Father’s the same way. He exclusively loves Sean Na that He’s willingly put His only Son to death, only to love Sean Na.

As per a small, hardly comparable return for His exclusive love, He wants me to cling my everything on Him, and be willing to give my wholehearted services to others in need — just like He’s done for me. 

“And whoever in the name of a disciple gives to one of these little ones even a cup of cold water to drink, truly I say to you, he shall not lose his reward,” Matthew 10:42 reads. 

Today’s sermon was based on Matthew 10:34-42. The three main takeaways were — don’t be afraid to be treated badly while spreading His words to others; always prioritize on doing His work wherever you are and whatever you do; and be always in service for others in need. 

Churches have almost become a common foe since the pandemic’s landed in South Korea. News media almost every day report news about churches violating a social distancing order, spreading viruses to those innocents. It’s seemingly become a disservice to the public welfare if one says he or she attended a church service yesterday on a Monday morning at work. In this time of growing public outrage toward Christians, actively trying to spread His words and love to others seems to be against a new, emerging social norm. 

A few times in the past months, I’ve posted an excerpt from my daily devotions on Instagram and Facebook. Before posting it, I intentionally took out a part that discussed anything related to Christianity, faith and the Bible, as I didn’t want my online friends to feel uncomfortable and even angry while reading how much I am fond of Him, and the Bible.

Yes, I was afraid to be treated badly due to my attempt to spreading His words to others. Yes, I didn’t prioritize on doing work on His behalf, but instead prioritized on advertising how much I’ve been working hard on doing journalism. And yes, I certainly wasn’t in a ready form to step outside and use my talents for those in need. 

It was indeed an alarming refreshment He’s given to me this afternoon. Thank You, Sire, for Your message today.

Father, as I continue to prepare for a list of story pitches to be sent to news publications tomorrow, whether these pitches get accepted or not, I hope and pray You will continue to fill me up with a sense of determination that every work I do is to be geared toward providing heartfelt services to those in need, and Him.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Jan. 24, 2021

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Jeremiah 29:11 — His plan intended to give me a future and a hope

“For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for prosperity and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope,”Jeremiah 29:11 reads. 

It was 7:20ish a.m. when I came across with this another promising message. After having read the verse, I was first delighted, then abuzz, and confused. His assurance that I will be prosperous once I start executing plans He’s prepared for me first made me feel delighted. But shortly after, I became unsure how I was supposed to accept and understand His message from Jeremiah 29:11. 

Almost 15 hours later, I am still unsure what He meant by a future and a hope. Through the books of Philippians and Corinthians, You’ve told me that I should thank for having been undergoing or anticipating a future of sufferings, as by suffering come along His graces to my life. 

His plans for prosperity intended to bring me a future and a hope. Do You mean by powering through a certain period of sufferings would in the end bring me prosperity? Or do You straightforwardly mean Your plans prepared for Sean Na won’t let me suffer but fill me with hopes and promise bright future? 

Sometimes, very sometimes, I thought to myself — what would I be doing had I not been introduced to journalism? 

Two days ago, I spoke with two of my close friends from the military. Both are well educated and work in a high-end job industry that many Korean young adults look up to. But what they do every day at work isn’t what they were dreaming of in college. They told me they are doing it because that’s the reality, and a way of life by which most Koreans live.

One of them also studied journalism in college, graduated from the best journalism school in South Korea, and once dreamed of becoming a documentary producer. 

“Sean, I am jealous that you are doing what you love doing,” he told me during our phone conversation. 

I wasn’t sure how to react to his comment. Why would he be jealous of me when he works in a high-class job industry while I am a mere journalistic nomad wandering off in a seemingly directionless land? 

Yes, it is true that I am nonetheless pursuing my ideal, still. But by continuing pursuing it has worried me a ton at the same time. What my future holds of me, I don’t know. Where He will place me in several months, I don’t know. I spend on average 10 to 11 hours a day on doing various types of journalism. While doing it, I consistently ask myself whether I am doing “a” right thing or am I wasting my precious time. 

Father. My good, good Father. Hah… What do You like me to pray tonight? If it’s ever allowed, let me ask You back — what do You like me to do tomorrow, next week, next month, and beyond? What are Your words of wisdom that I need to quickly grasp and make them into my own? 

For having practiced journalism for nearly a decade now, I am so used to asking questions that I am bad at being asked for questions. It’d be really appreciated if You would stop playing this waiting game, and instead be straightforward with Your want over my life. 

I haven’t lost my patience yet; I can wait more, if You want me to; but Your quick answer is preferred.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Jan. 23, 2021

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Matthew 5:14 — Be the light of the world

“(Sean), You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden,” Matthew 5:14 read to Sean Na when he needed a sound reason to fight off his sleepy soul, kick off the comfy blanket, and start the one the only Jan. 22, 2021, at 5:41 a.m.   

This phrase — trekking through a seemingly dark tunnel of my life — is what I’ve used multiple times in this devotions series whenever I wanted to (pompously) express how (seemingly) challenging and daunting period of time I was powering through. Yes, I admit I was overreacting every time I used the phrase; and yes I also admit I wanted to be viewed as tough guy to You, Father, by showing You how rough my life was at the time.

I read Matthew 5:14 multiple times this morning. On the fifth read I asked myself — Sean, how can you bring a light into a dim tunnel of your own; and how would you try bringing light into others’ lives? 

About a month ago, I was told during a church sermon that I don’t need to feel fully prepared to give services to others in need. Putting off serving others simply because I don’t feel ready is just a sheer excuse.

More than four months have passed since my arrival to Seoul. Since then, at least 90 percent of my work was done in my Ilsan home, secluding myself from the people who may have been waiting for someone to hear their stories. Journalist is a three-dimensional profession under my definition. It isn’t an office job; its main responsibility is go outside and hunt for uncovering those long-submerged but must-be-told stories; and thus its role cannot be 100 percent fulfilled if most of work gets done at a desk. 

And I’ve been doing the complete odd to my definition of how journalists should do their work. Shame on me, really. 

Right now I am left without a concrete idea for story. I am unsure what I could do as freelance journalist to contribute to lightening up my community, country, and beyond. 

I’ve been restless in the past few weeks, I admit. I’ve lacked in motivation in recent days, I admit. One “seemingly” valid excuse was the stupid thought that people wouldn’t read my story anyway, however hard I work on a story, 

I need to get back in this three-dimensional business. It’s OK if no one would read my story. It’s OK as long as each every story I write helps me get better at writing helpful stories for future. 

Be the light of the world sounds really good. Yes, Father. I like to be one of numerous lights brightening up Your world. While I am yet settled with anything, please fuel me up with Your inspiration and help me get rolling hard and tough as I used to before. 

Really, thanks for your powerful message this morning and right now. Really. Thank You.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 22, 2021

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1 John 3:18 — Love in deed and truth

I would usually write this after spending at least few minutes on reading and reflecting on a Bible verse given to me from Him each day. 

I haven’t read the verse yet. Chances are the verse I will read would probably be another encouraging and much electrifying gang of words. Compared to the first few weeks of my writing devotions, I’ve sensed a subtle change in motivation and overall attitude of me writing this everyday scribble to Him.

In July up until late August, writing a devoted note to Him was to me like a time dedicated to sheltering myself from being overheated. But now. Writing this has felt like an extra stress added onto my already heavy-weighted shoulders — a must-do thing before every digit on the electronic clock turns zero.  

Frankly speaking, I haven’t been getting inspired or enlighten as much as I used to be after reading a really feel-good verse on the Bible.  Feel good may be the most appropriate delineation of my spontaneous reaction after reading a Bible verse each day. I am sorry Father. But I am not as excited to open up the Bible app and read the words You expect me to consume and adapt into my own. 

I am so sorry, Father. But, though found in different books in the Bible, verses I have read and written about read to me like a same-old cliche. There seems to be a recurring pattern in almost every verse I’ve read so far, a pattern of providing a temporary relief from a daily stress, with no more to offer beyond the relief. 

I admit this isn’t a right inner posture to present before You. But, I like to be honest before You, Father. And if You will, I hope You would place Your healing hands  on my crooked spirit. 

“Little children, let’s not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth,” 1 John 3:18 reads.

Not sure whether I’ve read it right, but it seems as if You were telling me — get into action; if have something in mind, bring it on, get on it, and start building it up — as I was reading 1 John 3:18. 

I’ve written many times about love as You define. Thinking back, not sure whether I have ever practiced “the” love for others ever since I learned a concrete definition of Your love, thanks to the Bible app. 

Father, I am listening to a song named, “Father, My Father,” as I am writing this to You. 

It’s a song for a person like me, who has willingly put off serving Him and thus long forgotten about almost every work He’s done for my life. 

“I’ve forgotten You because I like men more; I didn’t trust You though said I would; I didn’t love You though said I would die for You; I was rather arrogant than being obedient to You,” a part of the song’s lyrics reads. 

Father, tonight, at 9:09 p.m., if You’d let me, I want to repent for what I’ve done wrong to You. Please receive my repentance, renew my everyday motivation, and reorient the way I spend each day toward Your purposes. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 21, 2021

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Ephesians 6:18 —Let my requests be known through prayer

“With every prayer and request, pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be alert with all perseverance and every request for all the saints,” Ephesians 6:18 reads. 

There’s no right way of praying. Whether short or long doesn’t matter. Making numerous complaints is also OK if made through prayer. Churches teach ways of praying in a right way, like How-To-Pray-Right 101 class. Instead of worrying about whether I am praying in a right way or not, first worry about the frequency. How often do I think of the need to pray; and how often do I actually pray before God per day. 

You’ve just told me through Ephesians that I need to pray to You anytime, anywhere. You’ve told me there aren’t a set number of times I ought to pray per day. You’ve told me to pray on all occasions, like Jesus did. Make every request be bright-clearly made through prayer, You’ve told me. And just don’t pray for yourself, but pray for others as well, You’ve told me. 

Father, 

First, let me start by thanking You for helping me be up on time today. Yesterday my lazy soul ran over me and thus I ended up getting up past 7 a.m. But today I am glad I am up on time, and being able to write to You while everything’s still dark and silent. 

Yesterday I asked You to help me get a fresh start. I reckon You’ve at least helped me get a fresh start for today. If You will, Sire, I want to politely ask You to help me get another fresh start tomorrow morning, just like You’ve done this morning for me. 

Yesterday was also my beloved mom’s 52nd birthday. I hadn’t fixed her a birthday meal even once in my life; and last night was the first time I ever did. It was just a plain seaweed soup, along with a plate of grilled chicken breast. But, really, it was indeed good to watch her emptying her bowl and plate; and it was even more good to watch her throwing lots of happy smiles during our dinner. Thank You Lord for having helped me prepare an acceptable birthday dinner for my mom last night. 

As I start this January 20th, I have several favors I want to ask You, Sire. 

First — Please be with my dad and sister as they will soon hit the road to their workplace. It’s going to be another cold day, Sire. Please ensure their safety and health; and also please look after their business, as well. 

Second — My mom is in the middle of making a notable change in her career. Father, please be with her as she continues to work on the change.

Third — My beloved editor and friend, Scott Swafford is still recovering from the passing of his wife in December. He soon has to get back to the newsroom and start training future journalists. Father, please be with Scott, comfort his soul, nurture his body, and work with him. 

Fourth — A friend of mine has been battling flu in recent days. She has work to do; and lots of people await to receive her professional service. Please cure her completely from the flu, nurture her body, and be with her as she continues to do heartfelt work on Your behalf. 

Fifth — Lastly, Father. I just want to simply ask You to be with me throughout today. That’’s all. Really. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 20, 2021

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Galatians 6:9 — Fresh start

About two weeks ago I downloaded an app called “Challengers,” which’s designed to motivate people to attain their short- or longterm goal — like reading a book every day or getting up every morning before 6 a.m. — by having them bet a certain amount of money on their goal achievement. If achieved, they get their money back along with some extra cash prize; if failed, they lose their money.

Since Jan. 11, I’ve signed up for a miracle morning challenge, which for two weeks I need to be up before 6 a.m. to spend each morning more fruitfully. It’s been one week and a half since the challenge’s begun; and I have already failed to be up before 6 a.m. three times. I will lose $10 I bet on this challenge. Losing money doesn’t bother me; however, witnessing how lazy and ill determined I’ve been last and this week really does bother me.

“Let’s not become discouraged in doing good, for in due time we will reap, if we do not become weary,” Galatians 6:9 reads. 

Through Galatians 6:9 He’s told me that in due time I will reap the outcome that I want. Another words of His that make me feel good, but at the same time make me question to myself — ‘Do I deserve to have Him help me reap the outcome?’ 

For the past four weeks I’ve studied a strenuous but rewarding life of Apostle Paul. Paul had a goal he badly wanted to achieve, with the help of Him. He, unlike myself, didn’t want to be a free rider. He forfeited his already affluent life to get on a quest to do His work, which was also Paul’s goal. During the quest he was beaten, stoned, slurred, robbed and jailed countless times. But he powered through those difficult years, and eventually brought the outcome he wanted home. 

Father, I don’t think I am as determined as Paul was. But, Sire. Like Paul did, I also do have a goal that I’ve been longing to achieve. And I know to achieve the goal will require a vast amount of efforts and times, which I’ve not been putting & clocking in.

A part of lyrics of a Christian song to which I’ve been attached recently goes — “Have I come too far to go back to the Lord……Is it too late to recover my soul?” 

Father, is it too late to try recovering my soul, reorient my goal to You, and get a fresh start? 

Let me know if You’d allow me to get a fresh start and try passing the finish line. I hope You do. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 19, 2021

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Matthew 5:9 — Be peacemaker

My mother told one day that I indeed have a bad temperament, so bad that it’d be tough for me to find a wife who could deal with it. 

When I get in the middle of something, mostly writing-related, I tend to get really absorbed in it that I get oblivious of the surroundings. And when someone tries breaking the silence in my work zone, yes, I have to admit that my temperament does get somewhat aggressive. 

Nowadays, chiefly because of a stringent restrictive order from the government to contain the corona virus, I do most of my work at home, including weekends.

As mother, of course, she wants to know how her baby son is doing; whether he has had lunch; whether he feels OK; and many others maternal questions over son.

I should have felt blessed, cared for and thankful that I do have a healthy mother always trying to take care of her sensitive son.  

But, instead, just a few days ago, I remember of me lobbing verbal shells at her, who did knock on door several times before stepping in to check whether he’d had breakfast or not. 

Yes, I was in the middle of writing several work-related emails at the time; but I really should’ve not treated her that disrespectfully. But I did. And there’ve probably been so many occasions like this in the past that my mother’ve put up with. 

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God,” Matthew 5:9 reads. 

Yes, I do get stressed in the middle of doing work; and yes, my brain tends to fume clouds of invisible smokes when it gets busy at processing words, sentences then paragraphs. But that doesn’t excuse me for having poorly treated one of closest persons to my life, the one whom I owe debts for life. 

Through Matthew 5:9, He’s told me that my being burned out shouldn’t be an excuse for me to lash out in anger to others; that I should learn to put aside my inner stress when conversing with others; and that I should consistently ask myself how others would feel if I bluntly fume off my emotions — if I want to be a peace-, not trouble, maker and thus do what He wants me to do through Matthew 5:9. 

Several hours ago, I did apologize for all of my past disrespectful behaviors to my mother. Had I not read Matthew 5:9 today, I would have not had a chance to reflect on my past ill behaviors to self-correct myself.

Father, frankly speaking, I can’t promise You that I would never ever lash out in anger when someone trying to meddle into my work zone again. But if You will, please help me to slowly but steadily develop a respectful and calm disposition to be used for a time bombarded with work-related stresses. That’s all, Father. Thanks again for reading another scribble to You. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Jan. 18, 2021

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Matthew 10:24-33 ; 2 Corinthians 11:16-33 — Having a gut to boast weaknesses

What can I boast of myself to the people who at least have a glimpse understanding of who Sean is; and what sort of ups and downs he’s been through in life; and how fancy his life’s been decorated, materialistically and professionally speaking? 

1. Sean was given an opportunity to study overseas, which not so many get to seize.
2. Sean was among the top three who delivered a high school graduation speech. 
3. Sean was among the top incoming freshmen group at the world’s first journalism institute. 
4. Sean was a recipient of a first-place reporting award in midwest region. And,
5. Sean has steadily held passion in journalism and never let it go for nearly two decades.

I feel good when I get to boast my professional achievements to the people whom I expect to know how fancy my life’s been. I get so eloquent when asked to share my success stories. 

On a flip side, then, how would I feel when asked to “boast” my weaknesses and sufferings? Would I still be eloquent of boasting such things? Would I even have a gut to be proud of sharing my grey areas with others? 

Not at all. 

Just two hours ago I received a sermon based on Matthew 10:24-33 and 2 Corinthians 11:16-33, both of which underscore why’s vital to be able to boast one’s weaknesses to the people with whom he or she closely interacts, and more importantly, God. 

“To my shame I must say that we have been weak by comparison,” 2 Corinthians 11:21 reads. 

I’ve long been a person who wants to be viewed fancy to others’ eyes. I’ve liked listening to someone drawing comparison between successful and intelligent Sean Na and those who seek lessons from Sean. 

All those compliments and envious eyes gazed at me have gotten myself forgetful about my real weakness, that I’ve been so reluctant to exposing to all the people who’ve had a very limited and partial view about Sean. 

But Apostle Paul, instead of being shy at exposing his weaknesses and sufferings, proudly boasted them off to those who thought of Paul as one of most affluent men.  

“If I have to boast, I will boast of what pertains to my weakness. The God and Father of the Lord Jesus, He who is blessed forever, knows that I am not lying,” Paul says through 2 Corinthians 11:30-31. 

Proud confession to Him through heartfelt prayer; a prayer without disguise; and outspoken words that pose no lies or deceits are what He has long wanted to hear from me; but has rarely heard due to my conscious circumvention. 

“Therefore everyone who confesses Me before men, I will also confess him before My Father who is in Heaven,” Matthew 10:32 reads.

Father, 

Please help me not redo the faults of my past. If possible, I would love to duplicate Paul’s characteristics and embed them onto my own. If I ever have to boast, I hope and pray items that I’d boast will all pertain to testimonies of Sean Na living a life in the Lord.

In Your name I dearly pray,

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Jan. 17, 2021

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Jeremiah 29:13-14 — Showing sincerity before Him

“You will seek Me and find me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord,” Jeremiah 29:13-14 read to Sean Na at 9:31 p.m. 

Sixteen minutes later, now at 9::47 p.m., I have written none. Same as yesterday that for 16 minutes, I was trying to squeeze out some forms of words to be laid before Him. I couldn’t have come up with any. 

Father, this is odd. It’s been odd. I’ve had writer’s block numerous times when I was facing a pressing deadline or working on an in-depth story. But this one. This supposed-to-be super light weighted act of writing shouldn’t have me suffer writer’s block. 

This, I meant it to be a stress free writing; a plain but sincere scribble devoted to You, the most intelligent reader who bears absolutely no issue at understanding a terribly written sentence. 

Then why, why have I been being so hesitant at writing this recently? It’s been a few days now. Sire, this is odd, and I am not used to this. 

The words You’ve had me read today were just inspiring and enlightening as they’ve always been. It is indeed good to learn of Your promise that as long as I seek You, You will be found inside me. But why can’t I expand this simple reflection into something more thoughtful, as I used to? 

During the sixteen minutes of spiritual idleness, I did close my eyes and pray, silently, to You, asking You to help me stop this lingering writer’s block from further emerging. 

What else should I write to You Lord tonight? What would You like me to write here? 

On Jan. 1, 2021, I made a goal for myself that devotions I would write in 2021 are to be filled with me thanking Him. 

I haven’t even thanked You, yet. 

Father, 

It’s very awkward to see myself having much troubles at writing to You. Maybe my spiritual fuel tank has been depleted that I need to go to a Heavenly gas station and refill the tank. Or have You been too fed up with reading my written prayers that You now want me to bring You a verbal prayer? 

Through Jeremiah 29, You’ve promised me that You will be shown to me as long as I continue to seek You “with all my heart.” Maybe my devotions “supposedly” devoted to You so far weren’t done in a sincere manner?

If so, what could change inside me, Sire? What sort of corrective action do I need to take to get nearer to You?

Father, I don’t have a huge favor. But if You will and may, I am asking You to help me write tomorrow’s devotions “relentlessly” to You, as I were before. That’s all, Sire. Thanks for having put up with reading my ill devotions every day, Sire. You are indeed a very understanding reader, and I am just too lucky to have You as my only subscriber dwelling in Heaven. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 16, 2021

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Proverbs 16:1 & 9 — The ultimate director of my life

Father, 

Yesterday I was told that all these concerns and worries that’ve been enslaving my daily life are chiefly stemmed from my lack of prayers.

Let me ask You, Sire. Is this scribble considered a prayer to You? How would You grade me on Your Communication-With-Lord 101 class? Can I at least get a passing grade? I admit my class performance wouldn’t be qualified for an A. But since You are a nicest and very lenient grader, I hope You wouldn’t fail me in this class. 

Just 12 minutes ago, I read the entire chapter of Proverbs 16. The majority of the chapter discusses of Your plan for Your followers, like me, Sean.

“The plans of the heart belongs to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord …… The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps,” Proverbs 16:1 and 9 reads, respectively.

Father, 

I started to write this devotions at 8:59 p.m. And it’s now 10:07 p.m. I would usually write spontaneously to You; but somehow I feel clogged tonight. For over an hour, all I wrote was the verses I read on the Bible. 

This is odd; or I may have tried too hard and even felt pressured that I ought to come up with something flashy and glamorous for You to read. 

No, a wrong thought. Completely misguided thought, I know. 

Through Proverbs 16:1 and 9, You’ve told me once again that You are the ultimate director of my life. You are, indeed. Frankly speaking, Sire, as the first week of my “reset” master’s project defense is set to begin next Monday, I feel pressured, puzzled, and even uncertain of my next week, month and beyond. 

I am uncertain of the things I have thought of and prepared in the past four plus weeks. My plan is Sean-made, and thus it’s not perfect and very much vulnerable to breaches and molds. I need Your affirmation, Sire. I need You to affirm my plan so I can start executing it in confidence starting next Monday. 

It’s now 10:11 p.m. Wow, This devotions was one of toughest ones to write in almost seven months. 

Writing to You shouldn’t weigh any pressure on my shoulders; but tonight, as much odd as it may sound, I felt pressured to write You this. Not sure why. If You know why, will You solve this for me? 

Anywho, thanks for reading my another ill devotions to You, Father.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 15, 2021

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Philippians 4 — No more excuses allowed before Him

Apostle Paul through his heartfelt letter to the people in Philippi presents a straightforward, with no detour or veil, way to live every day that pleases Him. 

Paul himself successfully did so, and wanted those who read his letter to do the same. 

Just two hours ago brought the end of a four-week long Zoom Bible study on the Book of Philippians. 

After the last session was wrapped up, the pastor (who led the study) asked each of the study participants to share their departing thought. When my turn came, I said while murmuring — “For Paul, it may have been easy peasy to so consummately live to His will, and he indeed did so. The past four weeks have taught me the How; what’s left is whether I can put the How into the action. Not sure whether I am capable of doing it. Will see.” 

Yes, I really am not sure whether I could 100 percent adapt Paul’s teachings into my own. 

On Philippians 4:9, Paul says — “The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” 

This verse reads to me as if a math expert’s telling me to solve this set of mathematical quandary just like he’s done at ease. 

Paul is an expert at doing things that pleases Him. But I am not, really not. 

The Philippians chapter four specifically lists out the three acts that I ought to do to make Him pleased. 

Rejoice in the Lord. Let my gentle spirit be known to all men. And, pray. 

To rejoice, according to Paul’s definition, is to adapt a capability of rejoicing amidst personal sufferings. To rejoice, according to Paul’s definition, is to learn not to be anxious for uncertainties in life but to realize my innate ability to rejoice in Him wherever I am and however daunting challenge my life faces. 

The very premise to live like Paul is to be aware that He’s watching over me wherever I am. Even right now as I am writing this devotions to Him, He’s watching over me. 

If I can learn to live in the Lord, and if I can be extra mindful of His thorough surveillance over my life, maybe I would get a better chance to live 1.7 percent like Paul did. 

“Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity…… I can do all things through Him who strengthens me,” Philippians 4:12-13 reads. 

My Father, through Paul, has told me that as long as I learn to stay self sufficient in the Lord, even if my earthly and materialistic needs may have yet been met, I’d be fully capable of rejoicing in every segment of life, fully content, with Him. 

Father, now I know what I need to do to place myself nearer to You. In knowledge, I am all expert. But in practice, I am yet very novice. I know it’s all up to me whether I choose to do what You want, or not. It’d be so foolish of me had I chosen not to do the things that You promise would bring spiritual prosperity into my life. 

It’s really all up to me. Please continue to watch over my life, Sire. I really hope and sincerely pray that my tomorrow will get seen more pleasing to Your eyes than my today’s been seen. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Jan. 14, 2021

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Matthew 5:10 — Adapt His righteousness into my daily life, really

I have succumbed to a lazy desire to sleep more this morning. 

An iPhone’s alarm first thundered at 4:30, 4:35, and 4:40 a.m., three times. I did wake up several minutes till 5 a.m., sat at my desk, and read this another powerful words from You.

“Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven,” Matthew 5:10 reads. 

The words that affirm those who stay righteousness to others and themselves will be blessed as their citizenry belongs to Heaven did enlighten me this morning. But, but the lazy desire to sleep for just half an hour more engulfed my will to study and know You more, and ended up having me sleep past 8 a.m. 

It’s now 12:36 p.m. Father. My morning “professional” task was dealt well. But, knowing that I failed to do any of early morning commitments promised to myself and You, yeah, doesn’t make me feel OK at all this lunch time. 

Since November 2019, the first meal of a day has always been a large cup of smoothie and a bowl of mixed nuts. I’ve rarely broke my first-meal routine ever since. For more than a year, I’ve been faithful to this dietary routine — for the sake of my health.  

Then, really, what have I been faithfully doing for the sake of my spiritual health? About two weeks ago I set a yearly goal before You; and the goal has already been breached several times, in less than two weeks. 

Big problem, really. Father, if there’s any first-aid treatment that can be applied immediately onto my wickedness, laziness, and chromic state of ill-determination, please let me have it. 

I reckon there isn’t a quick fix; and I also reckon You expect me to find a fix by myself.

OK, Sire. It’s now 12:49 p.m. I am half way done with drinking this fat smoothie, and will soon enter into my afternoon schedule. 

By the time I get to wrap up today, I will revisit this page and finish up my Jan. 13 devotions to You. 

Hopefully, in about 10 hours, I will get to write You in a brighter manner.

See You soon.

It’s now 9:51 p.m.

I thought I would have much to write to You by now. But, candidly speaking, I don’t have anything to add oonto what I wrote to You this early afternoon.

Through today’s message You told me to stay righteous to myself. If staying righteous to oneself means be extra vigilant of spending each precious hour given by Him to a degree that renders no shame to him- or herself, I have failed to live by the message today.

Father, another day has passed, and I didn’t like the way I chose to spend this day. Father, let me be awaken, really awaken.

In Your name I dearly pray,

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Jan. 13, 2021

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James 1:5 — Primary source of reference for wisdom

Apple’s Dictionary application or Merriam-Webster dictionary is the primary source of reference I navigate myself to seek a “crystal-clear” use of an English word that I ain’t sure how to mix it within a sentence. 

Per day, given my short list of vocabularies embedded in brain, I would pseudo-statistically lend the wisdom from an online dictionary at least a hundred times, or likely far more, to rightly understand a fine-tuned sentence at which my eyes are gazing. 

Dictionary to me is like an earthly god, almost soulmate to my everyday quest to bettering myself at utilizing a diverse array of English expressions when working on a craft. 

I don’t hesitate to ask my earthly soulmate for help. And whenever I ask, this man answers to my question immediately. 

My relationship with dictionary has always been very well entrenched that there’s absolutely no room for a breach attempt. 

Then, how about my relationship with God? How many times a day do I un-hesitantly seek His wisdom? Is He even my primary source of spiritual reference I go to make a wiser choice amidst a quandary in everyday life? How much am I dependent on Him? 

“But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him,” James 1:5 reads to Sean Na at 6:04 a.m., Tuesday, at his Ilsan home, after having just searched for a right use of the word “quandary” on Apple’s Dictionary.

I know He’s powerful. Absolutely no doubt about His omnipotence. But, His invisibility makes me less attracted to seeking His wisdom. I know I should nonetheless keep striving to apply lessons I learn from the Bible into my every hour of life. Those lessons are His wisdom, I know. But to practice them in real life is daunting. 

Am I making an absurd excuse, Father? Am I trying to circumvent my daily responsibility of pursuing You? 

If I am, please do fix me. 

This early morning I want to build a sturdy base for an unbreachable relationship between You and I. To do so, I reckon I need to first confess my irregularity in a pursuit to learning more about You; and I will make one promise to You, Sire. 

Father, starting at 6:16 a.m. until the end of today, I will send You an outspoken prayer at least three times and ask for Your wisdom. Frankly speaking, the last time I did this dates back to… oh my, I can’t even remember the most recent day I outspokenly talked to You. Goodness. 

It’ll be challenging (to my lazy and stubborn self) to try talking to You several times a day, even though it shouldn’t be a challenge.

But I will do it, Sire, as promised to You. 

Talk to You soon then.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 12, 2021

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John 13:35 — Dream to be a person He likes

Good fresh morning to You, Father, really good morning. 

‘Help me live each every day as You want me to’ is likely the most popular prayer I’ve written to You in the past six plus months. 

And just now, at 5:19 a.m. Monday the Jan. 11th, You have hinted me the how through John 13:35.

It reads: “By this all people will know that you are My disciples: if you have love for one another.” 

From John 13:35, You’ve told me that to love others is to treat them as if they are a part of my body; to love others is to put their needs before my own; and to love others is to dream for a day when I get capable of serving their needs to the fullest, without any hurdle or limitation. 

Father, I do want to be able to love others as You do. Thinking back, I may have been writing You a selfish prayer in the past months. I’ve been asking You to help me become a person that’s proficient at serving Your purposes. But I never specified which purposes do I want to become better at serving. 

With the help of Your words today I think I have a slightly clearer answer to that question, Sire. 

To better serve Your purposes, I need to learn how to love others like You do; and to love others like You do, I need to adapt a selfless personality like You’ve long adapted; to adapt a selfless personality, I need to consider fulfilling needs of others before my own; and to have a better chance at attaining this all, I need to start dreaming about becoming a selfless Sean Na whose everyday goal is to work to help others laugh more, and thus help them construct a life filled with smiles. 

Father, it’s now 5:40 a.m. Thanks a ton for having me open up what-will-be another fulfilling day by Your standards. At every hour I will spend from now on, I hope and pray I will spend so in a heartfelt manner that I want to nail this hour to be a person You like. 

That’s all I am asking You for, Father. 

Let’s do this. Let’s seize this day, together! You and I. A teamwork! 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 11, 2021

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1 Samuel 7:1-11 — Spiritual transformation

Father,

This morning You had me read Hebrews 10:24-25. From the verses You’ve told me to be a person who doesn’t keep treasures to himself but be the one who shares them with others.

“And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and good works; not forsaking our own assembling together, as the custom of some is, but exhorting one another; and so much the more, as ye see the day drawing nigh,” You’ve told me through Hebrews 10:24-25.

Father, I don’t think I am yet ready to be a person You like. I still tend to take Your presence inside me for granted; I for most times consider You as a tool for enriching my life with goodness You nonetheless provide for free; and I for the most part of my day apt to get forgetful of Your words. 

Father, a few hours ago I received a sermon based on 1 Samuel 7:1-11, a story of a spiritual transformation the people of Israel underwent after a 20 years of suffering against Philistines. 

The Israelites, during the 20 years of suffering, treated You as a tool to establish their safety from Philistines’ aggression. For 20 years, they worshipped You as usual; sent prayers to You as usual; and sought comfort in You as usual. 

However, their worships were done in a very superficial fashion. Their worships weren’t heartfelt; rather they were merely wanting You to provide them what they needed, while they weren’t giving You what You wanted — a sincere heart to worship, with You taking the central position inside their mind. 

After 20 years, the Israelites finally did realize that they had been pretending to worship You. A con worshiper was what’d entitled them for 20 years. 

As per an act of confessions, the Israelites first removed all the idols for which they had worshiped; wholeheartedly confessed their sins; and gave You a sincere form of worship by which You were pleased. 

“… All the house of Israel lamented after the Lord,” a part of 1 Samuel 7:2 reads. 

As the Israelites lamented and acknowledged their 20-year-old sin before You, and as from the lamentation they were transformed into a renewed version of Christian that You like, Father, I want to confess what I’ve done wrong to You and be transformed into a renewed version of Sean Na that You like. 

For over 180 devotions I’ve written to You, the majority of them were written in a non-sincere manner. Instead of being driven by a hopeful expectation that by writing this would help me take a step closer to knowing You better, I was rather propelled to write it every day primarily because I wanted to keep the streak. 

I may well have not set studying Your words as my top priority. Instead, the top priority may have been developing a habit of writing every day; or it may have been getting faster at writing fine sentences. 

Let me be honest with You, Sire. Yes, I’ve been acting like how the people of Israel acted during the 20 years of suffering. Something needs to change in my way of worshiping You, Sire. 

That’s why I don’t think I am ready to absorb Your words from Hebrews 10:24-25. I am too wicked to be a person disseminating Your powerful words to others. 

Please help me get transformed; help me be driven to know You more; and help me set serving You as for the top priority in my daily life. When I wake up tomorrow early morning and begin to read Your words, I hope and pray I will get to read and study Your words with a sincerest heart I could possibly exhume from the inside. 

In Your name I dearly ask and pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 10, 2021

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Psalms 46:1 — Have Your assurance be realized in my life

An old universal adage says — Well begun is half done, or 시작이 반이다 in Korean. 

Father, I have quite a pretentious (yeah, really pretentious) project in mind. It’s a solo project. Its successful completion is very much contingent upon first my tireless efforts; second my ability to earn collaborations from other professionals; and third Your guidance and help.

Doing this project wouldn’t guarantee a fabulous job nor would it bring a good sum of money into my bank’s account.

Frankly speaking, I have thought about embarking on this project for nearly a month now; but I haven’t even started it, because I’ve been too worried about getting on it. 

I could at least think of doing this project because I have such supportive parents behind me. Really, I am one of luckiest sons on earth to have such parents, really. 

Father, starting on Jan. 1, 2021, I’ve decided not to be in hustle, anymore. Since then, my daily motive is to seize each day, and not worry about what would come tomorrow. 

Should I get on the project starting tomorrow, Sire? 

Yes I still have a master’s degree in progress, so technically right now may be a right time to invest into a risky but could-be very rewarding challenge. But when considering those many years of age I’ve added up in life, shouldn’t right now be the most productive period of my life, money-making wise? 

This morning You had me read Psalms 46:1, which reads: “God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.” 

Father, I don’t think I am in trouble; but I am in a very twisted situation in which I ain’t sure which direction would not leave me astray.

As I’ve written millions of millions times already, Sire, You know, You know everything related to my future whereabout. 

Yes, I am indeed a lucky man, Sire. Not many people would have this luxury that I don’t deserve to have it utilized in life. But You are letting me utilize this luxury. Since You are, I will need to come up with an appropriate outcome to be presented before You, Sire. 

All I need is Your wisdom, Father. Psalms 46:1 assures You will be presently available to assist me whenever I get on verge of losing track. Sire, I hope I am eligible to claim Your assurance be realized in my life. 

I really do hope so. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.  

From Sean to Him

Jan. 9, 2021

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2 Samuel 7:22 — How great is our God

An international version of Chris Tomlin’s song — “How Great is Our God” — delivers the song in at least five different languages. Of them are English, Spanish, Portuguese, Chinese and others my ears don’t recognize. 

The international version runs for more than six minutes. Though mixed in various languages whose diction, rhythm and deliverance all differ thus may cause distractions to folks listening to the song, every second of the song, at least to me, brings harmonious sound to my ears. 

I like to believe that’s because every singer involved in the performance speaks the same language, God’s language. 

“Wherefore thou art great, O Jehovah God: for there is none like thee, neither is there any God besides thee, according to all that we have heard with our ears,” 2 Samuel 7:22 reads. 

Around 5ish a.m., rubbing off my sleepy eyes, I sat at my desk and listened to this harmonious song for three consecutive times. The song’s simple and repetitive. “How great is our God” is being repeated more than a dozen times. But the song didn’t sound boring at all this morning. And it still doesn’t as I am listening to this, again, while writing this to You, Sire.

It’s now 7:11 p.m. I just wrapped up my daily task for today. In the meantime, I ain’t sure how many times a day have I thought of how great He’s been to me while being busy at doing my work this morning and afternoon. 

Probably a very few, or maybe none.

The message from 2 Samuel 7:22 sets a timely reminder to Sean today, that I could do this and that because of Him; that I could listen to enlightening songs because of Him; that I could enjoy fixing and treating myself a marinated Chicken stew tonight because of Him; and that I could record another productive day spent into my yearly checkbook because of Him. 

Father, it’s only 7:17 p.m. More than four hours are left until I call it a day. I have something in plan for tonight. I hope this plan suits Your expectation, Sire. 

Here I go, a final push for today. 

Meanwhile, let me not forget to write this to You, Sire.

Thank You for always being my good companion, mentor, and sometimes heartfelt reprimand-er. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 8, 2021

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Philippians 3 — Citizenship to Heaven

I woke up this morning with a deluge of news alerts daubing my entire iPhone screen that the U.S. Capitol is being mobbed, and from the mob were four people dead.

Shocked and terrified, while I should’ve gone ahead to write a devotions, I went straight to news websites, read news, and exchanged numerous correspondences with friends over in the United States this morning and afternoon. 

Just 30 minutes ago I finished the third round of a Zoom Bible study on Philippians chapter 3. 

Honestly saying, I couldn’t pay attention to it; I was too news-distracted; and too abuzz with this lingering thought on a role of journalist to assuage this too rapidly widening social and political divides across the world. 

From the Bible app I read Proverbs 11:24 — which reads: “There is one who scatters, and yet increases all the more, and there is one who withholds what is justly due, and yet it results only in want.” 

Being generous and less selfish to others, a core message from today’s verb by the app. Sounds good, but unfortunately there isn’t a space left inside me to let the message burn bright. 

Really, I am still abuzz, Father; even if I am in S. Korea, not in the states, why am I too concerned about what’s happening in more than 6,000 miles away?  

News to me is like an earthly daily bread, which I should eat every day to stay alive, journalistically speaking. But this earthly daily bread hindered me from eating the other daily bread whose value far surpasses than the earthly one. 

I’ve just started eating the other daily bread, and I am struggling to have a bite of it. Your words, Sire. To consume Your words right I need to clear out any dirt in my brain and mind to allow as much space to invite them into my inner body. Right now my inner body is full of dirts. This is problematic, Sire. Really, troubling. 

From Philippians 3 You’ve told me through Paul that acquiring knowledge of God surpasses every other knowledge on earth; and that life filled with losses, struggles and challenges is meant to be a path toward knowing more about Him and helping Him with the mission. 

“For our citizenship is in heaven, from which also we eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ; who will transform the body of our humble state into conformity with the body of His glory, by the exertion of the power that He has even to subject all things to Himself,” Philippians 3:20-21 reads. 

Father, I want to be reminded of a permanent citizenship You’ve granted me, Sire. The citizenship to Heaven is and should be what I shoot for every each day. Today I’ve failed to lift up Your words in my life, Sire. A real shame on me, Sire, I admit. 

When I wake up and start to invite You in tomorrow around 4:45ish a.m., I hope and pray my entire focus and effort will be geared toward knowing You more and understanding Your words better.  

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Jan. 7, 2021

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John 1:14 — Your words breathe inside me

Father, thanks for helping me get up, this time, on time. 

The clock’s pointing at 4:49 a.m., and I am indeed thrilled to write you another, but hopefully candid and heartfelt devotions.

You are giving me words from John 1:14 for me to enlighten and inspire myself before I kick off what-will-be fruitful Wednesday the sixth. 

“And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us (and we beheld His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father), full of grace and truth,” John 1:14 reads. 

Father, I hope and pray I would get to spend this day while feeling Your majesty dwelling inside me at every second of today. 

I confess that I’ve used to let Your words flow into one side of my ear and soon let them flow out through the other side. Thus, yes, I’ve been failing to retain Your words inside my spiritual depository for a desirable amount of time. But this one, the one You’ve given me this morning, I hope to retain it however long You want me to, maybe forever. 

It’s indeed vital to acknowledge Your words breathing inside me, to revitalize me when I get weary, to console me when I get sad, and to walk along with me when I am about to enter into a rugged, really rugged trail of life. 

Sire, frankly speaking, I woke up several times between midnight to 4:15ish a.m. this morning. I didn’t want to oversleep and miss this opportunity to write You a letter first thing in the morning, as I unfortunately did yesterday. But I am fine, Sire. I am all brighten up and refreshed. Even in a spotty sleep, You made sure I got a good enough rest.

But if You will, I hope and pray You’d help me establish a firm sleeping pattern so I wouldn’t have to wake up in between sleep to check the clock but sleep for the straight four to five hours, starting tonight. 

Father, I am still left without a regular schedule per day. It is up to me on whether I get to spend each day successfully (under Your definition), or not. I get to make my own daily schedule; get to make a list of daily priorities; and motivate myself to get them done. I’d be left powerless to do it all on my own; but with You, I know I “will” be fully powered to do it all. 

My so-far partnership with You has been an invaluable asset to my life, Sire. Without this partnership, I wouldn’t be standing where I am

It’s now 5:20 a.m., Sir. Let’s do this together. Let’s seize this day together. 

Yes, together. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 6, 2021

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Matthew 6:11 — Sir, I want to be deserved to get Your support

I don’t think I am in a position in which I can request Him for something that’d fill my needs, at least for today. 

On the morning of Jan. 1, 2021, I made a recurring weekly schedule that I was firm and determined that I would live by this schedule, every day, to more strategically prepare myself to serve Him better. It was the promise made not only to myself but also to Him. 

The schedule says the wake up time is 4:30 a.m. Today, I woke up at 9:23 a.m. 

Not even a week has passed, and I already breached the pact with Him.

Just moments ago I opened up the Bible app, and the words He wants me to read tonight come from Matthew 6:11. 

It reads: “Give us this day our daily bread.” 

The bottom line is — He will provide whatever I need as long as I ask Him. 

No, no, and no. Not to me, Sir. Not to Sean Na who’s too lazy and ill determined that he couldn’t keep up with his pact even for a week. 

Father, I sort of hoped You would reprimand me tonight rather than encourage me; but You’ve chosen to encourage me, again. 

When I woke up and realized the clock well passed 9 a.m. this morning, I first blamed my iPhone’s alarm clock. But soon I had to admit the 100 percent blame should’ve been on myself. 

The five-hour late start of the day has brought me less work accomplished, and less progress in my ongoing endeavor.

Yes, it’s now become not possible to accomplish my new year’s initiative; but that doesn’t mean I would stop here, Sir. 

I want to be deserved to get Your support. I don’t want to be a free rider, Sir. Nor do I expect You to do everything for me, while I am just lying on my bed listening to entertaining podcasts.

Sir, let me get a refreshment. A fresh start. It’s only the fifth day of the new year, and there still more than 350 days remain before I get Your judgement on whether I successfully meet Your expectations for 2021. 

Here goes, Sir. A new start. I hope You’d stay with me throughout my journey, though I’ve disappointed You today. I know You would, and thus I thank You. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 5, 2021

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Matthew 4:4 — Live by Your words

“But He answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God,” Matthew 4:4 reads.

It’s 5:35 a.m., almost an hour later than my weekly schedule says I should’ve been at my desk writing devotions. 

For almost two weeks now I’ve been suffering this unaccounted skin disease that’s been tickling the entire body. It’s been especially annoying because this tickle has not only significantly disrupted my every night sleep but also has it really downgraded a quality of work I’ve brought to myself on a daily basis.  

Whatever is trying to hinder me from living by the schedule (I believe) You expect me to live by, Father, I like to believe the power of Your words win over anything. Father, if You will, I hope and pray You would help me get rid of this irritating disease out of my body so that I may put a better focus on doing work that’s meant to meet Your daily expectations on me. 

If You would forgive my tardiness by an hour, Father, I am still glad that I am writing this scribble to You first thing this quiet morning on Jan. 4, 2021.

You say through Matthew 4:4 that eating bread alone won’t satiate my daily hunger but consuming Your words will. 

Father, to be honest, for almost six months I have read more than 180 Bible verses and written about them. However, unless I revisit my Journalism Blog’s Daily Devotions page and read each every scribble devoted to You, I tend to forget about what I’ve read and written about once a or two days pass. 

This is a big problem, Sire. However many gracious words by You I read and reflect on every day, if I tend to forget about them after a day or two, what good could it add to my life? 

Father, I want Your words provided to me every morning be alive inside me as long as they can, hopefully forever. I know my poor brain can only process a certain amount of words per day; and thus it may soon forget about specificity of a daily Bible verse provided from You to me. Nevertheless, Father, even though I may soon forget about it, I hope and pray that — at the very least, You would let Your daily bread (to) guide my daily life, starting right now. 

It’s 6:07 a.m., Sire. Shortly after I send this scribble to Your inbox, I will begin my official day by the schedule. I believe and know that Your message from Matthew 4:4 will stay active in every segment of my Jan. 4, 2021,

OK, Sire. Let’s roll together. Let’s nail this very day, together. A typical day it may be. But let’s make it atypical in a good way, together, Sire. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 4, 2021

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Nehemiah 1 — Pray in a right way

“I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing,” John 15:5 read, on the early third morning of 2021, to Sean. 

John 15, a preach from Jesus that describes Himself as vine and those who follow Him as branches, reminded me of a hotly contested Bible study I thoroughly enjoyed about three years ago in Glendale, Arizona — when I joyfully volunteered to plunge myself into a swamp of journalistic spree every day. 

During the Bible study, I questioned my group that: 

“If the Bible indeed saith Jesus has forgiven every one of us from sin, loves every one of us, and works with every one of us, why does John 15:6 says: ‘If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned’?” 

I and the rest in the group exchanged lots of speculative opinions on the question. Our quest to resolve one of many conundrums in the Bible wasn’t as successful. But knowing that I belonged to the group with whom I could share my daily spiritual brawls at ease, and without any murmur or sweat, brought a mental comfort into a life daubed by an abundance of deadline challenges at the time.

Since I left Arizona in late 2017, I had chosen to lead my spiritual journey on my own. Obsessed with a short-sighted thought that it’s foremost important to fortify the relationship between I and Him without any outside interference, I wasn’t so fond of joining a Bible study group. Yes, I was a youth group leader when I was working in Beijing; and yes I once tried joining a small Bible study group in Missouri last year. However, I was never ardent at spending times as a group. To me at the time, spending more times on my crafts was far more important. Spiritual development was always the second in line.

Then, since mid November, I’ve been fairly actively partaking in a group Bible study at Samil Church; and it’s been pretty good, I think.

Just a few hours ago, I and four other small group members had a fruitful conversation based on Nehemiah 1:1-11, a heartfelt narrative of Nehemiah wholeheartedly praying not for himself but for the people of Israel about whom he dearly cared. 

On verse 7, Nehemiah repents and prays — “We have acted very corruptly against You and have not kept the commandments, nor the statutes, nor the ordinances which You commanded…” 

Nehemiah knew had the people not followed the words of His, they would be forced to be scattered apart and be destined to be wandering off in a middle of directionless land. But, as so understanding and merciful He always is, Nehemiah knew if the people choose to repent and pray to Him in a right manner, He will bring the people back to His residence and direct them to live in a way that pleases Him. 

‘What can I do for Him?’ was a pressing question our group discussed tonight. Instead of asking Him what we want, asking Him what He wants us to do for Him. 

Three years ago, I was perplex to learn that He would burn me down had I not abided in His vine. Frankly speaking, I was pretty disappointed after having read John 15, as I thought He would always remain so merciful, forgiving, encouraging, and empowering however bad I behave before Him. 

But, thanks to the group who’s helped me rightly read Nehemiah chapter one, I think now I have a better understanding of how I should try communicating with Him on a daily basis. 

Instead of asking Him for a favor; instead of complaining about my daily petty battle; and instead of asking Him to deescalate my daily tension, I need to start asking Him — Sire, how would You like me to serve You today? 

Father, thanks for reading my another scribble to You. Tomorrow is the first Monday of 2021. Sire, I have made a recurring weekly schedule a few days ago. I intend to live each day by the schedule that I made. But I hope and pray the way I intend to spend every day in 2021 is also the way You expect me to spend every day in 2021.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 3, 2021

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Deuteronomy 31:6 — Promise made before Him

“Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you,” Deuteronomy 31:6 reads to Sean Na, on the second day of 2021.

Father, one of my goals for 2021 is to significantly reduce a number of complaints, whines and cries I too frequently brought to You in the previous year. Instead, I hope and pray I would write You more praises and thanks. 

Father, I know I would face new challenges, and undergo another series of struggles. Those challenges and struggles would likely recur in my 2021, just like they did so religiously in 2020. 

Father, however, as I have written You devotions for nearly six months, every day, I’ve realized that there’ve been too many occasions for which  I’ve missed to praise and thank You last year. 

I was selfish, Father. My eyes were so narrowly sighted that I could only see what was (to my short-sighted thought) imminently needed before me — getting stories published, getting more readerships on my stories, lessening my temporary stress and worries, getting settled with a full-time reporting job, and etc… 

Father, I admit that I’ve long-forgotten about the amount of assistances and graces You’ve already provided to me. It is my fault for having failed to recognize even a little amount of Your supports in my daily life. 

Father, I want to revamp myself, both spiritually, personally and professionally. I want to be renewed. And, if I dare, I hope and pray I would continue writing this scribble to You, every morning (starting tomorrow), until the last day of 2021. 

One point in 2021 I would get a job, no doubt about that. And there will be many days in which I get swamped by a gigantic workload. Even when those times come, Father, I politely ask You to motivate me to spare at least 30 minutes dedicated to You, ideally every morning. 

Father, yesterday I made a new, recurring weekly schedule. According to the schedule, I am expected to write You a devotions first thing in every morning. 

I know I am inherently a lazy Sean Na; and I know how ill determined have I been in past years. But this promise I am making to You, Father. I hope and pray I can complete the promise and hopefully please You by the end of this, what-will-be fruitful 2021. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 2, 2021

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2 Corinthians 5:17 — Brand new me

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come,” 2 Corinthians 5:17 reads. 

Paul told this to the people of the church at Corinth, who tended to judge others based on their outward appearance or/and social class. 

As Christian, Paul says, we ought to treat every person with the same standards — that every one of us is equal under God; and that whatever job we have is what He wants each of us to do, and thus a job we hold is regarded noble to His eyes.

Through the verse, Paul also asks me whether I am ready to throw away the olds and accept the new(s). 

The olds that I’ve not been able to throw away last year — desire to sleep more; procrastination; making up every excuse to make me feel OK at not doing a thing I should have; taking my parents for granted that I sometimes shell my anger at them to solely make me feel less angry; and etc… — need to be thrown away, starting today. 

While the new(s) that I’ve wanted to adapt into my habit but have been too lazy and ill determined to do so last year — being on schedule; work before entertainment; time management; His words before my words ; others’ opinions before my opinions; listening before arguing; respect before judge; love before hate; and etc… — need to be accepted into my habit, also starting today. 

Today is Jan. 1, 2021. The first day of 2021. I hope and pray that today will also become the first day of new Sean Na, a transformed version of Sean Na who’s very mindful of promises he’s made to Him. 

Father, thanks for this whole new year You’ve given me. 

Father, I want to be renewed. Sire, I reckon a quality of my last year’s service to You was substandard, I apology. But this year, in 2021, I don’t want to disappoint You any more. Please work with me in every step of my 2021, and help me get better at serving You this new year. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Jan. 1, 2021

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2 Corinthians 1:20 — As promised

On every Dec. 31, about an hour before the New Year’s bell rings, I used to go to church to attend a New Year’s Eve service, and to pick up a Bible verse printed on a thumb-sized plastic card, whose verse is supposedly what He wants me to carry along the following year. 

Slightly after midnight on Jan. 1, 2020, I picked up 2 Corinthians 1:20. It reads: “For as many as are the promises of God, in Him they are yes; therefore also through Him is our Amen to the glory of God through us.” 

‘Does this mean as long as I stick with God He will eventually help me realize my goals, as promised?’ I thought to myself on the first early morning in 2020. 

Whether I read His words right or not, words from 2 Corinthians 1:20 themselves made me feel hopeful, hopeful that the year 2020 would bring me more successes than failures, more gains than loses, more laughters than cries, and more joys than frustrations. 

Indeed, my plan for 2020 looked really promising. 

Starting in January I would start to cover the 2020 Missouri Legislative session, as journalist. In between the session, in late March, I would take a flight to Europe to visit London and EU Headquarter in Brussels to expand my horizon as reporter. During summer I would get a full-time reporting job in the United States, and unfold my journalistic potential. And when I would look back my 2020 on Dec. 31, I would tap my own shoulders and tell myself, “Sean, you’ve done well this year.” 

It’s 9:05 p.m. In less than three hours my promising year of 2020 would come to an end. 

The year 2020 hasn’t rolled as planned. It isn’t because of the corona pandemic, though it may have contributed a little. It’s rather because of myself, me having garbaged too much precious times, and me having not kept the promises I made to myself, and Him. 

On a flip side, the year 2020 wasn’t just all bad. Because of the year 2020, I have found my real passion in a certain area of journalism; because of the year 2020, I have identified nearly empty spaces in which I need to keep filling in to get better at doing what I think it’s “a” helpful journalism; and because of the year 2020, I have consciously developed a daily habit of writing devotions to Him, hoping He would hear and respond to my whines and cries. 

I reckon it was on the first week in July, when I somehow downloaded the Bible app and started to write a daily devotions based on a Bible verse the app provides every day. 

My original goal after I wrote the first scribble to Him was to keep the streak until the end of 2020. 

Today is the day, the last day of 2020. 

I ain’t sure how long I could keep writing Him this after tonight. My life hasn’t had any drastically “good” moment; nor has it been bettered in my short opinion since July. 

Maybe, as He told me a year ago that He will eventually bring me what He promises to me if my life gets filled with Amens, maybe, I should keep this streak, or not.

Father, it’s been a wild ride, a really wild ride that when reminiscing the past 12 months brings a mere chuckle on my face. 

Sire, it’s now 10:39 p.m. In about 80 minutes the new year 2021 will open up. I don’t know what You are preparing for me in 2021. Whatever Your plan is, Sire, help me not lose track of Your direction as I continue trekking through this long tunnel of challenging and thus will-be rewarding life.

That’s all I am asking You tonight, Sire. Thanks for being with me through this unprecedented 2020; and thanks in advance for being with me for every day in 2021.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Dec. 31, 2020

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Philippians 2 — To pass His test

Replicate His characteristics. Absorb His goodness. Talk and act like Him. And ultimately, live a life like Jesus Christ. 

For now more than 170 daily devotions I’ve sent to Him since July, likely at every end of each, I’ve asked Him to help me absorb His characteristics, even by 0.01 percent, so I could get a better chance to live a life as He wishes. 

The life He lived, however, wasn’t a comfortable life; it was rather a life doomed to death. A life that’s far away from being affluent. A selfless life. A life dedicated to serving others. And a life that nearly has no regards for oneself is how He lived.

And, I’ve been daring to write Him that — I want to think like You, talk like You, and act like You, if I ever can. 

Do I really want to? I ain’t sure. 

From Philippians chapter two, Apostle Paul presents a must-do list of ways to live a life to His will. 

From the list, on Philippians 2:4, Paul writes —“Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others; have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus.” 

Is it really against His will had I pursued my personal interests alone? What if my personal interests suit His expectations on me? 

From Romans 15, Paul also writes — “Now we who are strong ought to bear the weakness of those without strength and not just please ourselves; Each of us is to please his neighbor for his good, to his edification.

“For even Christ did not please Himself.” 

Selfless life that I need to willingly forfeit my gains to assist others in gaining what they need. What about my need, then? Father, what about my need? How would You make sure I get to fill my need before I go out and serve others?

In about 30 minutes I will join another Zoom Bible study. Sire, I hope and pray You’d draw me a clearer roadmap of how You expect me to spend tomorrow, day after tomorrow and beyond.  

It’s now 10:45 p.m. 

Father, thanks for having motivated me to join tonight’s Bible study and helped me understand Your words as written. 

Father, I know I can’t be 100 percent like Your only Son. But as You have humbled Your Son and lifted Him up as written in Philippians 2:6 to 11, Father, I like to believe that I am undergoing an assimilative experience as Your Son did under Your directions. 

As Your Son has successfully passed Your test and ended up glorifying Your name, Sire, if You will, I like to politely also ask You to prepare me well enough so I can, like Your Son, successfully pass Your exam and thus glorify Your name, hopefully soon.

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 30, 2020

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Psalms 34:4 — Just like what You did to David, Sire

Father,

David in the Bible testified how You answered to his persistent prayer and eventually pulled him out of all his fears.

“I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears,” David chants in thankfulness of You through Psalm 34:4. 

I want to experience what David experienced with You, Sire. 

You fought with David, when he was confronting the gigantic Goliath; You helped him escape from Sheol’s surveillance; and You let David found a kingdom dedicated to You. 

There’s no one trying to kill me right now. Sire. However, I do fear, fear that I may soon be forced to involuntarily kill my passion. 

As You offered Your mighty hands to David and enabled him to overcome his fears, would You please do the same for me, Sire? 

I have almost gotten through another day of a professional battle, Sire. It’s now 9:50 p.m. In a few hours I will be put under the blanket and try to snore as hard and deep as I can, if I ever can. 

Let me be honest with You, Sire. Father, not only I fear about what my future holds before me but also do I fear about me going to bed each night. 

“I could’ve done more before I go to bed,” I almost always tell myself whenever I’m ‘bout to be in bed.  

I know sleep is important; I also know keeping good health is “the” prerequisite to do work dedicated to You. I know. I know, Sire. 

I don’t really want to kill my passion in journalism, Father. I really don’t. 

Father, tonight I applied for three reporting opportunities in Seoul. All of which are pretty big job, a job that will sufficiently let me quench my thirst in journalism. 

I’ve been rejected countless times for a job I badly wanted to get. Sire, to be honest, I am not so confident that I would get one of these three jobs. But I know I so want it, so want it  so I can finally get my feet dirty every day, not to make money and be rich, but to know Sean Na is Indeed a born-to-be reporter — and most importantly to assist You in realizing Your kingdom, just as what David did in the Bible. 

Father, there yet remain at least three to four hours before I end my December the 28th. If You may, please let me spend the last few hours of the day in a most fruitful fashion; and please help me get a better night sleep than last night. 

That’s all, Sire. Thanks for reading my another scribble to You. 

And, not sure what time it is over where You live, Sire. Whenever You are ready to be in bed, I hope You’d sleep well, just like I will in a couple of hours. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Dec. 28, 2020

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Genesis 3:11-21 — Garments of skin put on me

Ephesians 6:11 has told me this morning to “put on the full armor of God, so that I will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devils.” 

Another encouraging and such empowering verse, a perfect message from Him to start the last Sunday of this unprecedented 2020, I thought to myself while still half asleep inside the blanket around 7 a.m. today. 

Father, I ain’t sure where to start to write this scribble to You. This early afternoon I had a man-to-man, candid conversation with my dad for two hours. As worried as I am, he’s been also worried about his son, not for his future but for his health. 

My dad’s been watching me going to bed around 2 or 3 a.m. and getting up around when he gets up — 5:30ish a.m., almost every day. An avid coffee drinker, I drink black coffee at least three times a day — to keep myself focused and awake until later each night.

My dad knew I’ve been skipping lunch almost every day; and rarely had dinner. 

For two hours, he repeatedly told me — “Son, don’t be in hustle. You are OK. Take your time; and most importantly eat well, sleep well, and take care of your body first.” 

Not sure why I am brining up this episode to You, Father. Maybe I want to brag You about how caring and thoughtful dad I have on earth. 

At 4:30 p.m., I joined an online Zoom service based on Genesis 3:11-21, a tale of Adam upsetting God by having a bite of an evil apple though he knew he shouldn’t.

Adam and Eve knowingly rebelled against God, committed an unforgivable sin, and tried to conceal their egregious sin from God. After having realized they’d committed a really bad sin, they were too ashamed that they couldn’t take a gut to stand before Him.

But, the ridiculously merciful God covered their sin by putting garments of skin on them, and told them — live your renewed life not for yourself but for others; always put others on priority before you. 

While listening to the sermon, I asked the pastor — “Then, which specific conscious effort should I try to live a life that pleases Him?” 

A lifetime conundrum I have against the Bible is — Jesus Christ isn’t visible to me; pastors have reiterated me that I ought to live a life that pleases Him; but He has never shown Himself to me nor has He ever voiced through my ears; then how on earth am I supposed to know whether I am living a life according to His will? 

The pastor asked me back — “Sean, what motivates you to do good to others? Is it for yourself, or sincerely for others?” 

‘Probably for myself,’ I answered to myself, inside. 

I’ve written numerous times to Him that I’ve chosen to do journalism to help others construct a better life. But, frankly speaking, I may have chosen this field to be popular; to be socially recognized; and to become a person who becomes an inspiration to others — by breaking a groundbreaking news to the world audience.  

Father, let me ask You again — how do You want me to live this short life? 

As crooked as my motivation may have been, Father, if I can, I really want to live a life oriented toward realizing Your goals. If You will, I am wholeheartedly asking You tonight to cleanse any dirt from me; renew me; and help me anchor my daily and life priority on, solely, You. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 27, 2020

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Joshua 1:9 — He’ll be with me wherever I roll

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go,” Joshua 1:9 reads. 

Just a few years ago my colleagues often called me as one of most annoying and persistent reporters existing on earth. My facial skin was more than an inch thick that I didn’t mind being kicked out, slurred, water-slashed, cheek-slapped or even tear-gassed while trying to gather information from sources who literally hate talking to journalists. 

I was also called too reckless, or more accurately stupid reporter. Back in October 2016, just to talk to a neighborhood association president, though I could just find her phone number and give her a call, I biked on a nearly six-mile long, rollercoaster-like road to Green Meadows neighborhood, arrived at the president’s house, and knocked on her door, repeatedly, until she came out of the door step. 

It took me far more than an hour to bike to her house. Drenched in sweat, I was expecting to have a fruitful, sit-in interview with her. But her answer was — I am fixing dinner; here’s my contact information; call me tomorrow morning; bye. 

As reckless and too stupid I was back then, however, I was also giving my everything on every story assigned to me. 

I wasn’t hesitant at knocking on a door of a total stranger. Though knowing that I might be charged as trespasser, I didn’t care. As long as I got the information needed to complete a story, I didn’t mind at all. 

Then, yesterday, while I was roaming around the downtown Seoul for several hours, I saw myself being hesitant at asking street merchants for a short interview. I was afraid. 

‘What if I get un-welcomed?’ ‘What if I get kicked out?’ ‘What if I get slurred?’ 

These thoughts that I used to not care at all just started flooding at me when I knew I so needed to talk to these street merchants to complete a story. 

Maybe I was lacked motivation. While I had an editor and was ensured that this story’d get published by a news publication to which I belonged a few years ago, right now I have no editor nor a news publication, which’d ensure me that this story’d get published. 

Maybe that was why, why I was so hesitant and acted like a timid chicken yesterday. 

It was also yesterday night that for the first time I wrote to Him that I am considering leaving this fascinating field of journalism. 

I never thought that I would ever write that frightening sentence to Him. Never thought. But I did. 

Darn it. 

Maybe that was more likely why I acted so hesitantly yesterday that from the very deep in my mind I may have already left journalism. 

Since July, I’ve been writing this scribble to Him every day; and at every end of each scribble, I’ve religiously told Him that journalism is the field I am destined to, the filed that I would never consider leaving, and the field in which I believe You want me to be invested.

It’s now 9:04 p.m. Right now I am listening to a song named in Korean “나의 하나님,” or English-translated as “My Lord, My God.” 

A part of the song’s lyrics goes — “Let Your kingdom come and Your will be done in my life; I want to know You, I want to see You, Lord my God; Grant me strength to live in holiness; and live a life of faith without fear.” 

From Joshua 1:9, He’s told me, again, that do not tremble or let myself be in dismay for He will be with me wherever I go. 

Frankly speaking, Father. Though I shouldn’t, Your message from Joshua 1:9 reads like another cliche, a cliche meant to provide a temporary relief to someone swamped in a middle of distress.

But, I like to believe, Father. I really like to believe that You’ve had me read Joshua 1:9 for “a” specific reason. Father, I am just too stupid to acknowledge why You’ve given me this verse tonight. But, but Father. If You will, I hope and pray Your words through Joshua 1:9 remains sitting deep inside my mind tonight, tomorrow and beyond. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 26, 2020

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Isaiah 9:6 — Prince of Peace

The song, named Prince of Heaven, is to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ. 

I learned about this song in September 2017, more specifically two days before my flight to South Korea from the United States. 

As hopeless and discouraged I was back then, a part of the song’s lyrics, though there’s nothing unique about it, “cymbals” my heart. 

It goes — “We can know Him, this Prince of Peace; In light of mercy, confess our sin; Lay our burdens at Jesus’ feet.” 

Once I get to know Him better, be more unhesitant at confessing my sin before Him, and be proficiently shy-less at laying my burdens at His feet, there shall be hope and peace sprouting up in my life — the song “Prince of Heaven” says. 

Since then, this has been the song I almost always listen to whenever I need to get extra focused on my work. Whenever I’m ‘bout to write a story, read a ridiculously twisted research paper, or let my brain get deep-fried, I immediately turn this song on repeat, over and over. 

Today is the 2020th birthday of Jesus Christ. 

This morning, from the Bible app I read Isaiah 9:6 — which reads: “For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us; And the government will rest on His shoulders; And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace.” 

His name will be called the Prince of Peace. Yeah, He’s the Prince of Peace. 

Let me be really honest, my Father. Though I don’t want to, I am considering leaving this fascinating field of journalism and searching for other profession related to editorial, such as government/corporate PR or copywriter. As the new year 2021 approaches, oh my, not sure how to describe this; Father, as the new year 2021 approaches, Sire, I get impatient more and more that I feel like I have to get on a money-generating business as soon as possible, like what so many millions of people do every day in this country. 

Too many thoughts did bypass inside a loop over loop in my mind last night, Sire. My long thirst in journalism hasn’t been quenched, not even 5 percent. But realizing that there hasn’t been a reporting opportunity opening up in Seoul yet, and realizing that it’d be too reckless had I continued in pursuing my ideal whose chance of realization seems so thin, I am not sure Father whether I am confident that I can do this, Sire. 

So I embarked on a spontaneous quest today, hoping to quench my thirst even by little. At 4 a.m. this morning I started doing background research for a story; at 8 a.m. I wrote a list of sources from which I needed to get information; at 11 a.m. I took a subway to Seoul; and from 11 a.m. until 7:30ish p.m., I roamed around Seoul, cautiously talking to street merchants and young couples on the streets to solicit information needed to complete the story. 

The rest of my family went on a one-day indoor vacation. I sure wanted to join them. But. But this lingering thirst in journalism, Sire. This thirst. I so badly want to quench it off, really do. 

Your song, The Prince of Heaven, escorted me throughout today more than superbly. Inside a subway, on the streets, and amidst chilly wind blows, Your song kept fueling me up. 

And here I am, at 10:43 p.m., in my Ilsan home, I am writing this to thank You for having worked inside me even on Your birthday. 

Sire, whichever direction You want me to go, I will follow. Practically speaking, the direction will likely be chosen by me in this real world; but I do believe my soon-to-be-made choice will be 100 percent guided by You. Right, Sire? 

OK, Father. I will end my note here. I will see You next morning If I get to wake up on time.

Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Dec. 25, 2020

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Philippians 1 — Replicate Paul’s personality

It’s 7:07 p.m., evening of Christmas Eve. 

Just a minute ago, I told the Korean Ministry of Agriculture that the agricultural solutions story unfortunately didn’t get published due to a lack of interest from international publications. I sent the story plus related photos to the ministry, hoping this unpublished story could at least be used to help the ministry continue implementing the organic bundle program, which’s been proven effective and has indeed saved thousands of organic farmers from bankruptcy this year. 

During the five-minute conversation with the ministry, I’ve said the word “sorry” repeatedly. It is indeed a painful feel when I finally have to admit that I ultimately fail to meet the expectations of those who’ve helped me to complete the solutions reporting.

It’s indeed, really. Yeah. Not a good feel.  

Anywho, in about 48 minutes I get to study the first chapter of Book of Philippians, the letter Paul wrote while imprisoned to his beloved folks in Philippi, via Zoom group Bible study. 

Last night I read the whole first chapter; and I just read it again. 

“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus,” Philippians 1:6 reads to Sean. 

As I was reading the chapter I was also simultaneously listening to a song named in Korean “먼저 그 나라와 의를 구하라,” or English-translated as “Seek Ye First.” 

A part of the song’s lyrics goes — “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of His …… (To Him) Ask and it shall be given unto you, (continue to) knock and the door shall be opened unto you.” 

Should I continue in this area of journalism, Lord? I ask. You’ve told me through Your words and song that if I continue seeking and knocking on the door, the door will eventually be open. Sire, I’ve been knocking on this seemingly hard-locked door for almost a decade; but this door isn’t willing to open up its inside to me. 

Apostle Paul while writing his letter to those in Philippi says whether he is writing this letter from pure heart or selfish ambition, the ultimate receiver of the letter will still read it and let His influence be realized inside Paul. I hope I’ve read it right, and dearly hope His influence would also get realized inside me, though me writing this scribble to Him may well be driven by my selfish ambition. 

How to purify my dark-stained heart, seek Lord, and try to live each day not for my own gain but for others while hopefully keeping myself not starving? 

A difficult quest, I know. Maybe during the Zoom Bible study that starts in 15 minutes would get me some hints, I hope. 

It’s now 9:38 p.m.; the study just ended. 

Father, I thank You for letting me consummately understand the first chapter of Philippians. As Paul says he would rather choose to live a suffering life for Christ’s sake, please imbue me an iron will of wanting to continue serving for Your purpose, Sire. 

The current challenge isn’t anywhere comparable to what Paul had to go through in prison, Sire. Understood that my level of determination is far weaker than Paul’s. Nonetheless, if I may, please help me replicate 0.01 percent of personality of Paul — so I could unfold a better future under Your definition. 

In Your name I pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Dec. 24, 2020

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Luke 2:14 — Finding peace in Him

As a newsman, it’s almost a ritual norm that I read a whole array of news every day. Keeping myself up to date with today’s hot stories isn’t enough. I ought to keep myself showered with news. News read, to me, is supposed to be an indispensable segment of my daily life. 

Every morning, around 6:30ish a.m. is a time for me to check and read a sundry of morning briefs sent from various international publications to my Gmail inbox. 

From each morning brief I would usually get propelled to click one or two links to full story. With a cup of hot Americano and a bowl of “chewable” mixed nuts, from around 6:30 a.m. to 7:30ish a.m. is meant to be a time for relaxation, enlightenment, and sometimes some amusement. 

But nowadays, I, a person who’s been reading and writing news ever since 2011, see myself wanting to stay away from reading news, though I still do read as obliged. 

Corona pandemic. A new daily record for COVID-19 infections. Skepticism and rising public uncertainties toward corona vaccines. A series of protests over a right to not wear mask. Young nurse dead from the virus. Sagging economy. Public afoul over deteriorating market system. Et cetera, et cetera.  

A deluge of negative news has almost daubed major news websites that I in recent days have had to almost dig in each website to find something brighter to read. 

It’s fatiguing, even to me, to read news now. Finding peace from news has nearly become a dead option. 

Then where to find peace? I ask myself this morning. 

“Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased,” Luke 2:14 reads to Sean at 5:51 a.m., Wednesday, two days before His birthday. 

Not sure whether I’ve read it right, but to me, Luke 2:14 reads as if as long as I am a Christ follower and am breathing on earth, peace has already been dwelling inside me. A lease-less, permanent shelter freely provided from Him to me has always been at its service to help me find peace. 

Father. Let me be honest with You, Sire. Every word I receive from You through the Bible reads really good, encouraging, reassuring, or peaceful. 

Father, it’s been almost half a year since I’ve been writing this scribble to You every day. But. But, I am still struggling to find peace in my daily life. 

From 9 a.m. until I go to bed I brawl against myself to get better at doing journalism. Every daytime is a time for professional battle. Sire, really, the only time I could find peace is right now, a dead silent morning in which the only sound I could hear is an outside honk honk. 

But I am already little overwhelmed when thinking of a list of work I want to get it nearly done by today, tomorrow, or end of this week. 

Really, where to find peace, Sire? If peace has long been set in place inside me, why haven’t I been able to take advantage of Your free gift? Is my method to worshiping You misguided? Have I not lived each day to Your standards? 

I’ve been carrying a minor headache for almost two months, Sire. I really want to flush it off. Doctor can’t help; but I know You can.

Father, soon I will unfold my December 23rd. As I trek through each hour of today, please be with me, and comfort me if I seem too distressed.

In Your name I pray, Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Dec. 23, 2020

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John 1:14 — His words dwell inside me

There’ve been a few times when I encountered a grandmother selling a pack of gum for a dollar inside an underground train. Almost every time I came across her, as long as there was a dollar bill inside my pocket, I asked her to sell one of her gum packages to me. 

Not only I was and still am a regular gum chewer but also do I feel like I need to help those in need, if I am capable of. 

“And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth,” John 1:14 reads to me at 5:31 a.m., Tuesday, three days before His birthday. 

The core message from John 1:14, if I ain’t misled, is that His presence has always been inside me since the day one of my life on earth — that though I often don’t recognize, He has always been assisting my everyday endeavor to spend each day to His will. 

Not sure why I thought of an episode of a grandmother selling gums inside a train. And also not sure whether this analogy is applicable to the message He’s given me through John 1:14. 

Nonetheless, as I was reading John 1:14 I almost immediately asked myself — “Am I not accepting His invitation to His comfort zone?” 

To Him, I may be regarded as the needy grandmother who desperately tries to sell packs of gum as many as possible to sustain living. 

As needy as I am, however, I’ve been too stubborn to myself and wrongly thought I could live through this challenging life without His compassionate assistance.

He’s always been residing inside me, John 1:14 affirms; and He’s ready to walk out His residence and help me in every step of my life.  

How rude and arrogant have I been to Him, really!? And how halfwitted would I be had I continued failing to recognize His presence inside me and make a use of His help into my daily life? 

Father, it’s now 5:50 a.m. This day has just started. I have more than 18 hours to spend December 22nd to my fullest. If I may, I want to work through today with You, Sire. I know You are so willing do so. So let’s do this together, Sire. You and me. A teamwork. 

Sire, let’s get this game on. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 22, 2020

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Matthew 1:21 — What a beautiful name it is

“You were the Word at the beginning; One with God, the Lord most high; Your hidden glory in creation; Now revealed in You, our Christ; What a beautiful name it is; What a beautiful name it is; The name of Jesus Christ, my King; What a beautiful name it is; Nothing compares to this; What a beautiful name it is; The name of Jesus.”

The above is a beginning part of the lyrics of the song “What a Beautiful Name.” The word “beautiful” is repeatedly underscored to decorate the name Jesus. 

The name Jesus, not only it’s so beautifully named but also is it so powerfully and wonderfully named as well. 

December the 25th, the very birthday of the man powerfully named Jesus, is fast approaching. 

“She will bear a Son; and you shall call His name Jesus, for He will save His people from their sins,” Matthew 1:21 reads. 

The wonderfully named man Jesus descended from Heaven to take all the sins on my behalf, the ultimate truth numerously told in the Bible. 

What could I do this week to commemorate the birth of the Powerful Man? Before Friday, the Christmas Day, comes, how could I do to get myself better prepared to wholeheartedly congratulate His birthday? 

On June 10, 1992, when I was birthed from my mom’s womb, my father named me “성현,” a combination of two Chinese characters meaning — wise man. 

Jesus lived His life according to what His name signifies; He met God’s expectation 100 percent. 

Have I? Have I lived according to what my name signifies? 

It’s now 5:52 p.m., Monday, four days till the Christmas Day. 

Yesterday I devised a plan for this week; how I should spend the second last week of 2020. The first day hasn’t yet been over. And there come three more days for me to get ready to greet Him. 

Here I go. Father. Please keep Your eyes on me as I continue to prepare a very reception just for You and Sean Na on the 25th. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 21, 2020

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Isaiah 7:14 — Grasping sign signaled from Him to me

When I was playing as catcher during a high school baseball game, per 7-inning game, I gave on average about 100 signs to a pitcher. Every sign I secretly gave to the pitcher’s mound was well intended. If the pitcher misread my sign, on my. Then there likely happened to be an accident, sometimes fatal to the game as a whole. 

It’s 4:40 a.m., December the 20th, exactly 11 days till the new year comes. 

This morning I ask Him — “Father, how many signs from You have I misread? Has there any sign from You that I’ve grasped it right?” 

Isaiah 7:14 tells me — “Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign: Behold, a virgin will be with child and bear a son, and she will call His name Immanuel.” 

I reckon every sign from Him has always been well intended; and it’s been my plain mistake of having failed to grasp an easy peasy sign from Him. 

As I start to unfold today, my goal is to try to recognize His sign delivered to me for today, and try to live by His sign. 

OK, here I go, Father. I am ready to receive Your sign. Which pitch do You want me to throw? Curve ball? Fast ball? Or Slider? 

Let me know, then I will give you a complete nod to Your sign. 

It’s now 10 p.m. 

Coincidentally (though none of Your work is done in coincidence), the church sermon I received today was also based on Isaiah 7. 

Isaiah 7 narrates the stubborn king of Judah trying to deter an influx of enemies into his country. Ahaz, the stubborn king, wanted to fight back and conquer the enemies on his own. The Lord wanted to help Ahaz, but he didn’t listen to the Lord. Nevertheless, The Lord helped Ahaz regardless, and saved the kingdom of Judah from the enemy’s attacks. 

Through Isaiah 7, the Lord repeatedly told Ahaz to grab the sign of help He wanted Ahaz to take advantage of; but Ahaz said through verse 12 — “I will not ask, nor will I test the Lord!” 

Ahaz thought the Lord would be no help that only he could resolve the imminent threat to his country. A completely arrogant, pompous, misguided, and wrong judgement. 

While listening to the sermon I thought to myself — ‘Have I been acting like Ahaz?’ 

Yes, I have been. For 28 years and six months of my life I may have been disregarding numerous signs of help from Him. And I know. I should not let myself re-commit the odd.

I haven’t yet grasped Your sign to me, Father. What’s Your sign? Which pitch should I throw toward the batter’s box? I don’t want to walk the batter nor do I want to let the batter hit a homer. I want to strike the batter out. To do so, I need to be clever-er at identifying Your sign, sire. 

It’s now 10:15 p.m. Father, I want to spend the next three hours to prepare my reporting spree for next week. Please be with me tonight; be with me tomorrow; and be with me for the rest of life — so I would no longer miss a one single sign from You, anymore. 

Meanwhile, about two hours ago, I had a conversation with my soulmate Hojae, who’s been locked in a public quarantine facility due to his recent diagnosis with COVID-19 since yesterday. Please be with him, console both his mental and physical pain, and help him get through this tough situation in Your care. Hojae is in a dire need of Your healing hands. Please place Your hands on him, and heal his wounds. I know You will. So I thank You for doing so in advance. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 20, 2020

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Philippians 4:4 — Rejoice, always

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!” Philippians 4:4 reads. 

Another slow, but busy day at home. 

From yesterday morning till 2ish p.m. today I was sweating indefinitely, inside. At 1:58 p.m., I received a message that my COVID-19 test result came negative. Ah. I was just so relieved, relieved not because I wouldn’t have to go through a 14-day quarantine again, but because I was ensured that I didn’t not spread viruses to my parents and numerous others who may have had a physical contact with me in the last seven days. 

Last night I couldn’t be in sleep until like 3 a.m. Until 3 a.m.,, I was holding up my iPhone Googling for possible symptoms for COVID-19, and other COVID-19 related things — even though I so well knew that there wasn’t a thing I could have a control of at the moment. 

Thinking back, I trusted Google search more than Him, the power of prayer, the power of worship, and living words from the Scripture. Waiting for the virus test result was nerve-racking. From yesterday until this afternoon I couldn’t get on my feet and assume my daily game plan. I needed some sort of relaxation, a thing from which I could seek comfort. To do so, instead of leaning on Him, I chose to lean on the Google search, and the automated but friendly Siri. 

Through Philippians 4:4 He’s told me to rejoice in Him “always.” To rejoice, I believe, means to pray while in dark; to worship while being weary; and to read His words though being deadly tried. 

I did none of them yesterday and today. Even after I learned I didn’t contract the virus, I didn’t rejoice Him. Yeah, I really did not. 

Hah.

Right now I am listening to a song named in Korean — “여호와 우리 주여,” English-translated as “Jehovah, Our Lord.” 

A part of the song’s lyrics goes — “Why do You keep thinking of me and accept me into Your embrace, though I am nothing special to You.” 

My behavior from yesterday elucidates how weak and even deceitful my faith has been to You, Father. Even still, why do You keep thinking of me and embracing me? 

I haven’t done anything special to You in return for Your over-flooding, free graces bestowed on me. Then, why Lord? Why am I still residing inside Your fence? 

Not sure whether I would be able to find ways to drastically develop an unwavering faith in You soon; but however long it takes, I hope and pray I will, eventually. 

Though it’s never enough to reiterate this, thanks for just, basically everything You’ve provided in my life, Father. That’s all. I don’t think I would have a gut to ask You for another favor today. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 19, 2020

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Isaiah 12:2 — Lord God is my strength

Today’s been, what should I say, pretty never-racking, health-wise. 

This morning I received a call from a friend with whom I had lunch last Saturday. He was tested positive for COVID-19 this morning, he said; and I should get tested as soon as possible, he asked me. 

Hah. Given that my mother runs a nursing home that houses 47 senior citizens, and that the next two weeks  may decide what I’d do in 2021, if I ever get tested positive, oh my. Not sure whether I’d be prepared to face it. 

I did read, research and write about things this morning and afternoon as I would do every day; but while doing it my entire mind was on this lingering thought — what would I do if I get tested positive tomorrow? 

I am worried; actually really worried. If I get the virus, then the painful ripple effect my positive test would bring to my mom’s nursing home would be un-imaginable. 

I am not feeling any symptom. Yes, I’ve been carrying a minor headache; but the headache’s been with me for several weeks. But what if I am asymptomatic but still carries the virus? 

There isn’t really a thing I could do at this point. I will get the test result by tomorrow or no later than Sunday; until then, yeah… 

“Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; For the Lord God is my strength and song. And He has become my salvation,” Isaiah 12:2 reads. 

I hope and pray He is thinking of the same scenario as I am right now, that the test result comes negative; that all these worries fly away; and that I resume to roll hard as usual starting tomorrow early afternoon.

It’s OK for me to get sick. I don’t mind being sick. I don’t mind whether my body temperature rises above 110 degrees. I don’t mind. I just don’t want my careless behavior to take a toll on others. And if that “others” happen to be my parents, oh my…

Lord. You can get me sick. I don’t mind being in an intensive care unit. If You want, you can have me undergo a near-death experience. But please, please protect my parents and all those who may or might have physically contacted me in any fashion from the virus. That’s all. Really, that’s all. You can have me undergo months of high fever; I don’t care, Sire. Just please don’t let the people I deeply love and care get the virus. That’s all. 

In Your name I dearly pray, Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 18, 2020

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1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 — Give thanks, pray and rejoice

“Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus,” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 reads. 

In everything give thanks; never stop praying; and always rejoice. 

You’ve told me to do these three things in my everyday life. I will give a shot, Sire. Starting right now. 

Father, I want to thank You for all my heartfelt colleagues all of who I’ve worked with and befriended during my times in the United States. Even if the physical distance between I and them are more than 6,000 miles apart, and even if it’s been several years since I exchanged words with them person to person, they haven’t forgotten me and have tried to help me in every way they could. 

This afternoon, around 2:30 p.m., the heartwarming John D’Anna from Arizona sent me a lengthy Facebook message trying to connect me with a new Washington Post Asia bureau chief, who happens to have worked in the newsroom that I once worked for, though in a different time. John D’Anna was one of my mentors when I was a breaking news/court reporter at the Arizona Republic. I left Arizona in 2017; but John, super busy senior reporter writing stories pertaining to imperative issues affecting his community, has always reached out to me and tried to help me as much as he could. I am indeed a lucky man to know John. And thus I want to thank You, my Father, for having let me befriend John for life. 

It’s 9:31 p.m., Sire. And about an hour ago I finished my Christmas shopping for friends and family. There’s one person that I am particularly thankful to have an opportunity to send him my handwritten letter. The name of the person is Scott Swafford, who for five years edited dozens of my stories, and who have recently sent his wife to Heaven. Scott was once my professor, first-line editor, then my master’s committee chair. But a more accurate description of the relationship between he and I may be he’s my beloved friend. It was indeed, and is still heartbreaking when thinking of his wife passing. Thus I am thankful that I am given an opportunity to write him a (hopefully) consoling letter, hoping this letter would help him get through this difficult time.

And Father, just moments ago, my parents came back home from work; and the first thing they said to me was — “Son, have you had dinner yet?” A casual conversation between son and parents, I know. However, I am just grateful that I have such caring and loving parents. Thus I am thankful, Sire, that both of my parents are healthy and are here with me resonating lots of laughters every night, every day in this love-filled apartment. 

Father, tonight, first I want to pray for my future. You know, You’ve long known how my future would roll. I am sure there’s a reason that You’ve not let me stay in the United States but sent me to South Korea this September. You know, Father. You know everything. Please help me stand firm with You, Sire. I think I can handle this situation for I know I am being consistently cared by You. 

Father, I also want to pray for all my friends and family whom I am just too lucky to have them in my life. Please protect all my U.S. friends from the corona virus, Father. Most of them are hard-working journalists working on the frontline to deliver vital news to those in need. Please be with every one of them, ensure their health, and help them keep dispatching helpful news to the world. 

Father, also, if You will, I pray that You’ll continue to watch over both of my parents. Father, if You really will, I want to politely ask You to be with my dad. My dad isn’t a believer. However, You know he is a good man, one of most caring family men. Please ensure his health, Father; and please, if You will, help him realize that the Christ Jesus is real and has always been with him since the day one of his life. 

Lastly but certainly not least, I want to pray for a friend whom I’ve known since July. I don’t know so much about her; and thus I ain’t sure what personal or professional issues she’s been dealing with recently. Nevertheless, You know what she needs, Sire. You know. So if You will, please answer her prayer to You. 

Father, thanks for letting me write another devotions to You tonight. The past 30 minutes of writing this has been so enjoyable, relaxing, and rejoicing, really. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 17, 2020

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Colossians 3:13 — Forgive myself to move on with Him

It’s 2:17 a.m. The time to start my December the 16th. 

I feel calmer than around 9:45ish p.m. last night when I was ‘bout to fall into sleep; and I feel so focused that now is the perfect time to write this devotions, as promised to Him. 

“Bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you,” Colossians 3:13 reads.

The gist from Colossians 3:13 is I shouldn’t hold onto the bitternesses that’ve been plaguing my life; rather I should let the bitternesses go by being willing to forgive those who’ve hurt me in the past.

I don’t have anyone whom I need to forgive. Yes, I’ve been bullied pretty bad in elementary and middle school; but I’ve let that memories disappear from my memories a long time ago. 

But. But. While reading Colossians 3:13, I’ve told myself — maybe I should learn to forgive myself. 

I’ve been told by my close friends, colleagues and even my mentor that I am too strict on myself; that I am too obsessed with making everything into perfection; that if I ever see a small flaw from any of my complete work (mostly stories) I get angry at it; and that I rarely get satisfied with my work performance — which makes it even harder for me to live each day in a happier fashion. 

Frankly speaking, I’ve chosen to be strict on myself since high school, or more specifically since the day one of my study in the United States.

I needed to be really proficient in writing in English, if I want to get my dream (be a journalist writing stories in English) realized. I knew I would consistently be competing against other native writers. To be in a fair competition with them, I needed to spend extra times reading good phrases and writing more.

For 12 years since my first day spent in the United States, I don’t remember when had I ever been happy with myself.

“Sean, you are too hard on yourself.” This is what I’ve heard too many times from my close allies. 

Being extra hard on myself has been my tactic to keep myself motivated; keep myself war-ready; keep myself be vigilant of spending each of 24 hours given in a day; and keep myself growing in a right direction as writer and reporter. 

In the past few weeks were really hard, and painful. The agricultural solutions story I wrote didn’t get published by a major media publication. It was the story to which I gave my everything. I started to prepare for this story since July. While in 14-day quarantine I made numerous phone calls to set up interviews with government officials and farmers. And fortunately, I was able to hit the road on the first week after the quarantine. 

After I was done with writing the first draft of the story, I edited the story more than 50 times, to make it read better; to make it more information rich; to make it more interesting; to make it more human-centered; and to make it more marketable to big name papers. 

Trying to fine-tune the story by myself, without editors, was damn hard. It was really hard, much harder than I thought. But I felt I was obliged to do this and get the story published to keep the promise I made to farmers and government officials that I would get this story published and let the world know about a successful public program that the Korean government implemented to save thousands of farmers. 

The end result, however, wasn’t what I expected. It was indeed painful to accept the result; and it was indeed really painful to admit my inability to contribute to a big name paper. 

I am still alone, still on my own. And unfortunately, I am still a perfectionist, and a man who’s too hard on himself. I need to let my old self go, I know. And I know I need to forgive what I’ve mistaken to myself in the past, I know. And I know I can’t do it all on my own. I know I can’t forgive myself perfection-ally on my own. To do so, I need You, Father. To let the message from Colossians 3:13 be realized in my inner self right now, at 2:45 a.m. in my Ilsan home on Dec. 16, 2020, I need Your assistance. 

I need to move on, Father. But I admit I am still hung up about my past failures, mistakes and ill-performances. Almost every day, I tend to tell myself — I could’ve done it better had I pulled myself a bit harder at the time. Father, really. I need You to help me forgive myself. 

Please help me move on. Help me move on to a next promised chapter of my life under Your direction. Help me not get too hard on myself. I want to be loosen up as much as I could get. I can’t do it by myself; but with You, I know I can. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 16, 2020

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Mark 9 — Spiritual transformation

It’s 4:32 a.m., 88 minutes until the online morning service begins. 

I have more than an hour to get myself spiritually prepared. I don’t want to again undergo what I was going through yesterday morning. 

Yesterday morning was really odd, and it was something I’d never want to experience again. 

Father, please let me get rested, calm and ready to accept Your words this morning. 

You say through Matthew 5:16 that —“Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in Heaven.” 

Just like that, Father. I want to get as much inspiration and enlightenment as possible from this morning service, and spend this December the 15th to the very fullest — so what I’ll read, write, and brainstorm today would be a good fertilizer for my future professional work, which I dearly hope would serve Your purposes and serve the people You care.

OK, it’s 4:41 a.m. now, Sire. See You in about 75 minutes. 

It’s now 6:31 a.m. On the computer screen stands an ardent pastor listing several ways for me to get transfigured into a spiritually upgraded version of Sean Na. Ways are simple and straight — trust in Him, be transparent before Him, be in a consistent communications with Him however bad or good situation you are in, and don’t hesitate to regret. 

“Regret” your past misdemeanors before Him. That’s what the pastor’s been enthusiastically reiterating over and over.

What sins do I have to confess before Him? To list them would take forever. In fact, I can’t think of any right now, not because I’ve never sinned but because I’ve sinned too many.

The sermon’s based on Mark chapter 9. The chapter narrates how Jesus transforms three of His disciples — who still doubt about Him — into men with unwavering faith.

How should I spend each hour of my life to get myself transformed into someone with who He’s pleased? 

It’ll be a question I will keep asking myself throughout the day. OK. Here it goes. 

It’s now 9:04 p.m. I haven’t found an answer to the question I’ve been asking myself all day long. 

What’d be a pre-condition to realize a spiritual transformation in my life? Would read words from the Bible be suffice? Should I continue writing this daily devotions even after Dec. 31? Maybe that’d help? What about professional component? How could my professional work help myself get transformed into a God-faithful version of Sean Na? 

My professional interest lies on stories driven by the voiceless. Of the stories I wrote on my blog, most of them are based on anecdotes of those socially neglected people. My most recent story also features the voices of farmers primarily. But stories like them aren’t so popular, and their marketability is low among news media. Maybe I should switch to a different professional interest? Maybe me being a bit more affluent than now would render me more resources to serve His purposes? 

A few weeks left until the new year comes. If I may, my Father, I hope and pray You would show me the HOW, the HOW to be better at pleasing You on a daily basis. That’s all. Simple statement. Straightforward inquiry. No biggies. Just a small favor that I am sure You can render onto me before this year 2020 ends. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 15, 2020

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Deuteronomy 8:2-3 — His test assigned to me

Father, 

I woke up at 5:45 a.m. to be on time for the 6 a.m. online church service. But, Father. Somehow. This awkward feeling. A roaring anger. This immense impulse that I just want to be on top of a high mountain and shout out as loud and thundering as I can. Why am I so tense right now, Father? I’ve been trying to calm myself down for almost 40 minutes now, and I am still not calm. 

I’ve just started a new fresh day, Sire. I’ve just been up for less than an hour. For what stupid reason am I this agitated? For what ungodly reason am I feeling this much mental uncomfortableness?

I haven’t felt this much agitation even once in my life. This is odd. Really odd. If You are doing this intentionally to me right now, please know I am not appreciating You for doing this. 

I watched the first four plus minutes of the live morning sermon, and I shut it off. I just couldn’t continue to watch the sermon. What’s gotten into me, Sire? Really. Darn it. 

“You shall remember all the way which the Lord your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord,” Deuteronomy 8:2-3 reads.

Are You freaking enjoying having thrown me into the middle of wilderness? Are You laughing hard while watching me roaming and wandering off in a directionless land in which there’s no entry point nor exit? 

Darn it, Sire. Through Deuteronomy 8:2-3 You’ve acknowledged that You are doing this to humble me, test me and know what’s in my heart. If You are testing how well I could control an impulsive anger and still focus on reading and appreciating Your words, let me be straight with You, Father. I’ve failed You this morning by a landslide. 

What’s this, Lord? What is this? Really, what is this? Why are You letting my weak mentality to fluctuate? Why are You maneuvering my uncontrollable emotion this morning? What are You trying to get out of by testing my mentality, spirituality, and anger control management?? 

Do I sound like I am trying to confront You, Sire? If I do so, please know I have no intention of confronting You. I am just simply asking You, my Good understanding Father.

Why? Freaking why? Darn it. 

Whatever the reason is, while I absolutely am not enjoying this moment, I am sure there’s a reason behind it. I am too stupid to fathom this right away, Father. But I hope I would eventually realize Your intention by the end of today. 

Father, I just have one favor to ask You. Please let me be focused. Let me dedicate the rest of today doing OK work; let me not waste a single hour doing nothing; let me relish as I spend each hour doing work that satisfies both You and me. 

That’s all. I don’t want this hopefully ephemeral state of anger to persist through the day. 

OK, let me take a hot shower right now, Maybe this would help. 

Bye. Ah, and let me not forget to write this.

Amen to You. 

From Sean to Him

Dec. 14, 2020

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Act 16:16-26 — Why to develop habit of praying every day

The entire country is a blink away from the total lockdown. The daily COVID-19 infection cases has topped over 1,000. Going outside to have fun these days is out of norm, now. As the pandemic prolongs there come proliferated number of pubic outcries. Economies continue to sag; more and more small business owners run out of business; young adults who should’ve been busy trekking through a fast-pacing, competitive real world are now isolated in a wall-to-wall room.

Things have gotten even more gloomy as they appear. Vaccines are fast-approaching. The United Kingdom has already begun to vaccinate its people; and the United State will soon follow the suit. South Korean officials have said Koreans would start to get vaccinated as early as late January. 

Eventually, this dark time will be over, I hope and pray. But right now is just too tough, seems out of control. 

As for an aspiring journalist like myself and all other future hopefuls , this gloomy milieu makes it even tougher to stay positive. The year 2020 has indeed been something, “The” something that’d be hard to be forgotten. 

In recent days, I’ve been having trouble writing this devotions. This is meant to be a stress-free writing, a writing without any pressure. I’d been enjoying writing this devotions, really. Soon as I read a today’s verse given from Him, a flood of ideas used to start tickling my fingers, and I immediately was game on. 

Today I watched two separate sermons from the same church. Frankly speaking, I didn’t pay attention to either of the sermons. It’s a shame, I know. As 28 years old, I should’ve been able to pay attention to a 45-minute long sermon streamed online, take a good note of it, and let the contents of sermon be sipped into my inner spiritual depository. 

But I was too distracted, too distracted that I barely remember what each of the sermons was about. 

But one thing that’s fortunately stuck to my inner soul comes from this afternoon (second) sermon based on Act 16:16-26.

I just read the passage from Act, and I honestly still ain’t sure what the passage’s trying to tell. But from the pastor’s point, Act 16:16-26 underscores a vitality of developing a habit of praying and praising Him however dreadful one’s situation is. 

What do I need to pray for? Yes, 90 percent of musics in my iTune playlist are Christian, and I do listen to them every day. So I can check off one of the two items I must be doing whatsoever as Christian. Bust as far as prayer goes, I ain’t sure what to do with this.

Not yet there’s been a good event that’s come to my life; thus I am out of ingredients to send Him a thank-you prayer. I’ve been too restless in recent days that I haven’t really done anything accomplishing. What am I supposed to pray to Him? I am a pro complainer. But I write a daily complaint to Him, every day, through this, what-is-supposed-to-be a gracious devotions in thankfulness of Him. 

My Lord should’ve already been too tired of processing my complaints; so to complaint more through prayer would be a disservice to Him. 

Then, what do I need to pray about? Really, I ain’t sure. 

Well, I guess. Maybe this would do this. Here I go, a completely out-of-sense prayer to Him from Sean Na. 

“Father, it’s now mid December. It’ll soon to be another new year, Sire. I remember on the last day of 2019, during the end-of-year church service, a few minutes prior to the calendar flipping into 2020, I was closing my eyes, trying to pray to You out loud. But I remember I said none to You, I didn’t say a single new year wish to You. Father, I will soon face another new year in about two weeks. I am not asking You to help me finish this 2020 strong, nor am I asking You to bring me something miraculously good to my life before 2020 ends. But, sincerely and wholeheartedly, I want to ask You to help me be able to pray to You; help me be filled with an abundance of materials to pray to You; and help me not be hesitant to closing my eyes and trying every way to get near to Your presence through honest prayer.

That’s all. Really. Only two weeks are left, Sire. In two weeks, I don’t expect to bring any professional success to my way, Sire. Though I will keep pushing and rolling real hard to get the best outcome within my capacity, I’ll feel OK if things wouldn’t pan out as I like to, Sire. However, I want to be transformed into a spiritually more matured Sean Na when Jan. 1, 2021 comes, Sire. Please help me be transformed, Father. I know You can help me do so. .

That’s all I am asking tonight and will be asking for the rest of 2020. 

Thanks for reading this, Father.” 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 13, 2020

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Luke 12:40 — Be ready

It’s 4:46 a.m. 

Several months ago, inspired by a diligent friend of mind, I made a recurring daily schedule. 

According to the schedule, I would get up at 4:30 a.m., read and reflect on His words from 4:45 to 5:30 a.m., do any necessary morning preps between then until 9 a.m.; and after 9:15 a.m. my official working day begins. 

Since mid September, my iPhone has started to vibrate at 4:45 a.m. every day to remind me that I ought to read and appreciate words from the Bible first thing in every morning. 

Frankly speaking, I can’t remember the last time I faithfully spent a day by the daily schedule.

At least twice or three times a week I have gotten up before 4:45 a.m. However, if I am recalling right, since early November, I don’t think I’ve ever been triggered to write devotions to Him first thing in the morning. 

I had a valid excuse. I thought I had to spend as much time to develop myself as writer and reporter. Even before 9 a.m. when no one would answer my interview call, I thought I had to do something work related. 

Yes, I admit my life has been enslaved by my work obsession, a strong desire that I must make a success out of journalism. In fact, the primary reason I’ve started to write this daily devotions was to force myself to develop a habit of writing every day. 

So yes, I am a workaholic, an overly ambitious workaholic. But also, I am “a” least efficient workaholic. 

What have I accomplished since September? What are the visible outcomes I can list out right away? Have I gotten better at writing? Have I become more like a native English writer? What have I done this fall? 

I have a bad habit of trying to do everything on my own. Yes, I have written numerous times to God that I would try seeking helps from Him. But outside the time for devotions, I still see myself trying to do everything on my own, leaving no room for Him to step in and help. 

I’ve also written numerous times to God that my foremost priority is to live to His will. But in real life, I have rarely lived to His will; but rather have lived to my own will, for most times.  

This isn’t healthy, I know. And writing this to admit my faults is not fun. 

Wow, it’s already 5:41 a.m. I almost spent an hour writing this scribble, and I am still not done. This is rare, really rare. 

“You also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect Him,” Luke 12:40 warns Sean Na at 5:43 a.m., in his Ilsan home, on Dec. 12, 2020. 

There’s a Christian song named in Korean — “Songs that gives life.” 

A recurring part of its lyrics goes — “I hope when I see Him again He will call me a good servant.” 

Will He tell me — “Sean, you’ve lived a fulfilling life on earth; and thus I am proud of you.” — when He greets me in heaven? Father, will You? In other words, have my so-far performances to You ever satisfied Your exceptions on me? 

Am I good to You? Have I living a good life under Your definition? Father, today I will help my sister move into her new apartment; then I will have late lunch with Hojae later; then I will spend the rest of today working on my crafts. Would You approve my schedule for today? 

I hope You’d approve it, Sire.

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 12, 2020

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John 8:12 — Seeking the Light of the world

One day in July this year, while I was bicycling around Rossville township along with my American dad, my little eyes spotted an old, shabby-looking house. I was so sure no one would live in that dilapidated house. 

Who would want to live there, I thought to myself. 

But on the backyard of the house I saw a young married couple barbecuing beef patties on a charcoal grill while two naughty kiddos were hugging each of their parents from behind. Lots of laughters over-filled the backyard; and their infectious happy smiles even made me smile.

Just 25 minutes ago I read John 8:12. It reads: “Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, “I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life.” 

Right after having read John 8:12 I wasn’t sure how I wanted to reflect on the verse. This morning at 6 a.m., I published my first solutions story on my blog; I promoted the story on Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin and Instagram, hoping to have as many people to have at least a glimpse on the story. But the so far performance’s been abysmal. Since 6 a.m., only 64 people have seen the story.

When weighing in the amount of efforts and times I’ve invested in this story, having to acknowledge  this story would probably get 100 readerships at best is painful. It’s indeed painful. As writer, and as journalist, it’s really painful to watch a hard-worked story not getting much online traffics. 

I am sorry, Father. I am just really disappointed in myself that I can’t devote my 100 percent to You right now. What’s more anguishing to me is that, Father, what am I supposed to tell all those who’ve spared their precious time to provide information and share heart-felt anecdotes to help me complete the story? In the past five weeks I’ve tried every single way to get this story published via a commercial publication; and my every attempt wasn’t successful.

It’s indeed painful, Father. It’s really painful. 

My surroundings aren’t so bright right now, Father. I wish I wouldn’t complain about the shabby surroundings, just like the happy family I encountered in July; but rather focus on doing what makes me happy, and be incited to laugh, laugh, laugh, and laugh as much as I could. 

Father, I have several lingering stories I haven’t finished yet. Please help me get them finished. I don’t intend any of them to get published by other major newspapers. Every one of them will run on my blog. Even still, I want to get them finished, run each of them on my blog subsequently starting next Monday, and serve yet small pool of subscribers to my journalism.

You’ve told me through John 8:12 that You will not let me walk in the darkness. I believe that, Sire. I really do believe that. Please keep pushing me hard, Father; and don’t ever let me get restless. I need to be on work mode, Lord. I have no time to be wasted. Every minute is so precious to me. Help me grow a better, more proficient person at every hour, Father. I reckon this period is the time in which You’ve intentionally allocated to train me to be more resilient and get more prepared to do a big thing later in future. 

Father, I will keep pushing myself hard, keep rolling, and will avidly await to face the last day of Your intentional training, set only for me. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 11, 2020

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Galatians 6 — Waiting for His due time on me

Just moments ago, the Bible app had me read Galatians 6:2. It says I ought to think of someone going through a tough time. 

How could I think of someone when I myself am not in a condition in which I feel like I don’t have such wriggle room inside me to think about caring of someone in a tougher situation than I am?

It was about 20 minutes ago when I read Galatians 6:2. Twenty minutes later, I still ain’t sure how to expand from the verse.

Today I decided to run my first solutions story on my blog. It isn’t an outcome I wanted to bring in October. But I could no longer wait for various international publications having kept me wait, wait, and wait for their lingering decision. If they still want to reprint the story on their website, I’d say — sure, feel free! If not, still, about 200 to 300 of my blog subscribers would get a chance to read it; and maybe some of them would be inspired to share this, one rare positive story with their friends, and acquaintances. 

Anywho, let it be done with this. I need to move on. Really move on.  

Today was also a lot of work. The work that doesn’t guarantee a brighter future; but it’s still the work that I heart. 

Darn it. I am still not sure how to reflect on Galatians 6:2. Am I this wicked? Am I this narrow-minded that I could not think of someone I need to think of and pray for? 

I just read the entire Galatians chapter 6. On verse 9 reads: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.” 

He’s just told me He will have me reap outcomes had I not grown weary; had I not grown dubious of His promises; had I not forsaken my passion in helpful journalism; had I not stopped soliciting helps and wisdoms from the Scripture; and had I not forgotten that He’ll always be by my side. 

Father, I don’t want to admit this. But, may I be honest with You, dear Sire, I feel like my passion in helpful journalism has gotten slightly rotten, Lord. To write one solutions story requires more work, time and energy compared to writing one good in-depth, explanatory piece. Then, having realized that international publications aren’t so interested in picking up solutions stories that discuss nothing about Samsung or North Korea — which are the primary topics Seoul-based foreign publications cover, Father, I have kind of been discouraged. 

That doesn’t mean I want to stop doing solutions journalism, Father. I still think it matters; and it’s the way to make more people feel appreciative of those who roll 24/7 to report helpful news. 

Father, if I may, I want to politely ask You to imbue me an iron will of continuing in this business, Lord, for at least few more months, or hopefully far more than just several months. 

Thanks for letting me write to You, Father. Thanks. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 10, 2020

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Psalm 126:5 — Those tear will reap with songs of joy

Around 3 p.m., while reading a Facebook post by my beloved mentor Scott Swafford, I scrubbed my eyes several times; scrubbed a few times more, hoping what I was reading was fake news. 

His wife, who’d been battling against COVID-19, passed away on Monday; and he wrote a thank-you post to all those who’ve prayed for his wife and family. 

Just two weeks ago I and Scott met on Zoom to discuss my future and set a date for my master’s defense. At the time I learned his wife just got tested positive for COVID-19; and also learned she, however, was doing OK, breathing OK, and resting well, according to Scott. 

I first met Scott in Aug. 2015. He was my firstline editor at the Columbia Missourian. I, then student reporter who had never published any legitimate news article yet, was assigned to write a day-turn story. A day-turn story means from reporting to writing it should take no more than a day. But, three weeks after the story assignment, I still didn’t get it done. I was worried that I might have made Scott angry; and more worried that he may have lost faith in my reporting. 

I walked into his office; told him that I didn’t get the story done; and told him you could give the story to someone else — if the story was still alive.

“Sean, this is yours,” Scott said. “You are a pro, Sean. Get it done.” 

Along with his professional edit and oftentimes father-like care, from 2015 to 2017, I have published more than 60 stories, eight of which were A-1 centerpiece, and one of which brought me the first-place reporting award in midwest region.  

During our Zoom talk two weeks ago, I told Scott that I am worried that I may have lost confidence in my reporting and writing ability. 

In response, he told me via Zoom — “Sean, your solutions story was damn good. Don’t lose your confidence. Ask me for help, if you need. There’s a reason you have a committee member, me.” 

In fact, this morning I was planning to write Scott an update of my solutions project. But now, I ain’t sure whether I should write him; if I do, what am I supposed to write to him. 

This morning around 4:30ish a.m. I read Psalm 126:5. It reads: “Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.” Since early this morning I’ve spent most of today crystalizing my tentative storyboard; adding more contents on my pending solutions story about homelessness; writing back to a deluge of emails I received from Mississippi, Okinawa, Missouri, London, and Atlanta; and since this late afternoon, I haven’t done anything other than trying to brainstorm a best idea to write a most appropriate letter to Scott. 

Yes, my current situation isn’t so bright. Yes, I am still floundering in the deep, murky water. And yes, I’ve been shedding lots of tears inside being self-disappointed at my ill reporting performance so far. Thus, yes, His message I’ve received from Psalm 126:5 was indeed empowering. I was really inspired to read it early at dawn today. And I hope and pray this message from Him will soon get realized in my life. 

But, before It gets realized in my life, I really, sincerely and wholeheartedly pray that He, the almighty healer, will comfort my beloved Scott Swafford in this difficult time; console him; and take care of his every moment of life. I ain’t sure whether Scott believes in Jesus. Regardless, though, I really, really want to wholeheartedly plead God to be with Scott right now, tomorrow, day after tomorrow, and for rest of his life. 

Please do so, Father. You can forget about my well-being for the next seven or 10 days, Father. Please be with Scott, heal his inner wounds. And let Your almighty love and care be transmitted to him right away.

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 9, 2020

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Romans 12:12 — Be patient and steadfastly pray to Him

“Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing steadfastly in prayer,” Romans 12:12 reads. 

Be patient in tribulation; but also tries rejoicing in hope, He says. Then He adds do so with the help of a continuing, steadfast prayer, with Him.

Father, I’ll be straight with You, today. It may sound too blunt to You; but for Your depth of understanding is so deep that I am sure You’d read my blunt words just OK. 

Father, I am getting impatient. I used to know how to rejoice in hope; but now I’ve forgotten how. Yes, I did pray to You outspokenly yesterday morning; but today, I didn’t pray nor did I attend this morning church service.

I could right now start to pray; and after prayer, I could go to YouTube and watch the recorded sermon from this morning. But, Lord, I kind of need a break from You (while I so well know I shouldn’t, ever).

I received an email this morning from Okinawa, Japan; it was the email I’ve long been waiting to receive. The contents in the email were, however, excruciatingly disappointing. The fact that my candidacy wasn’t even reviewed because I am not a U.S. citizen, gosh, really, double-excruciatingly disappointed me. 

What to do Lord. Really, what to do. 

On a brighter side, though, I was asked to provide my resume to an international news outlet early this afternoon. The news outlet is looking for another editor to help its coverage in Asia Pacific, and it somehow found me and wanted to review my candidacy. Though it wasn’t a straight job offer, it was good enough to sort of soothe down my morning anger. 

Father, I really, really, really wanted that job offered from Okinawa. But You didn’t think the same as I did. Then, really, what’s the work You want me to do, Lord? 

You’ve again reiterated me the importance of steadfast prayer through Romans 12. I haven’t been steadfastly praying to You. Yesterday morning was one of rare a-typicalities. But I do hope and pray that a-typicality would occur in my life more often; hopefully once a week, or ideally once every day. 

Let me ask You, very politely, again. What to do, Father? What to do, really. 

I know You have the answer. If You do, why wouldn’t You just disclose it right away? Unless You are rejoicing Yourself watching me mentally tremble in dismay, why would You leave me astray? I am sure You want me to roll in a right direction. You do, I know. And if You do, why don’t You present it to me, like now. 

There’s an old cliche, Father. It says “patience is a virtue.” Then You’ve told me be “patient in tribulation.” Until when do You want me to be patient? And when would You finally put Your only Sean Na into action? 

Please let me know. I will really and eagerly await for Your timely response. My ears are wide open. If Your throat isn’t in fine condition, You can whisper at me. I will not miss a single whisper from You.

Thanks for reading my another, usual complaint, Father. Really, thanks for Your read and understanding. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 8, 2020

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Luke 19:1-10 — Spiritual rehabilitation

Almost three years ago, around Sunday noon on Feb. 4, 2018, a day before my flight to China where I would take a teaching role at a Beijing international school, the role I would have never thought I would ever take, indeed an ugly crack engraved into my decade-long journalist’s ego, I recited a song at church, weeping and almost bursting in tears at the end. 

Not sure why I got so emotional at the time. The song’s named in Korean — “Don’t be afraid.” 

The song goes — “Don’t be afraid of anything as the Lord who’s your God will keep you safe… even when the stormy wind of the world drives into my life, the Lord will protect me as He’s my formidable fortress and everlasting hope.”

Since 2003, yes since I was a naughty fifth grader. I’ve never imagined myself doing work outside journalism. Taking a teaching role in China, not to expand my journalistic career but to solely get a good-paying job (yes, my short stint in China was when I made the most money in life so far) rendered a big fat scratch on my journalist’s pride.

On that day of me reciting the song at church, I was afraid, really afraid that I might never come back to journalism if I get enticed to making good money every month for doing things to which my heart isn’t geared toward. 

This morning, at 5 a.m., I took a taxi to church to attend probably the last in-person church service in 2020. I arrived a quarter before 6 a.m. I felt good that I got here before the service began (in fact I couldn’t recall when was the last time I ever made to church service on time). 

Then, about a few minutes past 6, this song, the song that I recited three years ago in fear, flooded at me, again. 

While singing it out loud I got emotionally over-flooded; yes I did burst in tears; and yes indeed my throat started to tickle then soar as I kept yelling out the lyrics of the song. 

Right now I feel like I am tip-toeing on the deteriorating edge of cliff.

My first solutions story has yet been published, and it’d probably have to be published on my blog, soon. The other two solutions stories will probably take the same route, as I’ve come to realize every international publication based in Seoul doesn’t take a freelance work. I’ve applied for several full-time reporting opportunities in South Korea; but knowing at least dozens of people badly want that job, I ain’t sure whether I would get it. 

I would really hate to write this; but there’s a likelihood that I would soon have to face the reality and take a non-journalist job to meet my daily ends.

But, not yet. Not quite yet, I thought to myself while entering into church early this morning. 

Inner-surrounded by millions of crashing thoughts about my future prospects, I — when that song started to flood at me — could’t hold on to my emotion, unfortunately. I yelled. I cried. I shouted.  

The sermon this morning was based on Luke 19:1-10, which narrates a famous tale of Zaccheus, a nefarious tax collector. Zaccheus, one of most affluent men in his community and who had a legal authority to sack someone’s properties, climbed up a sycamore tree, a tree whose name’s signified in Hebrew language as rehabilitation, to meet Jesus. Zaccheus, the rich man, wanted to be spiritually rehabilitated by meeting Jesus. He wanted to be cleansed. He wanted to find ways to make his life be beneficial to others, not detrimental, by asking Jesus the How. 

What do I really want? I asked myself during the sermon. Do I essentially want to be rich? Why do I so badly want to get a full-time reporting job in South Korea? How am I so sure that getting a full-time reporting job would help me better serve His purposes? How could I be mind-washed like Zaccheus had for himself in Luke? 

In gist, how on earth could I change to be a person that satisfies Jesus? 

A real conundrum. A unfathomable puzzle that I did try to solve while praying out loud to Him this morning after the sermon. I am still left without a clear cheat sheet to the puzzle. 

Tomorrow I will self embark on a 21-day reporting series that explores how the South Korea’s toughest COVID-19 restrictive measure pans out by chronicling lives of everyday people in different areas of Seoul, every day, for 21 days. 

It could be the last dance I do as reporter. Hopefully not though. Hopefully, this could be a start of my bright-clear journalistic journey in my motherland. 

Father, You have a full control of my life. I am just following Your tail, every day. You know that. Whatever path You’d want to open up before me, I will follow. Whether that’s journalism related or not, I will follow, my Lord. But if I may, I hope and pray that path that You ultimately want me to roll is closely and very intimately related to journalism. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 7, 2020

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Exodus 3:7-10 — Prioritizing on serving those who live on the society’s totem pole

This isn’t how I’ve planned to start this, but I got to do this first before writing any, to You. 

Father, I am distressed. At around noon, You delivered me a-very-inspirational sermon that I thought would compel me to write a lengthy devotions later this evening, which’s now. But my train of thought is out of fuels. My brain says it’s all burned out. It isn’t that I’ve spent every minute of this day for work up until now; I slacked off a lot; garbaged many minutes in between; and even tried snoring while sun was still upright, bright-glaring through the window. But the problem was….not even sure which problem I really need to resolve, Father. While trying to rest in between work, I couldn’t turn myself off from thinking of work. I, while supposed to be at rest, was still anguishing about work.

Can I write a few curse words, Father? I don’t like cursing. Really hate cursing. Curse words make no good, I know. But sometimes, on a very rare occasion, to myself, I have said a few curse words. I know by cursing out loud doesn’t alleviate an Everest of distress my soul’s trying to task out. Darn it. 

I start every morning with a game plan, customized for each different day. Today’s game plan was all spoiled, rotten, and now thrown into a trash bin. 

Father, I really wanted to, really badly wanted to get this story all wrapped up before tonight ends. I sat on my desk starting to first sort out information and quotes I’ve garnered in past two weeks around 2:30ish p.m.

Now about seven hours have passed, and barely anything’s written on a poorly dressed Word document. 

In this state of mentality, I don’t think I can write You an honest note, devotions.

Really, Your words I received through church were beyond inspirational. And I in fact was eagerly waiting for this moment, supposedly after having finished writing up the story, to let You know how inspirational Your message was in “a” most bright-and-clear fashion. 

The message this morning was based on Exodus 3:7-10. Early in the passage says the Lord: “I have surely seen the affliction of My people who are in Egypt, and have given heed to their cry……for I am aware of their sufferings.” 

He’s paid attention to the cry, and is well aware of their sufferings. Good to know. I hope He does that to me, right now, at this very moment, immediately. 

The gist of the message wasn’t however about He hears my cry and will take care of my distress. The gist was that I as Christian should not prioritize on coating my life with layers of materialistic successes — be professional successful, earn a national recognition, be ridiculously rich, and be a role model to those who want to become a ridiculously rich man (or woman) like I am; rather, if I claim to be a Christ-follower, I should prioritize on serving those who live on the society’s totem pole — low-income parents who can’t afford providing suitable education to their beloved kids, a single mother raising a kid who suffers Down syndrome, a middle-aged homeless man whose wife and kids have migrated to Canada 30 years ago and never come back to see him since, and many others suffering a far severe level of distress that I am. 

Father, You’ve told me this morning that You want me to serve less affluent people. Yes, Father. There are still tons of people, in this fast-pacing digital age, that can’t afford getting information they really need. Father, if there’s any way I can use my talents (hopefully in journalism) to help those in need, please let me know. I am not rich, nor am I multi-talented. The sole talent I believe I have is an ability to communicate with whoever and an ability to write a digestible story that less educated people could read. Please use me, Father. Use my talents. You can enslave me and get me rolling 24/7, without a break, if that’d be a way for me to help building up Your kingdom. 

I am ready. I’ve been ready. And I am sort of tired of waiting, Father. Use me, Father. Please. You won’t regret it, I promise. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 6, 2020

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Proverbs 1-4 — Close reading on cliche-like words of wisdom

Though I have yet reviewed over what I’ve written to Him so far, there seems to be a recurring pattern that’s directed a way I write my scribble to Him 

I either thank Him for His overflowing love, ask Him to lend His very wisdom, try resting in His shelter, or again thank for what He’s provided in my life — family, new friendship, church fellowships, etc… 

There was no church service this morning. The Bible app has me read the famous John 1:12 — which basically says whoever believes in Him is entitled to be a child of God. 

It isn’t that I am fed up with me writing a thank-you note to Him every day. It’s just that I feel like I need to take a slight detour from the unconsciously established pattern of me writing devotions, to seek a new insight into my spiritual life, to find more ways to learn about Him, and to build a tighter communicative line between I and He. 

When I was a kid, in almost every Sunday school class, I was told to read, read, and read the Book of Proverbs. I was told every wisdom I need for life is in Proverbs. Read it, consume it, make it to your own, Period. 

Having been a Christian for 26 years, I have yet tried to read the whole Proverbs in full. 

Right now I need literally any helpful wisdom to make myself a better Christian, better writer, better reporter, better son, and better friend. 

I just finished close-reading the first four chapters of Proverbs. 

In chapter 1 I was told — “A man of understanding will acquire wise counsel.” 

While reading chapter 3 I was told — “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding …… (if you do as told) when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet …… for the Lord will be your confidence.” 

Am I understanding? In what specific ways am I trying to be a more understanding Sean Na? What it even means to be a man of understanding? What defines it?  Wise counsel. Whom does it refer to? God? Jesus? Does that mean if I try to put myself into others’ shoes every time I talk to a person other than myself, I would basically be acting like Him? That sounds too easy.

I’ve known for many years that I need to lean not on my own understanding but on His words. I know it too well. And yes, I’ve heard through numerous sermons that by trusting in Him would comfort me in every segment of life and make me be better at toughing out a challenging time in full confidence. But I haven’t given my full trust to Him, yet. Is that “the” why I still do doubt about whether doing journalism is a call from Him to me? If that’s the why, what can I do to acquire the full trust in Him? 

The chapter 4 essentially told me to stay away from evil as farther as possible and anchor my eyes and ears onto Him alone. 

Every sentence I’ve read from chapter 1 through 4 all reads very familiar. Every lesson from the four chapters I knew it, already, too well. I am not sure whether I feel more inspired and enlighten after having read the four chapters. I don’t think I do .But it’s still a good reminder of why I should keep striving to be better at understanding His words and keep striving to establish a firmer base of faith in Him. 

Father, I ain’t sure whether I’ve read Your words right; I tried to do a close reading on Your words tonight, Father. Before starting to read Proverbs I already knew about the contents I would read. I thought by close-reading it would lend me a sharper eye to detect a hidden message from Proverbs. But I didn’t find any. Maybe my level of understanding of Your words is too shallow to identify Your real intention behind all these seemingly cliche-like phrases in Proverbs. 

Father, I want to be better at interpreting Your words, for I know Your wisdom surpasses the rest in the world. Please help me get better at it, so I can better communicate with You on a daily basis. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 5, 2020

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2 Samuel 14:11 — Knowing the Lord is my God

Writing a devotions isn’t meant to be burdensome. It should be done via free writing, a writing without “a” thought. Stress-free writing. Complete relaxation to get away from pressures of having to write an error-free but also information-rich story. Daily cumulative craft that’s so enjoyable to build upon one another. A very 30-minute leeway from journalism. 

Those are how I should feel right now as I am writing this wordy, off-sense scribble. 

But in recent days, I’ve been watching myself spending extra minutes to flush out any wordiness or off-sense from each devotions. I treated each as if I were writing a story for publication. When writing it I was stressed. When writing it I consistently and consciously asked myself how each sentence would read to others. I read each sentence out loud once or twice before writing the next one to make sure it reads OK. 

Not good. Really.

Gosh, I am writing directly to Him. However clumsy this scribble turns out, He would still read and understand it completely. 

I did watch a recorded sermon from this morning and also read a daily verse from the Bible app. 

I would usually write this based on either a sermon or a verse. But somehow, neither has stood out to me nor inspired me. I shouldn’t judge His words nor should I only choose a specific verse I like to read from the Bible. Every word from the Bible counts, I know it. And every word from the Bible is itself inspiring, I know it. 

Maybe this is a spiritual block I am facing right now, as I have faced a writer’s block numerous times in my short journalistic career. 

The morning sermon was based on John 2:1-12, a famous tale that narrates a miracle happening at Cana. And the Bible app had me to read Jeremiah 31:3 — which again reiterates how much He loves Sean Na. 

But. I. Am. Not. Sure. I am not fired up, nor am I moved to write something personal in a very candid fashion. 

Darn it. This isn’t good. Really. Not. Good. 

When I was in college, whenever I was so distressed that I felt I desperately needed a quick getaway, I often just sliced the Bible in half and read a verse my eyes spontaneously spotted, hoping that spontaneously spotted verse would get me anything that’d help revitalize my restless soul. 

OK. Maybe that good ole’ method would do something, helpful, to me. Here I go. 

My eyes just pin-pointed at 2 Samuel 14:11. 

It reads: “Then she said, ‘Please let the king remember the Lord your God, so that the avenger of blood will not continue to destroy, otherwise they will destroy my son.’ And he said, ‘As the Lord lives, not on hair of your son shall fall to the ground.’” 

I don’t know the context of this verse. But reading that by remembering the Lord is my God will stop the destruction and protect me from falling to the ground, if I’ve interpreted it right (likely not, though), just made me feel “okay-err” than 30 minutes ago.

Father. Really. Father. Let me give my everything to You. Have my life. Own it. And please have a full control of my life on earth. Had I been the only one steering my life, my life would have already been lost in the middle of an abandoned seashore. 

In the next few weeks I’ll have to be compelled to decide my future move for 2021. Whatever move I get to make, please be with me and help me make “a” right move, Father. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 4, 2020

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Job 27:1-12 — How He works amid days of struggle

It may sound absurd when I say I am clinging all my hope onto words allegedly spoken by someone who’s physically died thousands years ago; who however claims He’s alive and real; and who’s reiterated, through His Book, me that I got to give my unconditional faith to this invisible man. 

It’s 10:47 p.m. I just finished watching a recorded sermon from this morning and also read a today’s verse from the Bible app. 

The two, coincidentally, discusses the same message — How He works in the days of ongoing struggle. 

The sermon was based on Job 27:1-12, quite a long passage; but every word in the passage rings my bell, rather hard. 

It reads: “Then Job continued his discourse and said, ‘As God lives, who has taken away my right, And the Almighty, who has embittered my soul, For as long as life is in me, And the breath of God is in my nostrils, My lips certainly will not speak unjustly, Nor will my tongue mutter deceit, Far be it from me that I should declare you right; Till I die I will not put away my integrity from me. I hold fast my righteousness and will not let it go. My heart does not reproach any of my days. May my enemy be as the wicked, and my opponent as the unjust. For what is the hope of the godless when he is cut off, when God requires his life? Will God hear his cry when distress comes upon him? Will he take delight in the Almighty? Will he call on God at all times? I will instruct you in the power of God; what is with the Almighty I will not conceal. Behold, all of you have seen it; why then do you act foolishly?’”

“Till I die I will not put away my integrity from me,” instructs Job, an ill man without a single penny and a place to sleep, to those affluents, rich, educated and materialistically far more successful. 

Job, the struggling man, was sharing how He was working in Job’s life in the days of gnawing struggle, hoping the people hearing his stories would realize why they need God even in the midst of trains of successes in life.

During the sermon, the pastor said we ought not to think our belief in Him would eventually bring us something good.

Frankly speaking, I’ve started writing this daily devotions as I sort of hoped and still hope He would bring something miraculously good into my life. A dream job I’ve longed to get; publishing a series of groundbreaking stories; or whatever would satisfy my professional greeds. 

Indeed a crooked motivation I had earlier and still do embrace. 

The pastor, during the sermon, said for six years he was basically jobless; and he admitted that he was jobless because he hadn’t done a ministry in a way God wanted him to do. 

If I may and even dare, Father, I want to politely ask You — if journalism is what You want me to do, what sort of journalism do You want me to do? I believe solutions journalism is a call from You to me. But I haven’t been making any success out of it, yet. Do You want me to do something else? Maybe even outside the journalism field (which I strongly hope not)? 

I know my faith is too shallow to hear His voice. Maybe He would come into my dream and tell me something useful, or not. 

From the Bible app, Isaiah 43:2 says: “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you.” 

Father, I ain’t sure what to ask You for. It’s December 3rd, already. Only 28 more days are left till 2021. If You really will, Father, please help me finish this year strong, and help me bring an acceptable outcome before this year closes out. I believe, really believe You’ve intentionally put me into this cycle of struggle — to teach me how to tough out a difficult situation while firmly holding onto Your words. 

Not sure how to close this devotions. I guess. I will close it with, by thanking You for having me keep swimming in a damp of unprecedented year 2020. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 3, 2020

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Genesis 12:1-3 — Call from Him

Today’s been odd, a little hectic. I just woke up from a three-hour nap. A long, unintended nap. I still sense something invisible keeping pounding on top of my head. 

I wasn’t as busy as some other days; but I felt like I was being chased by something, again, invisible. The morning and afternoon just flew by. Usually I can write a list of things I’ve done for today; but right now, I can’t. 

Obviously, I missed today’s online church service at 6 a.m. I did try to watch the recorded video around 7 p.m., but after having watched it for about five minutes, I, against my will, fell on the bed, started snoring, dreamed something weird, and just woke up. 

Usually before writing a daily devotions, I would think of one episode from my daily life to start. But right now I can’t think of any.

Ah! Darn it. Really. Darn it. I feel like my brain’s abuzz with numerous wang-wang sounds that’ve kept bothering me from focusing on literally anything tonight. I ain’t even sure whether I am writing this in a logical, organized sense. I may just be scribbling on an online notepad. But I hope, really hope He would understand me just for this time and still read my words to Him.

OK. Here it goes. Verses given to me from Him. 

“Now the Lord said to Abram, ‘Go forth from your country, And from your relatives, And from your father’s house, To the land which I will show you; And I will make you a great nation, And I will bless you, And make your name great; And so you shall be blessing; and I will bless those who bless you, And the one who curses you I will curse. And in you all the families of the earth will be blessed,’” Genesis 12:1-3 reads. 

The land which He promised Abram He would show and indeed did show, I wish, He would do the same to Sean Na. 

Father, really. What do You really want from me? You directly asked Abram to give up his own very son to You — to test whether Abram’d be strong enough to be Your very servant. 

Father, through Genesis 12, You’ve told me to go. Where to go, Father? Where do You want me to go, really? If You can’t read my words as they are too far away from Your residence, I am very much wiling to drive to any forest and out-cry to You — if that’d be a way for me to hear Your voice. 

Of course I want to be blessed. I want each day of my life to be blessed. I want to live a blessing life. To do so, I need to be physically and mentally ready to live each day to the fullest. But today, Lord. Today, to me, was spent in garbage. A real, stinky garbage. Had I continued to live like today wouldn’t certainly help me live by Your will and serve Your grandiose purpose. 

Right now I am listening to a song named “Heal Our Land.” 

A part of its lyrics, in English, goes — “Let Your kingdom come and Your will be done in my life.” 

It’s such a soothing song, Lord. But I don’t just want this song help me sooth my anxiety; rather, I want what this lyrics says be realized in my life. 

What to do to get Your will realized in my life, Father? Really, what to do. More specifically, I ask You, how You want me to spend tomorrow?

Please answer.

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 2, 2020

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Romans 10:13-15 — Live life dictated by Holy words

A few weeks ago, my oldest aunt (sister to my mom) visited to share 30 kilograms of homemade kimchi with my family. 

It was indeed a delight to see her first time since 2014, when she visited me in a hospital. 

The most devout Christian among the eight siblings, while chopping up a whole head of kimchi into chewable pieces, she chanted — “Ah, I wish Jesus would come soon and take me into Heaven right now.” 

Then she asked me directly — “Sean, do you know that Jesus is coming to earth very soon?” 

I first laughed at her seemingly very irrational, hollow and unsubstantiated statement, and I said: 

“No, Aunt. No. I don’t want Him to be here today. It’s too soon. There’re stories I ought to write on earth; I am too young to be in Heaven; I have yet unfolded my career here; plus, I want to get married, form a family, raise lovely kids, and be a happy family man not in Heaven but on earth.” 

“Sean, your faith is still shallow,” she responded to my laughters at her. And said: “You could do all these in heaven, you know that right?” 

“Sean, your faith is still shallow.” This simple, declarative words from her kept resonating inside me while listening to this morning’s sermon based on Romans 10:13-15. 

The verses read: “’For whoever will call on the name of the Lord will be saved.’ How then will they call on Him in whom they have not believed? How will they believe in Him whom they have not heard? And how will they hear without a preacher? How will they preach unless they are sent? Just as it is written, ‘How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news of good things!’” 

I’ve written numerous times that my everyday goal is to live by His will. 

Unwavering faith. Unconditional submission. Resilience against worldly temptations. Life dictated by Holy words. Genuine selfishlessness.

All these look-good, gracious phrases, had I had a capacity to absorb them all and make them into my personality, I would have not had a ‘mild’ brawl with my aunt nor had I been still struggling with defining my everyday life as so-called Christian. 

A part of Romans 10 pin-points my lifelong dilemma in dealing with my faith — how on earth can I give my 100 percent faith to whom I haven’t met nor heard? 

Unwavering faith in Him is a prerequisite before starting to undertake on His missions, I know. But I don’t have it yet. 

I believe, I really like to believe, though my faith is still shallow, He’s given me a mission He expects me to work on every day. I like to believe that mission is related to journalism; and I sincerely hope and pray what I’ve been doing since early September does pertain to His purpose. 

“How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news of good things,” Romans 10:15 reads. 

Good news of good things. That’s one of exact definitions of solutions journalism.

Good, helpful news comes from seamless pre-reporting, sharp eyes to pin-point problems, relentless efforts to seek solutions to the problems, and persistence in toughing out an arduous, layers of reporting phases. 

I thought I would be well capable of delivering helpful news to others; but having been trying to do it all by myself in Seoul got me realize I need a help, guidance, someone who’d motivate me to pull it all the way to the end. 

In that regard, I am indeed blessed to know Scott Swafford, Donna Ladd, Carlos Tejada and Anthony Kuhn — who’ve pushed me and trained me to be better at doing solutions journalism in the past three months. 

And far more importantly, I am further blessed to know Him and know how He can influence my life. Because of Him, I’ve been able to stick to my passion; and because of Him, I can plan the next day doing things I am passionate about. 

I will keep pedaling hard, really hard, always with Him. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Dec. 1, 2020

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Romans 8:26-28 — All under His control

Early this morning, around 2 a.m., I learned my best friend Hojae had a serious eye injury from a neighborhood soccer game, and with an injured eye, he was taking a nightshift at a convenience store. 

He and I talked for two hours. Time flew by. With my last attempt to console his frightened soul, the conversation ended well past 4 a.m. 

I needed to be up by 5:45 a.m. to attend an early dawn church service starting at 6. Of course, I slept past the time; and yes, I missed the service. 

It’s now 7:25 p.m. I just finished watching the recorded sermon video from this morning. It isn’t what I’ve promised to Him that I would do every morning for the next three weeks. But I hope He’d pardon me for this time alone. 

“In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God,” Romans 8:26-27 reads. 

Lord, I know I am weak; I know I can fall to the ground at any time, against my will; things aren’t going in favor of me, Lord; the real world isn’t treating me well; every day to me is another, recurring day of a lone battle against my own struggle; I know when I am dismayed I need to seek You through heartfelt prayers; but Lord, I ain’t sure what exactly do I need to pray to you about; Nor am I talent at outspokenly sending my inquiries to Your way; nevertheless, You’ve had me read Romans 8:26-27; and Your words have promised that however vague my prayer’d be, Your Holy Spirit’ll always “intercede” and make sure my vague prayer will get transmitted crystal-clearly to Your inbox. 

Not sure whether I’ve summarized it well; but the above was my gut reaction to the verses. 

During the sermon, the pastor shared an inspiring personal story about his son. A few decades ago, while the pastor was just a poor graduate student in California, the son got infected with a rare virus that could’ve entitled him a permanently disabled status if a proper, timely treatment wasn’t given. The medical cost was exorbitant. No way the pastor could’ve covered his son’s treatment cost by himself. A few times he had a chance to cover the cost had he had a gut to lie to medical personnels. But he chose to be honest. The only thing he could do was to cling his everything onto Him through prayers. 

The pastor was literally on the verge of collapsing; I can’t imagine how I would feel if I learn my own son’d get permanently disabled without a proper treatment. But the Lord responded to his prayers, helped him cover the medical cost, and now, the son is a healthy 31 years old. 

Just two hours ago, I received an email from Anthony Kuhn, a NPR Seoul corespondent. My agricultural solutions story, he wrote, was rejected from an NPR editor in charge of running a agricultural blog. However, Mr. Kuhn also wrote that he will pitch my story to other online editors at NPR and will let me know whether the story’d run on the NPR’s website by tomorrow morning. 

If the NPR ends up not picking the story up, I would have to run the story on my blog. I’ve been trying every way to avoid this scenario, as I really hate to disappoint all those who’ve helped me complete my first solutions story in South Korea. Really, there’s nothing I can do about this story anymore. It is all up to the NPR; and up to Him. 

Plus, in the next few weeks will determine my prospects for the year 2021. It’s indeed a nerve-wracking time. I have two other solutions stories in queue that I need to wrap up; but candidly speaking, thinking of my year 2021 really does distract me from writing fine sentences. 

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose,” Romans 8:28 reads. 

I like to believe all the struggles and brain-squeezes that’ve literally almost engulfed my year 2020 have all been according to His very purpose. He through Romans 8:28 promises that all things will start to click together when “a” right time comes in my life. 

The right time, I really hope and pray, would come soon, hopefully before January. But even if it does not, I won’t be disappointed nor discouraged but would still keep pedaling hard, really hard. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 30, 2020

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Hebrews 10:35-36 — Rewarding endurance

“Therefore, do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward, For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised,” Hebrews 10:35-36 reads.

At 4:17 p.m., inside a train station near the church, I was waiting for a train that’d ship me home. While waiting a message from Yoo arrived. He invited me for another church service, this time as a group. I just had a church service, I thought. Do I need another one? I asked myself inside.

I turned around and ended up walking back to the church.

The last time had I taken two consecutive church services dates back to 2014, when I was a solider and had nothing else to do on Sunday afternoons other than having to be back in the post before 9 p.m.

I just got inside the train, and am finally heading home.

Frankly speaking, I have a story I want to wrap up before tomorrow morning comes. Taking another church service, I thought, would eat up valuable time I could’ve used for something more productive.

But had I not stayed at church up until now, I would’ve not been this inspired and even felt fired up to write this another organic devotions to Him.

Endurance will eventually reap a reward, He promises through Hebrews. I’ve heard numerous sermons that talked about the same message, almost cliche to me. But somehow, this time, I felt something, something indescribable. Not sure how I want to elaborate on this. Really not sure.

I’ve been powering through this unprecedented year of 2020. Almost everything I planned on Jan. 1, 2020 didn’t get realized. A few times had I even thought about switching to a different profession, which’d quickly get me an OK-paying job. But I stuck with journalism and will likely have stuck with it.

Writing a daily devotions to Him every day has certainly helped me endure this challenging time. Along with it, a fairly new, five-month-old friendship with Claire; and a recently formed fellowship with Yoo have empowered me to keep trekking through the rugged life road.

A few days ago, I read a verse from the Bible that says He’s already provided everything I need to fulfill my duties to Him on earth. On top of every resource He’s provided, He’s also helped me connect with Claire and Yoo.

Endurance isn’t so pleasurable word under dictionary. However, if my endurance is being accompanied with Him, then I think I would gladly and vehemently walk through this enduring tunnel.

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 29, 2020

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Numbers 6:24-26 — I am blessed

As a number of COVID-19 infection cases have re-started to surge in recent weeks, and as government pleads people to stay home, my home this morning was resonated with chit-chats and non-stop laughters from my mom, sister and father. 

Usually by Saturday mid morning, most of them would be gone for work or something fun. But the pandemic’s opened up an unusual Saturday family gathering. 

Eavesdropping their happy chit-chats from a few walls away got me think — ‘Ah, I am blessed to live with a happy family.’ 

My mother had been sick for several days; but hearing her laughing and chuckling at my sister’s old-fashioned jokes made me relieved that she is now fully recovered. 

I am blessed to learn today that my mom is no longer sick. 

Then this morning, slightly after 8 a.m., my iPhone delivered me a message from a friend, who’s the sole subscriber to my daily devotions. Through the message, she prays for my mom’s full recovery. Praying for someone whom she’s never met before isn’t easy, I know. Reading that heartwarming message again got me think — ‘I am blessed to have befriended her.’

In the next few weeks I would probably learn a clearer prospect of what I would do in 2021. Whichever job He will have given me, I am ready to game. Whichever path He will have had me to roll, I am ready to roll. Indeed, having known and claimed Him as my lifelong Mentor, I am blessed. 

Right now I am writing another daily devotions to Him. My initial goal was to continue this streak at least until the end of the 2020. Only a month’s left till I realize my initial goal. Because of His support and motivation I’ve received from her, I am only a month away from attaining the initial goal. I am indeed blessed. 

“The Lord bless you, and keep you; the Lord make His face shine on you, and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance on you, and give you peace,” Numbers 6:24-26 reads. 

Father, thanks for happy family, new friendship and professional passion You’ve given me, Lord. I am indeed a blessed 28-year-old. I wish I could come up with better words to more graciously communicate my thanks to You. 

Really, I am blessed. Thank You. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 28, 2020

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Galatians 6:10 — Do good to all people

“So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith,” Galatians 6:10 reads. 

This past Tuesday I willingly participated in a church’s homeless ministry inside the Seoul Train Station. I and about two dozens of church volunteers gathered at 5 p.m., cooked dishes, and hand-made 350 of mixed rice bowls, or cup-babs. 

While handing out a cup-bab to each homeless, I said — “Enjoy your meal, stay warm, and thanks for showing up tonight.” 

CORRECTION: Frankly speaking, I was rather compelled to participate, not willingly participated, and say warm words to homeless — as my primary goal was to do story interviews with at least two of them. And I thought by participating in a church’s homeless ministry would make it easier to do so. 

Crooked motivation, I admit. Really, the rest of church volunteers are regular to serve homeless every Tuesday. They so willingly do so because they want to realize His love, and want to let homeless people know He loves them. 

After the volunteer service, one of the volunteers came and asked me — “Sean, are you going to keep participating in this ministry every week?” 

I said — “Maybe not, I am here just for an experience.” 

Since Wednesday, my mom’s been sick, and thus had to stay home and rest. 

Yesterday morning, she asked me to drive her car to the nursing home and help fix a few blinking ceiling lights. I did her favor. 

Yesterday evening, she asked me to cook something delicious. I fixed her a bowl of Japanese ramen noodles and a kimchi fried rice topped with a slice of Swiss cheese and ground parsley. 

Just now, I’ve just come back from running an errand at a local market to restock our empty kitchen’s shelves on behalf of my mom.

Every time she asked me for a favor, instead of spontaneously saying — yes mom, I will do it right away. I said — “Mom, wait a few minutes, let me think whether I can do that.” 

Sure I could do it right away. But I felt tiresome doing my mom’s favor. It was just doing small favors for a woman who’s invested her entire 20s, 30s and 40s to raise me in love. 

A message from Galatians 6:10 has come to a right time; now I feel reprimanded; and now I know what I need to change in my behavior and personality. 

Father, I’ve said numerous times that I want my life to be spent for serving those in need; but in the past few days, I’ve witnessed myself being reluctant to serving the people in need, even my own mother. Father, please help me build a selfish-less personality; please help me develop a loving personality; and please help me embrace a volunteer spirit. You have all the traits I’ve longed to adopt. I understand it wouldn’t be possible for me to be like You. Nevertheless, if You will, please train me to act at least 0.01 percent like You, Lord. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 27, 2020

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2 Chronicles 20 — Do not fear, go and face it

Yesterday evening, near the Yongsan Train Station, I had a candid, but also heartfelt conversation with a person named Yoo I had met briefly once after the last Sunday’s church service. 

Having barely had any fellowship since my arrival to Seoul in early September, I was just excited to have someone joining me for dinner. I expected I and He would have a casual, man-to-man conversation. 

I expected — No Bible talk; No prayer; No speculative discussion on unfathomable words; and No attempt to bang my spiritual sphere from Yoo. 

The dinner with him went as expected. He shared a flood of inspiring stories that really torched a flaring fire on my mind.

Our dinner talk went for nearly two hours. That was enough, I thought to myself. Now let’s go home and rest, I mumbled inside, silently. But he invited me for after-dinner coffee. 

Frankly speaking, I wanted to politely say no to his invite; but I did not. 

Thinking back, had I said no to his invite, I would have not been inspired to read a whole chapter in the Bible (for the first time in, boy, maybe a decade or more) and “try” embracing the words of God as they appear on the Scripture. 

On the coffee table he suggested me to try attending an online church service at dawn, 6 a.m. 

Then at 6:22 a.m. today, while I was still under the blanket, my iPhone vibrated twice. A message from Yoo arrived with a link to the online service. 

I went bed around 3 a.m. this morning and thus felt like I was still dead tired. But somehow, I opened up the link on the phone; and there appeared a pastor delivering a sermon based on 2 Chronicles chapter 20. 

2 Chronicles chapter 20 narrates an imminent danger Jehoshaphat and his fellow citizens face on the verge of an enemy’s invasion to their land.

At dismay, Jehoshaphat prays to Him in verse 9 through 12 — “Should evil come upon us, the sword, or judgement, or pestilence, or famine, we will stand before this house and before You, and cry to You in our distress, and You will hear and deliver us …… Our eyes are on You.” 

Then, shortly, Lord answers the prayer and says — “Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out to face them, for the Lord is with You.”

While reading it, I first envied Jehoshaphat then tried put myself in his shoes. Jehoshaphat could’ve used this time to farther escape from the enemy; but instead, he “cried” to the Lord in prayer. He sought his Father while in dismay. He gave his whole life to the Father amidst the total chaos. And the Father heard him and responded to his prayer. 

To me, the year 2020 has been a dismay. When one struggle left, there came always another one, and another one, and so on. Non-stop struggle. Having undergone and “tried” powering through a long tunnel of seemingly never-ending struggle, I have become exhausted and, in recent days, become even restless, not knowing how to plan the next day. 

The stark difference in behavior between Sean Na and Jehoshaphat was he “cried” to the Lord; but Sean did not. 

My level of dismay is no where comparable to that of Jehoshaphat. Then really, what haven’t I been crying to Him OUT LOUD? 

Yes, I’ve been writing Him a daily devotions for now almost five months. But, retrospectively speaking, at every end of the devotions, I did write a short prayer to Him; but rarely tried to communicate with Him outspokenly. Nor have I faithfully spent each day to His will. 

I like to whine. Really do. By whining to Him comforts me a little. By writing a long list of complaints to Him delivers me a temporal oblivion of my daily battle against the real world. 

Toward the end of the sermon, the pastor said the messages from 2 Chronicles tells we need to seek a life in which we would be content with what He’s provided to us in life; we ought to give ourselves to Him, just like Jehoshaphat did in 2 Chronicles; and though our lives seem to progress slower than others, we should hold a firm faith that He will eventually take care of our lives — if our faith stands strong in Him. 

Toward the end of the talk with Yoo, he said — “Sean, try embracing the words of God as they appear on the Bible.” 

I did try to embrace the words on 2 Chronicle chapter 20 this morning, and again just an hour ago. But inside me, there still remains a pile of lingering doubts about His genuine presence. 

In knowledge, I know what to do to please Him; but in reality, I don’t do what I know can please Him. 

Father, really. Really, Father. I am again writing You a written prayer. This may sound like me whining to You as usual. But You know, Father. You know my real intent behind whining. 

Father, I ain’t sure what I even need to pray to You about. I’ve lost my chain of thought. But I hope and pray a spontaneous prayer may read more genuine to You. 

Father, You are my everyday shelter, the permanent stronghold, the place where I can be rejuvenated spiritually, the comfy sofa where I can bound back from a seasonal dismay. Father, I want to give my unconditional faith to You. I want my life to be manifested in You. Please help me to do so. Please help me first and foremost seek You whenever I need to vent off. Please help me realize what I’ve so longed to realize in life. In Your power, I know I am beyond capable of doing so. With Your help, I know I can bring numerous goodness to others. 

Father, please help me be better at understanding people of various backgrounds. Help me be more empathetic toward those sick and hurt. And please help me stick to journalism. Help me be better at doing it. And help me become a proficient journalist at delivering helpful stories to others, not for my own glory but for Yours. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 26, 2020

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Psalms 9:1-2 — Sing praise to His name

“I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and exult in You; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High,” Psalms 9:1-2 reads.

Father, today, I am writing a very organic, spontaneous devotions to You while I am riding in a train bound to the Seoul Train Station. Inside a train carrier are ordinary people heading to various destinations to be with their loved ones, do their daily labor, meet friends to enjoy fellowships, or do whatever things they need to do to meet their daily ends.

Father, I hope and pray all these people in this carrier would get to spend the rest of this day in Your care and love.

Father, in about 40 minutes, I will meet a pastor who’s been serving homeless people for more than a decade. The pastor’s capacity to love and care “whoever” in love far exceeds that of mine. I am meeting him for a story interview; however, Father, if You may, please help me absorb the pastor’s loving personality as much as I can.

Father, there are just too many, uncountable number of things I ought to thank You for. If You will, Father, please help me bring an outcome that’ll be worthy of my praise to You, Lord, tonight.

This story, unlike my others, isn’t for professional publication. Nevertheless, I hope to share heartfelt stories of those who serve people in need through my blog.

Father, I like to believe I am content with what You have provided. But, I also don’t want to get settled for what I have acquired and achieved. I believe I have far more things I can do with You. Please help me keep advancing my life toward realizing Your purposes.

Father, really, thanks for everything You’ve done in my life!

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 25, 2020

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Proverbs 12:25 — Power of kind words

“Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up,” Proverbs 12:25 reads. 

Over the spring until early summer of 2020 was when I felt an immense loneliness, anxiety, and discouragement. Nothing seemed to be working in favor of me. I was not only physically restless but also was I spiritually depleted. 

As a person who heart daily fellowship with others and love socializing with friends and “whoever” sharing laughers and good stories with one another, having lived in a three-room apartment alone for almost half a year with rarely no human-to-human interaction really challenged me. 

Still, lots of uncertainties and anxieties surround my daily life. Here in Korea I don’t have as many friends to talk to as I have in states. For most of times a day I work alone, eat alone, and walk outside alone. 

However, there’s a stark difference in my daily spiritual state between the first half of the year 2020 and the second half — I dust off a recurring anxiety and fear, and get myself replenished with daily energy through His words and strengths unconditionally given to me. 

Trust Him. Lean on Him. Cry with Him, if you need. Keep rolling. Be strong in Him. And always be thankful. A brief summary of what I try to keep reminding myself of His messages every day. 

“A kind word cheers it up,” Proverbs 12:25 reads to me this afternoon, a few hours before I take off to Namdaemoon Market to enjoy fellowships with homeless people and lone elderly. 

I am thankful that every day there’s a thing I can do, the thing I love doing. I am also thankful for my American mother and my best friend Hojae who’ve been sparing their precious time to be my heartfelt talking buddy. Also, I am thankful for a friend I’ve met almost five months ago who’s been a catalyst and encouragement of me keeping up with my daily promise to Him.  

I had almost no one whom I could share my daily notes before July. But after I’ve started to fulfill this daily promise to Him, He’s connected me with the people who’ve been helping energize my every day. 

I hope and pray the people to whom I owe my very gratitude are also getting some helpful insights from me; and pray that our good fellowship’d continue. 

Father, thanks for Your words given to cheer me up every day. Because of Your words, I’ve been able to power through this challenging time of my life, Lord. It’s going toward the end of the year 2020. Father, please help me finish this year strong and fruitful. I know I will, because You will always be with me to the very end. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 24, 2020

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1 John 4:19 — Love as He’s loved me

“We love, because He first loved us,” 1 John 4:19. 

A simple, declarative message. A message that reads very basic and easy to consume. But also, to me, it’s not been so easy to do what 1 John 4:19 advises me to do. 

It’s easy to pretend to be a loving person. It’s easy to act like a very understanding man. But to me, it hasn’t been easy to genuinely treat every person I’ve interacted in love. 

Just yesterday, at the Seoul Train Station. About half an hour before I went out to the station square to mingle with homeless people, I wrote a prayer to Him, asking to lend me His ability to empathize and love. 

But I realized I lacked a capacity to be in their shoes. To every homeless person I tried talking to, thinking back, instead of first trying to just be their friend for a few minutes, I went straight to interview questions. Yes, I first greeted each of them; asked them how they are keeping themselves warm and cozy even being outside. But all of my greetings were a set up before going into interview questions. 

I thought I was capable of treating “whoever” in love. But I was not so capable of doing so last night. 

Having exchanged words with hundreds of people from various upbringings and backgrounds as journalist, I once thought I must have now become a semi expert at treating every person, even a felon, in love. 

I misjudged myself; I really did. 

Tomorrow at 5 p.m., I am heading to the Namdaemun Market to join a local homeless ministry. I hope and pray this loving message from 1 John 4:19 will constantly remind me of — first form empathy, fellowship, friendship, and love before going into any sort of business with whoever I meet there. Just as He’s loved me, I ought to express love to them. 

Father, frankly speaking, I am not in a state of mind in which I can so willingly express love to others. I myself am feeling a little lonely and sometimes under the weather. However, Father, a level of loneliness homeless people have suffered for years and years is far beyond than mine. Father, please lend Your ability to empathize, care and love to me tomorrow; in fact, please lend Your very ability to me without a scheduled return day — so I can express Your love to whoever I mingle and befriend with in every day of my life, before I ascend to Your world. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 23, 2020

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Psalms 107:1 — Thanks to You, Father

“Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, For His lovingkindness is everlasting,” Psalms 107:1 reads. 

Father, thanks for this loving and caring message You’ve given me tonight.

Father, I am on a spontaneous reporting mission right now. Before tomorrow morning comes, I want to write a story about how do church communities assist government in efforts to protect the most vulnerable from contracting the corona virus.

I just arrived at the Seoul Train Station, a hub for the majority of Seoul homeless people gather for a free shelter and food. 

It’s 5:10 p.m. The temperature would soon drop to a level in which even a person with full gears of winter jackets would feel chilly. 

Father, please lend Your ability to empathize, understand and transmit love to others to me. Please help me be completely understanding of these homeless people; please help me be extra careful at asking questions to them; and please help me be able to compassionately hear their stories. 

Father, I have nothing set up for this mission. No interview is set up. I am literally throwing eggs against the rock. 

Father, it’s been almost three weeks since I’ve done any sort of field reporting. I am thirst for journalism. I need to quench my thirst. 

This isn’t going to be easy as most homeless people have so long been secluded from the society and thus are very reluctant to sharing their stories with others. 

Father, please lend Your ability to love, care and empathize to me. 

I know You will. Thus, I thank You. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 22, 2020

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3 John 1:2 — Prayer for a friend

“Beloved , I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as you soul prospers,” 3 John 1:2 reads. 

3 John 1:2 says not only I need to pray for myself spiritual well-being but also do I need to pray for the people I care abut for their physical and spiritual well-being in Him as well.

Father, thanks for this opportunity for which I could take time to write a prayer for those who I care about. I have several people in mind. They are the ones for whom I wrote a short prayer in my previous devotions. But this time, I want to dedicate each of my three separate devotions to each of them and, of course, to You. 

Thanks again, Father. Here I go.  

Father, again, thanks for writing this short prayer for my good friend, Claire Kim.

She’s been helping me to keep in a close touch with You for almost five months now. She’s good in Christ, and a hard-working woman who lives each every day of her life by Your will.

Father, frankly speaking, I don’t know so much about challenges or concerns she may have been going through; but I know and believe You do.

Father, she’s recently undergone another COVID-19 testing, and You’ve protected her from contracting the virus. Thank You, Father. Please continue to protect her from any illness, either small or large, so that illness won’t ever dare to distract her from serving Your purposes.

Father, I reckon she may currently be in another self-quarantine period. Father, as I reckon she may be one of most social people I know, please help her not feel down while self-quarantining herself for a week or so, and be with her throughout her quarantine.

Father, as far as I know, she’s been working on a personal project every Sunday morning and early afternoon since this month. However much progress she’s made so far, please help her not feel too hurry in completing the project; and please lend Your every single wisdom to her — so she can give her best to completing the project at the finest.

Father, I regret I can’t think of any other things which I could pray for this good, brilliant friend. Father, this late morning, I sincerely ask You to keep her safe from any illness; keep her daily life be as much fruitful as possible; and help her realize whatever she’s been longing to accomplish when You say it’s the time.

In Your name I pray,

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 21, 2020

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Hebrews 13:5 — Be content with what He’s provided to me

A few days ago I applied for a job that would not only be a good stepping stone for me to step further in my career but also pay me a satisfactory amount of money every month. 

Since Monday, I’ve been preparing a game plan for my next solutions story; and also I am applying for a year-long fellowship with Solutions Journalism Network, which if selected, I would be further developing on my solutions reporting skills, but the pay isn’t good.

In the past two weeks, I have received several job interview offers through Linkedin and other job search platforms to which I rarely pay attention. They were all editorial related jobs. Pays were OK. But I declined them all, in that I was asked to do a commercial editorial, copywriter work, and other brand-marketing related work — for which wouldn’t suit how I want to use my talents. 

Money is hard to reject. I wouldn’t mind being rich. I wouldn’t mind winning a first-place lottery. 

But in my deepest heart, if it’s ever feasible, I want to do a work that isn’t just for financially profiting myself but for helping others to construct a better life, make a better choice in life, and be informed of any helpful public program they could take advantage of. 

I haven’t been successful in realizing my ideal. And, I ain’t sure whether I am even capable of realizing my ideal. That worries me a ton as my age continues to add up. I know there isn’t enough time left for me to “try” realizing my ideal. This thought also worries a ton. 

“Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, ‘I will never desert you, nor will I ever abandon you,’” Hebrews 13:5 reads. 

Not really sure what’d be a proper response to this insightful, thought-provoking words from Him. 

Frankly speaking, I am little worn out. I sometimes feel as if I am lacked the motivation for sticking in doing journalism. 

Really honestly speaking, I often feel envious when seeing my friends making a heck amount of money every month while working for a major company. 

But, I don’t regret that I’ve chosen this profession. I believe He’s wanted me to fly back to South Korea. I believe He’s wanted me to write stories that help people realize some positive sides of their world in this seemingly dark-grey time. 

Money comes and goes; but He stands forever, Hebrews 13:5 tells Sean Na tonight.  

Hebrews 13:5 also says I should be content with what I have and should thank Him for what I currently have. 

Father, I thank You for letting me do solutions journalism in my home country; I thank You for helping me finish reporting and writing my first solutions story all by myself this month; I thank You for having received an email from a mainstream news outlet that it would consider publishing my story though not guaranteed; I thank You for giving me enough resources to be used for my solutions reporting; I thank You for letting me have such supporting and understanding parents who’ve been respecting every choice I’ve made in life so far; I thank You for letting me build a pool of helpful human sources in the last two months; and I thank You for keeping giving me a thing to do and keeping Sean Na busy at doing what He loves doing. 

There are too many other things to thank You, Lord. Really, thanks for everything You’ve done in my life. I will keep rolling in Your directions, Sir. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 20, 2020

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Romans 10:17 — Belief comes from hearing His words

“So belief cometh of hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ,” Romans 10:17 reads. 

I know my belief system is fragile. I admit my faith in Him isn’t anywhere sturdy. And I reckon that’s why I need to consciously compel myself to read and reflect on His words at least once a day. Thankfully, my streak with studying the Words hasn’t stopped since July. Even still, I acknowledge my faith is shallow, too shallow that I still get tempted to do things that go against His will every day. 

Nevertheless, I feel so blessed that friends and family member about whom I deeply care have asked me to pray for them.

Father, my good mother has been struggling with maintaining her nursing home business. There’s a man who once sent his old mother to the nursing home trying every way possible to bother my mom. Though I cannot completely understand why the man is trying to hurt my mom, Father, if you will, please first lend Your love to the man, and please lend Your ability to feel humility to the man — so he may realize what he’s been doing isn’t doing any good to himself nor to his elder mother. Father, my mom’s been going to church every dawn to meet You. Father, I sincerely ask You to hear her concerns; help her be calm; and help her recognize “a” wisest way to resolve this tough situation. 

Father, I also know a good friend of mine, whom I have known for nearly 18 years. This very loving and caring man had spent the last two years studying for a level 7 civil servant exam. But he’s found being a government worker doesn’t suit him. Father, please lend Your very wisdom to him and help him soon find out how he wants to spend his life for Your honor.

Lastly but certainly not least, father, I have another good friend of mine concerning whether she may have contracted to the corona virus. As far as I know, she and her coworkers have gotten a COVID test today and are waiting for the results to come tomorrow. Father, just as you protected her several months ago when she was battling a medium-high fever and body aches, please protect her from any virus and be with her. 

Father, once again, thanks for giving me this opportunity to prayer for the people I love. Sir, if You will, please hear my prayers and help my mom and friends to find peace in You. They are all good Christians and have lived every day of their lives to live by Your will. 

Thanks for listening to my prayer, Father. 

In Your name, I pray.

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 19, 2020

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John 11:25-26 — He asks: “Sean, do you trust me?”

“Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?’” John 11:25-26 reads. 

In complete honesty, I still do have lingering doubts about Him. Embracing this habit of writing devotions every day has certainly helped me take off some of the doubts, but not the whole, unfortunately, yet. 

I am really hesitant to admit this, really. But I think it’s better to be honest before Him. So here it goes. 

One of primary reasons I “try” to believe in Him and “try every conscious effort” to call Him my spiritual Father is to get myself mentally relaxed and prepared to face the challenges in my everyday life. Because the Bible says He will hear my prayers; because it says He is my everyday shelter; because it says He will always listen to my grievances; and because it says He already has prepared a plan for me, every time I think of Him and His promises has temporarily relaxed me, comforted me, and sometimes even motivated me a little. But the relaxation, comfort and motivation I get while thinking of Him have never been permanent. Had I found a permanent comfort in Him, I would have not been struggling with this galling insomnia throughout this year 2020. 

Since 2008, every day, I feel like I am battling against English language. I tend to tell my friends and acquaintances that I feel more comfortable writing in English than in Korean. A total bullshit. No way I’d feel comfortable writing in a foreign language. 

Let me be clear to You, Lord. Father, I do not feel comfortable writing in English. Every time I write in English, I fear whether any part of my sentence would read awkward or be grammatically off. But I have told all the people I know the total opposite, because by saying so would compel me to write more English than Korean. 

While it’s true that I suck at Korean grammar, it’s still my mother language. I was born with it. Yes, my Korean writing is very clumsy. But somehow, whenever I wrote a letter in Korean to someone, I found myself relentlessly writing in Korean without a second thought or hesitation. Though my Korean grammar may have been off, I was confident that this clumsy letter would have still made sense to the person. 

However, English is different, and much more delicately made than Korean (in my short opinion). Thus, just a small grammatical change in a sentence could flip the entire context.  

As a person wanting to write publishable news articles In English, developing a comfortableness in English writing was a must. That’s why I’ve been unwillingly and unconsciously lying to all my friends, families and acquaintances. 

It was tough working in a newsroom in which everything was done in English. It was pressuring having to write a 500- to 800-word story in less than an hour. It was nerve-wracking whenever I participated in a press conference with all other native English speakers. And it was frustrating whenever I couldn’t come up with a sentence as I like to instantly. 

Really, though I loved, have loved and still really love doing journalism, every moment of myself as journalism student and (once) pro journalist was stressful. One of finest ways to get my stress under control, I thought, was to seek Him, even though I didn’t give my complete, unconditional faith to Him.  

It’s very much possible that my past relationship with Him may all be fake, as I pretended to be a firm believer in Him. Maybe I am faking my relationship with Him even now, as one of reasons that I write a daily devotions is to seek comfort in myself in this challenging period of my life. 

He asks me this morning — “Sean, do you trust me?” I really, really want to say yes. A big yes. A loud yes. If doing so would get me permanently comforted, why wouldn’t I? 

Father, I really don’t know what else I need to confess to You this morning. Father, please know I do thank You always; and please acknowledge my everyday effort to live by You will, Lord. 

And Father, if You will, please help me take off every single doubt I may still have about You, Father. It’s been tough to do it on my own. But with Your help, I know I can do this. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 18, 2020

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1 Peter 1:24-25 — His words stand forever

My year 2020 was so wonderfully planned. 

From January to May I would have published at least a dozen of in-depth analyses about pressing policy issues flowing in and out of the Missouri Capitol. In between, from late March to early April, I would have flown first to Brussels then to London, exploring EU headquarters and visiting my good ole’ Daniel Levitt at The Guardian’s newsroom in London. Then in the summer, I would have started a full-time, state government reporting job in Olympia, Washington, covering the heated elections for the rest of 2020. 

None of my wonderfully planned “plan” was realized. 

Thanks to the corona pandemic, most of my reporting since late February was done through phone call and Google search, and my trip to Europe was canceled. Then in late August, the newspaper in Olympia notified me of its ongoing bankruptcy procedure that it wouldn’t be able to hire me anymore.

It may sound like me whining like a kid when considering millions of people “really” struggling in the midst of the pandemic; but to me personally, the year 2020 hasn’t gone wonderfully at all. 

“For ‘ALL FLESH IS LIKE GRASS, AND ALL ITS GLORY IS LIKE THE FLOWER OF GRASS. THE GRASS WITHERS, AND THE FLOWER FALLS OFF, BUT THE WORD OF THE LORD ENDURES FOREVER.’ And this is the word which was preached to you,” 1 Peter 1:24-25 reads. 

He says everything surrounding me is ephemeral — happy moments, fulfilling moments, sorrowful moments, agonizing moments and many other life moments are all temporary. But His words stand forever.

Thinking back, the corona pandemic sort of became a catalyst for strengthening my relationship with Him. The pandemic has driven me to seek Him far more often than ever before. Had the pandemic not come, I would have not developed this habit of writing devotions every day. 

Right now everything looks dim to me. Nothing is set in stone. 

Yes, I’ve been struggling a lot through the year 2020. My level of struggle has been tripled (if not less) since I’ve come back to Seoul.. However, I like to believe I’ve been rather relishing my so-far struggles in South Korea. I believe all these struggles will eventually become an asset for my future service to Him. Really, I do. 

Father, I am worried. I don’t think I can cast all my worries away. But I know and believe You will take care of all my worries after all. Father, however, I don’t want to get settled in Your cares. Father, I want to give my everything to each day of my life. Please render me Your strength and wisdom, Father. I don’t want to disappoint  You. But I want to please You, Lord. All my struggles right now are temporary, and they will soon go away; but Your words will stay with me forever. Thanks for Your everlasting influence over my life, Father. Thank You always. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 17, 2020

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James 5:13 — Honest prayer to Him

Dear Father, 

I’ve walked through an arduous journey. I’ve faced challenges. I’ve undergone struggles. I’ve once plummeted myself into a deep swamp. And I’ve lamented many times before You. But every time, You’ve been with me, looked after me, consoled me, and cheered me up. 

Father, I know prayer is an ultimate weapon I ought to use to defeat the galling challenges surrounding my life. After I get off the bed , before a cereal breakfast, before starting to sip a cup of Americano in mid morning, after having overused my brain in late afternoon, and right before I call it a day — I know I am supposed to be engaged in a talk with You. But I have not. 

Father, You’ve done too much in my life. Every time I feel like I am about to fall into a pitfall, You’ve always pulled me out from it. You’ve rewarded me to have loving and understanding parents; You’ve rewarded me with opportunities that enabled me to study overseas; You’ve rewarded me with unexpected (to me, but well projected to You) job opportunities that’ve trained me to be a better reporter; and You’ve imbued me with a motivation and persistence in continuing in the journalism industry. 

Father, at every time I received an underserved gift from You, though I knew I should have not done it, I did not thank You through prayer. 

Father, last night, I suffered a sudden brain squeeze that ultimately kept me awake until 4 a.m. Even during that period of ephemeral suffering, I didn’t seek You; but sought something else — cans of beer. 

Father, today, You’ve had me read James 5:13 — which reads: “Is anyone among you suffering? Then he must pray. Is anyone cheerful? He is to sing praises.” 

Father, even if I feel like everything is rolling against my plan right now, I believe and know You are working with me. 

Father, just 15 minutes ago, I received another positive email from The Washington Post. The Post has introduced me its Asia editors. Not sure where this positive email would lead me into. I don’t want to overthink; but at least, I want to thank You for having me read one more positive email tonight. Thank You, Father. Really, thank You.

Father, I am considering several options that’d likely determine my future for 2021 and maybe beyond. Father, I know and believe You will have me make “a” wisest decision not for my prosperity but Yours. 

Father, thanks a trillion for letting me have several options to consider.

Father, my mother is having a rough time with her nursing home operation. It’s been indeed an agonizing period for her so far. Please help her reach a wisest solution to get through this rough time; help her be calm; and help her be well under Your very care

And lastly, but certainly not least, Father, I want to thank You for having me befriended a friend who’s agreed to read my plain devotions to You every day. She doesn’t have to read it; but she’s willing to help my faith grow in You. Father, if I am ever allowed, please help her realize what she’s been wanting to achieve in life not jut for herself but for the people she deeply cares about. Thanks for being with her, as always

Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Nov. 16, 2020

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1 Corinthians 13:12 — Bright clear future

One Saturday morning in March in Missouri, loaded with upcoming deadline pressures from the general assembly plus a fast-approaching thesis proposal defense date, I, whose daily routine was almost always commuted between the apartment complex and the press room in the capitol, badly wanted to vent off and unload these invisible but galling piles of heavy stones weighing down on my shoulders. 

“A” best place and way to do so, I thought, was to surround myself with mother natures in a middle of woods, walk miles over miles in a completely serene environment, and not think of anything pertaining to work. 

I drove about 30 miles to the Katy Trail located suburb of downtown Columbia. At the time was when the corona virus started to frighten  even free-soul hikers that the public trail was nearly empty. On the trail that stretches miles over miles, I was one of a few reckless  souls breathing in and out the non-polluted oxygens. 

I walked, walked, and walked for nearly three hours. While walking I thought all my stresses would just fly away. My hope that by the end of the free walk I would be completely refreshed and replenished didn’t get realized. I was still stressed, and filled with concerns.  

Then, last night, I made another almost identical, and thus unsuccessful attempt to free my soul. I took a train to the Seoul Forest; and for about two hours, with a DSLR camera and a reporter’s notebook (not sure why I brought the two items with me, though), I just kept trekking on a cushy dirt road coated with fallen leaves, while trying my very best to not think anything related to work. 

Again, I didn’t feel refreshed after the supposedly very speculative walk. Nor did I feel replenished.  

It’s 3:30 p.m now. I am sipping a sugar-loaded Frappuccino in a local Starbucks near Gongdeok Station. 

I am doing a sort of journalism (personal narrative), and I am writing in a language that often gets my brain fried. But right now I am feeling a lot calmer than I was last night. I feel OK, focused and even relieved. I feel even a little motivated. I feel like I am ready to roll again. 

About three hours ago, at a Seoul church I attended for two weeks in a row, I was introduced to a live message from 1 Corinthians 13:12. 

The verse reads: “For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; not I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.” 

Through the verse, He’s told me that though everything looks so dim and is meant to further frustrate me in this grey time, to His eyes, everything that seems so dim and unclear to me seems bright clear. He knows my future whereabouts. He knows everything that I don’t know. Really, He knows. 

My everyday struggle is ephemeral, He says. And all of my struggle will eventually be a valuable asset that’d fertilize my projected future under His directions, He affirms through the book of 1 Corinthians. 

Father, thanks for Your relieving and empowering message You’ve given me this morning. Not sure what more I could ask You for. You’ve done too much; but You are too selfish-less that You want to give more, to help me be better, to help me grow firmer in You; and to help me become an asset to Your Kingdom. 

Thanks for everything, really, Lord. I will keep rolling. I really will, for I know You will always roll along with me. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 15, 2020

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1 Peter 5:6 — Humble myself

“Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time,” 1 Peter 5:6 reads.

Humble. Was I humble in high school? In college? In newsrooms? And am I being humble to myself, and far more crucially, to Him? 

I am asking these questions to myself; and my honest answer is no to all. 

Frankly speaking, I was darn successful up until college. I was in the top 3 of my high school graduating class; I was one of the top 15 percent of incoming freshmen to the world’s first journalism institute; I had two of most prestigious journalism internships — one with the Associated Press and the other with the Bloomberg News; I won the first place award in in-depth reporting in the U.S.; and I was selected to be a prestigious Pulliam fellow upon college graduation. 

In college, folks around me used to call me “Uncle Na” or “the great journalist.” They often said — “Sean, you’ve married to journalism. You will be successful. Big name papers would be honored to use your talents.” 

At the time, I thought I was darn good at journalism. I thought only bright future is ahead of me. My self ego was at the highest point.

So yes, I wasn’t humble at all. Rather, I was arrogant and acted pompously almost every time. 

Thinking back, all these past successes weren’t my sole achievements. Without Him, I would have not had a chance to expand my horizon in the U.S.; without Him, I would have not been admitted to the Missouri School of Journalism; without Him, I would have not met my beloved journalism mentor — Scott Swafford — who magically turned my very, substandard copies into publishable stories and essentially enabled me to run an award-winning article in 2016; and without Him, I would have not met John D’Anna, John Sadler, David Dishman and many others who willingly spare their precious time to offer tips and edits via Facebook or Zoom call whenever I feel stuck, deep-fried and even appalled. 

Really, any of my previous achievements wasn’t done by myself. They were a product of great teamwork. But at the time, I thought I did it all by myself; and I thought I was ready to get a job at the New York Times. 

I was not ready; and I am still not ready. 

In the past two plus months have helped me be humbled. In college and newsrooms, I had great editors who would help me in every process of reporting from the very scratch. 

But now, I have to do all by myself. It’s been daunting, tiring and sometimes frustrating to do it all on my own. Having realized my new limit almost every day since early September has once frightened me, then frustrated me, and now humbled the once prideful Sean Na. 

Today I am taking a break from journalism. I am not sure how I would want to spend my off day. But, wherever I go today, I will still bring a reporter’s notebook with me, in case I see or hear something newsworthy at random. I hope and pray by the end of today my soul and body would get refreshed and completely replenished.

Father, first and foremost, thanks for everything You’ve done in my life. Father, I want to be humble before You; I want to share my every anxiety, worry and fear with You; if possible, I want my life be surrendered to You. Father, I really thank You for helping me realize my new limit every day since early September. Father, if I may, I want to humbly ask You to work with me and help me break through every new limit I face each every day. I know I can do it if You are with me, Sir. Thanks in advance for Your help. Thank You really. And thank You a trillion times more. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 14, 2020

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Matthew 6:19 — Life that pleases Him

A dim light finally starts to appear through a pitch-dark, seemingly endless tunnel. 

At 4:42 p.m., I received an email from the National Public Radio, or the NPR, showing “some” interests in picking up my solutions story. 

The NPR said it would get back to me next Monday with more specific feedbacks. It at least didn’t decline at first hand, just as what the Times and Journal did so mercilessly today (again) and last week. 

It’s 6:25 p.m. I just sat on one of sparsely arranged chairs in my satellite office. Due to a national mandate that requires everyone to wear a mask anywhere outside effective today, not so many folks are sipping Americano here, quite an unusual scene, but a perfect setting to calm my soul and devote my 100 percent to appreciating His words graciously given to me today. 

“Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon the earth, where moth and rust consume, and where thieves break through and steal,” Matthew 6:19 reads. 

I like the word success. I like the word money. I like to be rich. It’d sure excite me if I get enough pennies to buy a mansion, take a first-class flight whenever I feel propelled, and stay numerous days at a five-star hotel room filled with a countless number of highly over-priced room service orders. 

But, what all of these lavish things do to Him? Would me doing any of these sumptuous acts ever make Him pleased? proud? and happy? 

I’ve chosen journalism, not because I want to be rich, but because I want to spend this only life on earth in a slightly more meaningful fashion. A life that’s invested in serving the people in need, an altruistic life, a life with full of compassions — is what I dream of living each day of my life. However, the reality clashes in. It shakes up my ideal. It challenges me, and discourages me from further pursuing my ideal. 

The last paycheck I received dates back to June. Since then, my bank account has never been fed. I still have enough savings; however, if me pursuing my ideal doesn’t reap any practical outcome soon, there may soon be a time when I have to face the reality, a life that I’ve been so reluctant to embracing. 

I am not sure where I would be and what I would be doing next year. But, I believe He knows. I am just clinging my everything to Him, the one who’s in control of my life. 

Father, please help me keep pushing myself; please help me not get discouraged; and please help me keep rolling. Because of You, I can be where I am; and because of You, I can dream of becoming a faithful servant of You, Lord. 

Father, whichever path You want me to go I will go. Please tell me where to go, Lord. This is my only prayer to You, today. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 13, 2020

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John 8:32 — The truth that sets me free

It’s been more than a week since the last time I kept my promise to Him. When I first started writing a daily devotions in early July, I promised Him that I would start each every morning by reading, appreciating and reflecting on His words; and I promised Him that I would let each day of my life be driven by His daily message to me.  

In the past few days were hectic. A seemingly endless workload tired my soul. Laden with work-related pressures over pressures, I failed to make a conscious effort to spare just 30 minutes each morning to devote myself to Him. No excuse would validate the lazy Sean. It’s my fault. Really my fault. 

“And you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free,” John 8:32 reads. 

Knowing. “The.” Truth. Will. Set. Me. Free. 

This powerful sentence really strikes me this morning. As I was reading John 8:32, I instantly thought of a Christian song I’ve probably listened tens of thousands of times. 

The repeated part of the song goes — “My chains are gone. I shall set free. My God my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy reigns. Amazing love. Amazing grace.” 

Whenever I feel weary, worn out and badly need a spiritual empowerment, I listen to this song. He says I will be set free; He guarantees a flood-like mercy from Him will reign on me and set me free of worries, concerns and wearies stemmed from every bit of worldly pressure jolting me every day. 

It’s the ninth week of my solutions journalism project. The past nine weeks have humbled myself; pin-pointed areas in which I ought to get better at; and helped me realize my limits, the limits that I really hope He would help me to break through. 

The Times, the Post and the Journal haven’t gotten back to me with a decision on whether any of them would pick my story up. No answer from them may suggest my story’s failed to meet their standards again. If that ever happens, though I don’t even want to think about it, I ain’t sure how I would feel; I ain’t sure how I would come up with excuses of why the story doesn’t get published to all those people who willingly sacrificed their precious time to help my reporting. 

I am pressured. Right now I badly want Him to get rid of layers over layers of chains from me — and set me free. 

Father, my good, good Father. Thank You for being an everyday shelter to me; thank You for re-fueling my energy whenever it gets depleted; and thank You for always being on my side. Father, I want to bring a success to my life, the success under not my, but Your definition 

Father, if You will, please let me know which path of life You want me to take and keep plodding through. I am not in control of my life, but You are. You are the only one who can set me free, my Lord. I know You are. And I thank for the fact that You are in control and You will ultimately lead me into a right direction. Thank You a trillion for everything You’ve done and will have done throughout my journey here on earth, Lord. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 12, 2020

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Matthew 18:20 — Christian small group

A few weeks ago, my mom suggested me to try going to a different church whose style of sermon is more geared toward young adults, join a small group there, and strengthen my faith by sharing daily experience with Him within the group. 

I was pessimistic about an idea that going a small group is essential to keep a good faith in Him. I thought I was doing fine, even excellent. Since July, I’ve been reading and reflecting on His words without a skipped day. I thought my faith’s been growing firm with this newly developed daily habit. I even thought I wouldn’t need to go to church Sunday morning, as I am doing my own individual service to Him every day. 

But I was partially right that my faith’s grown slightly firmer ever since; but at the same time, there was something that I couldn’t fill in by myself, something that I could not be satisfied with by just doing my own service to Him every day — Christian fellowship. 

“For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them,” Matthew 18:20 reads. 

Matthew 18:20 says He will always preside over a small group talk about Him; and He will be sitting in the middle of the group blessing each of us. 

This past Sunday I did go to the church my mom suggested me to try. The sermon was one of the most inspiring ones I’ve heard in a few years. On that day, Nov. the eighth, I was inspired to write probably the longest daily devotions to Him since July. When leaving the church building after the service, I saw people to start flocking to their groups. Watching them talking with each other and laughing with each other made me a bit envious, envious that I wish I had people I could share my experience with Him with. 

But at the same time, I am little reluctant to joining a small group. Right now is a critical time of my life; and having to spend almost the entire Sunday at church feels too much to me. 

Father, tonight, I want to ask you to help me soon find a way to rebuild my faith in You. Every day feels like me going into a war zone, Father. I need a rest, a rest provided from You. Please help me stay strong, resilient and firm in faith. Thanks, always, my Father. Really, I do. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 11, 2020

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Hebrews 11:1 — Faith is the assurance of things hoped for

At 9:40 p.m., I intentionally walked as slow and calm as I could to home from my satellite office. Trekking on up- and downhill streets, I hoped this didn’t end. I hoped I could just keep trekking through an endless street. 

Tomorrow morning, at 8 a.m., I am re-summiting the stories. The stories consist of three different versions but discuss the same contexts. One is 2,500 words long; another is 1,500 words long; and the other is 1000 words long. To increase a chance for any of the three stories get picked up, I added information from several internal reports I pestered for and thankfully received from the Ministry of Agriculture, Food and Rural Affairs. 

I did everything I could. Now it’s up to them — The Times, The Post and The Journal — whether they would acknowledge my efforts into the stories, be satisfied with the contents I’ve garnered and carefully assembled, and say yes to publishing my stories on their website. 

8 a.m. is the time the stories will all be sent. It’s been an arduous journey. I hope and pray any of the three versions gets picked up, not for myself, not for making me feel proud about a story of mine getting published on a major news website, but for keeping the promise I made to those who graciously spared their busy time to share personal stories and provide internal information that I would get this story published no matter what.

Sparing times to help me report news don’t bring any financial compensation to them; but they were willing to help me out, as they were excited for the world to learn about how organic farmers in South Korea got through a difficult time amid the corona pandemic. 

I don’t want to disappoint them. I really don’t. But I don’t have a control; the newspapers do. 

Honestly, I am nervous. The stories I will resubmit tomorrow morning are my last attempt. No more tweaks or re-inventing the wheels. 

That was why I didn’t want my trekking to end tonight. I was afraid to get home; and I was afraid for facing the tomorrow. 

But I am home, now; and writing this plain note to Him, my good Father. 

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen,” Hebrews 11:1 reads. 

Wow, just wow. The exact message I’ve badly needed. He’s given to me. The words that really soothes down my anxiety, stress, and fear are what He wants me to embrace tonight. 

Faith is the assurance of things I hope to achieve, He says through Hebrews 11:1. I want my efforts to be paid for. I want not to disappoint the people who’ve helped me complete the story. I want this story to be visible on a commercial news website. 

They are the things I badly hope to happen. However, I must acknowledge that I am not in control; but He is. It is up to Him, really up to Him. And I am now ready to accept whatever outcome He would bring to me by tomorrow. 

Father, really, I want to be humbled before You. Had I acted anyway arrogantly to You in recent weeks, please forgive me. Father, I’ve given my everything to this project. If it’s OK to ask You, please help this story get published, not for myself, but for others who I am sure would not feel fatigue but feel merrier when reading a story that discusses a positive event happening in South Korea. 

You are in control, my Father. Thanks for being in control of my life, really. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 10, 2020

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Isaiah 60:3 — Come to His light

I am tired. Honestly, I don’t think I could write one legitimately OK sentence. My brain aches. But I must keep up with this habit.

When I was teaching English writing to kids and adult students, I oftentimes had my students do a free writing. It means write without thinking; in other words, write as your instinct tells you to write.

So here I go. My first free writing to Him. Excuse me in advance if you happen to not understand what I am writing about; but hopefully, He does however bad my writing turns out to be shortly. 

Isaiah 60:3 says I ought to project light of His through my life; I ought to let others see His lights projected from my everyday behavior; in other words, I ought to live a life that helps people see His presence through my life. 

That’s a difficult thing to do. Honestly speaking, I don’t think I am capable of letting others to experience His goodness and light through me. I thought I could do so by writing good stories meant to benefit others; I thought I could do so had I become a fine altruist spending each day to write stories for others’, not my, sake. 

Every day since September, I see myself brain-squeezing, struggling with my own writing, struggling with cutting out sentences from a sea of wordy paragraphs, being self disappointed in my own capacity, and fearing that I may not be able to render an outcome that He and I both want to bring. 

I want my life to be a light to others. I am sure everyone else does the same. How on earth could I be a light to others? How on earth could my life be beneficial to others. A constant dilemma. Maybe an unfathomable conundrum for which I cannot find an answer. Maybe He can. That I hope He can. So He can provide me an answer of how I can project His light from my everyday life to others. 

Not sure what I am writing about right now. I hope He still understands my poorly written note to Him. 

Father, I don’t think I’ve ever been this stressed in recent years. But I pray this stress and headaches are a sign from You. The sign that You want me to step over to become a better version of Sean Na; to become more resilient to worldly challenges; and to become slightly more capable of serving Your purposes. Father, my good, good Father. The One I can always lean on. The only One I can call my ultimate shelter, my permanent stronghold. Father, I am sure You are wide-opening Your ears to hear my prayer, or more likely a petty complaint. Father, please help me get through this. Honestly, I am overwhelmed by a load of work I need to by this week. I am overwhelmed by the expectations from the people whom I’ve interviewed and who are anxiously waiting to read my stories. Father, I’ve never felt this overwhelmed in my life. My shoulders feel like laden with tons, tons of heavy stones. 

Thanks for listening to my complaint, Father. And please have a good night; and please help me sleep well, as well. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 9, 2020

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Matthew 28:19 — Spreads His words to the world ; Joel 3:14-21 — Everyday shelter, permanent stronghold

I was inspired by a morning sermon from a church I attended for the first time. 

Then, I got again inspired by the words that my beloved Bible app and He provide just now. 

Both are too inspirational not to reflect through words. So here you go. For the first time (and hopefully more in future), reflections on two separate but also inseparable messages from Him. 

“Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit,” Matthew 28:19 reads, provided by the Bible app through His command. 

As I was reading this verse, I immediately thought of a friend with whom I’ve been sharing this reflection and who’s been tolerating reading my too-plain words to Him. 

Matthew 28:19 says to build a stronger faith in Him and to get better prepared, both spiritually and professionally, to serve His purposes, I need to be blunt about my faith to Him and share my faith with people I deeply care about. 

I’ve been posting my daily devotions on my WordPress blog. But hardly anyone has visited the devotions page but myself. As a writer who writes stories hoping more and more people would read and be helped, knowing that at least one person would read my ill devotions every day has been what motivates me to read, appreciate and write based on His truly inspirational words. 

I just thank my friend who’s been helping me build a closer relationship with Him. 

Then this morning, I was introduced to the sermon based on Joel 3:14-21. 

Among several core messages that the passage discusses, one message that underscores Him being “the” everyday shelter and ultimately my everlasting stronghold immensely flared my heart. 

Frankly speaking, I’ve been starting every each day in fear and anxieties. Since September, I’ve been trying every single way I could possibly think of to tune up my lack of writing skills — by reading whatever writing-related books whenever I get times to spare in a train, an elevator, or even a bathroom; by copying down some of brilliant writers’ stories on a white paper almost every morning; and by asking my journalist friends in the United States to rip off my poorly written drafts. 

But, while doing all these, I constantly ask myself — “I should’ve developed this habit way earlier.” Thinking of all those past times that I’ve wasted in vain, even right now, I feel ghastly sorry to myself. I even sometimes want to punch my self in directly to my face, hoping it’d bring some physical pain so I can be, even for moments, oblivious of gnawing about my past, wasted times.

I have a goal. The goal that I haven’t achieved and I ain’t sure whether that’s even attainable. Every day, I am shooting for stepping an inch closer to realizing that goal. Miles over miles are ahead of me before the finish line. Sometimes, I suffer mental anguish stemmed from unforeseeable future of myself.  

A part of Joel 3:14-21 tells me it’s OK to cry; it’s OK to weep; it’s OK to flounder in a deep swamp; it’s really OK to do all these, because there’s a shelter readily available whenever I need — my Father, the Savior, and lifelong Friend, Teacher, and Counselor. 

It’s true. This time of a day when I am writing plainly to Him has been likely the only time I get my soul rested, calm, and set in peace. 

He is also the stronghold, undrainable energy tank that never goes depleted. In His power, I am already sufficiently empowered to conquer every challenging I am confronting in life. 

Really, because of Him, I can be in control of my life. And, it’s OK to suffer mental breakdowns. It’s OK to be temporarily discouraged. It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to tremble. I have Him, who provides an everyday shelter for my soul to get rested. 

Thanks, Father. Really, thank You, for Your messages that’ve replenished Sean Na with energies I could not get elsewhere. 

Thank You, Sir. And thank You trillion times more. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 8, 2020

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Hebrews 11:6 — He rewards those who seek Him

This morning I received a decline letter from a New York Times Asia editor. The reasons for his decline are — the story isn’t clear of its core message; too many quotes from government officials instead of real farmers; 2000 words are too much for an enterprise story, it should’ve been boiled down to under 1000 words; and most importantly, my experience is too short to write for the Times. 

I was not satisfied reading the email; but at the same time I was thankful that he detailed reasons for his decline, tipping ways for me to develop on. 

Maybe I was being too ambitious for myself; and thus overestimated my capability in reporting as a foreign correspondent. But, this decline letter came a motivation to me; I want to take this as a stepping stone. At least, this is how I like to believe is what He wants me to do with the letter. 

“And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him,” Hebrews 11:6 reads. 

I did give Him a short prayer before I sent the story to the NYT editor. I prayed — “Father, whatever outcome You’d bring to me I will humbly accept it.” 

I want to claim that I am a firm believer in Christ. But, inside me is still a lingering doubt about His presence. Hebrews 11:6 says don’t ever doubt about Him; it says if I don’t give 100 percent faith to Him, He won’t reward me any even though He badly wants to. 

I spent this entire afternoon by teaching myself how to plan and execute to write a feature story with the help of the thought-provoking book — the Arts of Feature Writing by the Wall Street Journal. 

I am worried. I am worried that I may have overestimated myself that I am yet on the level of doing an independent journalism; I am worried that my reporting and writing skills are yet compatible to those of many writers pitching their well-reported crafts to major news outlets.

Nevertheless, I am not discouraged. I want to believe I can do this. I want to believe that I can get this agriculture story and my next police story published not on my blog but on a professional news website. 

I will get it done. I won’t ask for a free reward from Him. I will demonstrate my capability before Him. I can do this. I know I can. And I pray He does the same. 

Father, I won’t ask You any favor tonight, in that You’ve done too much for me already. But, if I may, Father, please help me stay resilient, persistent and goal-oriented so that I won’t get discouraged but keep pushing myself forward until I attain the goals You’ve set for me. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 7, 2020

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1 John 4:15 — Acknowledging God is real

“If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God,” 1 John 4:15 reads 

I am tired. Really, worn out. But, I am also relieved. Relieved from a month-long pressure. The pressure that I’ve been grappling with. 

My first solutions story has officially been sent to The New York Times editors. It’s now up to them gauging the publishablity of the story.

I wish it gets published. Even if it doesn’t get published, I shouldn’t get discouraged. I could always publish it on my blog to let the world read it. 

1 John 4:15 says if I do acknowledge that He is the Son of God, His presence will influence inside me. 

Whether I bring a success out of this story, to which I’ve given my everything, is up to Him. 

My mental state isn’t fine enough to devote to His words right now. My brain is too tangled up that I am not even sure what I am writing to Him right now. 

Hopefully He understands and forgives my incapacity of truly appreciating His words tonight. 

Father, again, I leave everything up to You, Lord. Whatever outcome I would face in the next few days is, I believe, what You decided to bring to me. 

Please help me keep rolling, Father. I have two more solutions stories that I believe ought to be published to serve people around the world

My sincere apologies for not being able to expand my reflections on Your true words, Father. 

Nevertheless, please know I do thank You 24/7. And please know Your words given to me every day is what has been empowering me in this challenging time of my life. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 6, 2020

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Habakkuk 2:14 — His glory is everywhere

“For the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord, as the waters cover the sea,” Habakkuk 2:14 reads. 

Frankly speaking, my brain’s too fried that I don’t think I can give 100 percent of devotions to Him right now. But this habit must continue. 

So here it goes. 

As per request, I finished adding final touches to my 2000-word story today. It will be sent to editors of the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Wall Street Journal, and the NPR.

If any of the four papers picks up the story, wow, I can’t even imagine how I would feel. But it’s very much possible that none of them would pick it up and I would have to self-publish it on my blog, disappointing the Korean agriculture ministry, local government offices, and farmers whom I promised I would get this story published somewhere other than my blog. 

I’ve given all my best to this story, I think. I don’t think I could do any more to fine-tune this. If this doesn’t get picked up, then that proves my incapability of writing a feature, solutions-oriented story. 

I read today’s verse early this morning, around 4:30ish a.m. The verse tells me that it’s impossible not to personally experience His glory as His glory is everywhere in my life. It all comes down to my efforts in seeking His glory. If I don’t seek, then no glory realized in my life. 

Honestly, I want to ask Him to render me His every glory tomorrow; I want to ask Him to let me glorify Him by getting my story published in a mainstream media; and I want to ask Him to use every power of His to make editors feel like they ought to publish my story on their website. 

But, it’s all up to Him. Even if I don’t get this published, I will have to admit it that, as that will have had to be done by His will. 

Father, I will leave everything to You. I will not get disappointed if a thing doesn’t turn out as I hope. Nor will I be depressed because of that. Father, whatever outcome I would get by tomorrow or this weekend, please help me stick to my passion; help me keep rolling; and help me, please help me keep rolling so I can be a minimal help to realize Your kingdom on earth. 

Amen. 

From Sean to Him

Nov. 5, 2020

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Hebrews 13:8 — His unchanging characteristic

My so-far life can’t be well described without my nomadic characteristic. 

Since 2008, I’ve been schooled and worked in Indiana, Pennsylvania, Missouri, Arizona, Washington D.C., New York, China, and of course, South Korea. 

Beside China, at every other place I was schooled and worked, I was shooting for one goal — learning and practicing better journalism. 

It’s both good and bad. It’s good that I’ve been consistently working toward realizing my lifetime goal. But, it’s also bad that I’ve been absurdly stubborn, inflexible, and exclusive when it comes to considering adopting other professions. 

Whenever I needed to move to a different place, my first priority was to measure how much I could grow as journalist had I moved to this or that place. Having decided to come back to South Korea this September took me weeks over weeks of doing numerous calculus on whether I could get neared to realizing my goal while doing independent journalism in Seoul. 

My so-far journey with this good-ole’ journalism has been lots of ups and downs. Journalism has made me feel proud, accomplished; but it also has discouraged and depressed me that I was once tempted to leave journalism. 

However, whenever I trembled, He, my good Father and lifelong Mentor, was there to listen to my complaints, empathize my grievances, and replenish me with His very fuels to keep my wheels running. 

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever,” Hebrews 13:8 reads. 

Yes, Hebrews 13:8 speaks the truth. My so-far life has been filled with changes — change in place of living, level of faith in Him, life motivations, and so fourth. But, He hasn’t changed, and will never change His stance on me. Hebrews 13:8 affirms. 

His stance that He will always watch over me and help me find ways to serve His purposes, knowing this, and acknowledging this is really, and really the best mental shelter I could ask for.

Father, thanks for Your assurance that You will always be with me however fluctuating my faith toward You is. Thank You, and I hope and pray that I could bring some outcomes by next week to make You feel proud that Sean Na’s done something to serve others You also care deeply about. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 4, 2020

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Ephesians 4:32 — Act and think as He would

A few days ago, my sister asked me — “Seonghyeon (my Korean name), who do you think will be elected as the next U.S. president, Donald Trump or Joe Biden?” 

I said I couldn’t tell. Then, she started listing millions of reasons why she believed Joe Biden would be elected. Many of her reasons were based on a few news sources. While she was arguing her points that I couldn’t agree, I was super tempted to interrupt her and point out why her points were misled. It was hard listening to an argument that I didn’t agree, or was so sure that argument ought to be wrong based on my “rationales.” 

In fact, I did interrupt her a few times, and did indeed try to make her buy my points of arguments. 

I thought I was semi-mastered at listening. I thought I was capable of respecting counter-viewpoints. I thought I was a respectful listener. But the episode with my sister proves I am not. 

“Be kind to one another. Tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you,” Ephesians 4:32 reads. 

He’s told me, through Ephesians 4:32, that I need to embrace counter views, respect them, and try to understand why someone is bringing up a viewpoint against my view — if I want to be tender-hearted and compassionate like He is. 

Father, I want to act like You, talk like You, and think like You. I don’t want to impersonate You. That’d be a crime. And that’d be me faking others. Rather, I want to embrace Your characteristics, if not the whole, at least 0.01 percent of yours. Sometimes (or maybe more often than I thought I’ve), I see myself trying to force others to believe what I believe. That’s not how You would treat others. 

Father, I know I am intrinsically apt to heart my views far more than others’. I do see myself being annoyed at listening to arguments that are critically against to my morale. 

Father, tonight, I accept my weaknesses and admit my incapability of being like You. Even still, I pray that You would help me at least make every conscious effort to treat others with most respects I could give; and help me become a better listener. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 3, 2020

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Romans 12:2 — Spiritual renewal

There’s a memory that I’ve been still bound by. The memory that’s too vivid to forget, the unforgettable that I thought I was freed from, but ain’t. 

Around 3 p.m., on Aug. 28, under a dried but red-hot weather, in a middle of a seemingly abandoned state road in New Mexico, one of four tires of my Chevrolet Spark got stuck in a sizable dent on the road; the car was flipped and rolled over to a right shoulder of the road. The car was wrecked. And I was frightened, terrified. 

I was on my way from Arizona to my next destination to do professional reporting work. But that accident got me emotional. It terribly lowered my enthusiasm to continue to work in the states. It brought me a terrible home sickness. 

I did spend another four weeks in the states, but ended up flying back to South Korea on Sept. 25.  

A day after I’d arrived to South Korea, on Sept. 27, I received three, very promising job interview requests —one of which was a data reporting position (one I’d take without a second hesitation) from Cincinnati Inquirer.  

Had I not made such a hasty, emotional decision to fly back; had I been more rational; had I been more resilient; had I been more careful. 

These thoughts have consistently been bothering me ever since, even today. I try not to be; but I do get regretful of the choice I made three years ago. My life could’ve been much better had I not flown back that hastily, I still do think like that from time to time. 

I recalled this unpleasant memory after having read the words He’s given me this evening. It comes from Romans 12:2, which reads: “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” 

First, I am not sure how to react to this. In fact, I’ve been too conformed to this world that I oftentimes get oblivious of abundance of opportunities He’s been rendering me to get myself renewed, transformed into a better Sean Na who isn’t bound by the past but is forward-looking, an anxious Christ-centered goal seeker, an iron-willed marathoner who never stops running until he passes the finish line, and a straightforward follower of Jesus. 

It’d be hard to completely cast away that memory three years ago. It would be brought to my inner soul again. 

But, the past three years of my life wasn’t all spent in vain. Since 2017 I had opportunities to get my foot into various industries including education and counseling; learned which industry I am suitable for and which aren’t; found an area in journalism that I want to invest my life for; and am spending every day to be better at doing what I heart to do. 

Father, please help me not look back but forward; help me not to suffer emotional anguish from the past memories, Lord; and please help me focus on this day, this hour, to get myself better at serving You, Lord. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 2, 2020

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Romans 1:20 — His invisible attributes to my life

“For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse,” Romans 1:20 reads.

Doubts. Uncertainties. Unaccounted fear. But invisible hope, an intrinsic sense that things’d eventually pan out, though still in full of doubts, uncertainties and fears, is what’s been driving my daily life, especially this year 2020. 

Last night, while talking to my American mother, a master listener, I said — “Mom, I ain’t sure whether I could make a living out of writing; but at the same time, I am so sure that I wouldn’t enjoy a life that isn’t involved with me doing journalism.” 

A veteran editor from Solutions Journalism Network has expressed a serious interest in having me in her team. She wants me to report solutions stories for her audiences in Mississippi. Plus, the network may offer me a grant to have me do more freelance-based solutions journalism work for the first half of 2021. 

It may be a great opportunity; but it isn’t a regular job. Nothing’s guaranteed after that. Had I known what would follow after, boy, that would be fantastic, really fantastic that I would’ve not been having this unaccounted headache pinching my soul at every hour.

Then this early morning, while I am still on my bed with a cushy blanket keeping my lower body warm and humid, He’s told me that I should have already and well known of His plan on me, though invisible; and that I should have not been doubtful of His plan ever as the plan is meant to be executed in my life through “His eternal power and divine nature.” 

I, frankly speaking, want to be employed by the New York Times, or the Washington Post. I, honestly speaking, want to keep publishing stories that reach out to tens of thousands of people around the world. I, candidly speaking, want to become an award-winning journalist. To achieve all these worldly desires, I need to write for a major publication.

But, maybe He thinks differently than I do. I don’t know. I really don’t know why He’s kept me in this deep swamp of doubts and uncertainties. Honestly, I don’t appreciate of Him hiding His “grandiose” plan to me. I wish I’d find a way to learn His intention. Ah, this isn’t a good feel. 

Nevertheless, I am Your follower, my good Father. You are my stronghold, the most comfortable shelter, and the most effective powerhouse. I believe You have a plan on me. Yes, it’d be great if You could concretely present Your plan to me. But, even if You would not, that’s OK. I believe what I’ve chosen to do — solutions journalism — is what You want me to invest my life for. 

Father, I will keep rolling to serve Your will. Please help me keep rolling; and please keep me away from even a bit of discouragement that’d be stemmed from my everyday doubt about the future. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Nov. 1, 2020

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Romans 3:25 — Reason He sacrifices life for Sean Na

“Whom God displayed publicly as a propitiation in His blood through faith. This was to demonstrate His righteousness, because in the forbearance of God He passed over the sins previously committed,” Romans 3:25 reads. 

The sacrifice that He didn’t have to make, but did so to pull me out of worldly swamp, a deadly pitfall, a place into which once I get plummeted I would never be able to get out. 

Jesus could’ve lived a fair, comfortable life. In fact, when being hung on the cross, He cried out to His Father while feeling an unfathomable level of pain. He knew how painful it would be. He knew years prior to His foreseen execution. And He was willing to put His life forward to God, to let me live this day, and to give me a chance to live 0.0001 percent like Him on earth. 

Last night, I learned a song titled in Korean — “The Most Precious Story in the World.” 

The song narrates a story of a King and a Prince. The King’s worried about hatreds and jealousness sprouting rapidly among His people. The only way to wipe away the hatreds and jealousness from the people was to kill His only Prince, His only Son. The Son, Prince, said he would sacrifice his life to save the people, to help the people live a better life, to teach the people why to love each other, and to help the people realize why the Prince had to sacrifice his life. 

The Prince eventually got killed by the people. After his death, the people finally realized their Prince volunteered to get killed to save them from a swamp of hatred. The people were once thankful of their Prince; but they soon forgot about their Prince’s sacrifice and went back to how they used to live. 

I repeatedly listened to the song over and over again last night. Almost an hour flew by while listening it. I felt sorry. I knew I’ve been acting like the people described in the song. I knew I should’ve been behaving better before Him. 

Every day, I am fighting my own battle, a battle against my greeds, or more specifically a duel between my worldly will to succeed and my well-perceived duty to His will. 

Winning the duel is tough. I can’t win it on my own. I need help. I need to borrow weapons from Him so I can claim a “W” from the duel. 

The message from Romans 3:25 strikes me this morning. The amount of blood He shed is unmeasurable. Compared to what He’s done for me, have I given Him a proper return? I don’t want to answer this question yet, not until I will have done something I believe would make Him pleased. 

Today is the last day of October. Only 61 days are left until the new year. It’s my final two months before I reach the age of 30 (according to the Korean calculation of age). I want to spend this time in a most meaningful and fruitful way by His definition. To do so, again, I need Him; I need His help; and I need His every single wisdom and strength. 

Father, You know a path I should go. You know what I need to accomplish today, tomorrow, and for rest of my life. You know my future. You know all, You do. 

Father, please help me embrace a 0.00001 percent of Your wisdom. I am not asking much from You, really. I just need a little bit of Your strength. With just a little bit of Yours, I know I could be far better prepared to serve Your will. 

So please. Please. And please thousands more times. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 31, 2020

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Philippians 4:13 — Strengths given from Him to Sean Na

“I can do all this through Him who gives me strength,” Philippians 4:13 reads.

I reckon this may be one of the most popular, self-motivating verses that whoever in the midst of challenging time would Google it and seek to get comforts by reading it. 

I didn’t Google for it, though. It came to me, through His will. 

I was burned out past 10 p.m. last night. I intended to do some additional work at least for another few hours after 10. But I felt pain on my brain. My brain was hurt; it implored me to suspend torturing it until the next day. 

I find writing a very intriguing work. Whenever I publish a story or blog post for someone to enjoy reading, I feel a mere sense of accomplishment, though that feeling rarely rendered me any profits. Then, I also find writing a very stressful, pressing work, especially when I write in a language that requires a double amount of brain work. English is one of most delicate languages to write. It was daunting for me to write in English in college, in newsrooms, and at an international school in China in which I was supposedly the best writer there (I was in charge of the writing program there). And still, I find it very daunting to write in English.

Two days ago, I revisited the great Element of Styles by E.B. White, a bible for every writer, hoping that my lack of writing skills got somehow miraculously leveled up to a pro. My hope didn’t get realized, of course. 

Before I flew back to Seoul, in early September, I brainstormed a list of solutions story ideas. I had five at the time. I thought I could turn all the five ideas into stories by December in South Korea. And right now, I haven’t published any. Well, I do have one pending story that’s about to be published. I think I’ve done a darn fine job. It’s also over 2000-word story, with several photos. Even still, the bottomline is — I haven’t officially published any. 

He says I can do all this through the power given from Him to me. I don’t know. I really don’t know whether I’ve accepted His power, yet. 

Last night, around 11 p.m., I went to a convenience store to get myself a bottle of beer. I was going to drink it before bed to nurture my tired soul and cramped brain. But I ended up not drinking it, because I feared that drinking it would mass up my next day. 

I know I am jumbling a lot this morning. Nevertheless, I hope He would hear my grievances here. I hope and pray He would empathize my inner and outer struggles. And I pray He would empower me as much as He could. 

Lord, my good Father. I always thank You. You know that, don’t You? And I also know You’ve been helping me in every aspect of my life. It’s just that I have rarely acknowledged Your help. Lord, my compassionate Father. As what You say through Philippians 4:13, please help me do all things You want me to do; and please use me to realize Your Kingdom, my good Lord. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 30, 2020

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Psalms 27:1 — Don’t be afraid

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread?” Psalms 27:1 reads. 

About two years ago, on a Sunday morning in early February, a few days before I departed to China to start a non-journalistic job I was reluctant to taking, I stood in front of a small congregation at church and recited a hymn. 

The hymn was titled in Korean — “Don’t be afraid.” 

I was afraid. I was afraid that this choice I made would get me away from journalism, forever. I was afraid that I may have made a wrong choice for my life. I was afraid, really, afraid. 

A part of the song goes — “Even though my heart suffers even if the dreaded, the Lord protects me; Even when a storm of the world is blowing hard, the Lord protects me.”  

While singing that part, I remember I was murmuring, or more like weep-murmuring. Me singing out loud that He protects me however hardship I am to go through got me really emotional. 

The Bible app, after having me read today’s verse, always provides a reflection question with three answer choices. This morning, it asked me — “What’s something you are afraid of?” with three answer choices: death, terrorism, or poverty. 

I wasn’t afraid of any of them. Thus I provided my own. I wrote — “The next month. I am afraid of what’s coming the next month.” 

Yes, I am afraid of the next month. I am afraid of Sean Na the next month. What would I be doing next month?; how much of work would I get it done by next month?; how much of improvement would my writing skill be made by next month? Would any of my stories be recognized by next month? 

Numerous doubts about unforeseeable future have really bothered me in recent weeks. I am afraid of what the future holds for me.

Then, this morning, He’s told me don’t be. Fear not, as He’s the defense of my life; and fear not the seemingly pitch-dark tunnel, as He will light the tunnel so I can pass it through at ease. 

Father, I first want to thank You for helping me read and be empowered by Your words, again, this morning. Father, please help me not get afraid of tomorrow, day after tomorrow and beyond. And Please help me know that I shouldn’t be afraid of anything because You’ll always be here to protect me, Lord. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 29, 2020

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Luke 6:35 — Prerequisite to become son of the Most High

I just sat on one of sporadically arranged chairs in my so-called satellite office. I hear lots of random chitchats from folks surrounding me. Here isn’t a quiet place. I would usually be advised to write devotions to Him in a dead-quiet setting, a place in which every minute of my self can be devoted to thanking, praising and learning His doctrines of living. 

Before I departed to here, I read the words He’s given me today. It’s Luke 6:35 — which reads: “But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men.” 

From my comfy home to here is about 20-minute trip by walk. During that 20-minute walk, I tried to speculate on Luke 6:35 — Who are the enemies I used to hate and should start to love now? What can I do to provide goodness to others without expecting anything in return? Would what I think I am passionate of help me become one of the “sons of the Most High”? Am I treating others with most respect and humility? In a narrowed scope, am I treating my closest people (families, friends, etc…) with respect and humility they deserve to get from me? 

I couldn’t give a definite answer to any of these speculations. 

In about six hours I am scheduled to interview a journalist from Chicago. In about 14 hours I am scheduled to interview another journalist from Mississippi. The two interviews are to complete my master’s thesis. I need to interview at least seven more journalists after them. The deadline for the thesis defense is approaching in about five weeks. I am not so confident I will get it done. On top of that, I do have stories I need to work on for professional publications, as well. Oh, I wish Sean Na can be replicated into several bodies. 

Yes, I am little overwhelmed. Maybe that’s why I can’t answer to any of the above speculations. 

I ask myself — what’d be a prerequisite to get me prepared to serve others? A loving heart? An ability to listen well? Empathy? What else? 

I am still trying to get through this long tunnel of abundant challenges on my own. Without me accepting Him wholeheartedly, without me acknowledging His empowerment is the prerequisite to my success, without acknowledging my weaknesses before Him, I wouldn’t be ready to love and serve others as much as I should have. 

Father, this afternoon I pray that You’ll help me recognize my weaknesses; help me be humble before You; and help me put every single effort to become a faithful servant to You, Lord. And more importantly, Father, please help me be devoted to You, at least when I am reading Your words; please help me get less distracted when trying to adapt Your wisdom; and please help me be honest and straightforward in my writing to You. 

That’s all I am praying to You, Father. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 28, 2020

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Proverbs 1:7 — Fear of the Lord

Around 9:30 p.m., after having wrapped up my work for today, I was ‘bout to head home from a subway station. From the station to home is about a mile. I had had only a cup of smoothie and a bag of mixed nuts. I needed something to fuel me up so I could walk home with some energy. Right adjacent to the station was a newly built Burger King franchise that I had never visited, yet. Right on, I thought to myself; went in the store, and devoured a whole shrimp burger set in a few minutes. While eating, I would usually be watching an entertaining video on YouTube or reading some literatures. Instead, I opened up my beloved Bible app, and read what I should’ve read this morning. 

His words given to me for today. 

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; Fools despise wisdom and instruction,” Proverbs 1:7 reads. 

I read, read, and read the verse again and again while eating. For about 20 minutes I was plodding through the darkness to home, I kept thinking of Proverbs 1:7; how should I consume it?; what could I learn from it?; how could I better myself with this verse? 

“Fools despise wisdom and instruction,” a part of the verse says. The fools who knowingly not absorb wisdom and instruction from Him. One of the fools was Sean Na; and maybe he still is. 

My life has never been so attached to His words until July, when I’ve started this daily habit of writing devotions to Him. Before July, for years and years, I rarely had a look on His words. I thought myself was the best idea bank; and thought no one knew Sean Na better than I. A completely foolish, short-sighted, and immature thought. 

I wish I’ve realized this a way sooner; but I finally do realize why I should attach my life to Him. Why it’s so vital to do so. 

Daily work is stressful. Though I do heart journalism, writing words for publication is a pressing work. I do get stressed while writing stories. In the past, I used to de-stress myself with the help of beers, cigarettes, entertaining videos, sports highlights, and etc. But doing so didn’t calm me; didn’t give me a rest; and didn’t get me ready to jump back to work. And the stress persisted and didn’t wane, ever. 

But right now. After having spent hours and hours writing two separate stories, one for academia and one for publication, and after having stocked up piles of stress inside me, I feel like I am truly relaxing myself while writing this to Him. 

My brain was deep-fried just an hour ago. But now it feels OK, un-fried. Maybe that’s how I like to believe it does. Anyway, still, I feel not stressed. And that’s all it matters now. 

Father, tonight, I pray that You will keep me in fear of You; keep me inside Your influence; and keep me in Your knowledge — so that I won’t repeat the foolish acts I committed in the past. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 27, 2020

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Matthew 6:33 — Set my life on serving Him

“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you,” Matthew 6:33. 

Matthew 6:33 says whatever I strive to achieve through however arduous efforts, if I put serving Him as my top priority, I will be provided with everything I need to achieve for what I strive.

It’s 10:05 p.m. Question to myself — Did I ever seek Him today? More specifically, have I ever thought of Him, sought His wisdom, asked Him for help, at any moment of today? 

No, I did not. I just got home after hours over hours of me doing a thing I want to get it complete, largely for myself, with (frankly speaking) a little emphasis on serving His purpose. 

I want to be successful financially, professionally and personally. I do have greeds. Though I’ve said numerous times my lifetime goal is to serve Him. If serving Him means me being thrown out on the streets begging for pennies, I would be left with no motivation to sacrifice my life for His kingdom. 

What am I talking about? I just did write a paragraph that I shouldn’t say in front Him. Maybe what I just wrote describes a real Sean Na behind his veil. I hope not. I hope I am better than that. 

Matthew 6:33 affirms that all things will start to click together only if my life is set on serving Him. I didn’t set my today on Him. This isn’t good. And I should fix that. 

Things seem to be clicking together, however. All the things I hope would get mixed well are getting mixed well. I am getting more positive that my story will get published soon. My brain is getting more accustomed to producing finer sentences. My eyes are getting more quicker at detecting errors in my paragraphs. My professional self is progressing. But my spiritual self is yet slow to progress. 

Father, tonight, I pray, again, that my life will be prioritized on serving You, alone. I am not asking You to help me live my entire life to Your will. At least, I pray that You’d help me live to Your will tomorrow, then the next day, and the next day following. 

Father, really. I thank You for what You have done for me since the day one I arrived to South Korea. I thank You immensely. That’s all for today. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 26, 2020

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Proverbs 11:25 — What it means to be generous Christian

“The generous man will be prosperous, And he who waters will himself be watered,” Proverbs 11:25 reads. 

Generosity. Words from Him this morning provide various definitions of Christian generosity. It isn’t just being financially generous, not being hesitant to give monies to church for good. It’s being willing to spare a certain amount of time every day to devote to Him; and honing my talents to my best effort and dedicating them to glorify Him, as well. Overall, generosity, to His definition, I believe, is how much I am willing to invest my whole life to glorify and serve Him, in every aspect of my life. 

He says generosity will help me invest my life in what matters; help me recognize what He wants me to do; and help me get freed from worldly concerns, like those related to finance, career, pleasure, etc. 

It’s 4:36 a.m. Since July, right now, this moment I am writing to Him has become one of my most relaxed, calm, laid-back time of a day. I’ve begun to write daily devotions mainly because I just wanted to develop a habit of writing every day. And writing to Him every day, as my self claiming an OK Christian, sounded like a legitimate reason for me to have to write every day. 

I very much hope and wish (I think being redundant in expression is fair in this context) my newly developed habit has helped me be more generous of dedicating a certain amount of my time to Him, every day, with absolutely no excuse for skipping a day. 

And I also very much hope and wish by writing to Him every day has helped me be more discreet of how I choose to spend every precious hour of my life.

I still do find myself too-much vulnerable to garbaging too-much times of a day. I’ve gotten slightly immune to the vulnerability in recent weeks. But a far more progress ought to be made. 

Father, every day, I struggle to realize how You want me to spend this day. Father, I do get often tempted to not want to write to You. Father, I’ve sometimes thought I could’ve used this time of doing devotions for something more professional. Father, I don’t think I’ve met the standard of Your generosity. I am too far behind to meet Your standard. 

Nevertheless, Father, I do eager to become a servant dedicated to providing services to You. 

Father, to achieve my eagerness I need Your help. Without You, I am nothing. With You, I can be something, something You can utilize to realize Your kingdom. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 25, 2020

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Proverbs 6:16-19 — Seven things He hates to forgive

“There are six things which the Lord hates, Yes, seven which are an abomination to Him; Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, And hands that shed innocent blood, A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that run rapidly to evil, A false witness who utters lies, And one who spreads strife among brothers,” Proverbs 6:16-19 reads. 

He, through words by Solomon, says when it comes to “any” relationship with people I interact, I shouldn’t look down on them; I shouldn’t lie to them; I shouldn’t hurt them; I shouldn’t trick them; I shouldn’t take them to a place He hates; I shouldn’t exacerbate while sharing an episode with them; and I shouldn’t treat them with neglects. 

It’s 5:01 a.m. Another dead-quiet morning, a perfect time to reflect on my past behaviors to the people who kindly tolerated my ill, poor, neglectful manners. 

The seven things listed in Proverbs 6:16-19 are the behaviors that He, the man I thought would forgive even the most atrocious sin, hates, hates, and hates to forgive. 

I don’t think I am guilt-free from any of the seven. 

When I was in college, I used to feel superior whenever someone came to me for any journalistic advice; or whenever I hung out with someone younger than I was. I should’ve treated them as an adult, someone at least equivalent to me  (or maybe more intellectual, more matured than I am). But I did not. 

To count a number of lies I’ve committed so far would take forever. Really, wow. This, I can’t even pick one single episode of me making “an” egregious lie. I’ve lied too many times, too many. 

One thing I badly regret of my behavior about 16 years ago was when I said a word (I should never say as a son) to my mother, who at the time mistakenly stepped on my paper plane. I said — “Mom, I will curse you forever.” Wow, I mean. Really. I should’ve never said such thing to anyone, even to a person whom I hold a grudge against. And I’ve done that to my mother. Nuff said. 

I am not even half way down, and am already feeling lots of guilts. 

What is surreal, however, is that even though I’ve wronged Him countless times, and even though I’ve committed countless wrongdoings He really hates to forgive, He’s forgiven me every time; has helped me be where I am; and has always encouraged me to live to His will, even though I’ve failed Him tons. 

Father, this morning, I first do want to apologize, really apologize for countless wrongdoings I’ve done against Your will and thus disappointed You exponentially. Father, I pray that you’ll help me bring every conscious effort to not do things You hate. Please train me to think before act. Please train me to treat every person with utmost respect and humility. And please train me to act at least 0.1 percent like You, Lord. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 24, 2020

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Mark 8:35 — Surrendering my life to Him

This very early morning, around 2 a.m., while I was in bed trying my very best to snore, three, consecutive vibrations from my iPhone awoke me. It was messages I didn’t expect to get. They were from a higher-up editor at Solutions Journalism Network, expressing an interest in picking up my agriculture story and possibly teaming me up with journalists under the network for future solutions stories. 

After having read the messages via Twitter, I was like, wow, another wow, and triple wows. I was excited. I finally felt like numerous parts to the puzzle are eventually starting to click together. At that moment I immediately thought of Him. I thought to myself, or more likely yelled inside — ‘Ah, He is eventually about to react to my everyday prayer!’ 

Images of successful and accomplished solutions journalist Sean Na kept popping up in my imaginary world. It was already past 2:30 a.m. But I wasn’t tired. I felt like I needed to get up and do something productive rather. 

Today was also a productive day. Various parts of story are getting together well. Most accuracy checks are finished. Photos are ready. And the story, to my eyes, reads OK, smoother; and no parts of story seem to repeat each other.

Just half an hour ago, I, my mom and sister were laughing hard at just random stories coming from nowhere. It’s been 20 minutes since I’ve sat on the desk. My soul was still not calm but mildly hyped up when I was reading the words He’s given me today. I had to sit quietly for a few minutes. I think I am calmer now. I think I am ready to absorb His words into my life. 

“For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it,” Mark 8:35 reads. 

This verse rather strikes me hard. The essence from Mark 8:35 is that my life should be centered on serving His purpose; and whoever lives for his or her own good would not please Him at all. 

This early morning, when I was being so excited after having read unexpected messages from the network, thinking back, I was all about thinking of successful, accomplished, and award-winning Sean Na the journalist. Yes, I did think of Him and thank Him a little. But I was excited mainly for a success I could bring to my life if I push myself harder rather than a better chance I could use to give my life to Him. 

I may bring zero success by this or next month after all. I wasn’t humble before Him this early morning. I’ve prayed numerous times that my sole life goal is to serve Him, nothing else; but in reality, I saw myself putting aside my prayer to Him before my personal greeds. 

Thus I thank Him for giving me Mark 8:35 this evening. This is a pinching reminder that everything I have accomplished and will have accomplished has been and will have been possible because of Him, no one else. 

Father, tonight I really, really pray that a goal I’ve set for myself is the same goal You want me to achieve, Lord. And please, Lord, help me stay humble before You; and help me always orient every part of my life to serving Your purpose, not mine, and meeting Your standards, not mine. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 23, 2020

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Psalm 119:114 — Hope in His words

About 10 years ago, on October 2010, right after I took a SAT exam, I felt devastated. I felt as if I floundered on the exam. It was the last exam before I started to apply for college. If I didn’t meet a certain score threshold, I wouldn’t be able to go to a school I so wanted. I was hopeless at the time. But He wasn’t. He helped me score the exact threshold and got me into the school.

About four years ago, on May 23, 2016, two days before I had to fly to Washington D.C. to take a summer internship program administered by my school, I was devastated because I hadn’t secure a summer job, yet. I thought no way I could find a summer job in D.C. in a day or two. I felt like a loser. Then, around 4 p.m., I received a call from Arlington, Virginia. It was the call from an editor at Bloomberg News that I just got hired as an editorial intern. Once again, I was hopeless at the time, but He was not. 

Hope is such a vague word that I’ve tried not to be so fond of. I’ve never been a big fan of hanging myself on an imaginary hope. But, thinking back, whenever I was hopeless and felt like the world is coming to an end, He always lifted me out of despair and reinvigorated me with hope. 

“You are my hiding place and my shield; I wait for Your word,” Psalm 119:114 reads. 

It’s 4:40 a.m. now. Another dead-quiet morning. I, in fact, was anxiously waiting for my phone to thunder at 4 a.m. Last night I went to bed around 1 a.m. From 1 a.m. to 4 a.m., I had never been in sleep. I was in bed, under the blanket, with both of my eyes closed. But I was awake. Millions of thoughts hanging in my brain kept me awake. But I knew I needed to rest for at least a couple of hours so I could get the daily jobs done this morning, afternoon and night. So I forced myself to stay in bed, take a deep, in-and-out breath as many times as I could, count backwards from 99, and do numerous other fruitless efforts to get my body rested up. 

It’s now 4:46 a.m. I am so awake. I didn’t feel like I was resting from 1 a.m. to 4 a.m. During that time was rather me battling against my chronic insomnia. But now, at this moment of me writing this note to Him, I am feeling calm, rested and focused. 

Plus, today’s verse is very, much, greatly, “hopeful.” 

Father, I am weak before You. Because of You I can become competent. Because of You I can be hopeful. Because of You I can set a goal I so want to achieve not for myself but for Your glory. And because of You I can have this, great, so-restful time of self-meditation and reflection on Your hopeful words. 

Father, really, I ain’t sure what other words I should’ve written here to properly describe my feeling toward You right now. I wish my English were better. I wish I could meticulously delineate how I feel right now in Korean, even. 

Father, really. Thanks for being with me this morning; thanks for comforting my soul this morning; and thanks for filling my heart with lots of hope this morning through Your words. 

Really, I do thank You. Really do. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 22, 2020

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2 John 1:6 — Walk in love, just like He does

“And this is love, that we walk according to His commandments. This is the commandment, just as you have heard from the beginning, that you should walk in it,” 2 John 1:6 reads. 

Love. This verse says to love others is what He commands me to do so. It says I am, in a most formal language, ordained to treat others in love just as He’s treated me since the day one of my life. No jealousy. No hatred. No selfishness. But compassion, humility, and love. 

The language love, to me, is one of most narrowly-used words that I need to take precaution of overusing it. To me, I would want to use the word love only to someone I am deeply affected by. My mom, dad, future wife and kids are, I think, probably the only group of people I would feel comfortable to saying — “I love you.” 

But 2 John 1:6 says the language love is universal, indicating that the followers of Jesus shouldn’t be hesitant about using and expressing it to someone. 

The love of God toward Sean Na has set him free, released him from the bondage of the past, healed the past wounds that could’ve been plaguing his everyday life still, and most importantly, hinted him how he could walk in love, just like He does all the time. 

To walk in love like Him, I need to follow His commands. To follow His commands, I need to attach my life to His words. To attach my life to His words, I need to consistently remind myself of empowerment, encouragement, undeserved grace, and numerous other freebies that He’s given me throughout my life and thus need to live each day of my life to return Him a favor. 

And to return Him a favor would mean I live each day to His will, which I haven’t figured out how, yet. 

Father, today, at 5:36 p.m., I want to politely ask You to show me how I can live my life to Your will. Really, Father, I hope a way I’ve chosen to steer my life is how You would steer Sean Na toward Your will. Thank You for everything You’ve done in my life, Lord. Really, I do. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 21, 2020

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2 Chronicles 7:14 — His everyday invitation for me to repent and get healed

“And My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, will forgive their sin and will heal their land,” 2 Chronicles 7:14 reads. 

The above verse says He issues an invitation for me to humble myself before Him and repent every day. Whether to accept the invitation is my conscious choice. 

In the past 140 plus days, I’ve been reading His words, reflecting on them, applying them to my life, trying to better myself by developing a habit of stepping closer to Him every day. 

Has my life been bettered ever since I’ve been writing words to Him on a daily basis? Has my life been transformed in a way that pleases both Sean Na and Him? Has my way of spending each day become more organized, constructive and productive? And more importantly, has I also developed a habit of wanting to communicate with Him, beside a time for writing a devotion, at any moment of a day? 

Not sure whether any of them has been fulfilled. Maybe He knows the answer to that. I am not content of my so-far performance, for sure. I could’ve done better. Yes, I could’ve done better, really. 

It’s 9:40 p.m. I have never procrastinated doing a devotion until this late. To write bluntly of why I couldn’t do this earlier today would just me making absurd excuses. Have I spent today in a most organized and productive way? The answer to that is a firm no. 

Maybe that’s why He’s given me 2 Chronicles 7:14 today, to alert me, reprimand me, and remind me of the cruciality of placing my life closest to Him as much as I can. 

Maybe I should close my eyes for at least few minutes, “implore” Him for forgiveness, “thank” Him for His everyday invitation for me to repent and get healed, and politely “ask” Him to help me spend the rest of tonight, tomorrow and beyond to His will. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 20, 2020

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Psalms 23:3 — Where to seek comfort in challenging time

Right below my chin sits a half worn-out Bible on the desk. It’s at least 11 years old as I befriended it during a high school Bible class in 2009. Over the course of 11 years, I’ve taken really poor care of it. Somehow, I’ve developed a habit of bending it in full strength whenever I pray. It’s been bent countless times; thanks to my habit, what-used-to-be beautiful, glossy brown cover is now half torn-out.

This poor Bible has always accompanied me wherever I go. I carried it to school class, airplane, flooded village, state court, maximum security prison, the Korean General Assembly and numerous other places I’ve gotten my feet wet and dirty.

Somehow, and for unaccounted reason, I didn’t feel secured if I didn’t bring my shabby Bible with me whenever I took apart for what-would-be arduous reporting journey. I never bothered opening it up, though. I just put it inside my backpack and never let it breathe outside. 

Even still, knowing there’s a faithful Bible right behind my back, somehow, comforted me.

It’s 5:09 a.m. now. Another dead-silent morning. For the first time, instead of writing today’s verse off the Bible mobile app, today I am letting my good old friend do its duty. 

“He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake,” Psalms 23:3 reads via my American Standard Bible. 

Through Psalms 23:3, He is telling me that He will, not would, bring comfort to my life whenever I feel weary, overwhelmed, rejected and abandoned.

My stomach’s been upset for almost a week now. It usually gets upset whenever I don’t find comfort to myself; whenever I get weary and stressed; and whenever I feel anxious for no reason.

I hope it goes away soon. I believe it would, oh my bad, will go away soon. Because He says so it will. I am sure my brother-like Bible will help soothe down my boiling stomach. 

This morning I want to first thank my good Bible for having always been with me, wherever I’ve crawled and sprinted. And I pray I will soon find comfort He’s assured me He will give; and pray I will walk through this challenging time with Him, and with my Bible, crawl by crawl, no sprinting, until I get to the finish line. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 19, 2020

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Romans 15:5 — Pursuing unity

“Now may God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus,” Romans 15:5 reads.

Unity is what this verse says I ought to pursue in life. My work would pursue to bring people into unity. No troubles. No chasms. But always the harmony. 

Impossible was my gut reaction when I was finished reading this verse. Thinking of my chosen profession and my previous experiences of how the people of various backgrounds, perspectives and upbringings reacted differently to stories I’d published, I was certain it would be not-at-all feasible to pursue unity, bring people together through my everyday work, had I chosen to stick with journalism. 

I paused, sat back and thought about Romans 15:5. What does He really want to tell me this morning? I thought to myself. After having speculated on it while in a perfectly comfortable position (thanks to my cushy, 19-year-old bed), at 5:34 a.m., in this dead-silent morning in which I feel like I could even hear air particles whispering to each other, I realize I was short-sighted. 

The work done through Him has always been meant to bring the people together, close out the heated arguments and reconcile them. None of stories I published in the past made everyone happy; nor stories I will publish hereafter would do the reverse at any chance.

But, it’s not about whether my work will make people think the same, act the same, and believe the same. That’s not possible at all; even He wouldn’t be able to do so. Rather, it’s how much of His image would each of my story reflect. Not that my stories would be centered on discussing His words while talking politics or grueling social debates; but it’s rather whether each of my stories gets written with honesty, no fluffiness, balance, integrity and numerous other ethical, professional and humane considerations I ought to honor as journalist. 

Doing my work in a right away, no shortcut, would be a way I would serve Him and help people learn of His presence through my work. 

This quiet morning, I first want to thank Him for helping me focus on reading and appreciating Your words; and I pray that He will help me do journalism in honesty and firm professionalism; help me do journalism without expecting to get anything in return; help me do journalism with the sole goal — helping people get helpful information, information that brings a light into their lives; and help me do everything in a right, honest and humane way by Your definition. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 18, 2020

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Romans 8:31 — He is for Sean Na

Last night around 11 p.m. I took a night stroll, hoping to reset my tangled brain, to allow some fresh air to cleanse all the dusts clogging my creative faucet, and to talk to a person who’s graciously agreed to tolerate me whining to her for more than a decade now. 

That person is my American mother, whom I first met during my first year in the United States, 12 years ago. 

Every time I talk to her via Facebook audio call, toward the end of our talk she always says — “Sean, I have every faith in you that you will get it done.” 

The most positive and encouraging person I’ve met in life so far, she, every time I talk to her, also reminds me of a fundamental but very crucial message from Him to Sean Na — “God has a plan for you, Sean.” 

Six weeks have passed since my arrival to Seoul. I am not content of my so-far performance. Every morning (and sometimes afternoon, like today) I read His words to get myself ready on a start line to sprint through a day. Yes, sprint, not walk. I tend to rush things, as I feel as if I am constantly being chased. Maybe I am afraid of something undefined, invisible.

My American mom says He has a plan for me. the Bible has affirmed her statement countless times to Sean Na. But I am still wandering in the middle of wilderness. 

This morning I woke up around 6:30 a.m, and soon fell back to bed, not because I was tired but because I felt like a fish out of water. I stayed in bed until 11 a.m., then 1, and all the way to 3 p.m. 

I hate wasting times. I really do. But this morning up until mid afternoon, all I did was to sit on the bed, read some books, listen to a various array of podcasts (mostly related to social and world affairs, and U.S. politics), and garbage the rest of time. 

The Bible, through Romans 8:31, once again and as always, affirms that He’s always here for me, and has long prepared a plan for me to execute. 

Candidly speaking I’ve been making a conscious, not innate, effort to get myself busy since I landed in South Korea. At every conscious effort, however, I couldn’t get away from this doubt that — “Am I doing the right thing?” “Would this open up a bright future ?” 

Really, I am still tangled. At least right this moment I am writing to Him I feel calm and focused. In fact, I find writing devotion much more enjoyable and relaxed than writing stories. 

Father, this afternoon, I ain’t sure for what I need to pray in Your name. Should I again ask You a favor? Or should I simply thank You for everything You’ve done in my life? 

Father, today, I have one simple favor. Please help me come up with a better prayer to You when I revisit Your world tomorrow morning through the Scripture. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 17, 2020

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Philippians 2:11 — Confessing Jesus Christ is Lord

Almost every summer and winter vacation during middle school years I went to a mission camp. Every mission camp I went, for three to four days, I jumped off the hard, concrete floor with my arms stretched out pointing at Him countless times  to praise His name, sweated indefinitely regardless of outside temperature while worshipping Him, enjoyed getting all body muscles cramped while sitting in a same posture for hours while listening to a never-ending sermon, and proclaimed countless times, with my tongue, that Jesus is Lord. 

For a few days right after the end of each mission camp, I rarely doubted about His presence; I believed He’s real; I believed He’s cleansed all my sins, renewed Sean Na; and I believed He’ll take care of my everyday affair, even if I wouldn’t ask Him to do so through prayer. Then, after about a week, my level of faith in Him returned to the bottom of the totem pole; I stopped humming the gospels every morning while en route to school; and gradually a spiritual distance between I and He was enlarged, 

Thinking back, my relationship with Him has been like a cycle. My level of faith increased exponentially during and for a few days after a special, very inspiring worship service or camp. It returned to a normal, almost I-don’t-care-about-Him level of faith in a few weeks. Then the same-old days continued until another, inspiring, tear-loaded worship service came to me. 

My faith in early days was dependent on an event. I needed some outside influences to get my faith back to Him. Almost hardly did I take my personal time trying to get myself closer to Him, ever. 

That was how I dealt with my faith in Him until recently, until I (hopefully) developed this new habit of reading His words and reflecting on them every day. 

“And that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father,” Philippians 2:11 reads. 

During mission camps and worship services used to be the only times my tongue confessed outspokenly, alongside with many others confessing the same thing, that Jesus Christ is Lord. Outside those times I had been hesitant to confessing so. 

Hopefully I am not like that anymore. Hopefully having read and appreciated Your words for about four months every day helps me be more confident in proclaiming He’s real to those non-believers. And hopefully my level of faith does less waver in my everyday life. 

This morning I first want to thank Him for letting me write this while only thinking of You, Lord. Thank You for everything You’ve done and will have done in my life. And I pray that I will continue to read and speculate on Your words every day to embolden my faith in You, to not let my life fall into a worldly temptation, and to live each day of my life to serve You alone. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 16, 2020

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Proverbs 17:17 — Friendship

My new, still-in-process-of-being-used-to morning routine is borrowed from a strikingly diligent friend of mine — who about a month ago suggested me to start each day early, around 4:30ish a.m., and see how my daily life begins to gradually transform by doing so. 

Since then I’ve tried to establish this new routine. But too often times I did fall into an entice of wanting to resist the alarm clock, wanting to sleep more. Just like today, I was up at 4:06 a.m., according to my alarm; but my heavy head quickly repositioned back to the cushy pillow. 

I eventually was up around 5:30ish a.m., did a 5-minute morning meditation I recently began to try, and disabled the airplane mode of my phone so that I could access to the Bible app. Then, a message from that strikingly diligent friend popped up on my phone’s screen. It was sent at 4:33 a.m. This morning I didn’t make it to, but the friend did. 

Another motivation I’ve gotten for free.

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity,” Proverbs 17:17 reads. 

As soon as I was finished reading today’s verse around 5:45ish a.m. I immediately thought of the message I’d received an hour earlier;  the alarming call I received by surprise; and the thankful friendship I don’t deserve to enjoy having but have been enjoying, thanks to Him.

That message sent to me at 4:33 a.m. really did alarm me. In the past few weeks, my alarm was always set at between 4 to 4:30 a.m. And only (or probably less than) half of the nights did I wake up accordingly. 

Whenever I managed to be up on time and performed a sequence of morning routines I set for myself, (not sure how to describe here) I felt great, felt like I may have pleased Him better today than yesterday. But too often times, I volunteered to miss this great opportunity to please Him better through my daily life because of my laziness, and lack of determination.

As Proverbs 17:17 underscores the importance of having good friends around my life, I’ve felt like I need to dedicate today’s devotion to a healthy, blessed friendship I’ve been blessed to develop in recent months now. 

This morning I pray that I will be able to keep up with this good, really good friendship; and pray that I will continue to grow along with  my diligent friend and, of course, Him. 

Amen.

From Sean to Him

Oct. 15, 2020

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Matthew 6:7-8 — Real, genuine prayer to Him

“And when you are praying, do not use meaningless repetition as the Gentiles do, for they suppose that they will be heard for their many words. So do not be like them; for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him,” Matthew 6:7-8 reads.

This morning I barely slept. It’s still eight minutes before my iPhone starts to thunder. I am tired. But I am afraid if I go back to bed now, I may well be waste almost the entire morning. I can’t let it happen. 

“Do not use meaningless repetition” in prayer, He tells me through Matthew. 

He also tells me that I should pray not to get recognized by others nor to feel as if doing so would make me feel stood out; but I should pray to Him alone, the only audience to my prayer. 

I am asking myself — “Sean, why are you writing this devotion every morning? Is it for Him alone, or is it for you to tell your friends how sincere you are as Christian?” 

Since early July, every single day, I read a Bible verse and write about it, along with a short prayer at the end of each devotion. I have probably sent a written prayer to Him more than 100 times since July. And most written prayers address my wants and needs, repeatedly. 

However, I hadn’t had knelt down and prayed outspokenly to Him one single time since July. I just did before this written devotion. It was short. I didn’t say much. In fact, I wasn’t sure what to pray in outspoken words to Him. I can’t even recall the last time I prayed to Him with my mouth. It may date back to my college years, or even before then. 

Matthew 6:7-8 says He already knows what Sean Na needs, though I have never said it out loud to Him. He knows about my needs and wants. He knows, really knows. 

It’s quiet. A perfect time to pray to Him, again. This time hopefully with more words from my mouth; and hopefully with a more sincere mindset, and earnest manner; and hopefully longer than a few minutes. Just I and He. No one else. 

Before I do, I want to write Him a favor — “Father, please hear my prayer this morning; please watch me as I pray to You;  please help me pray solely to You alone; and please help me pray not for myself but for others whom I will need to serve through my work, and of course, for You alone. 

Amen.

Oct. 14, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Proverbs 27:5 — Befriending challengers in life

“Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed,” Proverbs 27:5 reads.

This verse immediately had me conjure up a sweaty moment, the moment I never had had before, with my former editor at Bloomberg, on a deadly humid summer day, in Arlington, Virginia, in 2016. 

Michael Trimarchi, whose famous phrase — “Keep your words rolling” — I’ve hearted for years, was the first person who went straight to pin point my weaknesses in journalism.

“Sean, your writing is terrible,” he said. 

“Sean, I don’t think you can stay in this industry if your writing doesn’t improve,” he said. 

“Sean, you fell short, didn’t meet our expectation to an intern,” he said. 

“Sean, once you fix your writing habits, given your innate approach to stories, you will be OK as writer. Keep your words flowing,” he said while handing me a compilation of short stories by Earnest Hemingway on my last day of internship at Bloomberg, on Aug. 12, 2016. 

Before then, as an author of one story whose number of readership reached more than 300,000 across the globe, which shed light on new eyes to look at reckoning racism in the United States, and which granted me a first-place investigative journalism award in midwest region, I thought I was an excellent writer, excelled at doing journalism. 

But on the day Trimarchi handed ma an A4 paper of 800-word story, filled with red marks, crossed lines, and comments, I felt ashamed, didn’t know how to react. 

That was the moment I realized a long road I needed to roll; the moment I’ve started to read any writing-related book available at bookstore; and the moment I’ve started to not feel hesitant asking my friends, acquaintances or whoever to read my stories, rip them off if needed, and criticize. 

Proverbs 27:5 tells me that I need friends who will challenge me, say words that would make me feel uncomfortable at the moment, point out flaws in me that I my self have denied admitting, and will not hesitate to confront me not to cause troubles but to help me grow a better person. 

I and Trimarchi have befriended each other since I left Bloomberg. We sometimes exchange emails, keeping each other posted of our whereabout. 

Right now, I am alone. Nobody is here to criticize my journalism work in Seoul. That oftentimes makes me restless, unsure whether this is enough or needs more sharpening. 

This afternoon, after having had a relay of calls, researches and readings, I pray He will help me keep motivated and give my best to every moment of me doing journalism; and pray that He will again help me feel not hesitant to asking my, even distant friends to address my flaws and thus help me grow. 

Amen.

Oct. 13, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Luke 11:13 — Gifts from Him

Last night, in Gwangju, about 30 minutes south of a place where my late grandmother took her last breath six years ago, I was invited to join a remembrance service of her with two of my blissful aunts and their delightful daughters (cousins to me). 

The serve was based on Psalms 90, the only chapter in the Book of Psalms written by Moses. Of 16 verses in the chapter 90, the verse 10 says — We live about 70 to 80 years, how will we choose to live our life, in God? Or in greeds? 

Each of us took a turn and shared how we would want to live our rest of lives. When my turn came, I mumbled a little but took a courage to share what-could-be too personal stories — from my early memories with journalism, to the car accident that flipped my life in New Mexico, and to year-long slump I’ve had since. 

“In the end, though I ain’t sure whether doing journalism is why He’s sent me here, I like to believe it is ‘the why,’ and what I choose to do is why He’s sent me here for.” 

Then, hearing my aunts and two of their daughters sharing theirs, I was consistently repeating the word “wow.” 

All of them, even my 12-year-old cousin, have a firm belief that He has a plan for them, that their lives are meant to be a service to Him, that their end goal is to serve not themselves but Him. 

Until last night, I was a bit pessimistic about having a family worship. There’s no valid reason. Maybe I felt uncomfortable opening up my self to the people I interact 24/7; or maybe I just didn’t want to spend another hour or two outside church worshiping Him. 

But yesterday’s worship has changed my old mindset. I realized the value of family worship, why it’s so vital to keep my faith firm, and how even my 12-year-old cousin has developed a level of faith in Him that I haven’t developed. 

He’s helped me wake up on time this morning, and helped me do my promise to Him first time in three days. Thank you, God. 

In this quiet morning, around 4:30 a.m., He’s given me the words from Luke 11:13. It reads: “If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?” 

The gift of His from the last night’s family service was immense (not in a pompous way, at all!. His gift comes unexpected, but comes in a right time. 

Due to His gift, I’ve been able to do what I do now, in full passion (I pray) and determination. Due to His gift, I can breathe, live and enjoy this moment of appreciating His words. 

Today I pray that He’ll continue to guide my life into a path He’s designed for; and be a good chaperone during my long journey en route to You. Thank You, always, Lord. 

Amen.

Oct. 12, 2020

From Sean to Him

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2 Corinthians 5:7 — Walk by faith

Yesterday and today I performed a son’s duty. I escorted my dad to Naju, about 200 miles southwest of Seoul, to greet our ancestors at their gravesite, and to exchange lots of old dialects with my old aunt’s trio, age 86, 77 and 71.

They threw lots of dialectical words in a perfect accent, intonation and rhythm. I tried to speak similar to their accent; but soon, they reprimanded me not to. To them, I sounded like a North Korean whenever I tried to sound like them. 

Anywho, I was busy making a visit to each of my aunt’s house plus picking up a bulk of red peppers yesterday’s afternoon and this morning. Nevertheless, I could’ve done my daily duty to Him this morning. I did wake up at 5:06 a.m.; but shortly I fell back to  bed, re-woke up well past 8 a.m., and missed an opportunity to do my duty as promised to Him.

It’s 5:08 p.m. I am sitting at a cafe in Gwangju bus terminal. My short break from journalism is now over. In a few hours I am scheduled to do a Zoom interview with a journalist from Jacksonville, Florida. Tomorrow I need to make a deal with several newspapers interested in picking up my first solutions story. Two days from now I will visit a police station for my next solutions story. And more journalism duties are in queue.

All the work I’ve done since September was possible thanks to His help. And the work I will need to get done all hopefully by late November will be done with Him. 

I believe, the very premise to earn His help is demonstrate my unwavering faith in Him to Him. This morning, my desire to sleep won over me. A thing like this shouldn’t happen.

“For we walk by faith, not by sight,” He tells me today through 2 Corinthians 5:7. 

I haven’t never seen Him nor did I ever hear His voice. As I’ve said million times before, I still struggle to give one hundred percent trust to Him. Even still, I like to believe He’s always been with me and will be before I ascend to heaven. 

Unwavering faith in Him will be a prerequisite for my successful completion of solutions reporting project. 

This afternoon, I want to ask Him to help me establish a firm faith in Him; and thank Him for being with me during this important time for my journalistic career. 

Amen.

Oct. 11, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Micah 6:8 — Walk humbly with Him

I felt relieved, much lighter, and thankful. 

Until last night I was bombarded with worries, sense of incompetence, and even some depression. It was because I couldn’t think of a way to write the first few paragraphs of the story that got to be done by Monday morning in U.S. time zone. 

I had all the outline ready. I had all the quotes ready, numbers ready and rich information ready. I just needed to start writing the story; but I, for almost the entire week, couldn’t start writing it. I thought it was because of this writer’s block that’d put myself into a swamp of agony. But, thinking back, I was obsessed with fancying up the story, making it like an award-winning quality, writing it as if it was written by a New York Times writer. 

But I was not a veteran writer, nor did I know how to bring compelling narratives and descriptions to a news article. I am just a naive writer. I did overestimate myself; and yes, I wasn’t humbled at all. 

I was still suffering unreasoned headache last night. I spent almost the entire day trying to write the first few paragraphs of the story; but none was written up. I was in despair. I felt like a loser. A terrible feel, really. 

Then, it was just this one moment — when I revisited my old notebook from college. The notebook had a list of tools of writing stories, which I consistently added whenever I learned something new from my fellow reporters, editors, friends, acquaintances or whoever I mingled with in America.

Of the many tools I added on the notebook, one stood out to me. Back in November 2015, I wrote: “Stories should let the readers experience, transport them, crossing boundaries of time, space and imagination. Stories let readers get immersed in the story.” 

Reading that was an AH-HA(!) moment. I almost shouted eureka while my parents were asleep. 

The last one hour before I went bed yesterday, I was relentless. During the previous six days I’d written almost none. Then in just one hour, I wrote more than 800 words, at ease.

This quiet morning, He’s reminded me of the vitality of being humble through Micah 6:8. It reads: “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” 

Through the verse, He requires me to walk humbly with Him. In the past week, I wasn’t humble. Rather, I was filled with proud ambition that wasn’t attainable nor practical. 

Really. I am relieved and thankful. I am thankful that He’s taught me a heartfelt lesson last night and this morning — be humble. Thank You, really, my Father. Really. Thank You. 

Amen.

Oct. 10, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Isaiah 26:4 — Trust in the Lord

He says through Isaiah 26:4 — “Trust in the Lord forever, for in God the Lord, we have an everlasting rock.”

It’s 4:15 p.m. I just came back, sat on my desk again, after a good amount of minutes of me trying to free up my brain through stroll. 

This morning I got up around 5ish a.m. In a quiet, pitch-dark setting, with a desk lamp only illuminating the dark room, I thought I was ready to read and reflect on His words. 

But the headache bothering me last night was still alive. I wanted to power through and write the reflection regardless. I did write a few words, then I stopped as I saw myself being distracted and not giving a complete focus on appreciating His words. 

I biked for about half an hour, did push-ups and sits-up, got my body drenched in sweat. After a shower, it was around 6:30ish a.m. I should’ve felt refreshed and ready to roll; but still the headache was still hanging. 

It was a writer’s block that I suffered this morning.

Right now, I am still not giving my complete focus on His words. This isn’t a good feel. I dislike it. 

Oh God, what to do. Really what to do. I may be trying to give myself a good, valid excuse for my inability to form fine words. 

Of dozens of books I’ve read, a fairly good portion of them were a writing book. On Writing by Stephen King, The Arts of Feature Writing by Wall Street Journal, Writing Tools by Poynter Institute, to name a few. This morning, instead of reading a fiction, I picked up the book Writing Tools and skimmed through 50 tools the book presents. By reminding myself of the tools I hoped I would overcome this lingering writer’s block.

Goodness. I am really not sure what’s gotten into me this week. Next Monday I am scheduled to visit a police officer for my next story. And next Wednesday I am scheduled to have a conference call with officials from the Korean Small Business Administration to discuss the administration’s initiative to help save small business owners amid the pandemic. After next week I will need to start writing again. It’s my job, a work I used to heart, and still do. “Trust in the Lord forever,” Isaiah 26:4 says. Trust in Him. Maybe I am trying to power through this slump on my own. Maybe I am not giving much trust to His power. 

Not sure, really. Ah, this isn’t a pleasant feel.

Regardless how I feel and how He views Sean Na today, I just want to pray that He’d work with me along the long path I will need to roll this month, next month and beyond. Father, I am powerless and incompetent without You; You are a sole power source that drives my life; without You, my life would be left purposeless. So I thank You for being with me, working with me, and empowering me in every segment of my life. If You will, I want to politely ask You to empower me to get through today, get this story trimmed well, get this grant proposal well written, get these next story pitches fine-tuned, and help me sleep calm tonight. 

Amen.

Oct. 9, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Isaiah 54:1 — Petty hardships

“’No weapon that is formed against you will prosper; and every tongue that accuses you in judgement you will condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their vindication is from me,’ declares the Lord.”

This is what Isaiah 54:17 tells me this afternoon. 

This early morning I was up until 4:30ish a.m., doing all sort of work, totally unorganized, messy, and lots of squeezes and poundings. Around 4 a.m. I was tired not from physical strains but from disappointment in myself. Yesterday morning I made a list of things I was determined to get them done before bed; and I only completed about one third of it. 

I wanted to resist my tiredness, but couldn’t. In my imaginary world I am capable of writing 1500-word story at ease; I am publishing a feel-good and helpful story every week; and I am making lots of people feel good about reading my stories. In the real world, I am struggling; a barricade of hardships seemingly blocks my path forward. 

I was passed out around 5 a.m. Even while I was being passed out, headaches were poking, thinking as if I was one of most struggling human beings on earth. 

That’s an overstatement, I agree. And that’s me whining like a kid, I admit. 

The backhands of Isaiah 54:17 is Paul the apostle, who was whipped five times beaten by rods 3 times, stoned, shipwrecked three times, bitten by a snake, adrift at sea for a day, often without food, arrested several times, and jailed in about six years during his youth. 

Despite of all these hardships, he didn’t complain. He rather regarded all these hanging hardships a motive, a stepping stone for him to serve the Lord. 

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places,” Paul wrote through Ephesians 6:12. 

My ongoing hardships aren’t comparable to what Paul went through. Paul stood firm, faced the hardships, and conquered them in the name of God. Paul believed in Him. Paul believed the Lord would eventually grant him a win against the hardships, if he kept a firm faith in Him and marching forward.

This afternoon, after a series of morning interviews, I am tired. My brain felt like it’s been deep-fried. But it’s only 12:42 p.m., and I have almost 10 hours to take a stride in my professional work.

I am not sure what my tomorrow’d be like, what the next week’d bring, and what the next year’d take me. Uncertainties, along with a seemingly trough of work to do, get me tired, sometimes restless. But compared to what Paul went through, this isn’t even a thing for a whine. 

God, today I pray that You will help me power through today, tomorrow and beyond; and pray that I will always look to You and seek You whenever I need a shelter to lean on and whenever I need a motive to get my soul fired up. Thanks You for everything You’ve done in my life. 

Amen.

Oct. 8, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Psalms 59:16 — His strength, lovingkindness

There’s a song, written in Korean and hasn’t yet been translated in English, that I recited at church a day before I flew back to the United States in January. 

The year 2020 was a year really important to Sean Na. It was the last year of my 20s (in Korean age). It was the final year of my graduate studies. And it was the last year before I’d jump back into the real world.  
I needed to bring lots of noticeable outcomes before the year 2020 would pass. And thus, a day before I flew back to the U.S., I needed to gain a sense of determination, a firm new year resolution to myself and God that would drive my life every day in 2020. 

The song I recited at church is called — “A song that saves lives.” 

Its repeated part of lyrics goes — “I pray that my songs will raise up those broken-hearted; that my songs will give them life again; and that when I see Him again, He will call me a good servant.” 

I wanted my life be a complete service to the people in need, and hopefully a complete service to Him, as well. I was reciting this song while praying that what I would do in 2020 would make Him happy and have Him entitle me a good servant of His. 

The year 2020 has been a series of anomalies, for me and probably lots of other people as well. I had plans that I would do one by one in 2020; and barely none of them had I achieved. On the flip sides, because of the coronavirus and uncertainties followed, I’ve had met a new goal, a goal that’s infused me a hope that I could still turn my very 2020 into a good service to Him.

This morning, He’s given me Psalms 59:16. It reads: “But as for me, I shall sing of Your strength; Yes, I shall joyfully sing of Your lovingkindness in the morning, For You have been my stronghold and a refuge in the day of my distress.” 

The last year of my 20s has had me undergo a seemingly never-ending sequence of distresses. But. He was still with me during my time of distress, and set me a new goal that He’s wanted me to achieve before 2020 passes.  

Because of the new goal I’ve been working to achieve every day since the day one of my arrival to Seoul in September, I can live each day with a firm motive.

As the verse says, really, if I am entitled to, I’d love to recite “You have been my stronghold and a refuge in the day of my distress” to Him, alone, this morning. 

Amen.

Oct. 7, 2020

From Sean to Him

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John 14:27 — His peace

A few days ago, I created a playlist comprised of 10 Christian songs I am most familiar with and do feel relaxed and focused whenever I listen to them. 

Of them, I’ve been repeatedly listening to “Amazing Grace My Chains Are Gone” by Chris Tomlin; “Prince of Heaven” by Hillsong United; and “Remembrance” by Hillsong Church. 

While listening to them over and over softened my anxiety and relaxed my soul. Not sure why. But, though I myself ain’t deserved to be called a good Christian, in the past few years, whenever I need to seek an inner peace, I almost aways choose to listen to a Christian song. 

Right now is 4:47 a.m. It’s dead quiet. I can even hear my dad snoring from two walls away. 

About a week ago, I made a weekly morning schedule that I felt determined to faithfully follow. From Monday to Friday, I would get up at 4:30 a.m.; read His words and reflect from 4:45 to 5:30 a.m.; take a morning workout and shower from 5:45 a.m. to 7 a.m.; read a non-journalistic book and meditate to free myself from journalism, from 7:15 to 9 a.m.; and then from 9:15 a.m. until I go to bed is the time dedicated for journalism.

As much lazy and ill-determined as I’ve been, this morning is the first time I got up on schedule; and so far, my Tuesday’s early morning is rolling as planned. 

And really, it’s been peaceful. Really quiet. 

Yesterday, I wrote a devotion around 7:30ish p.m., after having spent several hours of brain-squeezing to write finest sentences. At the time, I was stressed. My self wasn’t in peace. While reading His words, more than half of my soul was still thinking about the story I’d been writing for the previous few hours. I should’ve given my entire focus on reading His words; but yesterday, I couldn’t do it.

But this morning, I want to believe I am doing it.  

John 14:27 is the verse He’s given me today. It reads: “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.” 

To be honest, I am not 100 percent calm; nor am I completely focused on appreciating Your words. Even right now, as I am writing this sentence, things I will need to do this afternoon just pop up in my mind. 

He, through John 14:27, tells me He’s already left peace with me; and through the verse He orders me to find peace He’s left for me.

This quiet morning, I first want to thank Him for letting me start this morning early in peace; and also want to thank Him for helping me get better focused in reading and reflecting on His words. 

As always, thank You, Father, for everything You’ve done in my life. I won’t ask You a favor today, as I’ve done too many times in the past. You alone is a gift I don’t deserve to get. You alone is a motive that drives every day of my life. Thus, I thank You, thank You, and thank You. 

Amen.

Oct. 6, 2020

From Sean to Him

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1 Chronicles 16:11 — Seek His strength

To me, the most difficult part of writing a news article, especially a feature type, comes when I try to write a lede of the story.

Right now, I am stuck. I have gathered enough information, numbers and anecdotes. All is left is write a compelling story. And a compelling story always embraces a powerful lede. 

I’ve spent almost the entire day now, and haven’t yet come up with a powerful lede. I am stuck. I even feel incompetent. When I was in a newsroom, I had editors and fellow reporters who kindly infused me with thoughts and suggestions of writing ledes, editing wordy paragraphs and so many other journalistic helps.

But now, I got to do this all by myself. I’ve written about 1500 words so far; among the 1500 words, none of them read compelling. Especially the lede part, oh goodness, I am not at all confident about it. 

I didn’t read His words this morning, nor did I do it in the afternoon. My plan was to get the story done by today’s mid afternoon, send a complete version of story to two New York Times editors interested in my story, and then read His words and thank Him for helping me get the story done by the end of today. 

The story isn’t even halfway done. My thought process is clogged up. I feel like I ran out of fresh ways to write sentences. I need help. Really do. 

In a middle of constant brain squeezes, I decided to open up the Bible app, earlier than I planned, and read today’s words from Him, with a mere hope that He’d somehow help me write an OK lede. 

Tonight, at 7:31 p.m., He’s given me 1 Chronicles 16:11 — which reads: “Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually.”

The essence from the verse is seek Him and His wisdom whenever I need help. I can’t do what I hope to accomplish without His help. It’s always been that way. Without His support, I wouldn’t have not been able to be where I am now. 

Tonight, though I know I’ve asked Him a favor too many times, again, I want to ask Him to lend His wisdom to me; help me get this story written in a most succinct, but compelling way; and help me get through this jumble.

Amen.

Oct. 5, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Ephesians 6:12 — Spiritual warfare

Two days ago, I learned a Christian song named “Where the Spirit of the Lord is.” The song goes — “Do what only You can do …… Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there’s life. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there’s freedom.”

In the last two days, I’ve listened to this song over and over. I am listening to this now, as I am writing this reflection. 

The song, to me, seems to reassure me that His words is the ultimate blueprint of my life, in that every, even tiny bit segment of my life is done through His will. If there’s no spirit of the Lord that’s been presiding over my short, 28 year of life so far, I ain’t sure whether I’d have been able to find my passion, know how I should spend my life, discern what to do to make my life most serviceable to the people, and rested assured of a direction I am rolling toward. 

However, every day, though knowing how I should spend each day, I, one of most vulnerable men to everyday temptation, get easily tripped over.

Even today, I am writing this reflection, almost six hours after I sprang up from the bed, after having spent six hours taking care of my personals, and after just having realized I, again, broke my promise to Him that I would read His words the first thing in each every morning. 

The Book of Ephesians 6:12, words from Him for today, reads: “For our wrestling is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the world-rulers of this darkness, against the spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” 

Spiritual wrestling. Against not the surroundings, but myself. War of me battling to defeat my lazy self, vulnerable self, complacent self, and luring words by Satan. 

A day before I flew to South Korea, I consistently reminded myself that I needed to be really, hyper disciplined from the day one I’d land in Seoul to the end of December, if I want to get my master’s, earn an opportunity to expand my horizon, and do what I think is much needed journalism for the people. 

Today marks the end of fourth week since my arrival to Seoul. My past month performance was not what I expected of me to bring in. But the past is the past. There are still about two and a half months left. 

Every time I write a reflection, while I jot down my words about a Bible verse I feel rested, relaxed and focused. At every end of me writing reflection got me ready to jump in for another productive day. This. This short, unedited note is, I would like to believe, a powerful weapon for me to win everyday battle against Satan. 

Thank You for providing me Your helpful, comforting and empowering words every day. Thank You for letting me be empowered by Your words. Thank You a quadrillion times, and infinite more times, I thank You, Lord. 

Amen.

Oct. 4, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Proverbs 13:20 — Christian friendship

When I was in Sunday’s school, almost every month I was advised to read the Book of Proverbs. My Sunday’s school teacher reiterated that the Book of Proverbs provides life advice Christians must adapt in both spiritual and personal life. At the time, I just let the advice flow through my ear canals and didn’t retreat it.

Then this morning, I was introduced to one of most needed life advice, of which I’ve been forgetful, from the Book of Proverbs 13:20. 

He tells me through the verse — “He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm.” 

Friendship, I believe, is one of vital keys to develop a fulfilling life. 

Nine of 10 of my friends, mostly residing in the United States, are journalists. And most of them didn’t believe in Jesus, advocating that journalists shouldn’t hold a religious belief for it may affect our neutrality in reporting. 

And I’d been with them. I’d also thought I shouldn’t speak of my belief in public. I’d feared that me sharing my belief in public would make the people surrounding me view me as a skewed journalist, dogged in a biased perspective.

Then, it was this late June. I somehow downloaded this Bible app that’s been resting on my iPhone’s screen for almost four months now. The app provides a daily Bible verse for me to read and reflect on. 

‘I am a writer,’ I thought to myself. ‘I shouldn’t just read it and let it be done; I should write about it as well.’ 

That thought, I hoped, would get me a motive to keep up with my then weak spiritual life, and to develop a habit of writing every day. 

From late June to late July, I did my reflection intermittently. I was lazy, short of motivation; plus, having written stories for the people to read for several years, writing a (sort of) journal to myself didn’t come as appealing. 

Then it was late July when I met a friend with whom, for an unaccounted reason, I shared my personal devotion one day in July, then every day afterward.

Sharing a personal devotion with someone, I was little hesitant doing so at first. But then, I needed a motive to develop this, what I thought, very-much-needed habit to shorten the distance between myself and Him. 

Thanks to my good friend who’s been reading my ill devotion every day, I’ve been able to keep His words close to my life. Plus, since mid September, I’ve been posting my devotion on my personal journalism blog, to let the world know Sean Na, a journalist, is indeed a follower of Jesus. That proclamation, which I was very, very reluctant to make when surrounded by journalist friends who defied Him, was made possible thanks to my good friend. 

The courage I’ve developed as Christian this summer and early fall is in part because of Him helping me befriend a good friend.  

Thank You God for having me befriend a person who’s helped myself be drawn closer to You. I pray this developed habit of mine will never be on halt but continue forever and ever.

Amen. 

P.S. All my journalist friends are great friends of mine. This note may read as if they have taken a toll on my Christian life. That is absolutely not a case. All of my journalist friends have been a great motive for me, both professionally and personally.  

Oct. 3, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Psalms 16:11 — Pleasures in His right hand

I went to bed around 1:20ish a.m. today and woke up about two hours ago. In between those times, I think I woke up at least three times. Yes, I couldn’t fully rest myself while knowing a mountain of workloads needed to be done by several, sub-sequential deadlines. 

Ever since childhood I was often told that I tend to rush things, unnecessarily. Yes, I do get stressed when I don’t see my work making a progress as intended and when I see a final product doesn’t come out as intended. 

A plethora of foggy ‘things,” I feel like, is making a unending barricade across my brain. It’s been about two and a half hours since I sprang up from the bed. But I still feel lots of fogginess. 

By reading His words, maybe, would help.  

“You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever,” Psalms 16: 11 reads. 

One time, a good friend of mine told me that when I really love doing a “thing,” I shouldn’t get stressed about how much progress I make every day; nor should I worry about my talents at doing the “thing”; rather I should just be really happy at doing things, often get oblivious of time passing while doing the “thing.” 

About three years ago, I posted on Facebook that “I love journalism.” I still want to believe I do love journalism. But at the same time I can’t deny the fact that doing journalism every day also gets me stressed — primarily because I may have set a too high standard on myself, though my current talents can’t meet it. 

Psalms 16:11 tells me that I will be full of pleasure just by realizing His presence near me; just by knowing my life path He’s set long before; and just by knowing He’s my God. 

It’s my lifelong prayer to know and faithfully execute His plans on me. 

I believe there’s a reason He’s sent me to South Korea this fall 2020; and I believe there’s a reason He’s introduced journalism to me at age 11. 

This morning, before I get to start my work, I really want to pray He will free up my fogged brain, release any stress incurred by me being hard on myself, and still, help me come up with a finest piece of writing not for my own satisfaction but for Your glory and for the people who’d read the piece. 

My apologies, my Father, had my prayer this morning read a bit too personal and selfish to You. But I know and believe You know what I am asking for. I wish I were more elaborate at writing and talking to You, Lord. 

Amen.

Oct. 2, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Isaiah 25:1 — His plans for Sean Na

Last night, around midnight, I wanted to defy my tiredness; I thought I should’ve spent just a bit more time to get more work progressed. But I couldn’t resist my eyelids going down. I woke up around 6:45ish a.m., thanks to my dad calling out my name to get me help do dishes, fry fish, boil the potato soup, and other miscellaneous work — to serve our ancestors a finest, traditional breakfast for the Korean Thanksgiving Holiday. 

After having completed so-called son’s duty, I finally sat on my desk and started this work that’s kept me anxious last night, this early morning, now, and likely a few more days ahead. 

A few weeks ago, I made a promise to God that I’d always read and appreciate Your words before starting doing my work.

Not sure whether I’ve kept that promise faithfully, without any shame to God, in past days. But at least, today, I want to say I’ve done my promise to Him. 

The words He’s given me today come from Isaiah 25:1 — which reads: “Lord, You are my God; I will exalt You and praise Your name, for in perfect faithfulness You have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.” 

I have always reflected on a single verse; but this time, I feel like I need more Biblical references to complete my thought. 

Several other references include:

Jeremiah 1:5 — He tells me: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

Jeremiah 29:11 — He tells me: “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”

And, Matthew 16:26 — He tells me: “For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?” 

Right now I cannot cast away this prolonged anxiety. As every hour passes, I regret I should’ve spent the past hour in a more constructive, fruitful, and diligent manner. I am not sure whether this story I’ve been working on would get picked up by any professional newspaper. Everything surrounding me is filled with uncertainty; and my weak self doesn’t appreciate that. 

However, His words given to me this afternoon have congruently told me that even before I came out to the world, He prepared plans for me to execute; and even before I came out to the world, He knew a life I would live would be in accordance to His purpose. 

It’d be not easy to set aside every worry neighboring my soul and give every minute of focus on my work. But at least, I feel rested now. And at least, I feel assured that whatever outcome I’d bring out next week, next month, next year and beyond will be a part of His plans on me.

Today, I want to thank Him for providing comforts to my worried self; and want to thank Him for letting me do what I enjoy and feel passionate of doing. And I want to pray that He’d help me give my very best into writing this story, and help my story bring even a glimpse light to at least the some not finding any positivity in this seemingly grey period. 

Amen.

Oct. 1, 2020

From Sean to Him

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2 Peter 1:3 — Executing His plans

As soon as I got off the train and arrived home after a two-day field reporting, and after having learned and garnered lots of really, compelling anecdotes and helpful information for story, I felt an excitement and a roaring zeal. 

Then this morning, my alarm thundered at 7 a.m. My tiredness from yesterday hadn’t gone away yet. I thought about sleeping just a few hours more. But I had a job to do. I had to provide an appropriate return to farmers and governmental officials who’d spared their precious time and spoken of their personal stories to help my reporting endeavor. I ended up kicking myself off the bed around 7:30ish a.m., started to sort through field notes and audio interview. It was a heck amount of information I needed to sort through. It seemed a lot, daunting, and even too much. But I felt happy while doing it.

I am not even two third way down yet. But I will get it done, surely by this Friday. So the story can go online one point next week, hopefully through one of the three mainstream newspapers. 

I just read His words and am writing this note to Him during my evening break. 

This evening, He’s given me words from 2 Peter 1:3. It reads: “Seeing that His divine power hath granted unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him that called us by His own glory and virtue.”

2 Peter 1:3 tells me that I’ve been already equipped with all needed gears required for me to serve His purpose. Every equipment’s been already set up. All I need to do is to execute His plans. That’s all. 

Thinking back, during my short, five-year career as journalist, I’ve never had such cooperative sources to work with, for a common goal. Every farmer, activist and government official I mingled and befriended with was very excited for a story to come. All of them tried their best to give out the most helpful information for my story. In the past few days, I received more than a dozen call from government officials and received information that I hadn’t asked for. 

Really. It was a surreal experience. And again, it is really up to me now, sorting through information and producing a finest story off the sea of information. 

Just as what 2 Peter 1:3 says, He’s given me all needed information for me to do a job He wants me to do. I still have about five hours to work on this story. Let’s get this story done, get the helpful words flowing, so I can send lots of glories to His way. 

Thank You, God, for everything You’ve done in my life. Thank You. That’s all I think I can say at this moment. 

Amen.

Sept. 30, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Romans 10:9 — Declaring He is Lord

“If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved,” the Book of Romans 10:9 reads. 

Yesterday I felt a fire flaring in my heart, a feeling I haven’t felt for years, really. Yesterday I drove over 300 miles in total; visited five localities in Gyeongnam Province; befriended and heard compelling, personal stories of four organic farmers there; and tried cramming (to me) vast amount of helpful literal ingredients into my still, young brain. 

From late 2017 to just a week ago, I’d been struggling to regain the journalisms fire used to be vigorous and never-to-cease. Writing stories off random streets in Seoul, I thought, would help me regain the steam, but it didn’t. Taking reckless attempts to write stories in Beijing while holding a risk of being jailed, I hoped, would help me re-entitle myself a persistent journalist, but it didn’t. Then, going back to the Missouri School of Journalism to fill up the areas I lacked in reporting in 2019, I believed, would get the fire revitalized inside me, but again it did not. 

But yesterday, as I was interviewing famers, government officials and organic product activists, all in one day, as I was witnessing myself trying to come up with most efficient questions in a limited time to get the best answers out of my important sources, and as I was seeing myself trying to organize lots of reporting scribbles on my notepad whenever I had a few minutes to spare in between each interview, I did feel the flaring fire, and I indeed felt ecstatic. 

Right now I just boarded in an express train from Daejeon to my home. Right now I am very excited. I am excited to revisit hours long of audio interview file I will need to thoroughly listen to; I am excited to start brain-squeezing to come up with most clear sentences with no wasted words; I am excited to start writing down paragraph by paragraph; and I am excited to conduct accuracy check for every quote, cited information and paraphrased sentences to add the maximum credibility to the story. 

The words of His today tells me that if I believe in God and His only begotten Son Jesus to my deepest heart, I will be saved.

For several years, I’ve long wanted to get my journalism spirit regained. I’ve wanted to get my passion back. And I like to believe, or more likely I do believe He’s helped me do all things that I’ve wanted for so long. 

This afternoon, on my way back home, I want to give my utmost thanks to my lifelong Editor, Mentor, Counselor, and Father for literally every minute of thing He’s done in my life from the day one to now, and countless more days ahead. That’s all. Asking Him for more would be too selfish of me. Thanks God, really. 

Amen.

Sept. 29, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Psalms 85:2 — His forgiveness

The train finally departed. I am on my way to Changwon, about 180 miles from Seoul, to get the ground work rolling. 

About three years ago, about a month after I came back to South Korea after a short stint in Phoenix, Arizona, I had no plans in place for journalism in South Korea. I had to come back because of a could-be fatal car accident I had in New Mexico; even still, without any plan set up, then college educated Sean Na didn’t know what to do next. 

That was when my long slump began. I had no story ideas; no initiatives; no fire inside me; but some motivation that my journalism ought to continue in any way. 

At the time, I just threw myself onto the random streets in Seoul, grabbed whoever seemingly friendly enough on a street, and asked surprised passerby whether they had any story to share with me. 

Very reckless approach to do journalism. I know. But I somehow called it “streets journalism,” my self defined by a story originated from voices of ordinary people on the streets. 

And now, about three years after, I am in a similar situation, but this time with concrete ideas, initiatives, flaring fire, and soaring motivation. 

This morning I feel thankful. I feel grateful that I have several game plans, all of which are geared toward the united goal. All is left is to tackle and ace each goal, one by one. And to do so, the very prerequisite is to lend wisdom and guidance from His words. 

Today’s Bible verse that He’s given me comes from Psalms 85:2 — which reads: “You forgave the iniquity of Your people; You covered all their sin. Selah.” 

He’s forgiven all of my sins in the past and will forgive ever more sins I will have committed, though knowing it’s wrong to do, whether in consciousness or not.

Had He not freed up a countless number of sins I’ve done against Him, I would’ve been left restless, sluggish, and lackadaisical; and would’ve been still roaming in the middle of vast, directionless wilderness as I was three years ago. 

Thus I am grateful. I am thankful for virtually every minute of thing He’s done for me. 

I cannot promise I won’t commit any more sin before Him; but I want to at least assure Him that I will do my very best to live this day, tomorrow and beyond with one, specific goal — meet His expectations, achieve the goals on His behalf, and serve the people in needs. 

This morning, I want to first praise Him, second thank Him, and third ask Him that He will continue to be with me, throughout my journey. It may be too selfish of me asking Him another favor; but if I may, I politely want to ask Him to lend His wisdom to me as I get to do my journalism today, tomorrow and beyond. 

Amen.

Sept. 28, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Romans 6:23 — Free gift from Him

Last night, I wrote to Him a big favor. I asked Him to help me get recovered from mild, but annoying bodily aches before Monday morning. For almost every day, this past week my body was juicing sweats while I was in bed, soothing down the aches and lowering body temperature. 

Then, yesterday night, around 10:40ish p.m., I felt other symptoms that didn’t appear before. My throat started to hurt; dry coughs began; and the rear part of my head started to bang, bang and bang. 

I was worried. Really worried, for I only had one more day to get recovered before Monday morning — when I am scheduled to drive south to interview farmers and government officials for my first solutions story. 

I dug myself deep into the thickest blanket I could find, tried my best to generate the most heat from my mouth; and anxiously waited my body to get drenched in sweats. 

Past 2 a.m., I still felt sick. I still felt bang, bang. Really worried, I searched the difference between regular cold and COVID-19 on Safari, and evaluated my current symptoms. ‘This shouldn’t be COVID,’ I prayed. It was past 2:30 a.m., my body was dead tired; and I somehow fell back to sleep. 

It was 4 a.m., my whole body was indeed drenched in sweats. My poor bed was soaked. The blanket was wet. My hairs got shampooed. And I felt a lot, super duper, better. 

Wow. Really. Relieved. And. Thankful. Of course. To Him. 

He did, I like to believe, answer my prayer from the last night. 

Then this morning, He’s given me the Book of Romans 6:23 to read and be inspired. 

It reads: “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” 

Wages are things that I should deserve to get in return for my work, services; however, gift isn’t a thing I deserve. 

The verse then says to me that if I continue to commit sins, I would be waged to death. However, if I choose to reside in His embracement, just by residing in it will get me the free gift, eternal life. 

Every day, I’ve already been receiving His free gift, while being completely undeserved. Him answering my yesterday prayer was a free gift; Him helping me identify and schedule interviews with human sources next Monday and Tuesday was a free gift; Him helping me not get daunted by the volume of work I’m expected to do before December is a free gift; Him helping me not feel alone by connecting me with a great friend (like you) is a free gift; and Him helping me wake up this early morning and allow me to read His wholehearted words is the free gift. 

Today, I want to really and sincerely thank Him for what He’s done for me early this morning. And, if I may, though not deserved to do so, I want to pray that He will help me outperform when I go out to the field tomorrow; and help me get what I need from the farms, so that I can produce a story that reads important, heartfelt, and beneficial to the many. 

Amen.

Sept. 27, 2020

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Romans 3:23 — Sin against Him

Today’s Bible verse is Romans 3:23, which reads – “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

When reading this verse, I was simultaneously listening to Chris Tomlin’s version of Amazing Grace. Its repeated part goes as “My chains are gone, I’ve been set free, my God my savior has set me free.”

It’s a song I’ve listened to probably more than several thousands of times; and it’s the song I’ve recited several times at church both in Korea and the United States.

The length of my sinful chain’d be unmeasurable. But even that unmeasurable chain, He’s set me free from it. The amount of grace He’s bestowed upon me is like a flood.

Even now, when listening to this song while humming it, I do get emotional for unaccounted reasons.

In the past few days, I haven’t been feeling so well. A light fever, along with body-ache and sour throat, was bothering my work. I hope all these minor, unpleasant symptoms would go away by Sunday night, so that I can roll as professionally as possible next Monday thru Thursday.

This late evening, I really do want to ask Him to help me get recovered by tomorrow; while I do understand I shouldn’t be asking Him a personal favor; but this time only (or maybe a few times more in future), I really want to ask Him to help me get out of this cycle of bodily sluggishness. Next week is really an important week for me, God. Please help.

Amen.

Sept. 26, 2020

From Sean to Him

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2 Timothy 3:16-17 — Every word counts in Bible

This very early morning, around 2:20ish a.m., after a few hours of failed, painstaking efforts to sleep, I sprang myself up from the bed, went outside for few minutes to free up my stuffed soul, and read this Bible verse while strolling outside. 

It’s 2 Timothy 3:16-17. It reads: “All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.” 

Back in high school, I once had an assignment to read the entire New Testament. If I read the entire second half of the Bible and had my then American host parents to sign on a paper that authorized Sean Na did read the whole thing, I would get a few extra credits for the entire school semester. 

At the time, my entire focus was to get the parental signature. I wasn’t interested in reading the Bible. I did try to read the entire Book of Matthews, for my consciousness’ sake. But, I stopped after I passed about one third of the Book of Matthews. After that, I skipped pages really fast, pretended as if I read the entire New Testament, and got the signature I needed. 

Yes, at the time words from the Scripture read dead boring to me. I wanted to cherry pick a few of most inspiring, mind-soothing verses from the Bible and just read those verses. I wasn’t interested in learning about numerous episodes involved with Him and His disciples. 

And I think I still am. Every morning before checking out the Bible app, I somewhat hope a verse would talk about His affirmation, promise, care, generousness and many other feel-good messages.

Then 2 Timothy 3:16-17 tells me that every words from the Scripture is a golden apple; there’s no word be wasted from the Bible. 

This morning, I was able to confirm the date, location, and time for five important interviews for my first solutions story next Monday and Tuesday. And this afternoon, I will need to come up with an approach to tackle a story afterward. 

I did struggle to sleep this morning. Too many thoughts jolt my soul every day. Right now, at this moment of me writing words to Him, half of my brain is stuffed with thoughts on what to do for my next story. 

Every day, I try to put as much conscious efforts to only focus on this day, this hour, and this moment. Certainly, reading every word of His every day does help. And I am really thankful for that. 

This afternoon, I want to pray one thing — that I will continue to read and reflect on His words every day, no matter what, at least, until the end of the year 2020. 

Amen.

Sept. 25, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Luke 6:36 — His mercy

A few weeks ago, I admitted to count a total number of mistakes, crimes, and wrongdoings I’ve committed against Him would take forever. But every time I did make a mistake, He always and unconditionally forgave me. 

He is, without a doubt, the most merciful before anyone. 

Almost every time I wrote my lifelong prayer is to live by His will, execute His plans on me, please Him, and serve His purpose. Living a life like Him would require one prerequisite — adapt the unique personality of His. 

The words of His, I just read this evening, after hours of trying to juice all the sweat from my body, come from Luke 6:36. It reads: “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” 

Be merciful, just as my Father is.

Merciful is equivalent to the word compassionate. 

A few times I asked my merciful Father to help me be a more compassionate person, in order for me to do a better job as journalist, son, and friend. 

Also a few time I asked Him to help me be self-reflective and -corrective on my previous demeanors in which I made a hasty call to react to others’ opinions, acts, or even provokes. 

I still tend to make many hasty calls for my actions. Often times, I get oblivious of a need to be slow to be reactive to others. Too many holes are present on the surface of my personality. To fill each hole on my own would not be possible; but with Him, maybe I can. 

This evening, I first just want to thank Him. And I want to pray that He will help me get trained to have a personality nearly like His. If nearly isn’t possible, I pray He’d help me develop a personality that five percent of which is like His. 

Amen.

Sept. 24, 2020

From Sean to Him

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2 Timothy 2:15 — His words of truth

I don’t think it’s coincidental that there seems to be a cycle in messages I read from Him. 

Trust in His presence. Lean on Him whenever I get weary. Work with Him whenever I need a direction. And prioritize my life on serving His purpose. 

2 Timothy 2:15, the words of His I read this morning, sums up the cycle really well. It reads: “Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth.” 

He tells me to be diligent to get my everyday work approved by Him; He tells me whatever I do to serve His purpose I should do in full confidence and pride; and He tells what I do everyday should represent the word of truth. 

These days, I tend to get in bed around mid night. But I don’t usually fall into sleep until like 1 a.m. During that one hour between, a mix of random thoughts almost always keeps my brain cells from resting. 

The next day game plan. Setting a goal I should make by the end of the next day. Unwavering worry about my work. Imagining a situation in which I get my goals accomplished. Imagining a situation in which none of my stories gets published. Bluh. Bluh. Bluh. 

My Father tells me through 2 Timothy 2:15 that I need not to worry but keep the words flowing and rolling, as He will open the next door of future I will need to enter, the next door, and the next. 

Trust in Him. Work my best every day. And leave the rest to Him. I believe that’s what He’s telling me this morning. 

Father, I pray that I will spend the next 15 plus hours to serve You alone. That’s all, Father. Simple but very important. Please help me live today to Your will, and the next day, then the next — so that I can eventually develop a habit of living everyday according to Your will. 

Amen. 

Sept. 23, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Mark 11:24 — Prayer to Him

This evening I want to take a different gear.

So far, for 80 plus days I’ve been reading His words, and reflecting on them in a written form. Yes, I did write a short prayer to Him at the end of each note. But, had I rarely outspokenly prayed to Him.

Mark 11:24, the words He wants to remind me of , says — “Therefore I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you.”

I want to pray:

“Father, it will be never enough to thank You for what You’ve unconditionally done for Sean Na. Because of You, I was able to study in the United States, where I’ve found a lifetime passion; because of You, I was able to practice what I learned in a land featured by the freedom of press; because of You, my lifelong will has been able to stay intact; because of You, I’ve been able to interact and form friendships with lots of good people; and because of You, I am able to read, appreciate and be inspired by Your words, every day. 

Father, You protected me from contrasting the virus during the last fourteen days of quarantine. Thank You. Father, You, every day, reminded me of the vitality of reading Your words, and thus I’ve been able to keep this vital routine up until today. Thank You. Father, You consoled me through Your powerful words whenever I needed a shelter to lean on. Thank You. Father, Father, to enumerate a list of things to thank You would take forever. I just thank You, and will thank You at every minute of my life on earth. 

Father, I have a few favors to ask You today. I very much wish and pray my favors to You will be according to Your will. 

Father, I have five stories that I want to get published in English to help the people suffering amid the pandemic see some lights through a seemingly pitch-dark tunnel. The stories aren’t of any fanciness. They aren’t meant to turn out to be an award-winning quality. But, they are meant to help me serve Your purposes, Your expectations on me.

Father, next Monday I am driving south to meet several government officials and local farmers. Before my departure, I hope any of the three newspapers — The New York Times, The Washington Post, or The Wall Street Journal — would like my story pitch, accept it, and work with me. Since at age 16, I was determined to be a reporter writing stories in English, so that more people can read stories and be benefited from. 

Father, I humbly and politely want to ask You to help me come up with a compelling pitch, so this story will get published through a mainstream media, reach out to as many global readers as possible, and bring some lights into their lives. 

Father, as always, I want to ask You to help me live each day by not my will, but Your will. That’s the foremost favor I do ask from You. The rest, I will leave it up to You. 

Thank You for being always with me, Father. Thank You for allowing me to write to You. I hope my words this evening will read sincere to You.

In Your name I pray, Amen.”

Sept. 22, 2020

From Sean to Him

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1 John 4:18 — His love

Yesterday evening I and my mother were walking together to a fish restaurant. During the walk we were giggling at random, likely silly stories were almost always exchange whenever we talk to each other, either in person or over distance.

At the last five minutes before arriving at the restaurant, she said — “Son, I am not worried about your future. Your future will eventually be taken care of, as long as you keep on going with what you like to do and keep close faith in Him.”

I first started to laugh at her words, and she laughed back at me.

I didn’t react a word to her very thankful, but also quite pressing words. I was thankful for her trust in me; but at the same time I was pressed by my unforeseeable next week, month and year.

Thus I laughed, as genuinely as I could. The extended laughters got us to the restaurant without us realizing it; and so our “silly” conversation had to end without concluding remarks.

Fear. And. Worry. They are the two of most common words I’ve used countless times while striving to be genuine to Him and seeking His comforts through personal prayers.

Today marks the first week day of my challenging endeavor in South Korea. A long to-do list awaits me. Ranking the priorities for each to-do item would be brain squeezing. But executing each, one by one, I know, would be a real fulfilling feel.

Then this early morning, He gave me a comforting Bible verse that almost perfectly got my anxious soul comforted. It’s 1 John 4:18. It reads: “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear; because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.”

In His love should have no fear. Under His guidance shouldn’t be any doubt about my future whereabouts. And with His words should be full of confidence in what I will plan on doing today, tomorrow, and beyond.

This early Monday morning, I want to first and as always thank Him for fundamentally everything He’s done and will have done for me in life; and want to pray that He will continue to empower me, motivate me, and enlighten me with His wisdom as I keep on rolling in my exciting endeavor in this land.

Sept. 20, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Galatians 1:10 — Doing His favor

My 14-day quarantine will end in about an hour. The end of the quarantine means the real start of my reporting project.

In the last 14 days I’ve developed five, solutions-oriented story ideas. They include how thousands of farmers raising organic products have been saved from going bankruptcy through the government’s creative new program amid the pandemic; how public schools in the city of Daegu managed to overcome the first wave of the coronavirus outbreak and have become one of safest places for kids to hang out; how has a new online market platform developed by the Korean Small Business Administration helped hundreds of small retail store owners sustain their businesses since the pandemic; how has South Korea, one of most ethnically homogeneous countries in the world, trained its police forces to treat people of other cultures with respect and dignity in the country being diversified at a rapid pace; and how are working moms in Korea learning to treat their increased psychological stress since the pandemic via online knit communities.

A week before I flew to Korea, while taking a regular morning stroll, my good pair of AirPods was delivering a podcast about prospects of solutions journalism to my ears. While hearing recorded impacts of solutions journalism that I could possibly bring to my homeland, I felt a journalism fire burning bright inside me. That fire, I thought and really wished to be a call from Him

But at the same time, I drew a picture of my solutions stories getting recognized by big name papers, bringing me a job because of that, and unfolding a successful future in Korea.

I may have well been so pumped up while thinking of my work being recognized by the people, not Him.

Then this morning, I was given a Bible verse that pinched my heart, figuratively speaking.

It’s Galatians 1:10 — which reads: “For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond servant of Christ.”

I’ve said many times that my lifetime mission is to please Him through my stories; I’ve said numerous times journalists are meant to be an altruist, not a profit seeker.

This morning, I really want to pray that He’d help me set aside any personal greed and help me prioritize to meet His expectations on me. And I pray that stories I wish to get published starting in early October will help the people shape a better life; and pray that’s what He expects me to do for the rest of the year 2020.

Sept. 20, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Matthew 4:4 — Satisfaction

Ever since I’ve come back to Seoul, almost every morning, I woke up with a hanging image in my brain. Each image, though I can’t recollect it 100 percent, described Sean Na doing a sort of professional work, hopefully journalism. I believe a few mornings I was doing a big “thing.” Yes, in each dream, I may have tried to satisfy myself by doing and achieving a “thing” that I either have longed to do or plan on completing it in reality. 

Either way, every morning, I felt some emptiness. I wasn’t satisfied nor was I excited. Every memory from each dream really slipped away. I sometimes was even annoyed at not being able to recall the memories I thought I vividly had just an hour ago.

Even in the real world, at every story I’ve written so far, I wasn’t fully satisfied. I almost always thought — I could’ve added more details, spoken with this and that human source to make it a more compelling read, done a better job at describing each anecdote, and many other regrets — after stories were already online. 

It may be just my personal issue; but I am often referred as a hardest person on myself — that I rarely get settled with what I do. It’s true. Having studied and practiced writing things in a language I am not born with, I thought I got to be very strict to myself — so that I wouldn’t get settled but keep moving forward.

Having a personal satisfaction has always been someone else’s story, but never mine. 

Then, this morning, He’s given me Matthew 4:4 to read and reflect. It reads: “But He answered and said, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that proceeds out of the mount of God.’” 

Matthew 4:4 tells me that I can get an ultimate satisfaction only through the words of God. And only work guided by His words would bring me a satisfaction. 

For almost 70 plus days so far I have been asking Him to help me live each day according to His will. Had I faithfully spent the past 70 plus days strictly according to His will, I may have been satisfied with myself at every end of previous days. But I am not sure when did I ever go to sleep with a full satisfaction for my daily accomplishment this summer. 

And right now, I am little baffled. I am unsure how to even make my Saturday the 19th satisfactory. Maybe, He has an answer for me. If I continue to read, appreciate and speculate on His words, maybe He’d put some LED lights into a dark tunnel ahead of me.

Father, this morning, I want to politely and humbly ask you to help me Sean to live each day to fulfill not my will but Your will; and pray that I would soon develop a habit of thanking You for what You’ll have helped me accomplish at every end of my future days.

Sept. 19, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Romans 12:21 — Overcoming evil with Him

Again, my iPhone started to thunder at 4:30 a.m. I shut it off, once thought about kicking off the blanket, and started this Friday early.

But my weak-minded soul won over my will, again, ending up having me to sleep for another two hours.

It may be because there’s nobody supervising me but myself; it may be because I am the one planning each day, no one else; it may be I can choose when to start a day for I have no obligation to any organization; or it may be just me being a lazy house turtle.

Thinking back, the most annoying enemy my lazy self has tried to fight it off has always been my chronic laziness, in other words — lack of determination, self discipline, and motivation.

I’ve said journalism is my lifelong passion. I’ve said my everyday goal is to write stories that bring lights to others. And I’ve said my all-time prayer is serve Him and lift Him up through my work.

But I’m unsure have I ever been really. really so absorbed in what I’ve said repetitively of my passion.

I want to be a little hard on myself this morning, because I am not satisfied with what I’ve got this week. I could’ve sure done a lot more, but I didn’t do. And yes, it may be fair to say I didn’t win another game against my lifelong evil — laziness.

The Book of Romans 12:21 discusses of His way to overcome evil. It reads: “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

By context, the verse says to overcome evil, I need to do good through compassion, love, respect, and humility. But I like to believe He’s given me this verse this morning in that He wants me to consistently think of the “goodness” I could bring once stories I’ve planned and been working on get published to the world.

It’s been a lone work. A seemingly lone fight. I wasn’t sure how to win over this lone fight. But I wish now I know how to combat it.

This morning, I first want to thank Him for allowing me to read. appreciate, and learn from His words; and want to pray that He will empower me, motivate me, and strengthen me to spend this Friday as much fruitfully as possible.

Sept. 18, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Psalms 51:1-2 — His lovingkindness at no charge

To count every mistake I’ve committed against Him would take forever. To count every good deed I’ve done for Him, however, would probably take a day to do so.

I may be exacerbating it here; but genuinely speaking. I can instantly make a long list of sins I’ve done against Him. To say it out loud would be too shameful; so I would keep it to myself.

I am not trying to press down on myself; nor am I trying to entitle myself a lifelong sinner against Him.

But after I read a Bible verse that underscores His heartfelt compassion and lovingkindness on me the lifelong sinner, I felt guilty, sorry, but also thankful for His unconditional graciousness granted to me at no charge.

The verse is Psalms 51:1-2. It reads: “Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness; According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.”

Just last week, I made a pact with Him that I would spend each hour of my quarantine to get myself best prepared for a field reporting starting next Monday.

I once tried to wake up at 4:30 a.m. to start a day early to buy more times for preparation (thanks to my good friend who suggested me to do so). But laziness engulfed my will, and I’ve only done it twice since last week. Plus, every previous day of the quarantine, I saw myself feeling restless or maybe lazy at doing what I ought to do. That may be due to the lack of motivation; or due to the lack of confidence in what I think I am passionate of.

That’s not to say I didn’t do anything so far. I’ve done things. But I could’ve done a lot more and better in a far more constructive fashion.

As Psalms 51:1-2 says He will blot out all of my transgressions and cleanse all my sins, I pray that He will forgive all the mistakes I’ve committed this week, last week, and all those previous days; and help me keep rolling, rolling, and rolling toward the goal He and I have set together.

Sept. 17, 2020

From Sean to Him

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1 Corinthians 13:1 — Love as priority

Being empathetic. Putting myself into someone else’s shoes. Listen before talk. Understand before argue.

Being able to listen well is a critical value that I, as aspiring journalist, must be expert at. Listening, however, doesn’t just mean listening. It encompasses understanding, compassion, and most vitally, love.

I’ve spoken with people of numerous types of personalities. There have been people who just never listened to my question and spat out some none senses in their favor; and there have been people who reacted violently when asked of my question and almost smashed my face.

At every occasion like that, I consciously reminded myself of the four phrases I wrote above and tried my best to treat people I was interviewing with respect and love.

Then, in retrospect of my previous (or maybe even current) behaviors to my families and close friends, I am unsure of whether I’ve been treating people very important to me with respect and love.

When looking back on my past behaviors as journalist, I was 100 percent certain I did treat every one with love and respect; but to families and friends, I wasn’t 100 percent positive.

1 Corinthians 13:1, the verse I just read, discusses of prioritizing on loving others.

I reads: “If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.”

Whenever I’m about to interview someone for story, likely I start with saying — “I am here to hear your stories, because your stories should matter.” However, I sometimes (maybe often) see myself not being willing to hear stories of my mother, father, sister or close friends.

That’s myself being a hypocrite, and I should fix it.

Had I not been able to love people close to my life, how could I treat others with love and respect? Just like what 1 Corinthians 13:1 reprimands me this morning, to be a more compassionate, loving and understanding Sean Na as son, friend and journalist, I ought to first start practicing loving people near me.

The word practice sounds odd to me; as it shouldn’t be me practicing; it should’ve been rather one of easiest things to do — love my families and friends.

This morning, I first want to thank Him for allowing me to read and reflect on 1 Corinthians 13:1; and pray that You will continuously train me to become more loving, respectful and compassionate Sean Na to first families, and friends, then even total strangers.

Sept. 16, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Philippians 2:13 — His surprise

Last night my mom kindly brought me a box of port cutlets, or tonkatsu, for dinner. As soon as I opened up the box, I almost yelled instantly. It wasn’t because of a mountain of cutlets ready to appease my tongue; but because of a type of Korean bread that I’d been longing, so longing to have even one bite of it for almost nine months.

A beautiful looking, glossy piece of twisted Korean doughnuts, or Kkwabaegi in Korean, was sitting atop the cutlet mountain.

Amen! That was my immediate reaction. Last night I really liked to believe He answered to my (super petty) prayer.

Yes, the last night episode isn’t anything serious. But that long-waited moment of me having a bite of the Kkwabaegi conjured up to me when I was reading today’s Bible verse.

It’s Philippians 2:13 — which reads: “For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him.”

One of core messages from the verse is He is at work for every part of my life; and He is waiting for a moment in which my life gets transformed into a degree that meets His expectation. The wait may be hard to withstand. There may be a series of challenges in line to test my resilience and faith in Him.

Tough this is not-at-all the valid analogy, just like He brought me the Kkawbaegi last night by surprise, I like to believe He is preparing for a moment in which He will transform Sean Na into a person capable of serving His purpose through this challenging time.

This afternoon, I first want to thank Him for always walking with me wherever I am heading to; and want to pray that He’d help me be firm in faith, be resilient against seemingly daunting challenges, and be always thankful for what I have, do, and will experience.

Sept. 15, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Proverbs 3:5-6 — Leaning on Him

For the past two weeks I tried to develop concrete storyboards for my solutions journalism project in South Korea. I researched, made numerous calls, and read numerous stories, while trying squeezing in every one of my brain cells.

I did come up with four ideas; and none of which I was satisfied with what I came up with. I was certain there got to be a better way to construct each storyboard; but I couldn’t find a better way on my own. I needed help. I needed to seek advice from someone more professional and experienced than I am.

Last night and this morning, I spoke with two of my colleagues from the Arizona Republic. I asked them to listen to my story pitches and help me build a more constructive storyboard for each.

My two colleagues have been a reporter and editor for at least 20 plus years; they are far more professional and experienced than I am. And as well expected, they helped me a ton as far as brainstorming some new angles for each story; identifying potential human sources to reach out; and fundamentally re-structuring a far concrete storyboard.

Before I spoke with them I felt puzzled; and after I spoke with them I felt hopeful.

A need not to be too confident of my own knowledge but to be reliant on someone more experienced and wise was what I learned this morning from my colleagues and what I was again reminded of from the today’s Bible verse.

It’s Proverbs 3:5-6 — which reads: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straights.”

My thankful colleagues helped straighten up my storyboards; and He, my lifetime mentor, has been straightening up my paths since the day one of me learning about His presence.

This morning, I pray He will help me continue to make conscious efforts, every day, to read His words, seek His advice, and find comforts in His residence; plus, I pray, as always, that how I’ll spend this day, tomorrow and beyond will be according to not my, but His will.

Sept. 14, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Psalms 23:6 — His presence

Very likely the first act I’d do as soon as I wake up every morning is to check my iPhone for “something,” never planned nor has any specific goal. That something could be check emails, scroll through yesterday’s news headlines, watch a short YouTube video meant to take care of someone’s garbage time, and many other purposeless acts.

I woke up about an hour ago. I of course touched my iPhone first to shut its thundering alarm off; and second to play with it, just like what I’d done in countless previous mornings.

For an unaccounted reason, I went straight to the Bible app. And the verse He’s given me this Sunday morning was really, really what I needed, really needed.

Today’s verse was Psalms 23:6 — which reads: “Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

Just yesterday I wrote I wish He could directly tell me what He wants me to do and how I can serve His purpose. Having studied and practiced journalism for almost 10 years now, I’ve developed a habit of only trusting things if I get to observe them with my naked eyes. It’s been a constant inner struggle of believing in His presence, no matter what.

Then this verse came — which narrates of David thanking and praising Him for being with him, no matter what, however difficult moments he’s been going through. The verse was accounted after David’d lost his three kids; but he was still thanking Him for being with him. And still, he had a firm belief in His living presence.

David, I believe, had a valid excuse not to trust Him; nevertheless he did trust and even thank Him for letting him dwell in His presence, after having lost three kids.

Right now is a very trying time for me. Right now is when I got to be very disciplined. Right now is when I got to be an expert at planning and living each day more than strategically. And right now, I believe, is when I need His wisdom and guidance the most.

Thus, right now, I believe, is more than the perfect time to courteously invite Him to dwell in my life.

Today, I first want to thank Him for having me read and appreciate Your words before doing anything this morning; and pray that, though I still can’t cast out 100 percent of my doubts over His presence, I get to consciously remind myself of His presence and consistently ask Him for His wisdom through personal prayer as many times as needed per day.

Sept. 13, 2020

From Sean to Him

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1 Corinthians 10:31 — His purpose

This is approximately the third month I’ve been reading His words and reflecting on them. I probably have written about 80ish reflections so far. At the end of almost every reflection I’ve done, I write a short prayer to Him. And almost every time, though in different wordings, I ask Him to help me live each day not by my will, but His will. 

Then, 1 Corinthians 10:31 came at me this early afternoon. It reads: “Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” 

Really, my goodness. The exact verse that corresponds to my everyday prayer. 

I was 11 years old when I first learned about the word “journalism” (of course, in Korean). I was 16 when I moved to the United States, feeling determined of learning and practicing better journalism in a country featured by the word “freedom.” I was 19 when my very first article written in English was published under my name through a college newspaper. I was 26 when I had a serious doubt about future prospects of me doing journalism.

And at 28 I like to believe I no longer have that doubt; I like to believe doing helpful journalism is what He wants me to do; I like to believe He wants me to do solutions journalism in my home country where hardly any solutions-oriented reporting’s been done; and I like to believe what I will do today, tomorrow and beyond is what He wants me to do. 

My mom once told me that if I am really sincere and thirst for Him, I could actually hear His voice. I’ve never heard Him, yet; and not sure whether I would ever hear His voice and ask Him to tell me, directly, what He wants me to do on earth. 

This afternoon, I, again and as usual, pray that what I am most passionate of doing is what He wants me to invest my life into; and pray that, as 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, my everyday life gets spent to serve His purpose, please Him, and glorify Him. 

Sept. 12, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Psalms 147:3 — The Healer

A diligent friend of mine suggested me to wake up at 4:30 a.m., and spend the first few hours of a day doing what I want to do; and see how it feels. 

It feels good so far, really good. Thanks to my friend. 

It’s 5:03 a.m. It’s dead silent. The only sound I am hearing is a repetitive, but very rhythmic music from a large family of cicadas outside the balcony. 

A night before I flew back to my home country, I made a pact with Him that I would read and reflect on Your words first thing each morning. I’ve, of course, broken numerous pacts with Him in the past; but I am trying to make this pact with Him as much prolonged as possible, hopefully forever. 

So first thing — His words. 

The words for today come from Psalms 147:3 — which reads “He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds.” 

He heals any wound, however small or large, of me if I ask Him. It’d be the wisest if I don’t hold on to my wounds but open them up to Him and let Him fix, for me. 

The word brokenhearted’s really hanging in my mind this morning. I don’t think my heart’s too broken that He’d be the only healer for it. I don’t think I have suffered any serious psychological would that put me into.a complete despair in my short 28 years of life. 

Maybe I am being a coward here. Maybe I know I have wounds in me but don’t want to admit I do. Maybe I am not yet strong enough to share them with Him. 

In past years, envy over my friends and colleagues doing great journalism, uncertainty of my journalism career, unaccounted worry over my future, lack of firm confidence in my capabilities of doing “things,” and many other unreasoned worries may have hurt me, wounded me, and prevented me from spending each day in a way He wants me to, one hundred percent. 

Yesterday, I went through a series of phone calls with various Korean government agencies, an elementary school teacher, a church leader, and working moms, trying to do as much pre-reporting as possible before I get set free to go out and do reporting outside after quarantine. 

Yesterday were some progress made. And I pray this early morning that I will get to spend the next 16 plus hours to do what He wants and expects me to do, with a total focus on my work, without any worry about anything — so I can thank Him for helping me make another successful day (to His eyes) before I go to bed tonight. 

Sept. 11, 2020

From Sean to Him

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Proverbs 9:10 — His wisdom

Today’s Bible verse is Proverbs 9:10 — which reads: “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.”

Seeking His help. Seeking His guidance. Asking Him to help me follow His path. Help me serve His purpose. 

They are all written in different wordings but all speak for the same, vital message — get my life soaked, permeated with His wisdom. 

Every day is a series of decision makings. I have to choose what to eat three times a day; I have to choose which exercise to do to rouse my sleepy self each morning; I have to choose which one to do first among seemingly millions of tasks on queue; and I have to choose how far I want to go with this and that task at each end of the day.

In a macro level, at every big decision I made in life, absorbing His wisdom’s been vital to come up with a finer decision. In the past 12 years, though I haven’t been as close to Him and lived by His words 100 as much as I should’ve, He’s helped me make one of finest decisions to help my life move forward in His direction. 

He’s led me come to the United States at age 16 and helped me find my lifelong passion, journalism; He’s led me experience numerous cultures so I can be a more (but certainly not enough, yet) understanding, empathetic and humane man to others; He’s helped me stick with my passion despite a number of psychological difficulties in life; and most importantly, He is helping me read His words this morning and reflect on them. 

Another day of quarantine, and another day to spend this day to the degree that pleases Him.

Thanks God for lending me Your wisdom. Thank You for being with me at every moment of my life.

Sept. 10, 2020

From Sean to Him